From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: George Bush "It's no exageration that the undecideds could go one way or another." -George Bush From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: The wisdom of Vice President Dan Quayle: "Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things." "One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'." "It isn't pollution that is harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water." "I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy--but that could change." "We are going to have the best-educated American people in the world." [Speaking at a black college and trying to come up with A Mind Is A Terrible Thing to Waste]: "It's a terrible thing to lose one's mind." From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: One liners What's a blonde in a Volkswagen? Farfromthinkin. What has four legs and an arm? A VERY HAPPY pit-bull. What's 8 miles long and has an IQ of 40? The St. Patrick's Day parade. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Steroids From DAVE BARRY Ask yourself this question: Are you a guy of the male gender? If so, I advise you to report to prison immediately, because you are violating a federal law. I base this statement on a letter I got from alert reader Richard Watkins, M.D., who sent me a shocking medical document concerning the federal Anabolic Steroids Control Act. Steroids, as you know, are substances that some guys put in their bodies in an effort to develop bulging, rippling, sharply defined muscles like the ones Michael Keaton wore in ``Batman.'' This is foolish, because women are not attracted to rippling, sharply defined muscles. Women prefer a type of male physique that is known, in body-building circles, as: ``the newspaper columnist. '' This is a softer, more-rounded, aerodynamic shape, similar to the one used in the popular Ford Taurus station wagon. This physique has inspired a whole line of mature-guy casual pants, which go by the name ``Dockers'' because it was not considered a shrewd marketing move to come right out and call them ``Pants For The Bigger-Butted Man.'' But back to steroids: They have bad side effects, although it took medical researchers many years to discover this. They'd get a bunch of steroid users together and say, ``OK, anybody having bad side effects, raise your hand!'' The steroid users would strain and grunt like water buffaloes in labor, but due to their extreme muscularity they couldn't raise their hands above their waists. Many of them must press elevator buttons with their foreheads. The result was that medical researchers had no idea what kinds of problems steroids were causing until one day when they happened to ask for oral responses. Then they discovered the awful truth: Steroids can cause men to develop THICK AUSTRIAN ACCENTS. This is what happened to Arnold Schwarzenegger, who was actually born and raised in Topeka, Kan., and spoke like a regular American until he used steroids to build his body up to the point where he was legally classified by the U.S. Census Bureau as ``construction equipment.'' Today of course Arnold is a steroid-free person with a successful career as a versatile film actor who has played a variety of roles, ranging from a large man with a thick Austrian accent who throws bad guys off apartment roofs, to a large man with a thick Austrian accent who throws bad guys off HOTEL roofs. He's also an active Republican and was recently appointed chairman of the President's Council on Physical Fitness in a moving Rose Garden ceremony that culminated in Arnold throwing Sen. Edward Kennedy off the White House roof. So anyway, the government is cracking down on steroids. I thought this was a fine idea until I got Dr. Watkins' letter, which is written on a hospital physical-examination form, in the section headed ``Chief Complaint and Present Illness.'' ``Here I am,'' Dr. Watkins writes, ``sitting around in my doctor suit waiting for an emergency to happen, and suddenly I get a memo: ON FEB. 27, 1991, TESTOSTERONE WAS DECLARED A CONTROLLED SUBSTANCE, LIKE HEROIN. '' My immediate reaction was to think that Dr. Watkins had been wearing his stethoscope way too tight. But it turns out he's telling the absolute truth. With his letter, he enclosed a document from the Group Health Cooperative of Puget Sound, listing various types of anabolic steroids now controlled by the federal government, and TESTOSTERONE is on the list. I swear I am not making this up. This is a big problem, because MANY guys, including several known Supreme Court members, are walking around with testosterone in their, um, possession. They can't help it. As Dr. Watkins put it, in medical terminology, testosterone is ``a substance exuded by your you-know organs, hereinafter your Ralphs.'' In small quantities, testosterone produces only mild side effects, such as the inability to stop pressing the channel-changing button on the TV remote control. But at higher levels, testosterone causes destructive male behavior, the two most terrible kinds being: 1. War. 2. Do-it-yourself projects. It's a well-known fact that a male with even a moderate testosterone level would rather drill a hole in his hand (which he probably will) than admit, especially to his spouse, that he cannot do something himself. Put an ordinary male on the Space Shuttle, and within minutes he'll be telling his spouse that by God he'll repair the retro thruster modules, because if you call in NASA they'll just charge you an arm and a leg. I personally have destroyed numerous perfectly good rooms by undertaking frenzied testosterone-induced efforts to fix them up despite the fact that I have the manual dexterity of an oyster. Hundreds of years from now, archaeologists will look at my home-improvement projects and say, ``This civilization was apparently wiped out by a terrible natural disaster involving spackle.'' So we see that the criminalization of testosterone is a good thing. I'm not sure how the authorities will enforce this law, but I imagine they'll start by arresting those with obviously excessive testosterone levels, such as Warren Beatty, the National Hockey League, Bluto and Phyllis Schlafly. Eventually all of us guys will be arrested and placed in a rehabilitation program (motto: ``Just Say No To Ralph'') and they won't let us out until we pass a strict test wherein we have to hold a TV remote control in our hands and watch one show for THREE CONSECUTIVE MINUTES. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: English Food "Speaking of food, English cuisine has received a lot of unfair criticism over the years, but the truth is that it can be a very pleasant surprise to the connoisseur of severely overcooked livestock organs served in lukewarm puddles of congealed grease. England manufactures most of the world's airline food, as well as all the food you ever ate in your junior-high-school cafeteria. Some traditional English dishes are Toad in the Hole, Bubble and Squeak, Cock-a-Leekie Soup, Spotted Dick, Bug-in-a-Bucket, Willie One-Polyp, Tonsil-and- Toast, Whack-a-Doodle Johnson, and Fester Pudding." From Dave Barry's The Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need. I recommend this the next time you're crossing an ocean. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Rental Cars "[T]here's a lot of debate on this subject---about what kind of car handles best. Some say a front-engined car; some say a rear-engined car. I say a *rented* car. Nothing handles better than a rented car. You can go faster, turn corners sharper, and put the transmission into reverse while going forward at a higher rate of speed in a rented car than in any other kind." ---P. J. O'Rourke, Republican Party Reptile, Atlantic Monthly Press, 1987. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: CHECKING ON OUR FRIENDLY NEIGHBORS TO THE NORTH -- by Dave Barry [01/10/93] It's time for Those Amazing Canadians, the popular feature wherein we examine the activities of our friendly neighbors to the North and secretly wonder if they are mixing their prescription medications again. As you may recall, when last we checked in on the Canadians, some of them were in a court of law in Ottawa, trying to induce a python to crawl into a toilet. At the time we thought this was unusual, but we now realize that luring snakes into commodes during judicial proceedings is fairly NORMAL, by Canadian standards. We base this statement on several news items we received from alert reader Marylu Walters, who lives in Alberta, which is one of Canada's provinces (the other one is ``Bernice''). These news items, from The Edmonton Journal, concern the small Alberta town of Glendon, where there is a local food item called the ``pyrogy,'' which is a kind of dumpling that can be stuffed with various foods such as cheese or sauerkraut. Pyrogys are very popular in Glendon, a fact that gave the mayor, Johnnie Doonanco, an idea. See if you can guess what his idea was. (Pause while you think up a pyrogy-related idea.) OK. Did you guess that Mr. Doonanco wanted to market an electric pyrogy-maker? Or hold a pageant to crown the Pyrogy Queen? WRONG. That kind of limited thinking shows why you're stuck with whatever dead-end hairball job you have, while Johnnie Doonanco is mayor of Glendon. His idea was -- we are not making this up -- to build THE WORLD'S LARGEST FIBERGLASS PYROGY. And he did it, too, by raising 62,000 Canadian dollars via private donations and a grant from the province government, which knows a shrewd investment opportunity when it sees one. According to the Journal, the giant pyrogy is ``almost nine metres high'' and ``weighs roughly 2,700 kilograms.'' Converting these figures from the Metric System to the Normal Human System ... let's see, move the decimal over and divide by the cosine ... we see that this is a large pyrogy. There's a color photograph of it in The Journal: It looks sort of like a mammoth white leech, except that the designers put it on the tines of a huge upthrust steel fork, so that onlookers would realize that it is in fact a tasty food item. The purpose of the pyrogy, of course, is to attract tourists. ``Hey, Marge!'' potential tourists as far away as Mobile, Ala., are probably remarking at this very moment. ``There's a giant fiberglass dumpling up in rural Canada! Pack your suitcase!'' Such is the power of this type of attraction. And that explains another Journal news item that Marylu Walters sent us. This one concerns the small Canadian town of Andrew, which recently, with the help of a provincial tourism grant, installed -- get ready -- the world's largest fiberglass duck. The Journal says it has a wingspan of 7.2 meters and weighs ``one tonne,'' which is how you spell ``one ton'' in metric. The story quotes town manager Albert Holubowich as saying that the residents chose the duck as their symbol because Andrew is near a duck sanctuary. ``It was either the duck or a chicken,'' he says, ``but a chicken has no connection or bearing to the village.'' We certainly agree with that. A giant chicken would be ridiculous. But what we're concerned about is this: Suppose some tourists happen to find themselves exactly halfway between Andrew and Glendon. One side of them would be attracted by the giant duck, and the other side would be attracted by the giant pyrogy, and they could literally explode right there on the spot, causing severe damage to the wheat crop. We hate to bring this up, but if we didn't, we'd have to get a real job. And there's another recent Canadian development we feel you should know about. Many alert readers have sent us an Associated Press report that begins as follows (we are still not making this up): ``VANCOUVER, British Columbia -- Female snails in certain polluted coastal harbors have been turning into males and growing penises, a researcher says. Snails undergoing the change, which some scientists think is caused by tin-based contaminants in the water, have been found almost everywhere University of Victoria biologist Derek Ellis and his colleagues looked for them.'' We're sure this alarming development is wreaking havoc in the snail community. A guy snail comes home from a hard day of sliming around, hoping to have an intimate moment with his mate, but when she finally takes off her shell ... YIKES! We hope the Canadian authorities are doing something about this. Their most likely move, of course, would be to build the world's largest fiberglass snail organ. You'd go up to see it, right? We thought so. Don't drink the water. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Canadians and Americans "Americans are proud of what they are-Americans! Canadians are proud of what they are not-Americans! Canadians are unrestrained in the advice they offer Americans. Americans offering advice to Canadians face a double whammy. If they say anything, it may be seen as provocative. If they say nothing, that can be even more offensive. Canadians arevery sensitive about their culture, and it is said, will defend it to the last subsidy. Americans have difficulty linking culture and subsidies, except a negotiator who once told me, `In America, sugar is culture.' Americans know they are Number One, but wonder how long it will last. Canadians know they are not Number One, and wonder if their country will last. Americans are still inspired by the `American Dream'. Canadians are reluctant to dream, except with the benefit of federal/provincial consensus (et dans les deux langues officielles). Americans think the best compliment they can offer is,` You're just like us.' For Canadians, the highest form of flattery is to be told, `You know, you really are different! And so it goes." -From a speech by then Canadian Ambassador to the US, Derek Birney-shortly after which he was replaced. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Canada Canadians had a choice: they could have adopted French culture, the British political system, and American knowhow. What they got was American culture, British knowhow, and French politics. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Why God Never Received Tenure at the University 1. Because he had only one major publication. 2. And it was in Hebrew. 3. And it had no references. 4. And it wasn't published in a refereed journal. 5. And some even doubt he wrote it himself. 6. It may be true that he created the world but what has he done since? 7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited. 8. The scientific community has had a very rough time trying to replicate his results. 9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects. 10. When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects. 11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he often punished them, or just deleted them from the sample. 12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book. 13. He had his son teach the class. 14. He expelled his first two students for learning. 15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his tests. 16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: From the Texas Bar Journal (an architect is testifying as an expert witness) Q: Did you inspect the entire home? A: We went through virtually every room. We may have missed a closet or two, but we went through most every room. Q: O.K. And did you inspect the outside of the home, also? A: Even looked in the attic above the garage. Above the entry. Q: Was there anything out at the [plaintiff's] home that you wanted to see or were not given the opportunity to see? A: Well, there was one room where some javelinas [wild pigs] were, but I didn't particularly need to see in there. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Now, Mrs. Deering, were you the daughter of W.T. "Hooker" Vandergriff, [deceased] as we all knew him? A: Yes, I was. Q: In what capacity? A: Well, he sired me. Q: I'm not sure I got the answer. Judge: I'm not sure I understood your question. In what other capacity could she be his daughter? Atty: We'll try it all over again. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- (From the trial of a contest over two wills left by the late Walter) Q: When did you last see Walter? A: At the funeral. Q: Did he make any comment to you at that time? A: No. The judge commented later: I have wondered who might have been the most relieved that the answer was no: the jury, the opposing parties, the mortician, or the doctor who signed the death certificate. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Mike, your lawyer's given us three photographs and you've looked at them, haven't you? A: Yeah. Q: Who's the person in the picture? A: Me. Q: There are three photographs and you're in each one of them, weren't you? A: Yes. Q: Were you present when these were taken? From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: One liners How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? One, and THAT'S NOT FUNNY!!! What is a Texas satanist called? Beelzebubba. How can you tell if someone is a christian? Slap them and see if they turn the other cheek. From a woman on TV: I think, therefore I'm single. What are the two biggest lies told by cowboys? I won that belt buckle at the rodeo and I was just helping that calf over the fence. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Branch Davidians Did you hear that David Koresh finally quit smoking? What do David Koresh and Spike Lee have in common? They're both black. How do you pick up girls in Waco? With a dustbuster. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Childhood These are approximate quotes from a comedian whose name I don't recall. I don't know if it will work over email; the presentation was important. We had dumb toys as kids. Play money. Looked nothing like real money, its purple with a chicken in the middle. Then in small print: Not Legal Money. As if you're going to walk in a store and the clerk will read the fine print after they miss the purple chicken. Of course the clerks are such morons: 'Oh, we don't take Canadian money.' I broke my refrigerator. I was defrosting it with a sharp implement. I'm in there hacking away with a compass...no I was using a knife but you'd think you were on an arctic dig or something: There's a package of peas may still be alive in there! And you find things you forgot about: Oh, that's where I left the Shroud of Turin. I broke the refrigerator, and this moron comes to fix it and says "Its $1100 to fix it, or $400 for a new one". Gee, I'll have to get back to you on that one. The new refrigerator comes. You know many egg holes I got? Ten. I come home from the supermarket I have to eat two eggs immediately. They always do this to you. Hotdogs, twelve in a package, buns, eight! I'm in the supermarket trying to figure out the lowest common denominator...gee, I never thought I'd have a use for this stuff. What's that come out to, 24 packages of hotdogs? Lets have a cookout. It's hot, it's humid, it's 100 degrees, let's build a fire! My dad, Mr. Know-It-All, had to build the fire: "I know just how to arrange the briquets *geometrically*". Gee, you're a whiz dad, I never would have thought of a pile. He's always handing out advice. I had a mouse in my house. He said "Got a mouse? Get a cat to kill the mouse." Like I want Wild Kingdom in my kitchen. I don't want to see the food chain demonstrated in my home. Cats are psychotic. Why do cats suddenly, for no reason, decide they have to be in another room, urgently. "I'm supposed to be in the living room!!!" ZOOM! You can have a nervous breakdown with these relaxing pets. They rub on your leg "Love you." Means a lot from a cat, does the same thing to the coffee table: "You, too." People with fat cats never admit it "Oh that's just fur." Come on, I almost sat on the thing, I thought it was a bean bag chair. My brother had the worst pet of all, a hamster. The thing got sick and he took it into the vet! That's like bringing a disposable lighter in for repair. People have been saying to me my whole life: "You're so thin, you can eat whatever you want, I bet you really pack it away." I always say yes, because it's common knowledge that skinny people eat like pigs and fat people never touch food. Fat people very quick to tell you: I just look at food and I gain weight! It's a dangerous condition to walk around in. Walk into a supermarket and you can't get out. Someone says that to you, whip out a piece of cheesecake and watch their seams burst open. I just look at food...right before I suck it into my face! I've been thinking about this because my brother tried those chocolate diet candies...Ayds. Yes. You think the people that make those are just a little upset? I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY NAMED A FATAL DISEASE AFTER US! Talk about a marketing nightmare...why couldn't it have been doritoes? Or at least a candy that already sounds like a disease: Goobers. You think Ayds is a bad name for a candy, how about Trident Gum? You know what trident means in Latin? Three teeth. Time for sugarless! Who wants gum? Ahh doo. Ahh doo. I agree that something is lost without the presentation. And in other thoughts: Driving slowly to save gas is like writing slowly to save ink. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: The Canonical Collection of Light Bulb Jokes Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience. Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Five. One to change the bulb and four more to chase off the Californians who have come up to relate to the experience. Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None a ya damn business! A': 50. 50? Yeah 50; its in the contract. Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis. Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change. A': None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready. Q: How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. Thats a hardware problem. A': Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project. Q: How many hardware folks/FSE's does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. That's a software problem. A': None. They always work in the dark!!!! Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb? A: As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway. Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb? A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment of license fee (binary only). Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done. Q: How many `Real Men' does it take to change a light bulb? A:: None: `Real Men' aren't afraid of the dark. A:: None of your damn business! Q: How many `Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb? A: None: A 'Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around to do it. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. ("Thats all right...I'll just sit here in the dark...") Q: How many Polacks does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike! Q: How many marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None: The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution. Q: How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a lightbulb? A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need lightbulbs again. Q: How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs. Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years. Q: How many pre-med students does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him. Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three, but they're really only one. Q: How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to go back on. Q: How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two, one to screw it in, and another to repent. Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb? A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs. Q: How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Thats not funny!!! Q': How many Radcliffe girls does it take to change a light bulb? A': It's "Women" and it's not funny! Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself. Q: How many supply-side economists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in. Q: How many valley girls does it take to change a light bulb? A: Oooh, like, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! For sure. Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time. Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Both of them. Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: A tree in a golden forest. A': Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it. A": One to change and one not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen answer is Four. One to change the bulb. A'":Zen Masters don't need to screw in light bulbs because they carry their own light with them. Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Billions and billions. Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was. Notes: This has also been said of Virginians. Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools. Q: How many gorrilas does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one, but it sure takes a lot of light bulbs! Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare. Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number to dial one of their subornidates to actually change it. Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:...... consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks". Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one. Q: How many gays does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Two. One to screw it in and the other to say "Fabulous." Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it. Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the third to shoot the witness. Q: How many does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 10. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder. Q: How many strong does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 115. One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house. Q: How many gods does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet. Q: How many people does it take to throw away a one WATT bulb?? A: Five. A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple... Notes: topical to the resignation of Interior secretary James Watt in 1983 Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. It turned itself in. Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: How many can you afford? Q: How many football players does it take to change a lightbulb? A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it! Q: How many thought police does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None. There never *was* any lightbulb. Notes: Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984. Q: how many cabbage patch dolls does it take to change a lightbulb? A: the question is irrelevant since you couldn't find the dolls even if you knew how many. Notes: Topical to 1983 and the difficulty of obtaining cabbage patch dolls Q: How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget! Q: How many psychics does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: ---- You should have hit "n"! Q: How many "pro-lifers" does it take to change a light bulb? A: 6: 2 to screw in the bulb and 4 to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing. Q: How many sorority sisters does it take to change a light bulb? A: 51. One to change the bulb, and fifty to sing about the bulb being changed. Q: How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three: One to screw it in, and the other two to help him down off the keg. A': Five: One to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer until the room spins. Q: How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Just one. He holds the lightbulb and the universe revolves around him. Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to assure the everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet. Q: How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed? A: This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile... Q: How many necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?" A: None, Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs. A': Only one. Oh, excuse me could you please test the socket with your finger while I go get a new bulb?" Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb? A: About one third less than for a regular bulb. Q: How many Jewish-American Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to get a Tab and one to call Daddy. Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: What kind of answer did you have in mind? Q: How many economists does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Two. One to assume the ladder, and one to change the lightbulb. Q: How many civil servants does it take to change the lightbulb? A: 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork. Q: How many junkies does it take? A: Oh wow, is it like dark, man? Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb? A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday. Q: How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a lightbulb ? A: 50. One to screw in the lightbulb and the remaining 49 to guard him . Q: How many technical writers does it take to screw in a light-bulb? A: Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it. Q: "How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?" A: "151, one to screw the light-bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct the ship out of disgrace." (Warning: do not tell this to Romulans or be ready for a fight. They consider this joke to be a discrace, though it is not bad for a LBJ.) Q: How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace a light bulb? A: Many hands make light work. Q: How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb? A: "Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000" Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb? A: 7. Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red shirt security officers beam down. The 3 security officers are promply killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection. Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and as a reward the landing party is set free and given all of the light bulbs they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the planet just in time to beam up Kirk et. al. The new bulb is inserted, and the Enterprise continues with its five year mission. Q: How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb? A: None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs. Q: How many Pygmies does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: At least three. (Notes: think height!) Q: How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight. Q: How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 10,0000 - to give the bulb a cultural revolution. Q: How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. Astronomers prefer the dark. Q: How many anarchists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: All of them. Q: How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me." (Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, the phrase was from "Laugh In.") Q: Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a lightbulb? A: No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it. Q: How many Ergonomicists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Five. Four to decide which way the bulb OUGHT to turn, and... Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end. Q: How many bikers does it take to change a light bulb? A: It takes two. One to change the bulb, and the other to kick the switch. Q: How many Field Service Engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: That depends on how many defective bulbs they brought. Q: How many referral agents does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago. Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness. Q: How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb? A: one. Q: How many big black monoliths does it take to change a light bulb? A: Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end. Q: How many lightbulbs does it take to change a lightbulb? A: One, if it knows its own Goedel number. Q: How many lightbulb jokes does it take to change a lightbulb joke? A: The probability that a given lightbulb joke will be submitted to the net in any given week is .4, and the probability that it will have changed detectably since the last transmission is .2 . Hence (assuming independence, which is reasonable since no submitter of a lightbulb joke ever seems to know it has been submitted before, within the last 2 or 3 weeks), the probability that it will change in a given week is .08 . So it takes about 12.5 lightbulb jokes to change a lightbulb joke. Q: How many net.jokers does it take to tell yet-another LBJ? A: 1,622. One to tell the orginal joke, and the rest to give some minor variation of it! Q: How many netters does it take to submit a lightbulb joke? A: 1000: One to submit the joke and 999 to submit "How many programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, thats a hardware problem" From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Old Quotes A smart career move. -Gore Vidal on Truman Capote's death. Aerobics comes from two greek words: "aero", meaning "ability to" and "bics" meaning "withstand tremendous boredom". -Dave Barry Republicans run on the platform that government doesn't work, then get elected to prove it. -P.J. O'Rourke Canada is a country so square that even the female impersonators are women. -Richard Brenner Love is more pleasant than marriage for the same reason that novels are more amusing than history. -Nicholas Chamfort Say what you want about the ten commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them. -H. L. Mencken A conference is a gathering of very important people who singly can do nothing, but collectively can decide that nothing can be done. -Fred Allen From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Thanks, Mom. My mother sent me a card saying: Son, when we think of the man you've grown to be -- so responsible, independent and mature, we just have one thing to say... and then inside WHERE IS OUR REAL SON AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH HIM? From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: License plate humor F WE HD 2 WRT PAPRZ LK VNTY PLTZ R WRTN, IT WUD B VRY HD 2 CMUNKT, BT Z PAPRZ WUD B VRY SHRT, N JRNLZ THN. -PRTZN PS: U WR XPKTN Wm SAFYR, R A COMDN, PRAPZ? From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Unsolicited manuscripts These are excerpts of unsolicited manuscriptis provided by a prominent New York editor of serious fiction. Harold slumped into a chair like slush down a sewer, stunned. "Yeah," the archeology professor said, "I recently asked Mr. Bowman, the principal here at Harvard, for a raise." I followed her body into the library, first with my eyes, then with my feet. It was well stacked with books. The church was as empty as the insides of a biopsy victim. "Pardon?" she asked in a tone that made me want to wash my hands. "Going to the washroom is one thing," I challenged her, "and sneezing with your eyes closed is another. And of course," I added sarcastically, "death is the baby that makes three." "What the hell do you think you're doing, Little Jr.?" Little Jr.'s father asked, his mouth smelling like a distillery out of the past. "Why *can't* we have a baby?" Jenny demanded. "Mass., Del., Mich., and Conn, are the only states where independent adoptions are outlawed." Insincerity always griveled at her, especially when it surrogated the truth. He became lost in his scalp, thinking dark thoughts. The blood crashing through my veins abruptly ceased its flow. All was silent now. I was dead. Bob was easy to recognize underwater. "You put a good front on," he flattered me. "But you don't fool anyone, let alone me." An ardent sex parasite, I often spent uncanny amounts of money for absolutely enchanting evenings of sexual gusto. Bobby Franklin's godmother Maisie said that he always gave her the impression of having just stepped off an ironing board. At first glance, she appeared fragile, but her shapely arms below the elbow belied this. David Manchester was no home body. He like to spend his days standing at the finnish line at the racetrack. Jane was bored silly with her job as secretary to the editor of a house organ at a paper cup factory. The minister was short, with meticulously cut short hair, a frail physique, and a quiet rash above his collar. She listened intently, with all her ears. A girl like Evelyn would stop at nothing to get her name in the footlights. The bookcase was made of solid walnuts and polished to a high shine. The nurse peeped into my bedpan and put it on the floor, whispering "sh." Her large grey eyes were the window of an unhappy soul which dwelled deep inside her. His eyes fell instantly on Trudy's black nightgown, which she was occupying. The man wore a charcoal-grey three piece suit and sported a diamond ring on his pinky that Sergeant Miller exaggerated to himself as being the size of a hamburger. Burt didn't wake Lana when he got home and when she woke in the morning his side of the bed wasn't soiled. Joannie's thoughts fell silent. The sweater was coral and snug, emphasizing her torso's assets. From the moment he crushed Cora's skull, he knew it was going to be a rotten Monday. "Damn," the sergeant said, lighting a cigar. "You'd think that women would learn not to go out and do their laundry alone. It's like they're looking for some kind of cheap thrill." My hand felt limp and my drink fell to the floor. I was soon to follow. Onwards down the street he trod, passing all those that passed him. My family was very close, having all grown up together. "She's sensational," Mike said enthusiastically. "Wait till you see her thick eyelashes and her jet blonde hair." Her long slender legs were cross, as if a sign to anyone from taking liberties with her while she slept. Catherine awoke in a panic that she was going blind, then she realized that her eyes were shut tight. It was the first rain the city saw in many months and the streets sounded like someone smashing potato[e] chips. Mrs. Smith's radio was singing a popular ditty. My day at work had been rather hectic for me, as it has been for the past several days, and I came home exhausted and angry at the world, and at Mr. Whipple in general. She tried desperately to be fair, weighting the question almost as a butcher would a side of beef on a large set of scales. If Darcy wanted to invite her to the prom she would be thrilled to say the most. "Frieda had destroyed, I hope only temporarily, a youthful part of me, the side which is optimistic and idyllic, that facet of my being that made me cope when the going got tough," Mel said, "and for that the bitch will pay with her life." Jonathan was ambitious, a freight train speeding toward a destination, wheels clinging to the track, metal exploding on metal, whistle screaming all the way. The judge was so fat he looked like he had about four people under his robe and they were playing bridge sort of to pass the time. "That just doesn't wash with me," Sandra declared. "I don't know why but I love you deeply, you creep." She broke off to blow her nose, then said, "Still, I'll be damned if I'll sneak around and be your mistress. Either you get rid of her forthwith or we split the sheets." He'd always hated being bound and gagged. She was a willowy, laughing history major and he was a good-looking guy himself. An endless succession of baby sweaters came from Geraldine's knitting needles. James would have never believed it could happen but six months went by. It was a good thing sweat could not be heard breaking out upon a body. Martin knew that under Jeannie's thin veneer of outward convention, she was totally naked. "I felt like you and I had something unfinished between us," she sobbed, "almost like a bridge that was meant to cross a river and then suddenly someone sawed it in half." I was completely disgusted with myself but had to acknowledge my trembling hands, shortness of breath, and whiteness of my face as downright terror -- I sensed some unknown danger, that was my trouble. She was not only well educated, but well versed in philosophy, history, literature and languages. [economics?] He snorted mentally. Her wince was almost audible. If worst came to worst, he could always go for Mark's juggler. Sure, Dale thought, that was easy for her to say -- she wasn't going bald. Her beautiful negligee never failed to bring out the man she loved. This particular group of coal minors was the lowest of the low. She did not die of the rapist's knife but from the deep wound in her ashamed soul. Dancing to the strains of a good conservative band was fun though it served no utilitarian purpose. [the author must be a Chicago or UCLA Ph.D.] --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Editorial notes: 1. Key misspellings (e.g. finnish, walnuts, minors) were in the original. 2. Sqaure brackets [] are editorial comments, not in the original. Final remark. The best mixed metaphor I ever heard was a comment on Jimmy Carter's decision not to deploy the neutron bomb in Europe, after getting the the Nato allies to support this decision. The comment was: He got them to crawl out on a limb and then pulled the rug out from under them. If you know a better one, I want to hear it. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: One-Liners Here are some recent offerings from Group J: Why do computer programmers have so much trouble washing their hair? The instructions say "Lather, rinse, repeat". One feminist says to the other, "How many men does it take to change a lightbulb?" The other replies, "I don't know but I'd sure like to cut his balls off". How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. One to do it and one to talk about how much more satisfying it was than sex with a man. What does an attorney use as a contraceptive? His personality. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: CANADIAN WORMS: CASH CROP OR JUST SLIMY SPEED BUMPS? by Dave Barry I am sick and tired of waiting for our so-called leaders to stop nattering about the federal budget deficit and instead roll up their sleeves and do something about the worsening Canadian earthworm crisis. In case you are not aware of this crisis (which was brought to my attention by alert readers Nadine Lindst and Carla Hagstrom), let me bring you up to speed: In early May, the Canadian Press Service sent out a report that began: "GEORGETOWN, Ontario. More than 50 worm pickers beat each other with steel pipes and pieces of wood in a battles over territory." The story states that two rival worm-picking groups "arrived at the same spot at the same time" and started fighting over who would pick the worms there. A number of people were hospitalized, four cars were wrecked, and a van was set on fire. At this point, you have the same questions I did, namely: 1. These people were fighting over *WORMS*? 2. Is there some kind of new drug going around Canada? In an effort to answer these questions, I called Canada, which has telephones, and spoke with detective Sgt. Michael Kingston of the Halton Regional Police. He told me that worm picking is a big deal in Ontario, which produces a long, fat style of worm that is prized by fisherpersons as well as fish. "There's a huge market," Kingston said. "On a good evening, an industrious worker can make about $185 picking these worms." He said there's intense competition for prime picking locations such as golf courses, where the worms come to the surface at night to breed and smoke cigarettes. No, I'm kidding about the smoking. Worms aren't that stupid. They come to the surface to breed and soak up dew. Kingston said the worm pickers, many of whom are Vietnamese immigrants, wear miners' hats with headlamps and drop the worms into cans strapped to their ankles. Doesn't that sound romantic, in a Wild West kind of way? I like to think that, at the end of the night, the pickers, ankle cans clanking, stride into the Worm Pickers Saloon, where they pay for their whiskey by slapping hefty nightcrawlers down on the table. But this is not what happens. What happens is that the pickers load vast quantities of worms into their vehicles and proceed to drive on Canadian highways. This has led to a scary new development: worm spills. I am not making this up. Here's a quotation from a May 25 story written by Timothy Appleby for the Toronto Globe and Mail: TORONTO: A van carrrying a group of Vietnamese worm pickers overturned west of Toronto yesterday morning, leaving eight people injured... The accident occurred a few hundred metres from where another van full of Vietnamese worm pickers crashed and rolled 10 days ago, sending 18 people to the hospital. The story quotes a constable as saying "I've never seen so many worms in my life." As any traffic-safety professional will tell you if he has been drinking, worms on the highway are a recipe for disaster. Suppose a crowded tour bus is tooling along a Canadian highway at a metric speed of 130 hectares per centigram, the unsuspecting passengers chatting away happily in Canadian ("Eh?" "Eh?" "Eh?") when suddenly their laughter turns to screams ("EHHHHH!!") as the bus encounters a giant worm slick and spins, out of control, off the road, and the passengers are hurled out of doors and windows, landing in the Canadian woods, injured and moaning ("ehhhhh"), unable to protect themselves from wild mooses pooping on them or sadistic beavers repeatedly tail-slapping their faces. Your natural reaction, as a humanitarian, is: "So?" But perhaps you will not be so blase when I inform you that, according to a Canadian bait expert quoted in the Globe and Mail (I still am not making this up), most of the Canadian worm crop is shipped, in tractor-trailers, TO THE UNITED STATES. Yes. This means you could find yourself in a car directly behind a large truck containing, by a conservative estimate, 137.4 bazillion Canadian earthworms (even more, if they've been having sex in there). And if, God forbid, something went wrong and the truck's entire cargo suddenly got dumped onto the road, you could find yourself plowing, at upward of 60 miles per hour, into a writhing, slime-intensive worm mass nearly twice the size of Rush Limbaugh. What can we do to prevent this? The obvious solution, of course, is to set up a Worm Blockade on the border, enforced by U.S. Customs agents, who would inspect incoming trucks with the aid of fiercely loyal, specially trained worm-sniffing trout. ("Rex found some! Good BOY, Rex!") But this would only drive the worm traffic underground (rim shot). A better long-term solution would be a massive federal "Buy American" program aimed at the U.S. worm consumers, including the requirement that all domestic worms be clearly labelled "DOMESTIC WORM." This would also create jobs in the chronically depressed U.S. worm-branding industry. Oh, there would be Canadian objections ("Eh!"). But that is precisely why we have nuclear weapons. If you agree with me on this issue, I urge you to send a strongly worded letter to: Failed President Clinton, c/o Air Force One, Runway 17. Another thing you should do, if you agree with me on this issue, is seek professional help. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: FAILED CLINTON ADMINISTRATION SIGNS UP GERGEN JUST IN TIME by Dave Barry The time has come for unbiased observers such as myself to make a fair and objective assessment of the first roughly 187 days of the failed Clinton administration. I would say it did pretty well until the inauguration. There had been great excitement as "The Man >From Hope Via Oxford And Of Course Yale Law School" came to Washington, bringing with him a new vision for America and numerous 18-point programs and a cat. He also brought a close-knit, battle-hardened staff of smart, tough, fiercely dedicated, loyal, savvy, gung-ho junior-high-school students, who immediately set about the task of transforming the federal government from a bloated money-hemorrhaging bureaucracy into a bloated money-hemorrhaging bureaucracy in which they had reserved parking places. They worked long hours, burning the midnight oil night after night, seven days a week, week after week, until finally, possibly as a direct result of inhaling oil fumes, they began displaying the shrewd political savvy of floor wax. The unfortunate result was a series of administration blunders, culminating in the debacle wherein the president got a $200 haircut on the airport runway. Mr. Clinton also had problems with major nominations, as was evidenced by his decision to give the U.N. ambassadorship to Gennifer Flowers. But at least that time he *MADE* a decision. Most of the time, he appeared to be highly indecisive, especially when he was trying to pick a Supreme Court nominee; at one point, his staff leaked the names of roughly 350 simultaneous front-runners, including Raymond Burr. You had all these people convinced that they were going to get the job, which made for a pretty awkward scene when the president finally made the announcement: PRESIDENT CLINTON: ...and so I am very pleased to announce the nomination of the person I truly feel is best qualified for this critical position, and that person is ...(flip...) Tails! It's what's her name! The little short lady with three names! BRUCE BABBITT (lunging out of the crowd): Let me see that coin! You can't do this, you son of a BOOOFF (He is felled by Hillary Rodham Clinton, who happens to be armed with her Top Secret 5,364 page, 71 pound plan to simply the U.S. health care system.) To make matters worse, Mr. Clinton was not getting along with the White House press corps, as could be detected by the outwardly respectful, yet subtly negative tone of the questions he was asked ("Mr. Clinton, sir, with all due respect, sir, are you a big hiney-head, or what?"). The press corps tends to be testy, and you would understand why if you saw the White House press facility. It's nothing like the Green Room or the East Room; it's more like the Dumpster Room. It's cramped and grungy, and there are reporters in there who have been sitting around since the Lincoln administration, surviving on vending-machine food that looks like the result of unsuccessful attempts to clone plywood. So the reporters were already in a cranky mood when this new president came swooping in and started yammering day and night about his economic package. Reporters believe there is nothing more boring than an economic package, except maybe an environmental package. The press corps had grown accustomed to George Bush, who did not take his packages seriously; and Ronald Reagan, who believed deeply in his packages but could not remember what they were. So whenever President Clinton tried to talk about the economy, the press corps, to be ornery, asked questions about something else. If the Clinton strategists had been smart, they'd have used reverse psychology to trick the press corps into asking the right kinds of questions: PRESIDENT CLINTON: I'd like to start by announcing that last night I lost $3.7 billion and a naval base playing golf with Michael Jordon. Naked. I'll take your questions. PRESS CORPS MEMBER (suspiciously): What about your economic package? Anyway, the bottom line is that it has not been a great first 187 days. But it's getting better. The White House has a new direction and purpose, which is being provided by David Gergen, the same man who provided direction and purpose for the Reagan White House (he's also available for weddings and bar mitzvahs). Gergen has turned the administration around via the shrewd tactic of having President Clinton meet with reporters only while standing in front of a very loud helicopter while Nancy Reagan, who has come out of retirement, plucks at his sleeve. So once again the country appears to be headed in the right direction. There's even talk that, some time this fall, if conditions are right, we're going to invade Grenada. And here's another piece of good news: For some unknown reason, we're suddenly *VERY* popular in the U.N. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Etymology Some of you know this already, but an oxymoron is itself a one word oxymoron: from oxy [sharp] and moros [dull], both from greek. Other words that exemplify themselves are polysyllabic and pentasyllabic. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: This is dedicated to Charles Swanson, sailor extraordinaire. CALL OF THE SEA IS BEST LEFT TOTALLY IGNORED by Dave Barry There comes a time in a man's life when he hears the call of the sea. "Hey, YOU!" are the sea's exact words. If the man has a brain in his head, he will hang up the phone immediately. That's what I should have done recently when I was called to the sea by my friends Hannah and Paddy, who had rented a sailboat in the Florida Keys. They love to sail. Their dream is to quit their jobs and sail around the world, living a life of carefree adventure until their boat is sunk by an irate whale and they wind up drifting in a tiny raft and fighting over who gets to eat the sun block. At least that's the way I see it turning out. The only safe way to venture onto the ocean is aboard a cruise ship the size of a rural school district. Even then you're not safe, because you might become trapped in your cabin due to bodily expansion. Cruise ships carry thousands of tons of high-calorie food, and under maritime law they cannot return to port until all of it has been converted to passenger fat. So there are at least eight feedings a day. But on cruise ships you rarely find yourself dangling from poles, which is more than I can say for the sailboat rented by Hannah and Paddy. The captain was a man named Dan, who used to be a race-car driver until he had heart trouble and switched from fast cars to sailboats, which are the slowest form of transportation on Earth with the possible exception of airline flights that go through O'Hare. Sometimes I suspect that sailboats never move at all, and the only reason they appear to go from place to place is continental drift. Nevertheless, we were having a pleasant day on Captain Dan's boat, the Jersey Girl, doing busy nautical things like hoisting the main stizzen and mizzening the aft beam, and meanwhile getting passed by other boats, seaweed, lobsters, glaciers, etc. The trouble arose when we attempted to enter a little harbor so we could go to a bar featuring a band headed by a large man named Richard. This band is called - really - "Big Dick and the Extenders." We were close enough to hear them playing when the Jersey Girl plowed into what nautical experts call the "bottom." The problem was an unusually low tide. Helpful people in smaller boats kept telling us this. "It's an unusually low tide!" they'd shout helpfully as they went past. They were lucky the Jersey Girl doesn't have a cannon. We'd been sitting there for quite a while when Captain Dan suggested, with a straight face, that if some of us held onto a large pole called the "boom" and swung out over the water, our weight might make the boat lean over enough to get free. I now realize that this was a prank. Fun-loving sailboat captains are probably always trying to get people out on the boom, but most people aren't that stupid. We, however, had been substantially refreshed by beverages under a hot sun, so we actually did it. Four of us climbed up, hung our stomachs over the boom, kicked off from the side of the boat, and NOOOOOO.... Picture a giant shish kebab skewer sticking out sideways from a boat ten feet over the water, except instead of pieces of meat on it, there are four out-of-shape guys, faces pale and sweating, flabby legs flailing, ligaments snapping like rifle shots. We instantly became a tourist attraction. A crowd gathered on shore, laughing and pointing. Some of them were probably sailboat captains. Look!" they were probably saying. "Captain Dan got *FOUR* of them out on the boom! A new record!" Meanwhile, next to me, Paddy, a middle-aged attorney who is not, let's be honest, built like an Olympic gymnast, who is in fact built a lot like a gym, was saying, in an unusually high voice, "We better bring the boom back now. OK? Now? OK?? WE BETTER BRING THE BOOM BACK NOW! BRINGTHEBOOMBACKNOW!! I SAID..." "HANG ON!" Captain Dan was shouting. "She's about to move!" People on shore were now taking pictures. "IT'S AN UNUSUALLY LOW TIDE!" a helpful boater was shouting. "Please," Paddy was saying, very quietly now. "I think she's moving!" Captain Dan sang out. In fact the Jersey Girl was exhibiting no more floatation than central Nebraska. As I clung to the boom, listening to Paddy whimper, two thoughts penetrated my pain: (1) He was PAYING for this experience; and (2) If you have to die, you want it to be for a noble cause. You don't want it to be for "Big Dick and the Extenders." It turned out we didn't die. We finally got swung back onto the boat and began thinking about leading our lives without ever moving any muscles again. And eventually Captain Dan got the boat unstuck. He needed the help of a motorboat. I am certain this was also true of Columbus. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: DAVE BARRY'S ADVICE ON HOW TO ACT IN A MEETING This depends on the kind of meeting it is. There are two major kinds: 1. MEETINGS THAT ARE BASICALLY HELD FOR THE SAME REASON THAT ARBOR DAY IS OBSERVED, namely, tradition. For example, a lot of managerial people like to meet on Monday, because it is Monday. You'll get used to it. You'd better, because this kind of meeting accounts for 83 percent of all meetings held (based on a study in which I wrote down numbers until one of them looked about right). This kind of meeting operates the way "Show and Tell" operates in nursery school, with everybody getting to say something, the difference being that in nursery school the kids actually have something new to say. When it's your turn, you should say you're still working on whatever it is you're supposed to be working on. This may seem pretty dumb, since *obviously* you'd be working on whatever you're supposed to be working on, and even if you weren't, you'd *claim* you were, but this is the traditional thing for everybody to say. It would be a lot faster if the person running the meeting would just say "Everybody who is still working on whatever he or she is supposed to be working on, raise your hand!" You'd all be out of there in five minutes, even allowing time for jokes. But this is not how we do it in America. My guess is, it's how they do it over in Japan. 2. MEETINGS WHERE THERE IS SOME ALLEGED PURPOSE. These are trickier, because what you do depends on what the purpose is. Sometimes the purpose is harmless, like somebody wants to show everybody slides of pie charts and give everybody a big fat report. All you have to do in this kind of meeting is sit there and have elaborate sexual fantasies, then take the report back to your office and throw it away, unless of course you're a vice president, in which case you write the name of a subordinate in the upper right hand corner, followed by a question mark, like this: "Norm?" Then you send it to Norm and forget all about it (although it will plague old Norm for the rest of his career). But sometimes you go to meetings where the purpose is to get your "input" on something. This is very serious, because what it means is, they want to make sure that in case whatever it is turns out to be stupid or fatal, you'll get some of the blame. I mean, if they thought it was any good, they wouldn't want your "input," would they? So you have to somehow escape from the meeting before they get around to asking you anything. One way to do this is to set fire to your tie. Another is to have an accomplice interrupt the meeting and announce that you have a phone call from somebody very important, such as the president of the company or the Pope. It should be either one or the other. It would sound fishy if the accomplice said, "You have a call from the president of the company, or the pope." From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Rejoinder to the infamous blonde jokes [ed: I received a long list of blonde jokes by email, which I forwarded on without examining. After two complaints that they were disgusting, I examined them, and issued an apology. They were disgusting. The best response to the blonde jokes that I received is contained below. The author, Alan Slivinski, gave me permission to forward it.] I am forwarding this on, with permission of the author > >Damn good thing they weren't Polish jokes. > >To wit; > >What does a woman who marries a Polack get that's long and hard? > >A last name. > >I started to respond to the lady who told me this by saying, `Well, mine's not >that hard', but bit my tongue, fortunately. > >Al > My Addendum: And before you send the irate responses, Al's last name is Slivinski. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: TOILET SNAKES By Dave Barry As you are aware if you follow international events, over the past year I have written a number (two) of columns about the worldwide epidemic of snakes in toilets. As a result I have received many letters from people who have had personal toilet-snake encounters, to the point where I now consider it newsworthy when somebody reports NOT finding a snake in a toilet. But now I am getting nervous. I say this because of a recent alarming incident wherein a woman, attempting to use her commode, was attacked in an intimate place _ specifically, Gwinnett, Ga. _ by a SQUIRREL. I have here an article from The Atlanta Journal-Constitution, written by Gail Hagans and sent in by a number of alert readers. The headline _ a textbook example of clear journalism _ states: ``Squirrel somehow makes way into commode, scratches Gwinnett woman's behind.'' I am not making this headline up. The woman is quoted as follows: ``I went to the bathroom and lifted the lid and sat down. That's when I felt something scratching my behind.'' So, following the recommended ``Jump, Slam, Call and Tell'' emergency procedure, she jumped up, slammed the lid down, called her husband at work and told him to come home immediately, which he of course did. We may live in an age of gender equality, but men have a protective instinct that dates back millions of years, to when they would have to defend their mates from such vicious predators as the saber-toothed tiger and the mastodon (toilets were much bigger in those days). Unfortunately, by the time the husband got home, the squirrel had drowned, forcing us to once again ask WHEN the failed Clinton administration will demand that ALL commodes be equipped with tiny life preservers. But that is not the issue at hand. The issue at hand is that the squirrel apparently got into the plumbing system via a roof vent, which means that if you, like so many people, have a roof, your toilet is vulnerable to ANY organism with a long narrow body, including (but not limited to) otters, weasels, dachshunds, squids and international fashion models with only one name, such as ``Iman.'' But that is by no means the only major toilet development. There is also the Mystery Toilet in Texas that produces ballpoint pens. I am not making this up, either. According to a story in the Wichita Falls (Tex.) Times/Record News, written by Steve Clements and sent in by several alert readers, a man named David Garza of Henrietta, Tex., has fished 75 Papermate ballpoint pens out of his toilet over the past two years, sometimes as many as five pens per day. Garza has no idea where they're coming from, and neither do the local sewer authorities. The story was accompanied by a photograph of Garza sitting on the bathtub next to the Mystery Toilet, holding a pen, looking like a successful angler. I called him immediately. ``What's the status of the toilet?'' I asked. ``It's still a mystery,'' he said. He said he hadn't found any new pens since the newspaper story, but that he has become something of a celebrity. This is understandable. People naturally gravitate to a man who has a Mystery Toilet. ``Everywhere I go,'' he said, ``people say to me, `Hey, you got a pen?''' I asked him if the pens still write, and he said they do. ``Papermate ought to make a commercial out of this,'' he said. ``The slogan could be, `We come from all over and write anywhere.' You know, like Coca-Cola, `It's there when you need it.''' Actually, I don't think that's Coca-Cola's slogan. But Garza's statement got me to thinking about a possible breakthrough TV commercial wherein an athlete is standing in the locker room, sweating, thirsty as heck, and the toilet gurgles, and up pops a nice refreshing can of Coke. Yum! A commercial like that might be exactly what Coca-Cola needs to counteract all the free media attention Pepsi got recently with the syringe thing. But the question is: Why are Papermate pens showing up in this toilet? There's only one logical explanation _ I'm sure you thought of it _ ALIEN BEINGS. David Garza's toilet is apparently connected to some kind of intergalactic sewage warp, through which aliens are trying to establish communication by sending Papermate pens (which are for sale everywhere). Probably they want us to write down our phone number on a piece of Charmin and flush it back to them. Speaking of toilets and communication, you need to know about a TV-review column from The Daily Yomiuru, an English-language newspaper published in Japan. The column, sent in by alert reader Chris Graillat, states that there's a children's TV show in Japan called ``Ugo Ugo Ruga,'' which features _ I am still not making this up _ ``an animated character with heavy eyebrows called Dr. Puri Puri (Dr. Stinky), a piece of talking excrement that keeps popping up from the toilet bowl to express strange platitudes only an adult can fathom.'' You're thinking: ``Hey! Sounds like Henry Kissinger!'' No, seriously, you're thinking that there are indeed some scary worldwide developments occurring in toilets, and the international authorities had better do something about it. And then they'd better wash their hands. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Descartes Rene Descartes is having a few drinks with his friend, Count Abel. Abel asks "Rene, would you like another?" and Descartes replies "I think not" and then instantly dematerializes. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Polish sausage >From SLIVINSKI@sscl.uwo.ca Tue Sep 7 13:27:42 1993 From: SLIVINSKI@sscl.uwo.ca To: mcafee@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Subject: Re: Fellow walks into a store, orders a pound of Polish sausage. Shopkeeper: `You must be Polish.' F: (irate) Hey, if I'd ordered German Bratwurst, would you have asked me if I'm German?' S: `Well, no.' F: And if I'd ordered a loaf of Jewish rye, would you have asked if I was Jewish?' S; `Probably not.' F: So why do you ask if I'm Polish, just because I ordered Polish sausage?' S: Because this is a hardware store. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: redundancies, tautologies, non-sequiturs and oxymorons If you think this is a little too long, you should have seen it when I got it. _____ When large numbers of men are unable to find work, unemployment results. Calvin Coolidge Black Light I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. Postal Service Striped paint. jumbo shrimp That shoe fits him like a glove. Plastic lemons, rubber bones, bricked-up windows, artificial grass, plastic flowers, invisible ink. People have one thing in common: they are all different. The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be. Paul Valery Often it is fatal to live too long. Racine As famous as the unknown soldier. Anyone who isn't confused here doesn't really know what's going on. I must follow the people. Am I not their leader ? Benjamin Disraeli The saddest moment in a person's life comes but once. He lived his life to the end. You always find something in the last place you look. Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think. Ambrose Bierce You can observe a lot just by watchin'. Yogi Berra The English certainly and fiercly pride themselves in never praising themselves. Wyndham Lewis I am not sincere, even when I say I am not. Jules Renard You've no idea of what a poor opinion I have of myself, and how little I deserve it. W.S. Gilbert Great Rules for writing from William Safire in the New York Times. Do not put statements in the negative form. And don't start sentences with a conjunction. It is incumbent on one to avoid archaisms. If you reread your work, you will find on rereading that a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do. Unqualified superlatives are the worst of all. De-accession euphemisms. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Never, ever use repetitive redundancies. Also, avoid awkward or affected alliteration. Last, but not least, avoid cliche's like the plague. "Have you lived in this village all your life?" "No, not yet." Inform all the troops that communications have completely broken down. Ashleigh Brilliant Nobody goes to that restaurant anymore. It's too crowded. Just the omission of Jane Austen's books alone would make a fairly good library out of a library that hadn't a book in it. Mark Twain From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Quotes from Samuel Goldwyn, immigrant turned famous movie producer Quick as a flashlight. It rolled off my back like a duck. (When told his son was getting married) Thank heaven. A bachelor's life is no life for a single man. A hospital is no place to be sick. Our comedies are not to be laughed at. I can give you a definite perhaps. (when told a script was full of old cliches) Let's have some new cliches. ("You say you've never made a picture before?") Yes, but that's our strongest weak point. Gentleman, include me out. A verbal contract isn't worth the paper its printed on. I can tell you in two words: im possible. (on being told that a friend had named his son Sam, after him) Why did you do that? Every Tom, Dick and Harry is named Sam! I paid too much for it, but its worth it. Gentlemen, for your information, I have a question to ask you. I read part of it all the way through. If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive. I never put on a pair of shoes until I've worn them at least five years. Let's bring it up to date with some snappy nineteenth century dialogue. Goldwyn: What kind of dancing does Martha Graham do? Associate: Modern dancing. Goldwyn: I don't want her then, modern dancing is so old fashioned. I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead. Bookkeeper: Mr. Goldwyn, our files are bulging with paperwork we no longer need. May I have your permission to destroy all records before 1945? Goldwyn: Certainly. Just be sure to keep a copy of everything. Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. (on a film set of a tenement) Goldwyn : Why is everything so dirty here? Director : Because it's supposed to be a slum area. Goldwyn : Well, this slum cost a lot of money. It should look better than an ordinary slum. Gentlemen, listen to me slowly. That's the trouble with directors - always biting the hand that lays the golden egg. Keep a stiff upper chin. We have all passed a lot of water since then. .... we have that Indian scene. We can get the Indians from the resevoir. (in discussing Lillian Helman's play, "The Children's Hour") Goldwyn : Maybe we ought to buy it? Associate : Forget it, Mr. Goldwyn, its about Lesbians. Goldwyn : That's okay, we'll make them Americans. Don't worry about the war. It's all over but the shooting. Associate : Its too caustic for film. Goldwyn : To hell with the cost, if it's a good story, I'll make it. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Classified ads These are classified ads from the NY Times, reprinted in an article by Garry Trudeau, 10/13/93. They were culled from those tiny classified ads you see on page 1. ATTRACTIVE, ECONOMICALLY VIABLE Ethnic region seeks backers for full autonomy. Have access to seaport, intact colonial school system. Fro prospectus, contact: Deaver Associates, Washington, D.C. 20037. -ADVT ----------------------------------------------- HAVE YOU EXPERIENCED A CRIME, FIRE OR medical emergency with the last hour or so? Call 911. -ADVT ------------------------------------------------ GIRLS! BOYS! MAKE BIG BUCKS IN YOUR spare time. Apply NW corner of Amster. and 91st. Ask for Horse or Lucca. -ADVT ------------------------------------------------ FORE SAIL: SLIGHT LEE USED NEWTON Personal Digit Tall Assist Pants. Call 212 78j}###8? --ADVT ----------------------------------------------- INVESTMENT GRADE PEZ DISPENSERS. Future superstars of the collectors market, destined to fetch prices far in excess of what conscience permits us to charge you. Our highly trained operator is standing by at (800) 787-8999 -ADVT ----------------------------------------------- IF YOU HAVE FEELINGS OF LOW SELF-Esteem, worthlessness, call The Diva Institute at 970-1202. Qualified individuals only, please. -ADVT ----------------------------------------------- WILL TRADE PORK BELLIES FOR HAMPTONS time share. Call beeper number (914) 777- 1588 -ADVT ----------------------------------------------- NAFTA ENTHUSIAST SEEKS SAME to discuss implementation protocols. Photo a must. Write Box 4467, Washington, D.C. 24453. -ADVT ----------------------------------------------- IF YOU ARE UNUSUALLY PARANOID, IT MAY be not without reason. To find out if you are on our list, send $10 to Box 3458, Brooklyn, NY 11234 -ADVT ------------------------------------------------------------------\ From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Applying to College I received this from Jon Skinner at UVA, by way of Janet Currie. Where he got it, I don't know. This is an actual essay that a guy used to get himself accepted at NYU 2 or 3 years ago. ---------------- The author of this essay, Hugh Gallagher, now attends NYU 3A. ESSAY IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON? I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis. But I have not yet gone to college. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Feuds Two neighboring farmers are feuding. They hate each other, really. We'll call one Hatfield and the other McCoy. Neither is terribly bright. One day, McCoy's duck flies over Hatfields farm. Hatfield shoots the duck and plans to eat it. McCoy saw the killing of his duck and rushes to claim the body. "Hatfield, you fool, you shot my duck! Give me my duck!" "No, its my duck now." After several minutes of argument, McCoy has an idea. "Let's settle this like men. We'll see who's the toughest. The toughest one gets the duck. "We'll take turns kicking each other in the balls until one of us gives up. When you give up, you lose the duck." Hatfield says, "OK, fair enough" "I'll go first", says McCoy, backing up about fifteen feet. Then with running start, he kicks Hatfield in the groin. A tremendous kick, it knocks Hatfield to the ground, where he lies groaning for some time. Finally, Hatfield very slowly gets up, obviously still in some pain. "My turn now", he says with a cruel snort. "Keep the duck!", says McCoy, walking away. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Guide dogs from hell > > "We will not have him put down. Lucky is basically a damn good guide > dog," Ernst Gerber, a dog trainer from Wuppertal told reporters. "He > just needs a little brush-up on some elementary skills, that's all." > > Gerber admitted to the press conference that Lucky, a German shepherd > guide-dog for the blind, had so far been responsible for the deaths of > all four of his previous owners. "I admit it's not an impressive record > on paper. He led his first owner in front of a bus, and the second off > the end of a pier. He actually pushed his third owner off a railway > platform just as the Cologne to Frankfurt express was approaching and > he walked his fourth owner into heavy traffic, before abandoning him > and running away to safety. But, apart from epileptic fits, he has a > lovely temperament. And guide dogs are difficult to train these days." > > Asked if Lucky's fifth owner would be told about his previous record, > Gerber replied: "No. It would make them nervous, and would make Lucky > nervous. And when Lucky gets nervous he's liable to do something silly." > > Europa Times. October 1993. Reprinted in Private Eye. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Your tax dollars at work This a Bob Greene column, Dec 22, 1993, Austin American Statesman. Greetings. That is the word at the center of the controversy: "Greetings." A telephone opterator at the Sheraton Chicago Hotel and Towers refused to use that word. She went to the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, an agency of the federal government, and said that the hotel was violating her rights by insisting that she say "Greetings." The EEOC decided to sue the hotel on behalf of the woman. And the EEOC won the suit. Oh, it's not being described as a victory - both sides are calling it a settlement. But the hotel has just agreed to pay money to the woman to make up for its terrible mistake - to make up for having the nerve to ask a telephone operator to say "Greetings." The operator is named Ninette Smith. Last winter, the hotel asked all its operators to answer the phones by saying: "Happy holidays, Sheraton Chicago Hotel and Towers." Smith said that saying "Happy holidays" violated her religious beliefs. The hotel was a little puzzled by this; no specific holiday was being singled out, afterall. "'Happy holidays' is a standard greeting not only in the hotel business, but in the retail business," a Sheraton spokeswoman said. But the hotel agreed not to require Smith to say those words. Instead, she was asked to say: "Greetings, Sheraton Chicago Hotel and Towers." Smith contended this, too, was a violation of her rights. She said her religion did not recognize the validity of any holidays. But - you may be thinking - the word "holdiays" was no longer being mentioned. So why was she upset? According to EEOC regional attorney John Hendrickson, the hotel made its mistake by asking Smith to say "Greetings" only during the December holiday season. If Smith had been asked to say "Greetings" all year round, the hotel would be within its rights, he said. But by asking her to say "Greetings" only in December, the hotel was implicitly acknowledging the existence of holidays. So the EEOC, with its taxpayer-funded attorneys, sued the Sheraton, asking for back pay and money damages for Smith (She alleged that the hotel laid her off for five weeks; the hotel said that Smith asked to take the time off.) Last week, U.S. District Judge James Holderman approved a consent decree resolving the lawsuit. The hotel promised that it would never again ask Smith to answer the telephone by saying "Greetings." It also promised to pay her $1,250 in back salary, and $2,500 in compensatory damages - as a way of expressing how sorry the hotel was for what it had done. "The cost of the litigation was going to be too much for us," said Sheraton spokewoman Ellen Butler. She said the government had indicated it would use its full resources to pursue the case in court. Smith - who continues to work at the Sheraton - told us: "I feel justice was served. If someone says someone violated their conscience or their religious beliefs, then the employer should respect that." Which, for an employer, could be extended to mean...what? That, perhaps, a person could take a job as a waiter, then go to the EEOC claiming to be a vegetarian, and have the government sue the restaurant for forcing him to serve meat to customers against his will? At the EEOC, attorney Hendrickson is not at all amused by the criticism of his agency. "Saying 'Greetings' did offend her beliefs," he said. He said the Sheraton should learn a lesson from this: "They need to be sensitive to the rights of their employees." Smith, who does not believe in holidays, gets the punitive damages from the Sheraton. The case is over. But hotel spokeswoman Butler does point an interesting sidelight. All Sheraton employees receive paid holidays - Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc. And Smith, who is so opposed to the concept of holidays? "Yes, she received holiday pay last year," Butler said. "And, yes, she accepted it." From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Make-Up Exams This is from Hal Varian. Introductory Chemistry at Duke University has been taught for about a zillion years by Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately known as "Bonkistry." He has been around forever, so I wouldn't put it past him to come up with something like this. Anyway, one year there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to UVirginia and party with some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor Bonk after the final and explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVa for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus. Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said: (95 points) Which tire? From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Computations This, I understand, is New Keynesian theory. (multiple forwards deleted) (Some of you may not know that "10-250" is one of MIT's main lecture halls. And "2.40" is MIT's introductory thermodynamics course.) ------- Begin Forwarded Message ------- From: Baron Karl Subject: The CP/Donut Heat Engine Feel free to forward this to any 2.40 types you feel might be interested. I'm such a nerd and love it so.... Thursday, there was some conference for campus police officers in 10-250. I made the mistake of walking by this ill-fated room and discovered (quite to my surprise, of course) the largest array of donuts I have ever seen in my life. They had six full-sized folding tables absolutely FILLED with donuts. If we consider 3m^2 of space per table and six tables, that's 18m^2 of space for donuts. A donut on its side is approximately 3cm x 15cm or .0045m^2. This makes 4000 donuts! 10-250 seats a maximum of 300 people, which gives us an incredible 13.3 cream-filled chocolate-glazed confectionaries per police officer! At a conservative 350 calories/donut, that means that each CP consumed 4600 calories at the conference yesterday, which happens to be just about double the entire reccomended caloric intake of a sedentary middle-aged male. Let's model 10-250 as a closed system. Consider it a triangular prism formed by cutting a 5m X 30m x 35m rectangular solid across its diagonal, resulting in an enclosed volume of 2625m^2. Through PV=mRT we find that the mass of air enclosed in this room is m=PV/RT (Rair=287, T=300K, P=10e5 Pa), or 305 kg of air. If 25% of the donuts' energy is converted to heat by the body (the remainder going to the production of fat and the recombination of chemical bonds after digestion), we see that (.25 x 4000 donuts x 350 kcal/donut x 4.16 kJ/kcal) 364000 kJ of energy is released into the room. Now, if we use U=mc(T2-T1), we can find the final temperature of the room. U=364,000 kJ, m= 305 kJ, T1 = 300 K, c(air)= .716 kJ/kg-K The final temperature in the room would end up being 1395 K or 1122 degrees C. This is just about the melting point of copper.... This suggests that 10-250 is NOT a closed system or that less than 25% of the donuts' energy actually gets converted to heat. Now, what exactly is the implication of 364 MJ? It may seem like a lot of energy (and it is) but what exactly is it in terms of power? As the egalitarian's credo tells us, power is more important than work, and the demands of this problem also state that instantaneous output is more important than the integrated function. I think the conference was eight hours long. Instantaneous power outuput is measured in Kilowatts, which is a J/sec. Eight hours is (8 hours x 60 min/hr x 60 sec/min) 28800 sec, giving us a power output of 12.64 kW total. We previously assumed 300 people in the room, or 42 Watts/cop. Thus, each cop is putting out about 2/3 as much heat as a standard incandescent light bulb. This is completely reasonable. I feel as if I have just hit upon some great truth of humanity here, but I'm not sure what it is. In Nerd Hell Karl ------------- ____ This message is not meant as a reflection upon my race, gender, \ _/__ socio-economic background, sexual orientation, nerd status, \X / left-handedness, school attended, or eye color. \/ From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: a collection of math jokes for your files I've edited this somewhat, although as it is easier to leave them in than to take them out, and I'm not always the best predictor of what people will find funny, and the thought police don't defend mathematicians, there are still going to be some losers left. I deleted *most* of the "reduced it to a previously solved problem" jokes. I hadn't known there were so many complex variables jokes. "A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems" -- P. Erdos ------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1. What's the contour integral around Western Europe? Answer: Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe! Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but they are removable! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's purple and commutes? A: An abelian grape. Q: What's yellow, and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice? A: Zorn's Lemon. James Currie [yuch! -ed] ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why did the mathematician name his dog "Cauchy"? A: Because he left a residue at every pole. Q: Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation function, the more expensive it becomes to compute? A: That's the Law of Spline Demand. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Moebius always does it on the same side. Heisenberg might have slept here. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- There was a mad scientist ( a mad ...social... scientist ) who kidnapped three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and locked each of them in seperate cells with plenty of canned food and water but no can opener. A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's cell and found it long empty. The engineer had constructed a can opener from pocket trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to make an explosive, and escaped. The physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids off the tin cans by throwing them against the wall. She was developing a good pitching arm and a new quantum theory. The mathematician had stacked the unopened cans into a surprising solution to the kissing problem; his dessicated corpse was propped calmly against a wall, and this was inscribed on the floor in blood: Theorem: If I can't open these cans, I'll die. Proof: assume the opposite... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Here's a limerick I picked up off the net a few years back - looks better on paper. _ \/3 / __ | 2 || 3_ | z dz x cos( -------) = ln (\/e ) | 9 / 1 Which, of course, translates to: Integral z-squared dz from 1 to the square root of 3 times the cosine of three pi over 9 equals log of the cube root of 'e'. And it's correct, too. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Three men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, "I've got an idea. We can call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices far." So he leans over the basket and yells out, "Helllloooooo! Where are we?" (They hear the echo several times). 15 minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: "Helllloooooo! You're lost!!" One of the men says, "That must have been a mathematician." Puzzled, one of the other men asks, "Why do you say that?" The reply: "For three reasons. (1) he took a long time to answer, (2) he was absolutely correct, and (3) his answer was absolutely useless." [This is normally told about economists. Indeed, when the Canadian finance minister Michael Wilson told this joke to a group of economists, they laughed. The Globe and Mail ran a story about it, under the headline "Economists laugh at Wilson."] (I'm not sure if the following one is a true story or not) The great logician Betrand Russell (or was it A.N. Whitehead?) once claimed that he could prove anything if given that 1+1=1. So one day, some smarty-pants asked him, "Ok. Prove that you're the Pope." He thought for a while and proclaimed, "I am one. The Pope is one. Therefore, the Pope and I are one." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- The ark lands after The Flood. Noah lets all the animals out. Says, "Go and multiply." Several months pass. Noah decides to check up on the animals. All are doing fine except a pair of snakes. "What's the problem?" says Noah. "Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes. Noah follows their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again. Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how the trees helped?" "Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, and we need logs to multiply." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ [Ed note: This comes, roughly, from "On the Nature of Mathematical Proof," a spoof reprinted in "A Stress Analysis of the Strapless Evening Gown" and much funnier than the title article. The bit below doesn't do justice to the original, which was hilarious and proved theorems about Alexander the Great, as well as horses]. Lemma: All horses are the same color. Proof (by induction): Case n=1: In a set with only one horse, it is obvious that all horses in that set are the same color. Case n=k: Suppose you have a set of k+1 horses. Pull one of these horses out of the set, so that you have k horses. Suppose that all of these horses are the same color. Now put back the horse that you took out, and pull out a different one. Suppose that all of the k horses now in the set are the same color. Then the set of k+1 horses are all the same color. We have k true => k+1 true; therefore all horses are the same color. Theorem: All horses have an infinite number of legs. Proof (by intimidation): Everyone would agree that all horses have an even number of legs. It is also well-known that horses have forelegs in front and two legs in back. 4 + 2 = 6 legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a horse to have! Now the only number that is both even and odd is infinity; therefore all horses have an infinite number of legs. However, suppose that there is a horse somewhere that does not have an infinite number of legs. Well, that would be a horse of a different color; and by the Lemma, it doesn't exist. QED ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Several students were asked the following problem: Prove that all odd integers are prime. Well, the first student to try to do this was a math student. Hey says "hmmm... Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, and by induction, we have that all the odd integers are prime." Of course, there are some jeers from some of his friends. The physics student then said, "I'm not sure of the validity of your proof, but I think I'll try to prove it by experiment." He continues, "Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is ... uh, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is prime, 13 is prime... Well, it seems that you're right." The third student to try it was the engineering student, who responded, "Well, actually, I'm not sure of your answer either. Let's see... 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is ..., 9 is ..., well if you approximate, 9 is prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime... Well, it does seem right." Not to be outdone, the computer science student comes along and says "Well, you two sort've got the right idea, but you'd end up taking too long doing it. I've just whipped up a program to REALLY go and prove it..." He goes over to his terminal and runs his program. Reading the output on the screen he says, "1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime...." ------------ Ya' hear about the geometer who went to the beach to catch the rays and became a tangent ? ------------ My geometry teacher was sometimes acute, and sometimes obtuse, but always, he was right. ------------ Q: What quantity is represented by this ? /\ /\ /\ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ /______\ /______\ /______\ || || || || || || A: 9, tree + tree + tree Q: A dust storm blows through, now how much do you have ? A: 99, dirty tree + dirty tree + dirty tree Q: Some birds go flying by and leave their droppings, one per tree, how many is that ? A: 100, dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and a turd ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on a photo-safari in africa. They drive out on the savannah in their jeep, stop and scout the horizon with their binoculars. The biologist : "Look! There's a herd of zebras! And there, in the middle : A white zebra! It's fantastic ! There are white zebra's ! We'll be famous !" The statistician : "It's not significant. We only know there's one white zebra." The mathematician : "Actually, we only know there exists a zebra, which is white on one side." The computer scientist : "Oh, no! A special case!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------- lim 3 = 8 w->oo (It is more obvious when handwritten...) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Asked how his pet parrot died, the mathmatican answered "Polynomial. polygon." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Von Neumann and Nobert Weiner were both the subject of many dotty professor stories. Von Neumann supposedly had the habit of simply writing answers to homework assignments on the board (the method of solution being, of course, obvious) when he was asked how to solve problems. One time one of his students tried to get more helpful information by asking if there was another way to solve the problem. Von Neumann looked blank for a moment, thought, and then answered, "Yes.". Weiner was in fact very absent minded. The following story is told about him: When they moved from Cambridge to Newton his wife, knowing that he would be absolutely useless on the move, packed him off to MIT while she directed the move. Since she was certain that he would forget that they had moved and where they had moved to, she wrote down the new address on a piece of paper, and gave it to him. Naturally, in the course of the day, an insight occurred to him. He reached in his pocket, found a piece of paper on which he furiously scribbled some notes, thought it over, decided there was a fallacy in his idea, and threw the piece of paper away. At the end of the day he went home (to the old address in Cambridge, of course). When he got there he realized that they had moved, that he had no idea where they had moved to, and that the piece of paper with the address was long gone. Fortunately inspiration struck. There was a young girl on the street and he conceived the idea of asking her where he had moved to, saying, "Excuse me, perhaps you know me. I'm Norbert Weiner and we've just moved. Would you know where we've moved to?" To which the young girl replied, "Yes daddy, mommy thought you would forget." The capper to the story is that I asked his daughter (the girl in the story) about the truth of the story, many years later. She said that it wasn't quite true -- that he never forgot who his children were! The rest of it, however, was pretty close to what actually happened... Richard Harter, Computer Corp. of America, Cambridge, MA ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Theorem: a cat has nine tails. Proof: No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat. Therefore, a cat has nine tails. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- The USDA once wanted to make cows produce milk faster, to improve the dairy industry. So, they decided to consult the foremost biologists and recombinant DNA technicians to build them a better cow. They assembled this team of great scientists, and gave them unlimited funding. They requested rare chemicals, weird bacteria, tons of quarantine equipment, there was a God-awful typhus epidemic they started by accident, and, 2 years later, they came back with the "new, improved cow." It had a milk production improvement of 2% over the original. They then tried with the greatest Nobel Prize winning chemists around. They worked for six months, and, after requisitioning tons of chemical equipment, and poisoning half the small town in Colorado where they were working with a toxic cloud from one of their experiments, they got a 5% improvement in milk output. The physicists tried for a year, and, after ten thousand cows were subjected to radiation therapy, they got a 1% improvement in output. Finally, in desperation, they turned to the mathematicians. The foremost mathematician of his time offered to help them with the problem. Upon hearing the problem, he told the delegation that they could come back in the morning and he would have solved the problem. In the morning, they came back, and he handed them a piece of paper with the computations for the new, 300% improved milk cow. The plans began: "A Proof of the Attainability of Increased Milk Output from Bovines: Consider a spherical cow......" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Theorem : All positive integers are equal. Proof : Sufficient to show that for any two positive integers, A and B, A = B. Further, it is sufficient to show that for all N > 0, if A and B (positive integers) satisfy (MAX(A, B) = N) then A = B. Proceed by induction. If N = 1, then A and B, being positive integers, must both be 1. So A = B. Assume that the theorem is true for some value k. Take A and B with MAX(A, B) = k+1. Then MAX((A-1), (B-1)) = k. And hence (A-1) = (B-1). Consequently, A = B. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- During a class of calculus my lecturer suddenly checked himself and stared intently at the table in front of him for a while. Then he looked up at us and explained that he thought he had brought six piles of papers with him, but "no matter how he counted" there was only five on the table. Then he became silent for a while again and then told the following story: "When I was young in Poland I met the great mathematician Waclaw Sierpinski. He was old already then and rather absent-minded. Once he had to move to a new place for some reason. His wife wife didn't trust him very much, so when they stood down on the street with all their things, she said: - Now, you stand here and watch our ten trunks, while I go and get a taxi. She left and left him there, eyes somewhat glazed and humming absently. Some minutes later she returned, presumably having called for a taxi. Says Mr Sierpinski (possibly with a glint in his eye): - I thought you said there were ten trunks, but I've only counted to nine. - No, they're TEN! - No, count them: 0, 1, 2, ..." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- The limit as n goes to infinity of sin(x)/n is 6. Proof: cancel the n in the numerator and denominator. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two male mathematiciens are in a bar. The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math. The first mathematicien goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the waitress. He tells her that in a few minutes, after his friend has returned, he will call her over and ask her a question. All she has to do is answer one third x cubed. She repeats `one thir -- dex cue'? He repeats `one third x cubed'. Her: `one thir dex cuebd'? Yes, that's right, he says. So she agrees, and goes off mumbling to herself, `one thir dex cuebd...'. The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to prove his point, that most people do know something about basic math. He says he will ask the blonde waitress an integral, and the first laughingly agrees. The second man calls over the waitress and asks `what is the integral of x squared?'. The waitress says `one third x cubed' and while walking away, turns back and says over her shoulder `plus a constant'! From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: rejection letters >From a Chinese language economics journal "We have read your manuscript with boundless delight. If we were to publish your paper, it would be impossible for us to publish any work of lower standard. And as it is unthinkable that in the next thousand years we shall see its equal, we are, to our regret, compelled to return your divine composition and to beg you a thousand times to overlook our short sight and timidity." from Chance, vol.6, no. 4, 1993, p. 8 From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: CREATE YOUR OWN SHAKESPEAREAN INSULTS by Jerry Maguire, who teaches English at Center Grove High School in Greenwood, Indiana. Combine one word from each of the three columns below, preface with "Thou" and thus shalt thou have the perfect insult. Let thyself go--mix and match to find a barb worthy of the Bard! Column 1 Column 2 Column 3 artless base-court apple-john bawdy bat-fowling baggage beslubbering beef-witted barnacle bootless beetle-headed bladder churlish boil-brained boar-pig cockered clapper-clawed bugbear clouted clay-brained bum-bailey craven common-kissing canker-blossom currish crook-pated clack-dish dankish dismal-dreaming clotpole dissembling dizzy-eyed coxcomb droning doghearted codpiece errant dread-bolted death-token fawning earth-vexing dewberry fobbing elf-skinned flap-dragon froward fat-kidneyed flax-wench frothy fen-sucked flirt-gill gleeking flap-mouthed foot-licker goatish fly-bitten fustilarian gorbellied folly-fallen giglet impertinent fool-born gudgeon infectious full-gorged haggard jarring guts-griping harpy loggerheaded half-faced hedge-pig lumpish hasty-witted horn-beast mammering hedge-born hugger-mugger mangled hell-hated jolthead mewling idle-headed lewdster paunchy ill-breeding lout pribbling ill-nurtured maggot-pie puking knotty-pated malt-worm puny milk-livered mammet quailing motley-minded measle rank onion-eyed minnow reeky plume-plucked miscreant roguish pottle-deep moldwarp ruttish pox-marked mumble-news saucy reeling-ripe nut-hook spleeny rough-hewn pigeon-egg spongy rude-growing pignut surly rump-fed puttock tottering shard-borne pumpion unmuzzled sheep-biting ratsbane vain spur-galled scut venomed swag-bellied skainsmate villainous tardy-gaited strumpet warped tickle-brained varlot wayward toad-spotted vassal weedy unchin-snouted whey-face yeasty weather-bitten wagtail ------------------------------------------------------------------- From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Stupid Comments I know most of you see messages from me and react with fear and loathing. Well, the news is bad: someone gave me a copy of "The 776 stupidest things ever said." Here is the first installment. Things are more like they are now than they have ever been. -Gerald Ford This is an excerpt from the Lancashire Social Services Department, explaining why Harry and Esther Hough were not qualified to adopt a child: It would seem from the interviews and reports that both of you have had few, if any, negative experiences when you were children yourselves, and also seem to enjoy a marital experience where rows and arguments have no place. Under the circumstances, adopted children would not have sufficient exposure to negative experiences. The letter goes on to say that the couple "exuded excessive harmony." Bruce Sutter has been around for a while and he's pretty old. He's thirty-five years old. That will give some idea how old he is. -Ron Fairly, S.F. Giants broadcaster Wherever I have gone in this country, I have found Americans. -Alf Landon Where fraternities are not allowed, communism flourishes. -Barry Goldwater In every country the Communists have taken over, the first thing they do is outlaw cockfighting. -John Monks, Oklahoma state representative That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it. -an unidentified Texas congressional candidate, quoted by Mass state senator John Parker Your medical insurance is cancelled beginning 9/24/84 because of your death. -letter from the Iowa Dept. of Human Services This is a great day for France. -Richard Nixon, while attending Charles de Gaulle's funeral [not so clear that was stupid, exactly] This is the worst disaster in California since I was elected. -CA governor Pat Brown, discussing a flood. Now, like, I'm President. It would be pretty hard for some drug guy to come into the white house and start offering it up, you know? I bet if they did, I hope I would say, "Hey, get lost. We don't want any of that." -President George Bush, talking to a group of students. There may be a recession in stock prices, but not anything in the nature of a crash. -Irving Fisher, six weeks before the 1929 crash. Stock prices have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau. -Irving Fisher, nine days before the crash. If English was good enough for Jesus Christ, it's good enough for me. -an unidentified US congressman The similarities between me and my father are different. -Dale Berra [yes, Yogi's son] The new Irish flag would be Orange and Green, and would in the future be known as the Irish tricolor. -Smith O'Brien (Irish revolutionary) The Baltimore Colts are a bright young team. It seems as if they have their future ahead of them. -Curt Gowdy If we maintain our faith in God, our love of freedom, and superior global air power, I think we can look to the future with confidence. -General Curtis LeMay The town of Albany contains 500 dwelling houses and 2400 inhabitants, all standing with their gable ends to the street -Morse's Geography (the premier geography text in the US during the last century) Light pranks add zest to your services, but don't pull the customer's ears. -Japanese Tourist Industry Board's Rules for Hotel Chambermaids, 1936 You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid. -from a guest directory at a Japanese hotel, 1991 No unmet needs exist and ... current unmet needs that are being met will continue to be met. -Transportation Commission on Unmet Needs, Mariposa CA Tenses, Gender, and Number: For the purpose of the rules and regulations contained in this chapter, the present tense includes the past and future tenses, and the future, the present; the masculine gender includes the feminine, and the feminine, the masculine, and the singular includes the plural, and the plural, the singular. -revised 1973 state code, Department of Consumer Affairs, CA Warning: never use while sleeping -warning with a hairdryer, cited by US News & World Report This is an exchange between Dan Rostenkowski and William Dickinson in the house of representatives: R: Title IX of the recorded bill is now title X. D: So there is no title IX. There is a title X and we have reopened title VIII, if I am correct. R: A new title IX was inserted by amendment, so there is now a title IX and a title X. D: There is a title VIII, there is a title IX, there is a title X, is that correct? R: Title X is the last title in the bill. D: So an amendment to either title VIII or title IX or title X would be in order at this time? R: Not title IX. Just title VIII and title X are open to amendment. D: Well, I had an amendment that I would like to offer. I thought it was to title IX if there is a title IX. R: If the gentleman's amendment was drafted to title IX, it will be in order to title X. D: Mr. Chairman, I have an amendment at the desk which I would like to offer to title VIII. -reported in the Washington Monthly, 1982. You hear about constitutional rights, free speech, and the free press. Every time I hear these words, I say to myself "That man is a communist." You never hear a real American talk like that. -Jersey City Mayor Frank Hague, 1938 India is the finest climate under the sun; but a lot of young fellows come out here, they drink and they eat, and they drink and they die: and then they write home to their parents a pack of lies, and say it's the climate that killed them. -Sir Colin Campbell, British War Department If a person is innocent of a crime, then he is not a suspect. -Edwin Meese to the American Bar Association The President is aware of what is going on. That's not to say there is something going on. -Ron Ziegler, press secretary to Nixon If Lincoln were alive today, he'd roll over in his grave. -Gerald Ford Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. -Brooke Shields I love California. I grew up in Phoenix. -Dan Qualye enough for now. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: People with time on their hands If you haven't seen this, it's worth reading. I can't attest to its veracity, but it's invariably alleged to be accurate. > Attached is some correspondence which actually occurred between a > London hotel's staff and one of its guests. The London hotel > involved submitted this to the Sunday Times. No name was mentioned. > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > Dear Maid, > Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my > bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove > the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest > and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. > Thank you, > S. Berman > > - - > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > Dear Room 635, > I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, > from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower > soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out > of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you > should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left > today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 > soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory. Kathy, Relief Maid > > - - > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid. > Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the > little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found > you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. > I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my > own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on > the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. > Please remove them. > S. Berman > > - - > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > Dear Mr. Berman, > My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps > which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps > which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish > where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for > your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps > which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new > check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in > last Monday. Please let me know if I can of further assistance. > Your regular maid, Dotty > > - - > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > Dear Mr. Berman, > The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you > called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid > service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will > accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any > future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal > attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you. > Elaine Carmen > Housekeeper > > - - > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > Dear Miss Carmen, > It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for > business at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM. That's the > reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. > I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little > bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a > new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my > medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the > bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little > bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me? > S. Berman > > - - >----------------------------------------------------------------------- > > Dear Mr. Berman, > Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your > room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, > please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you, > Elaine Carmen, > Housekeeper > > - - > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > Dear Mr. Kensedder, > My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my > room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and > had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets. > S. Berman > > - - > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > Dear Mr. Berman, > I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap > problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room > since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time > they service a room. The situation will be rectified > immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience. > Martin L. Kensedder Assistant Manager > > - - > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > Dear Mrs. Carmen, > Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last > night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little > bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you > realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath > size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial. S. Berman > > - - > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > Dear Mr. Berman, > You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them > removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your > soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays > which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive > daily (sic). I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere > Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had > returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 > daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel > issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory > which I left in your room. Elaine Carmen Housekeeper > > - - > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > Dear Mrs. Carmen, > Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap > inventory. As of today I possess: > > - - - -- On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 > and 1 stack of 2. > - - - -- On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3. > - - - -- On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 > hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4. > - - - -- Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of > 2. > - - - -- In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist. > - - - -- On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used. > - - - -- On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3. > > Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the > stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that > stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that > my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent > spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased > another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel > vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings. S. Berman From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Bobbitts From the Believe it or Not Internet file...I did check that Southern Agriculture, Inc of Tulsa actually exists. Moreover, there is an S. Cudek in Tulsa. I have not succeeded in getting either to answer their phones, however. I know this sounds like I have too much time on my hands, but it's either do this, in the interest of Science, or read another AER submission... -Preston You've got a new dog and you need some new chews. But you want something with stamina that can endure your pooch's constant gnawing. According to one Tulsa animal store, what you need is a naturally occurring body part -- recently referred to as a "bobbitt". A bull's dried bobbitt is a the hottest-selling item made especially for these furry friends. Thanks to the highly publicized trial of Lorena Bobbitt, who was acquitted by reason of insanity in the removal of her husband's penis with a knife, "I don't have to use the word penis anymore," said Sam Cudek, manager of Southern Agriculture Inc. Cudek said she believes Southern Agriculture was the first store in Tulsa to introduce the beef sticks as dog chews 2 1/2 years ago. "The dogs just love them," she said. Now, just about every animal store has them, she said. But she doesn't know whether any of her competitors are taking advantage of the "bobbitt" name. The name seems so appropriate considering what the beef stick is and the way it is made," she said. "It's a bull's penis. They stretch it and then dry it before whacking it off into appropriate sizes." The organ is removed during the slaughtering process. Bobbitt isn't the brand name for the beef stick, but Cudek has been using the name to explain what the item is ever since the Bobbitt incident made headlines. "It's perfect. It's an immediate product identifier," she said. "I can't bear to tell the customer that the beef stick is a penis. So instead, I say it's a bobbitt and everyone knows exactly what I mean. "It's funny to watch the reactions. The men all cringe and the women all giggle as they adjust their grip on the stick," she said. What makes the bobbitt the ideal chew for dogs is its longevity, "a trait most men long for," she said. The beef sticks are about a foot long and cost $2.95 each. They contain 85 percent usable protein and last nearly three times as long as the rawhide chews, she said. It's the best item for teething purposes, she added. But the main reason it's the prime chew is that it's not processed or basted like most rawhide chews, which many dogs are allergic to. It also doesn't break down into strips like the rawhide does, causing blocking in some animals, she said. ------- End of Forwarded Message Update on the dog chews: we have coorboration of this story from an alert reader, whose identity I am concealing for obvious reasons. ---------- Forwarded message ---------- > BUT THE REALLY FUNNY THING is the message you sent about dog chews. This > is what my friend in ########## does for a living, partially. He > makes these things--pissels, they are called. I've seen them. I've > participated in the disgusting processing of them. They are about 3 feet > long, have lots of fat and gunk about them and have to be scraped off > before they can be put into the washer. Then they are dried in a large > room-sized dryer and cut into sections. He also does cow hooves and ears, > and pig ears. You've got to get the hair off the ears (which is used > later for paint brushes). It is the filthiest thing you've ever seen, and > god, the stench. Anyway, the big money right now has shifted from ears to > bull dicks. He can't get enough to meet demand. One dick which costs > about 9 cents, turns into 3 chews, which wholesale for about $1.50. Labor > is cheap and minimal. Is this fascinating or what? Personally, I see my next micro principles lecture will be about market pressure in the bobbitt market. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Cookies For your bemusement: Begin forwarded message: Originator: femecon-l@bucknell.edu From: Susan Dobscha X-Comment: Feminist Economists Discussion Group ----------------------------Original message---------------------------- This has nothing to do with women being better cookie bakers, I just thought we could help get even with at least one "institution"! Have fun! Susan Dobscha =========================================================================== My daughter & I had just finished a salad at Neiman-Marcus Cafe in Dallas & decided to have a small dessert. Because our family are such cookie lovers, we decided to try the "Neiman-Marcus Cookie". It was so excellent that I asked if they would give me the recipe and they said with a small frown, "I'm afraid not." Well, I said, would you let me buy the recipe? With a cute smile, she said, "Yes." I asked how much, and she responded, "Two fifty." I said with approval, just add it to my tab. Thirty days later, I received my VISA statement from Neiman-Marcus and it was $285.00. I looked again and I remembered I had only spent $9.95 for two salads and about $20.00 for a scarf. As I glanced at the bottom of the statement, it said, "Cookie Recipe - $250.00." Boy, was I upset!! I called Neiman's Accounting Dept. and told them the waitress said it was "two fifty," and I did not realize she meant $250.00 for a cookie recipe. I asked them to take back the recipe and reduce my bill and they said they were sorry, but because all the recipes were this expensive so not just everyone could duplicate any of our bakery recipes....the bill would stand. I waited, thinking of how I could get even or even try and get any of my money back. I just said, "Okay, you folks got my $250.00 and now I'm going to have $250.00 worth of fun." I told her that I was going to see to it that every cookie lover will have a $250.00 cookie recipe from Neiman-Marcus for nothing. She replied, "I wish you wouldn't do this." I said, "I'm sorry but this is the only way I feel I could get even," and I will. So, here it is, and please pass it to someone else or run a few copies....I paid for it; now you can have it for free. (Recipe may be halved.): 2 cups butter 4 cups flower 2 tsp. soda 2 cups sugar 5 cups blended oatmeal** 24 oz. chocolate chips 2 cups brown sugar 1 tsp. salt 1 8 oz. Hershey Bar (grated) 4 eggs 2 tsp. baking powder 3 cups chopped nuts 2 tsp. vanilla (your choice) Cream the butter and both sugars. Add eggs and vanilla; mix together with flour, oatmeal, salt, baking powder, and soda. Add chocolate chips, Hershey Bar and nuts. Roll into balls and place two inches apart on a cookie sheet. Bake for 10 minutes at 375 degrees. Makes 112 cookies. ** measure oatmeal and blend in a blender to a fine powder. Have fun!!! This is not a joke --- this is a true story.. ************************************************************ That's it. Please, pass it along to everyone you know, single people, mailing lists, etc..... --------------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: Half-baked cookies THE COOKIE CAPER by R. Preston McAfee Acting on information provided by alert recipient Michael Williams, this reporter phoned Neiman-Marcus in Dallas, which claims to have never sold a cookie recipe, much less sold a recipe for $250.00. The tale is as sleazy as expert testimony. Dobscha's story is as accurate as Arthur Laffer's vita. The story of how this fraud was brought to light, by a reporter as unbiased as a Tobacco Institute study and as serious as the Western Economic Association, is a fascinating drama, signifying as much as an advertisement for a new edition of a principles text. Williams, hoping to get to try a $250 cookie, brought the recipe home to his wife, Sheila. Sheila said that the $250 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe is an urban myth, like the alligators in the New York sewers, cats dried in the microwave, and good microeconomics papers in the JPE. Williams, knowing that my interest in empirical research is as profound as an Economics Letters paper, promptly phoned me. I called information and received the number of the downtown Dallas Neiman-Marcus store, which is (214) 741-6911. I called N-M. This is what I heard [I'm not making this up]: This is Francie. I'll be out of the office until March 28, so please leave a message on my voice mail. Thank you. Francie spoke in a drawl as thick as an experimental economist's manuscript, but much more comprehensible. I contacted Southwestern Bell's Dallas operator, who verified that I had the main number for the downtown Neiman-Marcus. I called again, to insure that I hadn't misdialed, and got Francie again. I didn't leave a message. The number was as phony as a trade theory proof. I again called Southwestern Bell, and established that N-M has a store in a Dallas suburb named Prestonwood. This sounded as promising as a REStud revise and resubmit, but I called them anyway. Surprisingly, the phone was answered by an operator saying "Neiman-Marcus," in a voice so husky, it could have pulled a dogsled. I could tell my luck had turned. I explained the situation. "I've heard about that," the operator barked, "but I don't think we sell recipes. Let me transfer you to Epicure." She put me on hold for a while. Godot arrived, got bored, and left again. The Roman Empire was built, then fell. I received a response from the QJE. The name Epicure was as obscure to me as a Prescott seminar. But I spoke with a pleasant woman, one Amy Lerks, who assured me that Neiman-Marcus was as likely to sell cookie recipes as J Math Ec is to publish intuitive ideas. "We do sell cookbooks, is that what you're after?" she inquired. I asked what the most expensive cookbook they sell costs. "About $45," she informed me, "but it's of coffee-table quality." I had no idea they made cookbooks that large. At $45, it's a steal, but kind of unwieldy in the kitchen. Amy promised to check with the suppliers to find out if N-M has ever sold recipes, and to call me Wednesday. Meanwhile, I re-examined the original email. The originator of the story, a Susan Dobscha, had no identified address. However, it appeared that her message came from Bucknell University, which turns out to be in Lewisburg, PA, area code 717. A call to the phone company revealed that no Susan Dobscha lives within a Burke neighborhood of Lewisburg. [editor's note: a Burke neighborhood is named after a now infamous incident in which UT Professor Jon Burke was invited to a conference in Spain. He combined the trip with a vacation for his family, so arrived in Spain with his wife and three children, only to find out he had arrived on the correct day one year early. Ever since, a Burke neighborhood has represented an area larger than Sandy Grossman's ego.] I sent Susan Dobscha an email, asking her to fax a copy of her credit card receipt, and insinuating that I was Mike Wallace from 60 minutes. I was as convincing as a psychological explanation. Meanwhile, I logged into the Michigan gopher, hoping to track down the email address vtvm1.cc.vt.edu, where Susan Dobscha allegedly resided. The gopher system is as simple as an IER paper. After several hours, I decided the gopher was as useful as an existence theorem. Meanwhile, emails to a colleague and to Hal Varian, the person who sent me the Dobscha recipe, produced the result that vt was Virginia Tech. This makes as much sense as the statistics in a medical study. Since the name of the university is Virginia Polytechnical Institute and State University and Exceedingly Boring Place to Reside, one might have hoped for a more sensible appellation like VPI, but that's like expecting lawyers to write in english. It turns out that email addresses are available from the gopher for VPI, so I asked for a listing on Dobscha. The list came up as empty as a MBA's head. Feeling that I'd accomplished as much as a federal bureaucrat, I called it a night. I woke up as optimistic as an entering graduate student. The phone company had numbers for a Susan M. Dobscha in Blacksburg and for the economics department at VPI. My call to the econ department was as useful as a referee's report: no Susan Dobscha was in the department. However, a Susan Dobscha is a graduate student in the marketing department. Hmm. As they say at Caltech, the Plott thickens. I left a message. Soon after, I received an email from Dobscha. "I was not the originator of the by a long shot" this missive asserted, as free of errors as a JET galley, "and since I mailed it out have found out that this scenario is exactly as you said - contemporary urban legend. So, no need to worry - I wasn't duped." Dobscha may not have been duped, but what about the millions of internet users, baking away? Displaying all the morals of an attorney, Dobscha felt no obligation to correct the error she propagated, which shows that a marketing education has some effect. She has a promising future as a spokeswoman for Philip Morris. So the recipe, alas, joins the ranks of the spider eggs in BubbleYum, the worms in McDonald's hamburgers, and the Journal of Economic Perspectives as one of the greatest frauds perpetrated on an unsuspecting audience. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Rats A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs. "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it." "You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat." The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. "Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner. "No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer." From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: The thirty schools in the top twenty This is from the Keynotes of Interest for the Week, Board of Governors of the Federal Reserve System, Office of the Secretary, Sept 28-Oct 2, 1987. Since our seven member board has six members, we probably couldn't complain, but we smelled a rat Monday morning when, in conjunction with the 42nd annual meeting of the World Bank and the IMF, 148 people showed up here for a meeting of the Group of 30. They explained that the Group of 30 truly includes 30 international banking figures, and the supernumeraires were their guests plus the odd -- not to put too fine a point on it -- groupie. The Group of Ten, however, is a group of eleven industrial democracies, and the Group of 77 at last count was a group of 125 developing nations. The Groups of Five and Twenty-Four have their advertised complement, and the Group of Seven often does [for a while, Switzerland was permitted to attend the morning and luncheon, but not the afternoon, meetings of the Group of Seven, at which time it was called the Group of 7 and 2/3]. The Group of 19 seems to be a group of 16 international scientific organizations. Glad we could clear that up for you. Please don't email me about the number of schools in the Big Ten, Pac Ten, or California Schools in the Big East. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: FOREIGNERS, ESPECIALLY SCOTS, BEHIND IN TOILETS by Dave Barry When we try to name the one thing that makes America great, we are forced to conclude that the answer is "quality of life," defined as "working toilets." We are blessed with the finest toilet system in the world. When we go to a public place, such as a shopping mall or restaurant, we know that we will find public restrooms meeting all the standards of the Federal Interstate Commode Quality Act, including the following: * Modern soap and paper-towel dispensers designed to conserve our planet's precious resources by always being out of soap and paper towels. * Bad words that have been written on the walls by irresponsible, reprehensible, antisocial, degenerate perverts who can be pretty funny. * A sign that says "EMPLOYEES MUST WASH HANDS BEFFORE LEAVING RESTROOMS AND ALSO FOR GOD'S SAKE PLEASE STOP SPITTING INTO THE ENTREES." * A person who has been in a stall for at least two days making noises like walruses mating. Also, sometimes, if prankish youngsters have not stolen it or attempted to flush a rental security guard down it, there will be a TOILET THAT ACTUALLY WORKS. This is not the case elsewhere in the world. Ask anybody who travels a lot. In foreign countries, you constantly find yourself in scary situations involving plumbing that was built thousands of years ago by the Etruscans, who chose to become extinct rather than try to use it. These facilities are often guarded by very short, very wide, very hostile women who watch you like a hawk and expect you to tip them for tending the mold colonies and making sure the toilet paper is rigid enough to slice luncheon meat. Perhaps you belive I am overstating the scariness of foreign toilets. Well, perhaps you should dig out your December 1993 issue of the Scottish Medical Journal, a copy of which was sent to me by alert research scientist Elliot Cowan. On page 185, you will find an article entitled "THE COLLAPSE OF TOILETS IN GLASGOW." This article, which I am not making up, describes three cases wherin people were injured "whilst sitting on toilets which unexpectedly collapsed." All three patients had to receive hospital treatment for wounds in the buttocks region. (The buttocks region is located just west of Edinburgh.) The article describes the collapsing-toilet incidents in clinical scientific terminology, which contrasts nicely with a close-up, full-face photograph, suitable for framing, of a hairy and hefty victim's naked wounded butt, mooning out of the page at you, causing you to think, for reasons that you cannot quite explain, of Pat Buchanan. "The cause (of the toilet collapses) remains unclear," states the Scottish medical Journal, "except that all the toilets were believed to be very old." (The article does not come right out and use the term "Etruscan," but we can read between the lines.) So my advice is: If you must go to a foreign country, go to the bathroom before you leave. Although I personally would stay right here in the United States, because we could be on the verge of a major scientific breakthrough in the form of -- get ready -- a MICROWAVE TOILET. I have here the May 26, 1993, issue of the Bloomsburg, Pa., Press-Enterprise, sent in by alert reader David Hill; right on the front page is a story, written by Ellen Condron, about a man named George Welliver, who is hoping to manufacture a toilet that would use microwaves to convert waste to ashes, thereby saving water. The article is accompanied by a stunningly artistic color photograph, taken with the camera tilted at an arty angle, showing Mr. Welliver sitting (fully dressed) on his bathroom commode, holding a microwave oven in his lap. I have been to some of the world's finest museums, and I can honestly say that I have never seen a work of art, photographic or otherwise, that more clearly expresses the classic dual themes of "microwave oven" and "toilet." The article quotes Welliver as saying that he originally considered a LASER toilet, but decided against it. I think this was a wise decision. I'm sure I speak on behalf of guys everywhere when I say that I would not want to get any closer than about fifty feet from a laser-powered toilet, so accuracy would be a real problem. But I think the microwave toilet is great idea. In fact, I can foresee a day in the not-so-distant future when there would be one multipurpose microwave device in your home, which would automatically, at a pre-set time, load a frozen burrito into itself, heat it up to serving temperature, then swith over to Toilet Mode, incinerate the burrito, and whisk the ashes away without any human involvement whatsoever. That is the wonderful thing about this great country: The quality of life is constantly improving in ways that we cannot begin to comprehend without massive doses of Prozac, with each generation producing something new and amazing. And then forgetting to flush. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Lawyers When we last looked in on attorneys, there was a house with a javelina in it, and a corpse in a coffin that didn't say anything, much to the relief of the coroner. Here's more, thanks to Hal Varian. > ********************************************** > Most language is spoken language, and most words, once they are > uttered, vanish forever into the air. But such is not the case > with language spoken during courtroom trials, for there exists > an army of courtroom reporters whose job it is to take down and > preserve every statement made during the proceedings. > > Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the National Shorthand > Reporter has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers > in two books - Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court, > published a few months ago. From Mrs. Gilman's two volumes, here are > some of my favorite transquips, all recorded by America's keepers of > the word: > ******************************* > Q. What is your brother-in-law's name? > A. Borofkin. > Q. What's his first name? > A. I can't remember. > Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't > remember his first name? > A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness > chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, > tell them your first name! > ******************************* > Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York? > A. I refuse to answer that question. > Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago? > A. I refuse to answer that question. > Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami? > A. No. > ******************************* > Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? > A. By death. > Q. And by whose death was it terminated? > ******************************* > Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods? > A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region. > ******************************* > Q. What is your name? > A. Ernestine McDowell. > Q. And what is your marital status? > A. Fair. > ******************************* > Q. Are you married? > A. No, I'm divorced. > Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him? > A. A lot of things I didn't know about. > ******************************* > Q. And who is this person you are speaking of? > A. My ex-widow said it. > ******************************* > Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney? > A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children > by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good. > ******************************* > Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now? > A. I will be three months November 8th. > Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th? > A. Yes. > Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time? > ******************************* > Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable? > A. I should be. > Q. How many times have you comitted suicide? > A. Four times. > ******************************* > Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed on dead people? > A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people. > ******************************* > Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased? > A. Yes, sir. > Q. Before or after he died? > ******************************* > Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under > the influence? > A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate > his words. > ******************************* > Q. What happened then? > A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can > identify me." > Q. Did he kill you? > A. No. > ******************************* > Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a > deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? > A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work. > ******************************* > THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present > information and prejudice from your minds, if you have > any. > ******************************* > Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears? > A. No. > Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears? > A. Picking them up in the air. > Q. Where was the dog at this time? > A. Attached to the ears. > ******************************* > Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and > were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on > her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning > you and she, with him to the station? > MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot. > ******************************* > Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? > What school do you go to? > A. Oral. > Q. How old are you? > A. Oral. > ******************************* > Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff? > A: She is my daughter. > Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979? > ******************************* > Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where > there was a victim? > ******************************* > Q: ...and what did he do then? > A: He came home, and next morning he was dead. > Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead? > ******************************* > Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you > indignities? > A: He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the > furniture. > ******************************* > Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did > you observe with respect to your scalp? > A: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital. > Q: It was covered? > A: Yes, bandaged. > Q: Then, later on.. what did you see? > A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed > and put on top of my head. > ******************************* > Q: Could you see him from where you were standing? > A: I could see his head. > Q: And where was his head? > A: Just above his shoulders. > ******************************* > Q: What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of > this defendant? > A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that > sonofabitch- and she did! > ******************************* > Q: Do you drink when you're on duty? > A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk. > ******************************* > Q: ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a > murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial? > A: The victim lived. > ******************************* > Q: Are you sexually active? > A: No, I just lie there. > ******************************* > Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? > A: Yes, I have been since early childhood. > ******************************* > Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, > objective witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas? > A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval. > ******************************* > Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present? > A: It indicates intercourse. > Q: Male sperm? > A. That is the only kind I know. > ******************************* > Q: (Showing man picture.) That's you? > A: Yes, sir. > Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right? > ******************************* > Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child? > A: I have only one, you know. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Expert Witnesses I'm at least 95% certain that these are actual quotes from a deposition and a trial, respectively. The answers come from two different economists. Q. Okay. What to you mean by "market"? A. I think you define a market for a particular commodity such as natural gas by going to an area large enough that you can find enough transactions to constitute a market. One transaction is not a market. In other words, you need to look at a number of transactions. There's no magic number, but you need, certainly need transactions before you can determine what's happening in that market. So you have to go to an area large enough which assesses to the same buyers if you will and get enough transactions. Then you have a market area. ----------------------------------------------------------- Q. Do you know what a "confidence interval" is? A. I'm reasonably certain that I don't. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: The Funny Times Thanks to Bob Parks. Rot off the Press by Richard Lederer (published in "The Funny Times") Americans are great newspaper readers. Four out of five adults read the newspaper regularly, and nearly ninety percent of American homes have newspapers in them. This vast readership keeps about 10,000 weeklies and 1,700 daily papers in business. News stories have short lives. A story is born when something happens and dies when the newspaper gels old - usually in less than a day. Sometimes, though, under the press of constant press deadlines, a reporter or editor will goof, and apart of a story will live on beyond its time-in a collection of anguished English: o This evening's meeting of the Clairvoyance Society has been canceled due to unforeseen circumstances. o Bush, himself a former director of the CIA, said Gates would not routinely attend Cabinet meetings but would take part in sessions where intelligence was necessary for making decisions. o Elias and other researchers say they believe that aspartame can do more damage over a long period of time than federal health officials. o The Women's Club met Tuesday at the home of Mrs. Layton. Mrs. Knight gave a review of the book Naked Came I, after which Mrs. Farwell gave a demonstration. o This is the time of year when all the policemen and firemen hold their balls. o By then, she will have shed 80 of the 240 pounds she weighed in with when she entered the Peter Bent Brigham hospital obesity program. A third of her left behind! o Inflation and spending cuts have forced the rewriting of a fairy tale. Because of cash restrictions imposed by Wolverhampton Council, the Open Air Theatre Company has lost some of its members and will stage "Snow White and the Two Dwarfs." o We want to wish all our Jewish friends a happy Yom Kippur. o He then gave up cricket for a missionary position in Rhodesia. o An antique mirror was stolen from the home of Mr. and Mrs. Buddy Shavers of Worcester Thursday evening. Police are looking into it. o Dr. Krieger is married. His wife, Vanessa, is a Special Education. o Brian Porter, embezzler, endorsed checks for $90,299.77 last year. For nine months he played the daily double, sipped dry martinis, dallied with expensive prostitutes, flew first class from city to city, and spent the rest foolishly. o The macadamia was named for Dr. John MacAdam, an enthusiastic scientist who promoted the nut in its native Australia, and was dubbed "the perfect nut" by Luther Burbank. o President Nixon today proclaimed May 'Older Americans Month." In a second proclamation, Nixon also designated May as "National Arthritis Month." o According to officials, it took the clever plan of assistant chief Robert Clark to flee the men. Clark hooked up a wench to a pickup truck, then hoisted the men to freedom. o CARD OF THANKS. On behalf of Barbara Rutledge and her family, our sincere thanks go out to those sending flowers, cards and contributing to the death of her husband. o The candidate looked younger than his 39 years, full of energy, and his sandy hair, stylishly cut and blow-dried, danced as he moved his 6 feet around the stage. o Dear Sir: I am a married woman, and I am fed up with being stuck at home. I wondered if you could help me a I am thinking of starting to breed with my poodle. o Police officer Avery Williamson relied on intuitive judgment when he exposed himself to an armed suspect who had abducted two children. The gamble paid off when the man surrendered. o With the exception of victimless crimes (which need not concern us here), every single crime committed in this nation of ours involves a victim. o Chairman Billings asked Board members to muster support from parent- teacher groups to support the governor's task force on drinking while intoxicated. o He hasn't even had his day in court yet, but Simon Wynne has been kicked off the ESU basketball team after being arrested and accused of driving a parked car while intoxicated. o Montreal police don't hesitate to use whatever laws, regulations, or persuasion they feel they need to control morality in the city and prevent it from getting a foothold in any one part of the city. o A college friendship that began a year ago ended in matrimony yesterday. o The ladies bathroom is manned at all times. o Smith smashed a towering shot that hit a popcorn vendor on the fly. o "Sieves will be a great insurance policy for us," said the White Sox manager, Al Lopez. "He can spell Ted Kluszewski at first base." o Irving Rothstein is a Washington writer who specializes in manufacturing issues. o Two of Indiana's five former living governors don't think much of the state's lottery. o Colorado's wildlife officers are investigating the second death of a bull moose. o We have made the commitment to our readers to minimize "jumps," those stories that continue from one page to another. Readers have told newspapers loud and often that they do not like such "jumps," and most stories will fit on the page they begin. - See CHANGE, page A-2 o Letter to advice columnist Dorothy Du: My husband keeps telling me to go to Hell. Have I a legal right to take the children? o Heard on a New Hampshire radio station: A group of pornographic publishers has been arrested in Fellows Balls, Vermont. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: One liner Q: What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked politician? A: Chelsea From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Camping in the Black Forest Apropos your impending departure for Germany, this caveat from a sign in a Black Forest campground: "It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose." From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Loony Laws These are from the book "Loony Laws" by Robert Pelton (Walker Press). They are all stated as true, and on the books as of 1990. * In Ottumwa, Iowa, "It is unlawful for any male person, within the corporate limits [of the city], to wink at any female person with whom he is unacquainted." * In Los Angeles, it is unlawful to bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time. * In Zion, IL, it is illegal to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats or other domesticated animals kept as pets. * In Carmel, NY, a man can't go outside wearing pants and a jacket that don't match. * In Gary, IN, persons are prohibited from attending a movie house or theater and from riding a public streetcar within four hours of eating garlic. * In Miami, it is illegal for men to wear a strapless gown. * In Hartford, CT, it's illegal to cross a street while walking on your hands. * In Baltimore, it's illegal to take a lion to the movies. * In Nicholas County, W.Va., no member of the clergy is allowed to tell humorous stories or jokes from the pulpit during a church service. [This is clearly an unconstitutional law.] * In California, animals are barred from mating within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school or place of worship. *In Pennsylvania, "any motorist driving along a country road at night must stop every mile and send up a rocket signal, wait ten minutes for the road to be cleared of livestock and then continue." * In Carrizozo, N.M., it's forbidden for a woman to appear in public with face or legs unshaven." California Assemblyman Richard Floyd, D-Carmel, initiated a contest to find California's stupidest law. Among those discovered: * A 1972 law banning blowguns * a statute prohibiting sky divers from consuming alcohol * An 1870 law prohibiting the use of false whiskers From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Moving As I'm moving in a couple of months, I've started to get a little anxious, because my house is packed with stuff to the approximate density of a neutron star. I don't think I purchased all this stuff, but instead sucked much of central Texas into my closets, drawers and cabinets by gravitational attraction. I thought it would be a good idea to make some space in the garage to store some of this stuff, and attempted to rearrange the approximately fourteen million board feet of lumber, which amounts to Oregon's annual timber production, that was left over from the time I tried to build steps to my deck. Hidden between boxes of electrical gizmos marked NASA and a Mitchell B-25 bomber aircraft, I found all manner of things I don't recall purchasing, such as a mounted moose head (but I did live in Canada and may have been given it upon entry), the shroud of Turin, and the Home SDI Laser Perimeter Defense Kit (but I might have purchased this in my running battle to keep deer from eating my plants, before I realized it is a hell of a lot easier to shoot down missles than to prevent deer from eating new plants). The good thing about moving, for me, is the useful stuff I find that I forgot I owned. In order to not run out of computer disks or Uniball Micro pens, I have, over the years, acquired about 1000 of each, which are scattered around the house, still in their original cartons of ten or twelve, in places that seemed logical at the time but guarantee that the next time I can't find a disk, I'll search for hours and finally go buy fifty so that I'll *never* run out again. These are being placed carefully into a box in the attic, marked in large letters DISKS & PENS, so that the next time I run out, I only have to log into internet and ask you where I put them. One problem with owning a home is having the space to keep things like broken VCRs still in the original carton and made in Canada anyway so that no one could fix it even if they wanted to, bicycles without seats or chains, old ugly luggage, and paperback novels I didn't like the first time. Any construction job generates more scrap than constructions. However, the first time you throw away any of it, or burn it in the fireplace, you will find that you need *exactly* that piece you disposed of. Because I buy things through the mail, I collect enormous volumes of styrofoam packing peanuts, enough to fill all the bean bag chairs in San Francisco in 1968. But I've found an environmentally correct way to dispose of it. Put it in a bowl, sprinkle with salt and bring it out during the fourth quarter of a football game. You can unload about a cubic yard per football fan this way, and it doesn't have nearly the fat content of movie popcorn. Not surprisingly, Dave Barry has moved too. So here is ... MOVING: A COMMON MISTAKE by Dave Barry I, personally, have never given birth to a child, but I have seen it dramatized a number of times on television and I would say that in terms of pain, childbirth does not hold a candle to moving. For one thing, childbirth has a definite end to it. The baby comes out, looking like a vaseline-smeared ferret, and the parents get to beam at it joyfully and that is that. Whereas the average couple goes on moving forever. You take couple A, who just had a baby, and couple B, who just moved their household, and if you keep track of them, you'll find that years from now, when couple A's baby has grown up, left home, and started a family, couple B will still be rooting through boxes of wadded-up newspaper, looking for the lid to their Mr. Coffee. Also, during childbirth, when things go wrong, trained professionals give you powerful drugs. Nobody is ever this thoughtful during a move. This is why my Number One piece of helpful advice to people who are about to move, especially for the first time, is always: DON'T DO IT! SET FIRE TO YOUR HOUSEHOLD GOODS RIGHT NOW AND JUST WALK AWAY FROM THEM WITHOUT SO MUCH AS A BACKWARD GLANCE! THIS WILL BE EASIER IN THE LONG RUN! Of course, you think I'm just kidding, and by the time you realize I'm not, you'll already be in your new home, trying unsuccessfully to locate something to slash your wrists with. So we might as well get started. First off, you need to make an important decision: Are you going to move yourself with the help of friends who have been drinking too much beer, or are you going to hire surly, incompetent professionals? The answer most likely depends on whether or not you, personally, have to pay for it. Many times, large corporations will pay for moving expenses, so you might ask them, although usually their policy is to do this only for their own employees. PROFESSIONAL MOVERS: HOW TO GET YOUR POSSESSIONS BACK The big advantage of going with professional movers, of course, is that you have somebody to complain to when you get to your new home and discover that your fine china has been reduced to Chiclet-size pieces and there is mayonnaise in the piano. Also, if it's a full-service move, you get to watch the Packing People in action. These are moving company workers who go through your house scooping up everything they see and putting it into a box. *Everything*. The Packing People do not ask questions. They will cheerfully pack an entire box with used kitty litter, painstakingly wrapping each individual cat doot in specialized paper so that it will not be damaged in shipment. Thus it is very important to keep a sharp eye on the Packing People while they are at work, so as to avoid painful tragedies. ("WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH JENNIFER?") Another problem that sometimes arise with professional movers is getting them to give you your furniture back once they put it in the van. This problem is especially serious if the driver, after he puts your stuff in his van, goes around and picks up several other households full of stuff, which he then has to drop off, usually in Zaire, before he can go to your new home. The solution to this problem is to do what savvy moving families have been doing for years: hijack the truck. Get a gun, and simply demand that the driver unload at your house first. Of course, this means you'll wind up with somebody else's possessions, but it doesn't really matter. You'll never get them unpacked anyway. MOVING YOURSELF The big advantage of moving yourself is that you get to rent a rental truck. Rental trucks are highly specialized vehicles that are not released for use by the general public until they have undergone an intensive "breaking-in" program of being used to carry violent cattle with severe intestinal disorders over rough terrain for a minimum of 1,700,000 miles without maintenance. These machines are capable of travelling the length of several football fields on a single tankful of gas, yet they boast the kind of cornering, braking, and acceleration characteristics normally associated with municipal stadiums. No question about it: Once you get behind the wheel of a rental truck, you'll wonder what the sticky substance on the seat is. But before you're ready to think about the truck, you need to go through all your possessions and make a serious futile effort to get rid of them. A key element in this effort is... THE GARAGE SALE A garage sale is basically when strangers come to your house and examine your personal belongings with undisguised contempt. The first ones you'll meet will be the garage sale Regulars. Garage sales are their lives. They'll show up at your home early, generally about two days before the sale is scheduled to begin. The way they find out about it is, they use computers to examine satellite reconnaissance photographs of suburban neighborhoods for signs of incipient garage sale activity, such as people standing around arguing about how much to charge for a 1953 set of the Encyclopedia Brittanica that's missing volume 18 (Saliva-Tapeworm). How do you price all those treasured personal belongings? The truth is, it doesn't matter what you charge, because the Regulars aren't going to pay it. These are people that do not own a single possession, including furniture, that they paid more than $2.50 for, and they are not about to change their policy for the likes of you. GARAGE SALE REGULAR (picking up sale object): What's this? YOU: That's my grandmother's brooch. It's twenty-four carat gold, it has eight flawless diamonds, and these are real pearls in the center here. It was presented to my grandmother personally by the King of England, whose crest is on the back. GARAGE SALE REGULAR: I'll give you a dollar for it. The Regulars will quickly pick you clean of everything that anybody might want to buy, so when your sale actually gets underway, it will consist of people getting out of their cars, examining your possessions the way you might view an unexpected leech in your pasta, then asking you: "Is this it?" The only thing they'll be interested in buying is anything on which you have carefully placed a large sign stating: NOT FOR SALE. They'll walk up, read the sign carefully, then ask you: "Is this for sale?" It can make you feel vaguely inadequate, watching people reject your possessions. At least that's how it affects me. I find myself wanting to please these people. I want to say "If you don't see what you like, we'll order it!" But of course this tends to defeat the whole purpose of the garage sale, so the best thing to do is just sit there grimly until the sale is over and you can throw everything away. Okay, now we've cleared out some of the dead wood, it's time to proceed with the next step in the moving process, which is... GETTING A BUNCH OF EMPTY LIQUOR BOXES AND HURLING THINGS INTO THEM AT RANDOM You won't start out this way, of course. You'll start by selecting the objects with great care and wrapping them up very gently. You'll keep this up for a week or so, packing box after box, making regular trips for more, getting to be good buddies with the clerks at the liquor store, getting a satisfied feeling when you gaze upon the big stack of filled boxes in the living room. And then one day you'll look around and make a chilling discovery: You're not making any progress. There's still just as much stuff lying around unboxed as there was the day you started. There might even be more. And so you start to pack with less care, faster and faster, until you find yourself in an uncontrolled packing frenzy, thowing everything - dirt, money, deceased spiders - into liquor boxes in a desperate effort to empty the house. What you have come up against here is a strange phenomenon that has astounded scientists and liquor store clerks for thousands of years: It is impossible to empty a house. You can't do it. Somehow, word that you're moving gets out to all the dumps and garbage disposal sites, and in the dead of night there comes an eerie rustling sound as all your old possessions, the ones you threw away years ago - broken appliances, coffee grounds, Pat Boone records - rise up and come limping, scuttling and scooching back to your house, where they nestle in the backs of your closets, waiting to spring out at you the way Tony Perkins kept springing out at people in Psycho, only more unexpectedly. If you throw them away again, they'll crawl right back the next night. Eventually you'll lose your sanity, and you'll start deciding to keep them. "This looks like it's in pretty good shape!" you'll say, holding up the owner's manual to the Chevrolet station wagon that you sold in 1972. And all the other old possessions, back in their closets, writhe with joy, because they know there is hope for them. This is how deranged you can become: The last time we moved, I had to physically prevent my wife from packing several scum-encrusted rags I had been using to clean toilets. It was also my wife who decided to keep the greenish chair that looks like what would happen if a monstrous prehistoric creature blew its nose in our living room. We had remarked many times before that all the pain and anguish of moving would be justified by that fact that we would be leaving this chair behind forever. It broke into open laughter when it was carried into our new home. HELPFUL PACKING HINTS o After packing a box, always write your name on the top (e.g. BARRY), so when you get to your new home you'll be able to tell at a glance what your name is. o Tropical fish should be individually wadded up in newspaper. o In fact, it's a good idea to pack several boxes full of nothing but wadded-up pieces of newspaper, so you'll have plenty on hand in your new home. o When packing perishable items such as yogurt, make a mental note to throw them away immediately upon arrival in your new home. o Be sure to take along at least 2,800 pounds of your old college textbooks with titles like "Really Long Poems of the Sixteenth Century", the ones you never read when you were in college, the ones that are still packed in boxes from four moves ago. These are sure to come in handy. o It is best not to pack prescription drugs such as tranquilizers. It is best to keep them on hand and gulp them down like salted peanuts. Another total breakdown of rational thought occurs when you start deciding to leave behind things as little gifts for the new owners. You will look at your collection of seventeen thousand cans of various paints, none of which has been opened since the Protestant Reformation and each of which contains about a quarter inch of sludge hardened to the consistency of dental porcelain, and you will say: "The new owners will probably be able to use these!" You will saw the same thing about the swing set gradually oxidizing into a major rust formation in the backyard, even though you know the new owners are a childless couple in their seventies. You will leave them old eyeglasses, deceased radios, filthy rags, and baked goods supporting fourth generation mold colonies. You will leave them half-filled bags of lawn chemicals that have, over the decades, permanently bonded to the garage floor. Near the end, you will display not the slightest shred of human decency: YOU (brightly): I'm sure the new owner would like to have this! YOUR SPOUSE: That's your mother! From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: history 101 Those who forget history--and the English language--may be condemned to mangle both. Historian Anders Henriksson, a five- year veteran of the university classroom, has faithfully recorded his freshman students' more striking insights into European history. Possibly as an act of vengeance, Henriksson has assembled these fractured fragments into a chronological narra- tive from the Middle Ages to the present. During the Middle Ages, everyone was middle aged. Church and state were co-operated. Middle Evil society was made up of monks, lords, and surfs. After a revival of infantile commerce, merchants appeared. Those roamed from town to town exposing them- selves and organizing big fairies in the countryside. The Crusades were expeditions by Christians who were seeking to free the holy land (the "Home Town" of Christ) from the Islams. In the 1400 hundreds most Englishmen were perpendicular. A class of ycowls arose. Finally, Europe caught the Black Death. It was spread from port to port by inflected rats. The plague also helped the emergence of English as the national language of England, France, and Italy. The Middle Ages slimpared to a halt. The renesance bolted in from the blue. Life reeked with joy. Italy became robust, and more individuals felt the value of their human being. Italy, of course, was much closer to the rest of the world, thanks to northern Europe. Man was determined to civilise himself and his brothers, even if heads had to roll! It became sheik to be educa- ted. Europe was full of incredable churches with great art bulging out of their doors. Renaisance merchants were beautiful and almost lifelike. The Reformnation happened when German nobles resented that tithes were going to the pope, thus enriching Catholic coiffures. The popes were usually Catholic. An angry Martin Luther nailed 95 theocrats to a church door. Theologically, Luthar was into reori- entation mutation. Anabaptist services tended to be migratory. Monks went right on seeing themselves as worms. The last Jesuit priest died in the 19th century. After the refirmation were wars both foreign and infernal. If the Spanish could gain the Netherlands they would have a stronghold throughout northern Europe that would include Italy, Burgangy, central Europe and India thus surrounding France. The German Emperor's lower passage was blocked by the French for years and years. Louis XIV became King of the Sun. He gave people food and artillery. If he didn't like someone, he sent them to the gallows to row for the rest of their lives. Vauban was the royal minister of flirtation. In Russia, the 17th century was known as the time of the bounding of the serfs. Russian nobles wore clothes to humor Peter the Great. Peter filled his government with accidental people; orthodox priests became government antennae. The enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire wrote a book called Candy that got him into trouble. Philosophers were unknown yet, and the fundamental stake was one of religious tolerance slightly confused with defeatism. France was in a serious state. Taxation was a great drain on the state budget. The French revolution was accomplished before it happened. The revolution catapaulted into Napolean. Napoleon was ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrain- ed. History started in 1815. Industrialization was precipitating in England. Problems were so complexicated that in Paris, out of a population of 1 million people, 2 million able bodies were on the loose. The middle class was tired and needed a rest. The old order could see the lid holding down new ideas beginning to shake. Among the goals of the chartists were universal suferage and an anal parliment. A new time zone of national unification roared over the horizon. Founder of the new Italy was Cavour, an intelligent Sardine from the north. Culture formented from its tip to its top. Dramatized were adventures in seduction and abortion. Music reeked with reality. Wagner was master of music, and when he died they labeled his seat "historical." World War I broke out about 1912-1914. At war people get killed, and then they aren't people any more, but friends. Peace was proclaimed at Versigh, which was attended by General Loid, Primal Minister of England. President Wilson arrived with 14 pointers. In 1917, Lenin revolted Russia. Germany was displaced after WW1. This gave rise to Hitler, who remilitarized the Rineland over a squirmish between Germany and France. Mooscalini rested his foundations on 8 million bayonets and invaded Hi Lee Salasy. Germany invaded Poland, France invaded Belgium, and Russia invaded everybody. War screeched to an end when a nukleer explosion was dropped on Heroshima. A whole generation had been wipe out, and their forlorne families were left to pick up the peaces. The last stage is us. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Wrong Arm of the Law No source was given for this, but it makes a good story. Wrong Arm of the Law A judge admonished the police in Radnor, Pa., for pretending a Xerox copy machine was a lie detector. Officials had placed a metal colander on the head of a suspect and attached the colander to the copier with metal wires. In the copy machine was a typewritten message: "He's lying." Each time investigators received answers they didn't like, they pushed the copy button and out popped the message, "He's lying." Apparently convinced the machine was accurate, the suspect confessed. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Software developers I'm sending this mostly so that people will quit sending it to me! A software developer guy is a walkin' down the street, and he hears a voice from the sidewalk. He looks down and sees a frog. The frog says,"Hi, I'm really a beautiful princess. Pick me up, give me a kiss, and I'll let you gaze at my beauty for an hour". So the sw guy bends down, picks up the frog, puts her in his pocket, and keeps walking. So the frog says, "HEY! Wait a minute, let me out!". The sw guy pulls the frog out of his pocket. Now the frog says, "If you kiss me I'll turn into a beautiful princess and I'll give you great sex for a week!" The sw guy puts the frog back into his pocket. "WHAT? HEY, get me out of here!". He pulls the frog out again. "If you kiss me I'll turn into a beautiful princess and I'll give you great sex for a whole year!!!" Back into the pocket. sw guy keeps on walking. "WAIT A MINITE! GET ME OUT OF HERE! Please, take me out of your pocket!" So the sw guy does, and the frog asks him, "What's the deal here? I promise you a beautiful princess and great sex for a year, yet you keep putting me back into your pocket!?" And the sw guy replies "I'm a software developer. I don't have time for sex. But a talking frog is WAY COOL!" From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Reading the Manual I bought a GE coffeemaker in 1977 that came with instructions including Do not operate the coffeemaker inside a warm oven. Operating the coffeemaker inside a warm oven will not speed brewing and could cause a dangerous fire. I was motivated to think about this from the following quote provided by Barry Nalebuff. Subject: FORTRAN DATA statement explained at last The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change. -- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Show Me the Law >From the current issue of the Journal of the American Bar Association: Missouri Attorney General Jay Nixon wants to put a stop to nuisance lawsuits by prisoners, and has published a list of the most frivolous lawsuits filed by state inmates. These include: Prisoners should be served butter, not just margarine, with meals (dismissed). Inmates working in the prison law library should be paid the same as attorneys (dismissed). The cost of junk food in the prison commissary is too high (pending). A limit on Kool-Aid refills is cruel and unusual punishment; inmates should be given sit-down service at restaurants and be paid $26 a day in food allowance when travelling from prison to the courthouse (dismissed). Nicotine patches should be provided free to inmates (pending). The state should provide a convicted murderer with an ax to build a sweat lodge for worship (a federal judge ordered the state to allow the inmate, an American Indian, to practice his traditional rights in such a lodge)(no decision on the ax listed). Buchanan County should pay damages to an inmate who broke his leg trying to escape (dismissed). Prisoners should be treated to salad bars and brunches on weekends and holidays (pending). Missouri has 30 lawyers working exclusively on such cases, according to Nixon. In other legal news, "He's called an absolute centrist on the bench. That means, in Roe v. Wade, he'd vote for versus." -Argus Hamilton on Stephen Breyer Lawyer Cynthia Gustke of Elkins, West Virginia, received a letter from a client in prison that said "Being here is like being in jail." Finally, Judge Barry Brown ruled that the Sumner County, Tennessee Juvenile Court building was unsafe, saying "There were two bats in my robe and one in my chair. We couldn't open our mouths without them flying in." Thought you'd like to know. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Your risk of dying from obesity This was in today's Boston Globe, p.14. It was early when I read it; I kept trying to figure out how it got to be April 1 without my noticing... SEATTLE - A 410-pound man on death row, who eats nearly 6,000 calories a day and declines any exercise, has escaped the hangman's noose because of his size. Mitchell Rupe, 39, convicted of murdering two women in a 1981 bank robbery, convinced a federal judge this week that he is too heavy to hang. Under the force of his own weight, he risks decapitation, deemed a "cruel and unusual punishment" in the last century, and therefore illegal under the Eighth Amendment, Rupe's attorneys argued. US District Judge Thomas Zilly concluded that placing Rupe on the gallows would offend "basic human dignity" and go against "public perceptions of standards of decency." Those who believe Rupe should die have accused him of eating his way off death row. Rupe, who is 6 feet 1, is not offered second helpings after prison meals, but he consumes an extra 2,000 calories a day in chocolate and potato chips from the inmate's shop, and declines the daily offer of 2 1/2 hours exercise, according to prison officials. Since his incarceration, he has put on 80 pounds. (Washington Post) From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Politics George W. Bush, running for govenor of Texas, shot an endangered bird on the opening day of hunting season. Pundits seem to be unsure whether this is a political liability in Texas. In the recent debates here in Boston, the speakers had unusually wide podiums, to conceal Ted Kennedy's expansion. It may be that the recently announced conflict in the age of the universe with the inflation theory can be accounted for by including Kennedy's mass in the calculations. And yesterday, the Boston globe reported: A billboard in Pensacola, FL, shows a photograph of former Mayor Jerry Maygarden, candidate for state representative, turning into a likeness of Preident Clinton, with the slogan "If you like Bill Clinton, you'll love Jerry Maygarden!" Maygarden was Clinton's Pensacola campaign manager in 1992. However, this year Maygarden is the Republican candidate, having switched parties last year. Maygarden's Democratic opponent, Gerald McGill, put up the billboard. In the Second Congressional district in Hawaii, Robert Garner easily won the Republican primary, and has not been seen since, despite the continuing efforts of the state GOP to track him down. -------------------------------------- I've always wondered how Ted Kennedy manages to continue to represent Massachusetts. The image of Kennedy running around that Florida compound wearing those reading glasses but no pants would be enough to sink most politicians. I gather Kennedy can't lie on the beach anymore - the Coast Guard would try to drag him back out to sea. Kennedy's re-election is all the more remarkable given the anti-Democrat, and anti-spending, voting pattern. Kennedy attempted to portray himself as fiscally responsible. I would have expected that this would meet with as much success as Kennedy claiming to be thin or ethical. One particular Boston Globe headline, "Groups see Kennedy as Weak on Cutting the Deficit," is revealing. The thrust of the article was that some voters were skeptical, presumably those with an IQ exceeding room temperature in Celsius. (An adjoining headline said "Condemned Prisoners Can Donate Sperm," which must provide fierce competition for the Nobel Laureate Sperm Bank.) The best Kennedy story came from the debates. To conceal his volume from the television audience, Kennedy asked for - and received - extra wide podiums for the debate (a Globe article called them "condominum-sized"). The bill for the rental of these podiums, $1,025.00, has come due, and the Kennedy campaign sent the bill to the debate sponsors, who are sending the bill back to Kennedy. In other news, Apple had been calling a new computer under development "Carl Sagan." This was a purely in-house term, not the name of a product sold to the public. Sagan objected, and Apple changed the name to BHA, which allegedly stands for "Butt-Headed Astronomer." Sagan sued, alleging damage to his reputation, and the judge quickly dismissed the suit. Thus, there is at least one sensible judge. Finally, for those of you keeping track of the level of economics education in the news, we have this from the New York Times, in an article about commercial farming of Striped Bass. To Josh Goldman, it's all very simple. On a display board, he draws one line - slanting upward - that's world demand for fish. Below that, a second line, slanting down - the wild supply. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: texan mbas... This is serious evidence that there is a spark of life in Palo Alto! Who'd a thunk it? What are the top 10 signals you are a Texan-MBA? 10. Your personalized license plates were made by a relative. 9. Your business card includes your CB handle. 8. When the professor asked for a definition of Pareto Sub-Optimal, you replied "That dog won't hunt." 7. Your state motto is Cogito Petro Nius, or "Think Big, two-step, drill deep." 6. On the Chicago Board of Trade, you once bought five boxcars of armadillos. 5. Your sweetheart's hairdo once became entangled in a ceiling fan. 4. Your front porch collapsed and killed more than two hounds. 3. You know why mixing fertilizer with kerosene is like mixing Southern Baptists with Mardi Gras. 2. Directions to your sister's society wedding included "turn off paved road..." 1. Title for your last OB paper was "Harvard MBAs Longitudinally: All Hat and No Cattle." Source: Stanford Business School *Reporter*. By the way, there's nothing wrong with Texas Baptists that holding them under water longer wouldn't cure. (quoted by Molly Ivins) From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Student Evaluations "I've always been a big supporter of the constitutional right of the people to peaceably assemble and petition the government for redress of grievances. It's just that I never envisioned it taking the form of thousands of people screaming 'You asshole! You asshole!' at me." -Lowell Weicker quoted by Molly Ivins From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Free Trade, Gibberish Administration officials scrambled last week to change the name of AFTA - the American Free Trade Area - which was the unofficial name of a proposal to create a hemisphere-wide free trade zone, when they learned that afta is, in Portugese, an open sore in the mouth. Afta didn't appeal to the Brazilian delegation. The new name is FTAA - The Free Trade Area of the Americas. Is this pronounced fatah? Meanwhile, the APEC (Asian Pacific Economic Cooperation) conference led to fierce disagreement over the last word. Candidates include zone, area and caucus. Existing economic subgroups in Latin America are: Mercosur, Group of Three, Caricom, the Andean Pact, Central American Common Market, and Aladi. Finally, the U.S., Mexico and Canada have invited Chile to join NAFTA, provided it move north of the equator. Source: NY Times From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: USAir In September, after its fifth crash in five years, USAir changed the slogan for its shuttle from "On the hour, on the nose" to "On the hour." From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Gib Lewis, former speaker of the Texas House Molly Ivins, who said that Pat Buchanan's 1992 speech at the Republican National Convention "probably sounded better in the original German," has for years reported on the career of Gib Lewis, former speaker of the Texas House. Given California's inability to choose a speaker, it seems worthwhile to revisit some of Lewis' more tangled expressions, which have become known as Gibberish. "I'm grateful and filled with humidity." "This problem is a two-headed sword. It could grow like a mushing room." "We'll run it up the flagpole and see if anyone salutes that booger." "We don't want to skim the cream off the crop here." "The budget can be cut by employee nutrition." "They're just beatin' their heads against a dead horse." "It's unparalyzed in the state's history." Lewis closed one session by thanking members for having "extinguished theirselfs," and once urged members to "disperse with their objections." From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Comedians I owe the government $2900 in taxes. So I sent them half a dozen hammers and asked for a refund. My mother wants grandchildren, so I said, "Mom, go for it!" A lady came up to me on the street and pointed to my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too." I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell "Whooa, I'm way too high." Remember folks. Street lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for 70 mph. I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time a woman got pregnant, someone left town. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Surly Santa Perhaps I like this story only because it takes place in my home town and concerns my alma mater, the University of Florida. The story was in today's Boston Globe. Jacksonville, Fla: A less-than-jolly Santa Claus at a mall told a 6-year-old boy he wouldn't get any presents if he was a University of Florida football fan. Santa also pointed his white-gloved finger at the boy's father and challenged him to a fight. Santa then walked off the job, leaving expectant children stunned. [No wonder there is a population explosion] Chip Crabtree said he and his wife took their their sons - ages 2, 4, and 6 - to The Avenues mall on Friday. When Santa saw the children's mother, Lori, wearing a University of Florida Gators sweatshirt, he said: "Santa doesn't like Gator fans ... Santa Claus wishes that Florida State would beat the Gators in the Sugar Bowl," according to Crabtree. When the children's mother told Santa he was being rude, he retorted: "Lady, if you don't like it, you can get them off my lap," Crabtree recounted. The family asked for their money back and began to leave. Crabtree, who was videotaping the visit from 10 feet away, told Santa he didn't like his remarks. That's when Santa jumped from his chair and allegedly thumped Crabtree's chest with his finger and taunted: "You want to do something about it right now, pal? Right here on the stage?" according to Crabtree. Crabtree said he didn't. When mall security jumped in, Santa told an elf: "Just tell them to go home. I'm out of here," Crabtree said. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: News >From today's Boston Globe The really remarkable thing about this story is that it didn't happen in southern California: FREEPORT, Maine - Freeport police are puzzled by a series of break-ins in which burglars stole inexpensive items and left valuables behind. Among the items stolen were dried flowers, two packages of frozen corned beef, a ceramic Santa Claus, sheets and pillows. The burglars left behind cash, jewelry, computers and stereos. "I have never in all the years I've been a police officer experienced burglaries of this nature," said Sgt. Terry Carter, who is in charge of catching the "yard-sale burglars." From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Hair care Anyone who thinks their hair is too uptight deserves their fate: WASHINGTON - The Food and Drug Administration warned consumers yesterday not to use "Rio" hair relaxer products because they may cause severe hair loss or turn hair green. The FDA has received nearly 100 reports since last month of reactions to "Rio Hair Naturalizer Systems," a product imported from Brazil and sold through television "infomercials" by World Rio Corp of Los Angeles. The FDA said "Rio" appears to be copper based, and a copper salt is likely to be the cause of the color change. But the product also appears to be highly acidic, which may be causing the hair loss. The FDA urged consumers who have experienced problems with Rio to notify their local FDA office, local health department or the company at 1-800-543-3002. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Steven Wright Steven Wright delivers jokes in a monotone deadpan voice. I find him funny, but it's definitely idiosyncratic humor. --- big picture --- A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here." It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. --- banks --- I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time. --- museums --- I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. --- restaurants --- I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. --- stores --- There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators. I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping. --- appliances --- For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it. --- telephones --- Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait." --- apartments --- I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious! All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store." While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in *exactly* the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?" --- houses --- In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out." Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it... it feels real." I have a microwave fireplace in my house... The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes. I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there. My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them. --- cars and driving --- For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running... I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving. My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out. I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out." One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read." I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go." When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving. Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... when I came back the entire area was missing. --- sleeping --- I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night. When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes." I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them. --- fishing --- Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot. --- dogs --- I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me. I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles. I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now. --- childhood --- I was born by Caesarian section... but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window. When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice. I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by. When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually. My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the band." When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey. Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say, "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!" My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. --- not-all-there --- You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time. Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. --- books --- What's another word for Thesaurus? Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912... Well, to make a long story short ... I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose. --- miscellaneous one-liners --- After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in? Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. I like to skate on the other side of the ice. I lost a button hole today. I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age. I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? You can't have everything. Where would you put it? --- miscellaneous --- I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit. It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature. I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it. I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do? I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, "the whole time." It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused. I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that." When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?" I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "help wanted". There was another sign below it that said "self service". So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit. Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture. In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number. I have a map of the United States... actual size. It says, "Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it. I also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it. Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? I want to get a tatoo of myself on my entire body, only 2" taller. I owed my friend George $25. For about three weeks I owed it to him. The whole time I had the money on me -- he didn't know it. Walking through New York City, 2:30 in the morning and got held up. He said, "Gimme all your money." I said, "Wait a minute." I said, "George, here's the 25 dollars I owe you." The the thief took a thousand dollars out of his own money and he gave it to George. At gunpoint made me borrow a thousand dollars from George. ENGLISH: I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it. WRONG METHODS / REASONS / MECHANISMS: Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen. SELF: I can't stop thinking like this. NAAAHH: I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet. Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors. TRIVIALIZATION: Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did you think?" *****These are "fake" Steve Wright sayings, by Rod Schmidt***** I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it. My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year. I had amnesia once or twice. I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar. I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list. The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg. I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes. I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open. I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine. I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale." Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle. What are imitation rhinestones? If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? A metaphor is like a simile. Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie? I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper. It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly. At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if you eat less than you can. As of 1992, they'll be called European Economic Community fries. Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may wonder how it weighs the food. It doesn't. It just eats another hummingbird. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Christmas Presents A kid is sitting on Santa's lap at the mall, while the kid's mother takes photos. Santa: What would you like for christmas? Kid: I want a goddamned Nintendo. Santa: Now, that isn't a nice way to ask for a present. Let's try again. What would you like for christmas? Kid: I want a fucking bicycle. Santa: Son, if you talk that way, you aren't going to get any presents. You have to ask nicely for presents. Let's try one more time. What would you like for christmas? Kid: I'd like a motorbike, please, you asshole. Santa then goes to the child's mother and says the child has a problem with profanity. Mom agrees, says "He's eight years old and I just can't control him." Santa suggests she teach the child a lesson, and give him dogshit for christmas. Mom thinks about this. On christmas morning, the kid comes out. Under the tree, where he hoped the Nintendo would be, is a big pile of dogshit. He runs out to the front porch, looking for the bicycle, and again, there's a pile of dogshit. He races to the garage, to see if the motor bike is there, and finds another pile of dogshit. He runs into the backyard, where he sees the kid from next door. Kid next door: What'd you get for christmas? Profane Kid: I think I got a dog, but I can't find it. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: From the Columbia Journalism Review: "Morality Rates Lower Than Normal at Mobil" Gloucester County Times 6/10/85 "President Determined to Have Cancer" Kentucky Register 7/16/85 "Parents Ride School Buses After Death" Providence Journal 5/22/85 "Garden Grove Resident Naive, Foolish Judge Says" Orange County Register 7/2/85 "Large Church Plans Collapse" Hamilton Spectator 6/8/85 "City, County, Union Pacific Meet on Radioactive Soils" Las Vegas Sun 7/6/85 "Fashions Shown to Fight Cancer" Century City News 6/5/85 "Nation's Economy A Mystery, Spaghetti Costlier" Winchester News-Gazette 6/21/85 "Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says" Winnipeg Free Press 9/20/85 "Church Retains Homosexual Bar" New York Times 9/14/85 "Split Rears in Farmer Movement" Denver Post 1/11/83 "School Chief Hears Offer in Men's Room" Anchorage Times 11/25/81 From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Getting what you ask for ... A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. There is a tiny man in one corner of the room playing the piano flawlessly. The next time the bartender comes round, the customer comments, "That little man plays the piano really well. Where did you find him?" "I've got this magic lamp," the bartender replies. "You just rub it and make a wish." "Can I try it?" the customer asks. "Sure," the bartender says, and places the lamp on the bar. The customer rubs it for a while, then a duck appears on his head, then one in his lap, one on the stool next to him, one on the bar... Pretty soon the room is full of ducks. "Ducks!" exclaims the customer. "I asked for a million bucks." "What did you think," says the bartender "I asked for a 12 inch pianist?" From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: News Stories of 1994 These stories were printed last week in the Washington Post, in article about what happened in 1994. FORT WAYNE, Ind - Police answering a complaint of bullets hitting a house discovered that the complainant had hidden his loaded pistol in the stove, forgotten it and then turned on the oven. NEWARK - A lawyer sued a restaurant for damages he claimed he suffered when served a double espresso instead of decaffeinated coffee. SEATTLE - A pregnant woman was convicted of illegally driving in the carpool lane, despite her argument that her unborn child amounted to a second passenger. SAMSULA, Fla - Some 10,000 bikers gathered at Sopotnick's Cabbage Patch to watch topless women wrestle each other in a giant vat of cole slaw. LONDON - British plumbers were issued a new guide to anti-sexist terminology and told that ballcocks and stopcocks must henceforth be known as "float-operated valves." JACKSONVILLE, Fla - A nine-foot male alligator wandered onto a highway near Jacksonville, snapped at passing cars and bit a 10-inch chunk out of a police cruiser. HILLSIDE, NJ - Humane Society officials summoned a New Jersey man to court for killing a rat. BOCA RATON, Fla - A man was dining at a local restaurant when a monkey jumped out of a woman's purse nearby and bit him on the ear. BONN - A German computer engineer devised an electronic confessional for software-minded Catholics. The program is called "Online with Jesus." NICOSIA, Cyprus - A Greek pizza deliveryman who strayed across the U.N. patrolled buffer zone in divided Cyprus was jailed on the Turkish Cypriot side of the island while trying to deliver a pizza to the U.N. post. WASHINGTON - The U.S. Tax Court ruled that exotic dancer Cynthia "Chesty Love" Hess of Fort Wayne, Ind., could depreciate as a business expense the surgical implants that enlarged her bust size to 56FF. Judge Joan Seitz Pate ruled that the implants increased Hess's income and that the breasts are so large and cumbersome - they weigh about 10 pounds each - that she could derive no personal benefit from them. NEW YORK - An X-rated hardcore video called "John Wayne Bobitt Uncut," featuring the world's best-known penile amputee utilizing his surgically reattached appendage, had the biggest opening month in the history of adult videos, grossing more than $3 million. BEIJING - A Chinese houswife keen to improve her love life snipped off her husband's penis with scissors in the superstitious belief that he would grow a new and better one. BIRMINGHAM - A nude man tried to approach Gov. Jim Folsom and his wife, Marsha, at a political appearance, saying he was a father dissatisfied with public education. LONDON - A survey of 1,010 British women found more than half preferred eating out in a restaurant to making love. BONN - A German woman whose boyfriend kept pestering her for sex beat him unconscious with a chair, cut off his penis with a bread knife and set the house on fire. [No means No!] CINCINNATI - A woman who faints when she hears sex-related words passed out repeatedly in court while trying to describe how she was sexually assaulted by a man who knew of her disability. The woman claimed her assailant uttered the word "sex" and then molested her while she was unconscious in the lobby of her apartment building. BAD REICHENHALL, Germany - An undertaker drove a hearse 560 miles to a funeral before realizing that he had forgotten the body. EASTON Pa. - The Crayola Co. unveiled a new line of scented crayons in which green crayons smell like limes, peach smells like peaches and pink crayons like bubble gum. ST. JOSEPH, Mo. - When the coffee didn't taste right, workers at Wire Rope of America set up a hidden camera to find out why. What they found was a co-worker using the coffee pot as a urinal. NEW YORK - New York's Metropolitan Transit Authority declared it legal for women to ride the subway topless. SAN JOSE - Santa Clara County dissolved its Self-Esteem Task Force because its members didn't show up. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Bureaucrazy Wall Street Journal, Tuesday, October 18, 1994: Just Go to the Bookstore and Buy One Recently, the California State University system placed a purchase order (PO) for a book published by a small New Canaan, Conn., company. The Information Economics Press. The following is a copy of the letter the press sent back to the California procurement officer. It illustrates some of the joys of doing business with government organizations. Mr. M.J. Whitson California State University Los Alamitos, CA 90720 Attn: Charleen Wood, Procurement and Support Services Officer We have your eight page PO# 940809 for one copy of our book ``The Politics of Information Management.'' We are unable to fill your $49 order for the following reasons: - In the Purchase Order Terms and Conditions you wish us to waive any infringement of our copyrighted materials by officers, agents and employees of the California State University. We cannot agree to make available a valuable Copyright for the price of a book. - You will withhold all payments or make a 38% withholding in order to file a year-end 1099 form. We are unable to handle the paperwork of a separate 1099 for every book we sell. That would be double our paperwork. - You are requiring us to fill a Vendor Data Record (form 204) which is largely identical with your Vendor Information Sheet form. Filling both forms takes excessive amounts of time. - We are a small business, and therefore you require that we submit a copy of the OSMB Small Business Certification. We do not have an OSMB Certification and do not know where to get one. - Your attachment to form 204 specifies that I obtain a determination with regard to my being classified either as a resident or non- resident subject to California tax withholdings, to be reclaimed by filing at year-end California tax returns. We do not plan to make any tax filings in California. - Your contract rider contains a Privacy Statement on unspecified disclosures that makes us liable for penalties of up to $20,000. - As a condition for our filling out the order you are asking us to post statements notifying all employees of compliance with Code Section 8355 and certifying as to our adopting a four point Drug-Free Awareness program that complies with California law. Deviations are punishable as perjury under the laws of the State of California. Please note that our firm has only two employees, who do not take even an aspirin. - Your Minority/Women Business Enterprise Self Certification Form 962 requires detailed statistics on ethnic characteristics of our firm, defining each ethnic group according to their stated geographic origins. To assist in making such distinctions you provide a check-list of ethnic identity of the owners of this firm, leaving us by default with only one open choice, Caucasian, which you do not define. My husband and I do not know of any ancestors who may have ever been in the proximity of the Caucasian mountains, and therefore we are unable to comply with your requirement to identify our ethnic origin according to your geographic rules. We therefore suggest that you purchase our book at a bookstore. Mona Frankel Publisher Reprinted with permission of the Wall Street Journal copyright 1994. Dow Jones & Company, Inc. All Rights Reserved. From mcafee Fri Feb 24 08:38:20 1995 From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Bubbae How to Tell if You're a Bubba Score 1 for each of the following that applies to you. 1. You know the lady working in the drive-through window of Jack in the Box on a first name basis. 2. You pick up the newspaper from your driveway wearing only underwear. 3. Your favorite food comes on a stick. 4. You know how to whittle. 5. You have kin in Louisiana. 6. The men in your family have two first names (e.g. Jim Bob, Earl Bob, Billy Bob, Robert Bob, and Percival Bob). 7. You frequently use the expression "Them thar." 8. You wear Payless shoes. 9. Your dinner blessing is "Rub a dub dub, thanks for the grub." 10. The back pocket of your jeans show an indentation from the Copenhagen can. 11. You have the 1995 Miss Snap-On Tools calendar in your living room. 12. Your only tie features dogs playing cards. 13. You have major appliances in your yard. 14. When you go swimming, you repeatedly cannonball other bathers. 15. Most of your shirts feature your name in an oval over the shirt pocket (e.g. Percival Bob). 16. Your belt buckle weighs four pounds or more. 17. Since it comes from St. Louis, you consider Budweiser an import. 18. You've gone to the store without bothering to put your teeth in first. 19. You have relatives that make license plates and live rent free. 20. You've eaten opossum. Score 1 for each item that applies to you. Add up your score. If you needed to use toes as well as fingers to add up your score, give yourself an extra point. Scoring: 0-4: You're a New York kind of wuss. You voted for Cuomo. 5-9: You are from Oklahoma. 10-14: You moved to Texas from West Virginia and are making progress. 15-19: You live in a double-wide. You are a Bubba. 20: You thought George Wallace was a pinko commie. You don't have a social security number. 21: The shot-gun rack in your pick'em'up is made from pearl-coated antlers encrusted with rhinestones. You are angry at the NRA for being soft on bazookas. Your wife planted bluebonnets in the washing machine on the front porch. You could start a recycling plant with your collection of Lonestar cans. You are justifiably proud that Pa actually named you Bubba. You are now asking your fifth oldest son (Percival Bob), the one that likes school, what justifiably means. From mcafee Mon Feb 27 13:09:40 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA18901; Mon, 27 Feb 95 13:09:40 CST Date: Mon, 27 Feb 95 13:09:40 CST From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9502271909.AA18901@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive Subject: Economics of Golf A preacher, a psychologist, and an economist went golfing as a threesome one afternoon. After a few holes, they were stuck behind two golfers that were going extremely slow, hitting balls in the trees, the water, and just about everywhere else. Finally, after a few holes of this the threesome started to get upset and started making derogatory comments which could be heard by the twosome in front of them. Eventually, the caddy for the twosome went back and explained that the pair in front of them were two retired firefighters who had gone blind from racing into a burning building to save some children, and that the threesome should have some sympathy and compassion. Of course after hearing this, the threesome felt terrible about what they had been saying. The preacher said, "this is terrible, here I am a man of the cloth, and I've been ridiculing these poor men." Then the psychologist said, "this is terrible, here I have spent my whole life trying to make people feel better about themselves, and now I have been making demeaning comments to these poor blind men." Finally, the economist said, "this is terrible, these guys should be playing at night." From mcafee Fri Mar 3 22:55:53 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA15591; Fri, 3 Mar 95 22:55:53 CST Date: Fri, 3 Mar 95 22:55:53 CST From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9503040455.AA15591@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Only in California "In retrospect, lighting the match was my mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve my son's rat." Dick Stone told doctors in the severe burns unit of San Francisco City Hospital. Admitted for emergency treatment after an attempt to retrieve the rat had gone seriously wrong, "My son left the cage door open so his rat, Vermin, escaped into the garage," He explained. "As usual, it looked for a good place to hide and ran up the exhaust pipe of my motorcycle. I tried to retrieve Vermin by offering him food attached to a string, but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the pipe and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him." At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what had happened next. "The flame ignited a pocket of residual gas and a flame shot out the pipe igniting Mr. Stone's mustache and severely burned his face. It also set fire to the pet rat's fur and whiskers which, in turn, ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the exhaust pipe which propelled the rodent out like a cannonball." Stone suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the pet rat. His son was grounded for 6 weeks. Thanks to Steve Turnbull. From mcafee Fri Mar 3 23:29:32 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA16385; Fri, 3 Mar 95 23:29:32 CST Date: Fri, 3 Mar 1995 23:29:31 -0600 (CST) From: R Preston McAfee Subject: AER To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Fri, 20 Jan 95 13:46:35 CST From: R Preston McAfee To: R Preston McAfee Subject: AER The AER involves both the good, the bad, and the weird. These are from an author's letter: "The implications of my paper can be estimated, I believe, to be beyond descriptions." "I wish you feel free to contact me for all reasons that you can imagine." These remind me of the time I asked a German, who had just attended a Wagner opera in NYC, how he liked the opera. He groped around for the english expression for a while, and then said "It was Wagner as you feared it could be." Preston From mcafee Fri Mar 3 23:32:30 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA16485; Fri, 3 Mar 95 23:32:30 CST Date: Fri, 3 Mar 1995 23:32:29 -0600 (CST) From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Not exactly PC To: joke-archive@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Sun, 5 Feb 95 13:50:44 CST From: R Preston McAfee To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Not exactly PC Rush Limbaugh and Hillary Clinton are alone on an elevator. Hillary grabs the STOP button and pulls it out, stranding the pair between floors. She strips off her clothes, throws them to the floor and says "Rush, make me feel like a _woman_!" Rush strips off HIS clothes, throws them to the floor, and says "Fold those." From mcafee Fri Mar 3 23:32:55 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA16498; Fri, 3 Mar 95 23:32:55 CST Date: Fri, 3 Mar 1995 23:32:54 -0600 (CST) From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Rednecks To: joke-archive@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Sun, 5 Feb 95 22:46:40 CST From: R Preston McAfee To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Rednecks How to tell if you're a redneck: 1. You've taken a beer to a job interview 2. You consider your license plate personalize because your father made it. 3. Your wife has said "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath." 4. Seeing the sign "Say No To Crack" makes you pull your Levi's up. 5. When asked for ID, you show your belt buckle. 6. You go to the family reunion to meet women. 7. You own a home that is mobile and cars that aren't. 8. You refer to 5th grade as your senior year. 9. You've been blacklisted from a bowling alley. 10. The Home Shopping Club operator recognizes your voice. 11. Your family tree has no forks. 12. You've financed a tattoo. From mcafee Fri Mar 3 23:33:29 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA16509; Fri, 3 Mar 95 23:33:29 CST Date: Fri, 3 Mar 1995 23:33:29 -0600 (CST) From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Beer - It's not just for breakfast anymore To: joke-archive@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Mon, 6 Feb 95 10:40:14 CST From: R Preston McAfee To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Beer - It's not just for breakfast anymore. Top Ten Reasons Why Beer Is Better than Jesus 10. No one wil kill you for not drinking Beer. 9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex. 8. Beer has never caused a major war. 7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves. 6. When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away. 5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer. 4. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer. 3. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you. 2. You can prove you have a Beer. 1. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop. Thanks to Judith for this inspirational message. From mcafee Fri Mar 3 23:33:57 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA16518; Fri, 3 Mar 95 23:33:57 CST Date: Fri, 3 Mar 1995 23:33:56 -0600 (CST) From: R Preston McAfee Subject: For what it's worth To: joke-archive@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Fri, 10 Feb 95 23:41:55 CST From: R Preston McAfee To: R Preston McAfee Subject: For what it's worth This is allegedly a letter received by an insurance company. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Sir; This letter is in response to your recent letter requesting a more detailed explanation concerning my recent internment in Guadelupe Valley General Hospital. Specifically, you asked for an expansion in reference to Block 21(a)(3) of the claim form (reason for hospital visit). On the original form, I put "Stupidity." I realize now that this answer was somewhat vague and so I will attempt to more fully explain the circumstances leading up to my hospitalization. I had needed to use the restroom and had just finished a quick bite to eat at the local burger joint. I entered the bathroom, took care of my business, and just prior to the moment in which I had planned to raise my trousers, the locked case that prevents theft of the toilet paper in such places came undone and feel striking my knee. Unthinkingly I immediately, and with unneccesary force, returned the lid back to it's normal position. Unfortunately, as I did this I also turned and certain parts of my body which were still exposed where trapped between the devices lid and it's main body. Feeling such intense and immediate pain caused me to jump back. It quickly came to my attention that when one's privates are firmly attached to an unmoveable object, it is not a good idea to jump in the opposite direction. Upon recovering some of my senses, I attempted to re-open the lid, however, my slamming of it had been sufficent to allow the locking mechanism to engage. I then proceeded to get a hold on my pants and subsequently removed my keys from them. I intended to try to force the lock of the device open with one of my keys, thus extricating myself. Unfortunately, when I attempted this, my key broke in the lock. Embarassment of someone seeing me in this unique position became a minor concern, and I began to call for help in as much of a calm and rational manner as I could. An employee from the restaurant quickly arrived and decided that this was a problem requiring the attention of the store manager. Betty, the manager, came quickly. She attempted to unlock the device with her keys. Since I had broken my key off in the device, she could not get her key in. Seeing no other solution, she called the EMS (as indicated on your form in block 21(b)(1) ). After approximately 15 minutes, the EMS arrived, along with two police officers, a fire-rescue squad, and the channel 4 "On-the-Spot" news team. The guys from the fire department quickly took charge as this was obviously a rescue operation. The senior member of the team discovered that the device was attached with bolts to the cement wall that could only be reached once the device was unlocked. (His discovery was by means of tearing apart the device located in the stall next to the one that I was in, since the value of the property destroyed in his examination was less than fifty dollars/my deductable I did not include it in my claim.) His partner, who seemed like an intelligent fellow at the time, came up with the idea of cutting the device from the wall with the propane torch that was in the fire-rescue truck. The fireman went to his truck, retrieved the torch, and commenced to attempt to cut the device from the wall. Had I been in a state to think of such things, I might have realized that in cutting the device from the wall several things would also inevitably happen. (1) The air inside of the device would quickly heat up, causing items inside the device to suffer the same effects that are normally achieved by placing things in an oven. (2) The metal in the device is a good conductor of heat causing items that are in contact with the device to react as if thrown into a hot skillet. (3) Molten metal would shower the inside if the device as the torch cut through. The one bright note of the propane torch was that it did manage to cut, in the brief time that I allowed them to use it, a hole big enough for a small pry bar to be placed inside of the device. The EMS team then loaded me, along with the device, into the waiting ambulance, enroute to my destination as stated on your form. Due the small area of your block 21(a)(3), I was unable to give a full explanation of these events, and thus used the word wich I thought best described my actions that led to my hospitalization. Sincerely, From mcafee Fri Mar 3 23:34:23 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA16531; Fri, 3 Mar 95 23:34:23 CST Date: Fri, 3 Mar 1995 23:34:23 -0600 (CST) From: R Preston McAfee Subject: The Sort of News Dave Barry Writes About To: joke-archive@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Sat, 11 Feb 95 18:56:13 CST From: R Preston McAfee To: R Preston McAfee Subject: The Sort of News Dave Barry Writes About This comes to you from: Support and Discussion of Weight Loss _________________________________ STOCKHOLM, Sweden (AP) -- Alert customs officers noticed "something weird" about a woman's bosom. On further investigation, they found 65 baby snakes in her bra. The national news agency TT reported Thursday that the 42-year-old woman, who was not identified, told the officers that she intended to start a reptile farm. The reptiles were found after a body search. In addition to the baby grass snakes, six lizards were crawling around under her blouse, TT reported. The woman, who was arrested on arrival in southern Sweden, was being prosecuted for smuggling at the regional court in Malmo, TT said. The fate of the reptiles was not disclosed. ____________________________________ From mcafee Fri Mar 3 23:35:01 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA16540; Fri, 3 Mar 95 23:35:01 CST Date: Fri, 3 Mar 1995 23:35:01 -0600 (CST) From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Swedish Animals To: joke-archive@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Sun, 12 Feb 95 22:40:52 CST From: R Preston McAfee To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Swedish Animals When we last checked in on those lovable Swedes [yesterday], a woman had snakes in her undergarments. According to today's New York Times, p. 10: Stockholm, Feb 11 (Reuters) - Sweden has confirmed an embarrassing fact: that its defense forces have been hunting minks, not Russian submarines. "It's a sad fact that what was originally stated to be intrusions into our waters have proved to be minks," Prime Minister Ingvar Carlsson said Friday. The story goes on to note that Sweden doesn't intend to apologize to the Russians, and that Swedish ships dropping depth charges into Baltic waters were a common sight in the 1980s, effectively killing minks or otters. ___________________ In other news, the Boston Globe reported that the software program EasyFlow comes with the following disclaimer: If EasyFlow doesn't work, tough. If you lose millions because it messes up, it's you that's out millions, not us. If you don't like this disclaimer, tough. We reserve the right to do the absolute minimum provided by law, up to and including nothing. This is basically the same disclaimer that comes with all software, but ours is in plain English and theirs is in legalese. We really didn't want to include any disclaimer at all, but our lawyers insisted. From mcafee Fri Mar 3 23:36:11 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA16551; Fri, 3 Mar 95 23:36:11 CST Date: Fri, 3 Mar 1995 23:36:10 -0600 (CST) From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Nobel Prize To: joke-archive@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII Top Ten Disadvantages of Winning a Nobel Prize in Economics 10. According to course evaluations, dangling medallion makes you look like Elvis. 9. Distant relatives keep telephoning for free advice about rational expectations. 8. Colleagues borrow medal to get 20% discount at participating Red Lobster. 7. Dr. Jocelyn Elders wants you to coauthor her new book, *Sensitivity Analysis in the Privacy of your Own Home.* 6. Run-ins with Pulitzer Prize winners often turn ugly. 5. In front of your PhD students, waiter points out that you have mistallied the dinner check. 4. Leaving the Faculty Club, spouse is irritated by *paprazzi* and scantily clad groupies. 3. Getting kissed by King Olav *after* the herring appetizer. 2. Teenage prank callers say "Bayesian backpropagation," then giggle and hang up. 1. Never saw a nickel from Mattel's Nobel Prize Action Figures. From mcafee Fri Mar 3 23:36:42 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA16563; Fri, 3 Mar 95 23:36:42 CST Date: Fri, 3 Mar 1995 23:36:42 -0600 (CST) From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Bubba's Tunes To: joke-archive@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Tue, 14 Feb 95 10:44:23 CST From: R Preston McAfee To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Bubba's Tunes A Lubbock radio station (AM of course; they only have AM in Lubbock) is fond of saying it plays both kinds of music - Country and Western. The following titles are supposed to represent actual songs. At least some of them are: e.g. "You Done Stomped on My Heart, and Squashed that Sucker Flat" is in fact a real song, and features the refrain "You just sorta stomped my aorta" As for most of the others, I can't verify them. Bridge Washed Out, I Can't Swim and My Baby's on the Other Side C'mon Down off the Stove, Granny, You're Too Old to Ride the Range Do You Love As Good As You Look Does My Ring Hurt Your Finger (When You Go Out at Night) Does Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavor On The Bedpost Overnight? Don't Come Home a-Drinkin' With Lovin' On Your Mind Don't Let That Doorknob Hit You (on the Way Out) Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life Emotional Breakdown Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye Guess My Eyes Were Bigger Than My Heart Heaven's Just A Sin Away Hell Stays Open All Night Her Body Couldn't Keep You Off My Mind Her Cheatin' Heart Made A Drunken Fool Out Of Me Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure Here's A Quarter, Call Someone Who Cares How Can A Whiskey That's 6 Years Old Whup A Man That's 33? How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away? How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You ... ... When You Know I've Been A Liar All My Life? How Can a Whiskey Six Years Old Whip a Man That's 32? How Long Does It Take a Memory To Drown I Been Roped And Thrown By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral I Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me? I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life I Don't Know What Came Over Me (When I Came All Over You) I Don't Know Whether To Come Home Or Go Crazy I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling I Don't Want Your Body If Your Heart's Not In It I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart I Forgot How Bad My Good Woman Could Be I Got In At 2 With A 10 And Woke Up At 10 With A 2 I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except Mine I Just Bought A Car From The Guy That Stole My Girl, ... ... But The Car Don't Run, So I Figure We Got An Even Deal I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You I Kissed Her on the Lips, And Left Her Behind for You I Knew I'd Hit Rock Bottom When I Woke Up On Top Of Yew I Knew I'd Lean (But I Never Thought I'd Fall) I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well I Married a Moonshiner's Daughter and Now She Makes Me Likker I Married a Moonshiner's Daughter and Oh, How I Love Her Still I May Be Used (But Baby I Ain't Used Up) I Meant Every Word That He Said I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better I Think I'll Drink Myself Into the Past I Wanna Whip Your Cow I Wish I Were In Dixie Tonight, But She's Out Of Town I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck! I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win I Wouldn't Take You To A Dog Fight Even If I Thought You Could Win I'd Be Better Off in a Pine Box I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy I'll Get Over You As Soon As You Get Out From Under Him I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonite I'm Gettin' Gray From Being Blue I'm Gonna Build Me a Bar in the Back of My Car and Drive Myself to Drink I'm Gonna Hire A Wino To Decorate Our Home I'm Havin' Daydreams About Night Things In The Middle Of The Afternoon I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life I'm Not Married But The Wife Is I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here I'm The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart I've Been Roped and Throwed by Jesus in the Holy Ghost Corral I've Got Four On The Floor And A Fifth Under The Seat I've Got Red Eyes From Your White Lies And I'm Blue All The Time I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lying On My Back In My Bed While I Cry Over You I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line I've Got You on My Conscience But At Least You're Off My Back I've Got a Funny Feeling (I Won't Be Feeling Funny Very Long) I've Never Seen a Straight Banana If Drinkin' Don't Kill Me, Her Memory Will If Fingerprints Showed Up On Skin, Wonder Whose I'd Find On You If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now If I Had To Do It All Over Again, Babe, I'd Do It All Over You If I Said You Had A Beautiful Body, Would You Hold It Against Me? If It's Got To Be Later, How 'Bout Later Tonight? If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You If She Puts Lipstick On My Dipstick, I'll Fall In Love If The Jukebox Took Teardrops I'd Cry All Night Long If The Phone Don't Ring, Baby, You'll Know It's Me If Whiskey Were A Woman I'd Be Married For Sure If You Can Live With It (I Can Live Without It) If You Can't Feel It (It Ain't There) If You Don't Believe I Love You Just Ask My Wife If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will If You Keep Checking Up on Me (I'm Checking Out on You) If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too? It Ain't Love But It Ain't Bad It Don't Feel Like Sinnin' To Me It Don't Hurt Half as Bad as Holding You Feels Good It Takes Me All Night Long To Do What I Used To Do All Night Long Jesus Is a Good Ole Boy Lay Back Down and Love Me and Leave the Leavin' for Later On Learning To Live Again Without You Is Killing Me Let Me Love the Leavin' from Your Mind Love Will Beat Your Brains Out Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head) May The Bird Of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose My Every Day Silver Is Plastic My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart My Legs Won't Walk Away From You My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him Nervous Breakdown Nineteenth Foggy Mountain Breakdown Now I lay Me Down To Cheat Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down... ....But Baby I Can See Through You Oh, Lord! It's Hard To Be Humble When You're Perfect In Every Way Out Of My Head And Back In My Bed Pardon Me, I've Got Someone To Kill Pardon My Southern Movements, Miss Lou (?) Play Me or Trade Me Please Bypass This Heart She Can't Get My Love off the Bed She Even Woke Me Up to Say Goodbye She Feels Like A New Man Tonight She Gave Her Heart to Jethro and Her Body to the Whole Danged World She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart She Was Bred in Old Kentucky, But She's Just a Crumb Out Here She Was Only a Cattleman's Daughter, But All the Horsemen Knew 'Er. She's Got Freckles On Her, But She's Pretty She's Out Doing What I'm Here Doing Without. Sleeping Single in a Double Bed Somebody Must Have Loved You Right Last Night Somebody Shoot Out the Jukebox Swing Wide Your Gate Of Love Take Me to Heaven (Before You Take Me Home) Tennis Must Be Your Racket 'Cause Love Means Nothin' To You Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone The Last Word In Lonesome Is "me" The Pint of No Return The Wife of the Party The Worst You Ever Gave Me Was the Best I Ever Had There Ain't No Waste In My Baby's Love Canal They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out (or You May Put Me In Prison, But You Can't Keep My Face From Breakin' Out) This Time I'm Gonna Beat You to the Truck Timber, I'm Falling in Love Touch Me With More Than Your Hands Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart We Used to Just Kiss on the Lips But Now It's All Over What Made Milwaukee Famous (Has Made a Loser Out of Me) What's a Fool Like Me Doing In a Love Like This When We Get Back To the Farm (That's When We Really Go To Town) When You Leave, Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're Walking In ... (or Walk Out Backwards Slowly So I'll Think You're Walking In) Who You Gonna Believe, Me Or Your Lying Eyes? Who's Taking Care of the Caretaker's Daughter ... ... (While the Caretaker's Busy Taking Care)? Would Jesus Wear A Rolex on His Television Show? You Blacked My Blue Eyes Once Too Often You Can Tell the Man Who Boozes (By the Company He Chooses) You Can't Deal Me All The Aces And Expect Me Not To Play You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too You Can't Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd You Done Stomped on My Heart (and Smashed That Sucker Flat) ... (or You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat) You Hurt The Love Right Out Of Me You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life You Won't Be Back But George and Jack Will Help Me Make It Through The Night You'd Make an Angel Want to Cheat You're A Cross I Can't Bear You're Out Doing What I'm Here Doing Without You're Ruining My Bad Reputation You're the First Time I Thought About Leaving You're the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly Your Negligee Has Turned to Flannel Nightgowns From mcafee Fri Mar 3 23:37:13 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA16573; Fri, 3 Mar 95 23:37:13 CST Date: Fri, 3 Mar 1995 23:37:13 -0600 (CST) From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Not Strictly PC To: joke-archive@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Tue, 14 Feb 95 17:26:01 CST From: R Preston McAfee To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Not Strictly PC (fwd) > Date: Sun, 12 Feb 1995 15:53:05 EST > From: The Annals of Improbable Research > 1995-02-06 'Studmuffins of Science' Calendar > by Karen Hopkin > > Attention, afficionados of the academic Adonis. The curators of > the all-new Studmuffuns of Science Calendar seek photos and > biographical blurbs on the hottest young scientists from > astrophysics to zoology. Designed to give female students and > faculty members something to ogle while they run their gels or > prepare their grants, the calendar will feature a dozen of the > smartest and sexiest science studs around. We'll show these > brainy boys at work and at play... and reveal their intimate > secrets... their favorite board games, bacterial media, ftp sites, > and pasta recipes. > > Nominate yourself. Nominate your chairman. Nominate the poor > unsuspecting slob slaving away at the lab bench next to you. > Remember, if you have a Y chromosome and a PhD, you could be Dr. > December. > > We anxiously await your entries. Please send calendar candidate > photos to: Studmuffins of Science Calendar, c/o Karen Hopkin, > Producer, Talk of the Nation: Science Friday, WNYC Radio, One > Centre Street, New York, NY 10007 or c/o The Annals of Improbable > Research (address given below). If you have any recommendations > or would be interested in getting your hands on a copy of the > steamiest science calender ever conceived, drop us a line at > khopkin@npr.org. > > mini-AIR is an monthly electronic supplement to The Annals of > Improbable Research (AIR). It is available over the Internet, > free of charge. To subscribe, send a brief E-mail message to: > LISTSERV@MITVMA.MIT.EDU > The body of your message should contain ONLY the words > SUBSCRIBE MINI-AIR MARIE CURIE > (You may substitute your own name for that of Madame Curie.) > > This material posted with permission. > ------------------------------------------------------------ > (c) copyright 1995, The Annals of Improbable Research > ------------------------------------------------------------ > Let me know if any economists make the list. From mcafee Fri Mar 3 23:37:44 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA16583; Fri, 3 Mar 95 23:37:44 CST Date: Fri, 3 Mar 1995 23:37:43 -0600 (CST) From: R Preston McAfee Subject: Baseball Strike To: joke-archive@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Mon, 20 Feb 95 07:15:15 CST From: R Preston McAfee To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Baseball Strike The striking baseball players plan to have a picket line, but not walk it themselves. They will hire people to walk the line for them. From today's Boston Globe: "When you think about it, the players would make perfect picketers. They are good at throwing things and they are the sultans of spit. Expectoration always has been the weapon of choice on picket lines." From mcafee Wed Mar 8 10:55:07 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA18857; Wed, 8 Mar 95 10:55:07 CST Date: Wed, 8 Mar 95 10:55:07 CST From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9503081655.AA18857@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: How to turn English into German MEIHEM IN CE KLASRUM by Dolton Edwards (reprinted in A Stress Analysis of the Strapless Evening Gown, Prentice Hall). He: I M A B. She: U R! He: S, R U A B 2? She: O S, I M A B 2. R U N TV? He: S, I M A TV B. She: G! -Children's Primer, New Style Because we are still bearing some of the scars of our brief skirmish with II-B English, it is natural that we should be enchanted by Mr. George Bernard Shaw's proposal for a simplified alphabet. Obviously, as Mr. Shaw points out, English spelling is in much need of a general overhauling and streamlining. However, our own resistance to any changes requiring a large expenditure of mental effort in the near future would cause us to view with some apprehension the possibility of some day receiving a morning paper printed in - to us - Greek. Our own plan would achieve the same end as the legislation proposed by Mr. Shaw, but in a less shocking manner, as it consists merely of an acceleration of the normal processes by which the language is continually modernized. As a catalytic agent, we would suggest that a "National Easy Language Week" be proclaimed, which the President would inaugurate, outlining some short cut to concentrate on during the week, and to be adopted during the ensuing year. All school children would be given a holiday, the lost time being the equivalent of that gained by the spelling short cut. In 1972, for example, we would urge the elimination of the soft "c," for which we would substitute "s." Sertainly, such an improvement would be selebrated in all sivic-minded sircles as being suffisiently worth the trouble, and students in all sities in the land would be reseptive toward any change eliminating the nesessity of learning the differense between the two letters. In 1973, sinse only the hard "c" would be left, it would be possible to substitute "k" for it, both letters being pronounsed identikally. Imagine how greatly only two years of this prosess would klarify the konfusion in the minds of students. Already, we would have eliminated an entire letter from the alphabet. Typewriters and linotypes kould all be built with one less letter, and all the manpower and materials previously devoted to making "c's" kould be turned toward raising the national standard of living. In the fase of so many notable improvements, it is easy to foresee that by 1974 "National Easy Language Week" would be a pronounsed sukses. All skhool tshildren would be looking forward with konsiderable exsitement to the holdiday, and in a blaze of national publisity it would be announsed that the double konsonant "ph" no longer existed, and that the sound would henseforth be written "f" in all words. This would make sutsh words as "fonograf" twenty persent shorter in print. By 1975, publik interest in a fonetik alfabet kan be expekted to have inkreased to the point where a more radikal step forward kan be taken without fear of undue kritisism. We would therefore urge the elimination at that time of al unesesary double leters, whitsh, although quite harmles, have always ben a nuisanse in the language and a desided deterent to akurate speling. Try it yourself in the next leter you write, and se if both writing and reading are not fasilitated. With so mutsh progres already made, it might be posible in 1976 to delve further into the posibilities of fonetik speling. After due konsideration of the reseption aforded the previous steps, it should be expedient by this time to spel al difthongs fonetikaly. Most students do not realize that the long "i" and "y," as in "time" and "by," are aktualy the difthong "ai," as in "aisle," and that the long "a" in "fate," is in reality the difthong "ei" as in "rein." Although perhaps not imediately aparent, the saving in taime and efort wil be tremendous when we leiter elimineite the sailent "e," as meide posible bai this last tsheinge. For, as is wel known, the horible mes of "e's" apearing in our writen language is kaused prinsipaly bai the present nesesity of indikeiting whether a vowel is long or short. Therefore, in 1977 we kould simply elimineit al sailent "e's," and kontinu to read and wrait merily along as though we wer in an atomik ag of edukation. In 1978 we would urg a greit step forward. Sins bai this taim it would have ben four years sins anywun had used the leter "c," we would sugest that the "National Easy Languag Wek" for 1978 be devoted to substitution of "c" for "Th." To be sur it would be som taim befor peopl would bekom akustomd to reading ceir newspapers and buks wic sutsh setenses in cem as "Ceodor caught he had cre cousand cistls crust crough ce cik of his cumb." In ce seim maner, bai meking eatsh leter hav its own sound and cat sound only, we kould shorten ce languag stil mor. In 1979 we would elimineit ce "y"; cen in 1980 we kould us ce leter to indikeit ce "sh" sound, cerbai klarifaiing words laik yugar and yur, as wel as redusing bai wun more leter al words laik "yut," "yore," and so forc. Cink, cen, of al ce benefits to be geind bai ce distinktion whitsh wil cen be maid between words laik: ocean now written oyean machine now written mayin racial now written reiyial Al sutsh divers weis of wraiting wun sound would no longer exist, and whenever wun kaim akros a "y" sound he would know exaktli what to wrait. Kontinuing cis proses, year after year, we would eventuali hav a reali sensibl writen languag. By 1995, wi ventyur tu sei, cer wud bi no mor uv ces teribli trublsum difkultis, wic no tu leters usd to indikeit ce seim nois, and laikwais no tu noises riten wic ce seim leter. Even Mr. Yaw, wi beliv, wud be hapi in ce noleg cat his drims fainali keim tru. From mcafee Thu Mar 9 08:56:17 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA22387; Thu, 9 Mar 95 08:56:17 CST Date: Thu, 9 Mar 1995 08:56:16 -0600 (CST) From: R Preston McAfee X-Sender: mcafee@mundo To: joke-archive@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Subject: Fowl Philosophy Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII >Why did the chicken cross the road? > > Plato: For the greater good. > > Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability. > > Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a > chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross > the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the > strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? > In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained. > > Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its > pancreas. > > Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered > within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and > each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial > intent can never be discerned, because structuralism > is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD! > > Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find > out. > > Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would > let it take. > > Douglas Adams: Forty-two. > > Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes > also across you. > > B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its > sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a > fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while > believing these actions to be of its own free will. > > Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated > that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, > and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into >being. > > Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the > chicken found it necessary to cross the road. > > Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the > objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came > into being which caused the actualization of this > potential occurrence. > > Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed > the chicken depends upon your frame of reference. > > Aristotle: To actualize its potential. > > Buddha: If you meet the chicken on the road, kill it. > > Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing > events to grace the annals of history. An historic, > unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt > such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo > sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence. > > Salvador Dali: The Fish. > > Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees. > > Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death. > > Epicurus: For fun. > > Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it. > > Johann Friedrich von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it. > > Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain. > > Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was > on, but it was moving very fast. > > David Hume: Out of custom and habit. > > Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) > reason. > > Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road? > > The Sphinx: You tell me. > > Mr. T: If you saw me coming you'd cross the road too! > > Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out > of life. > > Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated. > > Molly Yard: It was a hen! > > Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side. > > Other: It was too far to walk around! > > Texan: To prove to the armadillio that it could be done. > >--------------------------=========!========-------------------------------- >John P. Hanna - johnh@cccd.edu Orange Coast College >Multimedia Services Costa Mesa, California >"The optimist believes that this is the best of all possible worlds and the >pessimist fears that he is right." - anonymous >--------------------------=========!========-------------------------------- From mcafee Thu Mar 9 19:53:59 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA23522; Thu, 9 Mar 95 19:53:59 CST Date: Thu, 9 Mar 1995 19:53:58 -0600 (CST) From: R Preston McAfee X-Sender: mcafee@mundo To: joke-archive@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Subject: Warning Labels Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII A CALL FOR MORE SCIENTIFIC TRUTH IN PRODUCT WARNING LABELS by Susan Hewitt and Edward Subitzky As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend towards legislation that requires the prominent placing of warnings on products that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautionary thought that such warnings, however well-intentioned, merely scratch the surface of what is really necessary in this important area. This is especially true in light of the findings of 20th century physics. We are therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists, we join together in an intensive push for new laws that will mandate the conspicuous placement of suitably informative warnings on the packaging of every product offered for sale in the United States of America. Our suggested list of warnings appears below. WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity. WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between Them. CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight. HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour. CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving. ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result. READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested Versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting this Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years. THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will Result. PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, in Any Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe. Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe. NOTE: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together by a "Gluing" Force About Which Little is Currently Known and Whose Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed. ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of 99.9999999999% Empty Space. NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The Manufacturer May Technically Be Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten- Dimensional. However, the Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions Are "Rolled Up" into Such a Small "Area" That They Cannot Be Detected. PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State. COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons, Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers, and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied. HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User. IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe, Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of This Product in That Universe Cannot Be Guaranteed. (from Volume 36, Number 1 of The Journal of Irreproducible Results Copyright 1991 Blackwell Scientific Publications Inc. 3 Cambridge Center, Cambridge MA 02141 Individual US Subscriptions $12.00 Reproduced with permission.) From mcafee Wed Mar 15 10:33:19 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA13467; Wed, 15 Mar 95 10:33:19 CST Date: Wed, 15 Mar 95 10:33:19 CST From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9503151633.AA13467@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Smelling a Rat ---------- Forwarded message ---------- From: Hal Varian To: Preston McAfee---UT Econ Dept SCENT SOFTWARE Idaho Computing has taken multimedia one sense further, by developing a PC add-in board that uses chemicals to generate scents on your computer. The $199 ScentMaster can produce 36 distinctive smells, such as "roses," "new car," "roasted coffee," and "dead animal in wall." The scent board functions in much the same way a sound card does, except instead of playing sounds, ScentMaster mixes three chemicals (primary scents) to produce the various aromas which are wafted into the atmosphere via a small spray-emitter module. Additional scent software is available and a Macintosh version is planned by the end of the year. For more information, send e-mail to idaho@netaxis.com. (Internet World, April '95 p.16) -------------------------------------------- As a reporter well known for checking facts (at least I did so once before), I thought you ought to know: From april@mecklermedia.com Date: Wed, 15 Mar 1995 11:20:39 -0500 From: april@mecklermedia.com Reply to: april-admin@mecklermedia.com To: mcafee@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Subject: Your mail to idaho@mecklermedia.COM Scent boards... what will they think of next? You're getting this auto-message because you read the April issue of Internet World, and responded to the News item about Idaho Computing's ScentMaster. Well, sorry to disappoint you, but in the age-old tradition of the Internet...April Fool (from the staff of Internet World and Idaho Computing)! See you on the Net... From mcafee Thu Mar 16 19:12:00 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA06296; Thu, 16 Mar 95 19:12:00 CST Date: Thu, 16 Mar 1995 19:11:59 -0600 (CST) From: R Preston McAfee X-Sender: mcafee@mundo To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Separating the men from the bonds Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII What is the difference between men and bonds? Bonds mature. From mcafee Fri Mar 17 15:21:24 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA02200; Fri, 17 Mar 95 15:21:24 CST Date: Fri, 17 Mar 1995 15:21:23 -0600 (CST) From: R Preston McAfee X-Sender: mcafee@mundo To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: GM Hotline Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII General Motors doesn't have a help line for people who don't know how to drive because people don't buy cars like they buy computers, but imagine if they did.... --- HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?" Customer: "I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!" HelpLine: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?" Customer: "What's an ignition?" HelpLine: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine." Customer: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all these technical terms just to use my car?" --- HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?" Customer: "My car ran fine for a week and now it won't go anywhere!" HelpLine: "Is the gas tank empty?" Customer: "Huh? How do I know?" HelpLine: "There's a little gauge on the front panel with a needle and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?" Customer: "It's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?" HelpLine: "It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay the vendor to install it for you." Customer: "What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!" --- HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?" Customer: "Your cars suck!" HelpLine: "What's wrong?" Customer: "It crashed, that's what wrong!" HelpLine: "What were you doing?" Customer: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while and then it crashed and it won't start now! HelpLine: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?" Customer: "I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't crash any more!" --- HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?" Customer: "Hi, I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks." HelpLine: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?" Customer: "How do I work it?" HelpLine: "Do you know how to drive?" Customer: "Do I know how to what?" HelpLine: "Do you know how to drive?" Customer: "I'm not a technical person. I just want to go places in my car!" Thanks to Luke Froeb. From mcafee Tue Mar 21 10:34:06 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA08844; Tue, 21 Mar 95 10:34:06 CST Date: Tue, 21 Mar 1995 10:34:05 -0600 (CST) From: R Preston McAfee X-Sender: mcafee@mundo To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Ivy League Light Bulb Jokes Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII How many Princeton students does it take to change a lightbulb? Two---one to mix the martinis and one to call the electrician. How many Brown students does it take to change a lightbulb? Eleven---one to change the lightbulb and ten to share the experience. How many Dartmouth students does it take to change a lightbulb? None---Hanover doesn't have electricity. How many Cornell students does it take to change a lightbulb? Two---One to change the lightbulb and one to crack under the pressure. How many Penn students does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but he gets six credits for it. How many Columbia students does it take to change a lightbulb? Seventy-six---one to change the lightbulb, fifty to protest the lightbulb's right to not change, and twenty-five to hold a counter-protest. How many Yale students does it take to change a lightbulb? None---New Haven looks better in the dark. How many Harvard students does it take to change a lightbulb? One---he holds the bulb and the world revolves around him. ______________________________________________________________________________ "The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of miseries" -Winston Churchill Thanks to Dereka Rushbrook. From mcafee Tue Mar 21 22:00:13 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA25651; Tue, 21 Mar 95 22:00:13 CST Date: Tue, 21 Mar 1995 22:00:12 -0600 (CST) From: R Preston McAfee X-Sender: mcafee@mundo To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: MIT Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII Date: Sun, 15 Jan 95 18:48:44 CST From: R Preston McAfee "Nerd City. A place where everyone talks in numbers, chats via e-mail, and studies all night. Yep, that's MIT. The buildings and majors and classes have numbers instead of names. The place is swarming with rocket scientists, computer scientists, social scientists, and probably a few mad scientists. And students never leave the lab. No parties, no dates, no fun." -The MIT Admissions Brochure [The brochure later denies this stereotype] "Deconstruct everything, systematically whine about systems, join the hordes of politically-correct oppressors, and fight sexism, homophobia, classism, and military research at MIT." - The Thistle, an MIT student publication From mcafee Tue Mar 21 22:03:16 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA25699; Tue, 21 Mar 95 22:03:16 CST Date: Tue, 21 Mar 1995 22:03:15 -0600 (CST) From: R Preston McAfee X-Sender: mcafee@mundo To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Tobacco Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII Date: Fri, 3 Feb 95 22:08:04 CST From: R Preston McAfee A younger woman comes into a busy restaurant where an older woman is eating her lunch and lights up a cigarette. The older woman looks at her in disgust and says "I would rather commit adultery then smoke a cigarette". The younger one replies "So would I, but I only have 45 minutes for lunch." --------------------------- Something to remember the next time you find yourself lonely and alone in a hotel room somewhere: kissing a smoker is like kissing an ashtray. From mcafee Tue Mar 21 22:11:09 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA25774; Tue, 21 Mar 95 22:11:09 CST Date: Tue, 21 Mar 1995 22:11:08 -0600 (CST) From: R Preston McAfee X-Sender: mcafee@mundo To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: The Lone Hacker Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII So I'm down in Arivaca, little backcountry town near the border, eating lunch at that diner on the cutoff road that goes past Ruby ghost town and over the hill to Pena Blanca Lake, and I'm wearing my "The Internet Is Full - Go Away!" t-shirt. By and by a guy who's been sitting at the counter drinking coffee finishes up, pays the waitress, and heads for the door. Just before he gets there my shirt catches his eye. He stares at it for about ten seconds, then finally says, real slow, "That's a damn unfriendly message you got there. Where the hell'd you get that shirt, anyway?" He's about 6'2", built solid, with green stains on the bottom of his Levis that say "Yep, it's horseshit, want to make something of it?" I figure I better answer. "This guy called Joel Furr in North Carolina makes them." He looks at his knuckles for just a second, then looks up at me again. "Furr, huh? So he thinks the Internet is full?" "Well, it's just supposed to be a joke, you know..." "Come on out to my truck," he says. I must be looking green, because he gives a little laugh and says, "Hell, I'm not gonna kick your ass, wouldn't be worth the bother. Got somethin' to show you, seein' as you're an expert on the Internet and all." So I follow him out to a middling-old Ford truck that has all the usual in the bed, hay scraps, shovels, wire snips, a couple empty boxes of .30-.30 shells. But he reaches into the cab and pulls out a ThinkPad hooked to a cellular modem, puts it on the hood, and turns it on. Fires up Telix, then tells me to turn around until he says I can look again. When he says I can look, I see he's logged in to an indirect.com shell account. "Now you just watch," he says. So he types in "telnet acpub.duke.edu", and at the login prompt he types "root". Then he says, "OK, You know the routine," so I turn around again, and when he says I can turn back I'll be damned if he doesn't have a "#" prompt. It goes pretty quick from there. "ex /etc/passwd", he types. Gets a colon prompt. "/jfurr/d", he types, then "wq". Then goes up to /usr/adm and does some stuff with the wtmp and log files so fast I can't really follow, and then logs out. He puts the Thinkpad back in the truck, gets in, and turns on the ignition. Then he turns to me and says, with the first hint of a smile, "I figure there's one more parking space open on the Information Highway now," and guns the motor. Just as he's driving off I kind of wake up a little bit and yell: "Hey! Joel will get back on, you know!" And without looking even looking back he yells, "Yeah, and when he does, you let him know who booted him off, and why!" * * * So when I get back into the cafe I ask the waitress, "That guy come around here a lot?" And she says, "Yeah, but it's okay, he was just teasin' you, he must 'a liked you." And I say, "Jeez, what does he do to people he *doesn't* like?" And before she could answer, this little scrunched-up farmer down at the end of the counter says, without even looking up from his coffee, "That there Life Flight helicopter down from Tucson had a hell of a time landin' outside, time he ran into that lawyer couple from Phoenix in here." I got out of there as quick as I politely could, but as I was pulling out the lettering on the door caught my eye again, and this time I wondered if maybe it wasn't just some bad garbled attempt at a Spanish name: the TERRA PNEQ Cafe. Looked at it in my rear-view mirror to see if it made any more sense that way and it didn't, so I hit the road. Back in town, when I got off I-10 at Speedway the usual guy with the "work for food" sign was on the traffic island. So I pull off the shirt and give it to him. He thanks me and looks at the shirt. "The Internet is full? What's that mean?" "I don't know," I say. "Just don't wear it down in Arivaca." Then the light changes, and I'm gone. * * * P.S. Don't know if Joel ever got back on, but finger jfurr@acpub.duke.edu just hangs, and that's an ominous sign if you ask me. From mcafee Wed Mar 22 10:39:35 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA13621; Wed, 22 Mar 95 10:39:35 CST Date: Wed, 22 Mar 1995 10:39:34 -0600 (CST) From: R Preston McAfee X-Sender: mcafee@mundo To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: More Redneck Definitions. Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII This has some duplication to previously sent material. You know you're a redneck....if... If you own more than 3 shirts with cut off sleeves If you have ever spraypainted your girlfriend's name on an overpass. If you consider a six-pack and a bug zapper quality entertainment. If your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. If someone asks to see your I.D. and you show them your belt buckle. If your mother does not remove the Marlboro Light from her mouth before telling the state patrolman to kiss her ass. If the primary color of your car is bondo. If directions to your house include "turn off the paved road...." If your dog and your wallet are both on a chain. If you owe the taxidermist more than your annual income. If you ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle. If Jack Daniels makes your list of most admired people. If your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan. If you see no need to stop at a rest stop because you have an empty milk jug in the car. If you have a rag for a gas cap. If you ever bar-b-que Spam on the grill. If your brother-in-law is also your uncle. If Redman chewing tobacco sends you a Christmas card. If you bought a VCR because wrestling comes on when you're at work. If your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade. If you view your next family reunion as a chance to meet girls. If your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive. If your house doesn't have any curtains but your truck does. If your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs. If you think "Volvo" is part of a woman's anatomy. If you consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it. If you need one more hole punched in your card before you get a freebie at the "house of Tatoos" If your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening at the lube rack. If after making love you have to ask your date to roll down the window. If anyone in your family has ever worn a tube top to a wedding. If you have a picture of Willie Nelson or Johnny Cash over the fireplace. If your idea of safe sex is a padded headboard. If you think BMWs are the call letters for a radio station. If you own a belt buckle that weighs more than 3 pounds. If you've ever been to a funeral where there are more pickup trucks than cars. From mcafee Sun Mar 26 22:23:26 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA24103; Sun, 26 Mar 95 22:23:26 CST Date: Sun, 26 Mar 1995 22:23:25 -0600 (CST) From: R Preston McAfee X-Sender: mcafee@mundo To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Various Viruses Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII List of newly discovered viruses BOBBIT VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re- attaches it. (But that part will never work again.) OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB. AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting. MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus. PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:>. POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism." RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives. ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits. MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run. TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor. ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back. DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining into a binary network. DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2: Their is sumthing rong wit your komputer, ewe jsut cant figyour out watt! GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine. NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it. FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer. GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error.) TERRY RANDLE VIRUS: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort" "Retry" "Fail" message. TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file. ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple. CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem. AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore. FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard. PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money. ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America. OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder. NIKE VIRUS: Just does it. SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks. JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again. CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything. KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy. IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy. STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before. HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500. GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs....No new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus. CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT. LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self defense". CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it. ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS: Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars, it's programmer will take it back. Thanks to Barry Nalebuff. From mcafee Sun Mar 26 22:37:55 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA24272; Sun, 26 Mar 95 22:37:55 CST Date: Sun, 26 Mar 1995 22:37:55 -0600 (CST) From: R Preston McAfee X-Sender: mcafee@mundo To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: A step down in the world Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII From today's NY Times week in review feature on welfare reform MARK FOLEY, Republican of Florida: I worked as a dishwasher. I cleaned toilets...I was a wrecker, an auto mechanic. I worked at a golf course. Now I am a proud menber of the United States Congress. No job is beneath me. Thanks to Charlie Brown. From mcafee Tue Mar 28 00:19:54 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA23129; Tue, 28 Mar 95 00:19:54 CST Date: Tue, 28 Mar 1995 00:19:54 -0600 (CST) From: R Preston McAfee X-Sender: mcafee@mundo To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Just Because Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII WHY ASK WHY? ------------ Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive? Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there? Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors? If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan? If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen? If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights? You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"? Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM? Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo? You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance? Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? _____________________________ Did you know who in 1923 was: 1. President of the largest steel company? 2. President of the largest gas company? 3. President of the New York Stock Exchange? 4. Greatest wheat speculator? 5. President of the Bank of International Settlement? 6. Great Bear of Wall Street? These men should have been considered some of the world's most successful men. At least they found the secret of making money. Now more than 55 years later, do you know what has become of these men? 1. The President of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a pauper. 2. The President of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, is insane. 3. The President of the N.Y.S.E., Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home. 4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless. 5. The President of the Bank of International Settlement shot himself. 6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Rivermore, died of suicide. The same year, 1923, the winner of the most important golf championship, Gene Sarazan, won the U.S. Open and PGA Tournaments. Today he is still playing golf and is solvent. CONCLUSION: STOP WORRYING ABOUT BUSINESS AND START PLAYING GOLF _______________________________________ Thanks to Dereka Rushbrook. From mcafee Wed Mar 29 10:36:24 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA05008; Wed, 29 Mar 95 10:36:24 CST Date: Wed, 29 Mar 95 10:36:24 CST From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9503291636.AA05008@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: For the Emotionally Challenged, Part I A friend of mine, describing his relationship difficulties, remarked to me recently "Never get involved with a woman who has read Holmstrom." This seemed like very good advice to me, so I sought input from some friends who might be described as relatively experienced at starting and ending relationships, with an eye to collecting the more salient tipoffs that one is flirting with a Date From Hell. I asked these individuals to limit themselves to just a tinge of bitterness, so was at least a little alarmed to receive "Never get involved with a man." from an ex-girlfriend. In any case, here is the wisdom collected so far. If you have anything to add, by all means send it to me and I'll put out a part II. Never get involved with a woman who asks you to sign a dating contract (or at least read the fine print). brings her boyfriend, lawyer, mother or rottweiler on the first date. plays the accordian. wonders why there is no second hand market for wedding rings. has more wine glasses than water glasses. will try anything she thinks she can beat you at. asks for your date, time and place of birth before she'll date you. takes a waffle iron on vacations. collects Haitian voodoo dolls and has one for any occasion. says you remind her of her ex-husband. says her late husband died of food poisoning. Never get involved with a man who considers warm Pop-Tarts cooking. has a tattoo captioned "Mother." has the bumper sticker "You're thinker than I drunk I am." evaluates his beer consumption in kegs. thinks Cheerios taste great in beer. wants to have sex on the first date, but only once. can't open a bra that hooks in front. uses an egg timer to monitor foreplay. considers driving to the apartment part of foreplay. agonizes over asking you on a date, then tells you about it. needs instructions to operate the washing machine. has a vacuum still in the original carton unopened. ______________________________________ If you send these out to others, they can subscribe by sending an email to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu that says subscribe joke in the message text (not the subject). Sending the email unsubscribe joke reverses the process. Sending who joke will get you a list of subscribers. A partial history of the joke network is now available over gopher. Contact UTexas' gopher (type gopher gopher@eco.utexas.edu), choose item 11. Mailing Lists, then subitem 5. Joke. I'm told Ann Landers reprinted Why God Never Received Tenure at the University, and in honor of this, I reprint it here. As to the actual history, I don't recall where I got items 1-8, but I added items 9-14, and Phil Reny suggested items 15-6. Why God Never Received Tenure at the University ----------------------------------------------- 1. Because he had only one major publication. 2. And it was in Hebrew. 3. And it had no references. 4. And it wasn't published in a refereed journal. 5. And some even doubt he wrote it himself. 6. It may be true that he created the world but what has he done since? 7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited. 8. The scientific community has had a very rough time trying to replicate his results. 9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects. 10. When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects. 11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he often punished them, or just deleted them from the sample. 12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book. 13. He had his son teach the class. 14. He expelled his first two students for learning. 15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his tests. 16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top. From mcafee Wed Apr 5 16:51:20 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA10688; Wed, 5 Apr 95 16:51:20 CDT Date: Wed, 5 Apr 95 16:51:20 CDT Message-Id: <9504052151.AA10688@eco.utexas.edu> From: mcafee To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Model Citizens The insights of the supermodels. ON COURAGE "They were doing a full back shot of me in a swimsuit and I thought, Oh my God, I have to be so brave. See, every woman hates herself from behind." -- Cindy Crawford ON SELF-KNOWLEDGE "Everywhere I went, my cleavage followed. But I learned I am not my cleavage." -- Carole Mallory ON POVERTY "Everyone should have enough money to get plastic surgery." -- Beverly Johnson ON FATE "I wish my butt did not go sideways, but I guess I have to face that." -- Christie Brinkley ON PSYCHOLOGY "I loved making 'Rising Sun'. I got into the psychology of why she liked to get strangled and tied up in plastic bags. It has to do with low self-worth." -- Tatjana Patitz ON ARRIVING "Because modeling is lucrative, I'm able to save up and be more particular about the acting roles I take." -- Kathy Ireland, star of 'Alien From L.A.' and 'Danger Island' ON CAREER CHOICES "My boyfriend thinks I lost my true calling to be a librarian." -- Paulina Porizkova ON PRIORITIES "I would rather exercise than read a newspaper." -- Kim Alexis ON GEOPOLITICS "Mick Jagger and I just really liked each other a lot. We talked all night. We had the same views on nuclear disarmament." -- Jerry Hall ON INNER STRENGTH "I love the confidence that makeup gives me." -- Tyra Banks ON DEATH "Richard doesn't really like me to kill bugs, but sometimes I can't help it." -- Cindy Crawford ON TRAVEL "I haven't seen the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame, the Louvre. I haven't seen anything. I don't really care." -- Tyra Banks ON BREAKTHROUGHS "Once I got past my anger toward my mother, I began to excel in volleyball and modeling." -- Gabrielle Reece ON EPIPHANY "I just found out that I'm one inch taller than I thought." -- Christie Brinkley ON HEREDITY "My husband was just OK looking. I was in labor and I said to him, 'What if she's ugly? You're ugly.'" -- Beverly Johnson ON THE BASICS "It's very important to have the right clothing to exercise in. If you throw on an old T-shirt or sweats, it's not inspiring for your workout." -- Cheryl Tiegs ON INTRODUCTIONS "I think most people are curious about what it would be like to be able to meet yourself -- it's eerie." -- Christy Turlington ON COURTSHIP "The soundtrack to 'Indecent Exposure' is a romantic mix of music that I know most women love to hear, so I never keep it far from me when women are nearby." -- Fabio ON PARADOX "Sometimes I get lonely, but it's nice to be alone." -- Tatjana Patitz ON THE CONSERVATION OF MATTER "I've looked in the mirror every day for 20 years. It's the same face." -- Claudia Schiffer ON TRAGEDY "The worst was when my skirt fell down to my ankles -- but I had on thick tights underneath." -- Naomi Campbell ON INSTINCT "If I'm making a movie and get hungry, I call time-out and eat some crackers." -- Carol Alt ON THE CASTE SYSTEM "We're not Prince Charles and Princess Di. We don't think of ourselves as royalty. We happen to be working people." -- Christie Brinkley ON OCCUPATIONAL HAZARDS "I tried on 250 bathing suits in one afternoon and ended up having little scabs up and down my thighs, probably from some of those with sequins all over them." -- Cindy Crawford ON ECONOMICS "I don't wake up for less than $10,000 a day." -- Linda Evangelista ON ZEN "When I model I pretty blank. You can't think too much or it doesn't work." -- Paulina Porizkova ON LOGIC "I think, If my butt's not too big for them to be photographing it, then it shouldn't be too big for me." -- Christy Turlington ON BODY PARTS "I don't know what to do with my arms. It just makes me feel weird and I feel like people are looking at me and that makes me nervous." -- Tyra Banks ON BODY LANGUAGE "You can usually tell when I'm happy by the fact that I've gained weight." -- Christy Turlington ON DEPRIVATION "If they had Nautilus on the Concorde, I would work out all the time." -- Linda Evangelista ON MOTIVATION "It was kind of boring for me to have to eat. I would know that I had to, and I would." -- Kate Moss ON VERSATILITY "I can do anything you want me to do so long as I don't have to speak." -- Linda Evangelista ON THE GRIEF PROCESS "When my Azzedine jacket from 1987 died, I wrapped it up in a box, attached a note saying where it came from and took it to the Salvation Army. It was a big loss." -- Veronica Webb ON VENGEANCE "Girls are always getting mad at each other and they tell their hairdresser to purposely mess up another girl's hair." -- Tasha ON BATTING .667 "I'm a pretty girl who's a model who doesn't suck as an actress." -- Cameron Diaz From mcafee Sun Apr 9 18:52:59 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA12816; Sun, 9 Apr 95 18:52:59 CDT Date: Sun, 9 Apr 95 18:52:59 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9504092352.AA12816@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Good Idea The city of Somerville, MA (which adjoins Cambridge), has a course in Kindergarten called "Creative Spelling." Somerville second-graders score at the 7th percentile (nationwide) in spelling. For those who think the nation's school districts are too lenient, today's NY Times offers: NO BOILERMAKERS ALLOWED: The Syracuse, NY, School District banned the colors of black and gold. AW, SHEESH, EVERYONE WILL THINK I'M CARRYING A CONCEALED WEAPON: Broward County, Fla, bans boxer shorts, bloomers and bustiers, or items "traditionally designed as undergarments but worn as outergarments." THE FOOTBALL TEAM IS KNOWN AS THE DORKS: The Wills County, Ill, school district prohibits students from wearing sandals without socks. THE CRYBOYS OR THE FORTY-WHINERS LOGO IS ACCEPTABLE: The Los Angeles school district bans students from wearing LA Raiders jackets. WEAR LEVI'S LIKE YOUR PARENTS DID: The Mumford High School (Detroit) prohibits "fancy clothes," including fur coats and gold jewelry. BUT THE RAIN KEEPS EXTINGUISHING MY CIGARETTE: The Seattle Public Schools prohibit chewing tobacco from all but a handful of campuses. From mcafee Sun Apr 9 20:08:15 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA14098; Sun, 9 Apr 95 20:08:15 CDT Date: Sun, 9 Apr 95 20:08:15 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9504100108.AA14098@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Doctor of What? From today's NY Times Magazine: Dr. Alan R. Hirsch, director of the Smell and Taste Treatment and Research Foundation in Chicago, has determined that certain odors can increase blood flow to the penis, contributing to erections. A preliminary experiment suggested that foods like cinnamon buns had the desired effect. A later test of 31 men from ages 18 to 64 showed that the food odor that worked most powerfully was a combination of pumpkin pie and lavender. One might imagine that it suggests a combination of delicate femininity and robust domesticity. But then how to explain some of the other exciting odors like licorice and doughnut, or pumpkin pie and doughnut, Nos. 2 and 3 in order of stimulating effect. From mcafee Mon Apr 10 10:05:52 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA03920; Mon, 10 Apr 95 10:05:52 CDT Date: Mon, 10 Apr 95 10:05:52 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9504101505.AA03920@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Recent News THIS JUST IN for 2 April 1995 Copyright 1995 by Randy Cassingham ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A 300-pound statue of the cherubic "Big Boy", the mascot of the Big Boy hamburger restaurant chain, was stolen from the front of a Toledo, Ohio outlet and hacked to pieces by 10 boys, who are now up on charges. Various "body parts" were found around town after the ...er... kidnapping, each with a note attached that said "Big Boy is Dead" (except for one that said "Big Boy is almost dead. Nevermind. Now he's dead.") and signed "Pimps of pimplyness." Why? "We were bored," said Tom Martinez, 18, the Gang of 10's spokesman. He noted the stunt "was a lot of fun," but "a pretty stupid thing to do." (AP) Eight men from Papua New Guinea on a five-hour boat trip ended up lost at sea for three months. Half of the crew died, but four lived through the ordeal, landing recently on Tuvalu. They survived by grabbing sharks out of the water and eating them. "We just grabbed them by the tail," one of the men said. (Reuter) A panel discussing extended space flight at Virginia Tech last week suggested that a private place be maintained for astronauts to socialize. "No doubt about it, if we do go to Mars, it's going to be a mixed crew," said Dwight Holland, one of the panelists. A trip to Mars and back would take several years. Former astronaut Jon McBride agreed: "It's going to be the most complicated thing we'll ever do in space flight," he said, presumably talking about the length of the mission, rather than how the crew would spend their off hours. Another panelist, who spent two years sealed in the "Biosphere II" experiment, agrees that privacy is essential. "Especially acoustical privacy," he said. (AP) Hamilton, N.J. pizza delivery man Ryan Kemble, 20, delivered more than just pizza, police say. Customers using a special order code could get marijuana delivered with their pies. Undercover officers managed to buy some pot from him, they say, but they waited until he finished his deliveries before arresting him. "We know what it's like to be waiting for that pizza to come," a police spokesman said. (Reuter) David Weeks, a psychologist from the University of Edinburgh, has been studying eccentrics for 10 years. His conclusion: oddballs are happier than regular people. And the best part: regular people can become eccentric if they work at it. "Why should we continue to groom ourselves properly and comport ourselves according to social convention while those who flout convention seem to be having the time of their life?" Weeks asks. The best way to start on the road to oddballality is to become unemployed -- eccentrics need a lot of leisure time, he says. (AP) Britain's Prince Charles has been promoting a new health drink made from herbs grown in his gardens, with proceeds going to a charity he set up. Don't like the idea of an organically grown health drink? "I'm sure you could add a drop of vodka," Charles suggests. The prince also admits that he likes to talk to plants, calling himself "potty and dotty". (Reuter) Barry Lyn Stoller, 38, wasn't satisfied with the results of his laxative, so he demanded a refund. But rather than refunding the $1.99 that Stoller paid for the product, Sandoz Corp. mailed the Seattle man a check for $98,002 -- Stoller's Zip Code. According to investigators, Stoller deposited the check, then cashed out his account when it didn't bounce. He also moved out of his apartment, leaving no forwarding address. A arrest warrant charging Stoller with first degree theft has been issued. (AP) Jessi Winchester is running in the "Mrs. Nevada" pageant, having won the "Mrs. Virginia City" competition. But critics complain that the 52-year-old grandmother isn't representative of Virginia City because of her profession: she's a prostitute at the Moonlight Bunny Ranch, a legal brothel. Supporters disagree: "She represents what this town and Nevada is all about. That's self-reliance, self- respect and independence," says Michael Winchester, her husband. (AP) NOW YOU TELL ME: "Ernie Pyle Died 50 Years Ago" -- AP headline From mcafee Mon Apr 10 19:14:53 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA29626; Mon, 10 Apr 95 19:14:53 CDT Date: Mon, 10 Apr 1995 19:14:53 -0500 (CDT) From: R Preston McAfee X-Sender: mcafee@mundo To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Mostly Old Economics Jokes Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII Man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep. Tells the shepherd, "I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock." The shepherd thinks it over; it's a big flock, so he takes the bet. "973," says the man. The shepherd is astonished because that is exactly right. Says "OK, I'm a man of my word, take an animal." Man picks one up and begins to walk away. "Wait," cries the shepherd, "let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation." Man says sure. "You are an economist for a government think tank," says the shepherd. "Amazing!" responds the man. "You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that?" "Well," says the shepherd, "put down my dog and I will tell you." _________________________________________________________________ Two men are flying in a captive balloon. The wind is ugly, they deviate from their course, and they have no idea where they are. So they go down to 20 m above ground and ask a passing wanderer, "Could you tell us where we are?" "You are in a balloon." So the one pilot says to the other: "The answer is perfectly right and absolutely useless. The man must be an economist" "Then you must be businessmen," answers the man. "That's right! How did you know?" "You have such a good view from where you are, and yet you don't know where you are!" _________________________________________________________________ Light bulb jokes are always in. . . Q: How many Chicago School economists does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. If the light bulb needed changing the market would have already done it. _________________________________________________________________ Q: How many mainstream economists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to change the bulb and one to assume the existence of ladders. _________________________________________________________________ Q: How many conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb? A1: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself. A2: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in. The above light bulb jokes were stolen from an article in _The_Wharton_Journal_, Feb. 21, 1994, by Selena Maranjian, who undoubtedly pilfered the humor from someone else. Q: How many Boston U. M.A.'s does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, if you hire me. I can actually change the light bulb by myself. As you can see from my resume, I've had extensive experience changing light bulbs in my previous positions. I've also been named to the Boston Light Bulb list, and am presently a teaching assistant for Light Bulb Management 666. My only weakness is that I'm compulsive about changing light bulbs in my spare time. _________________________________________________________________ Q: How many B.U. doctoral students does it take to change a light bulb? A: I'm writing my dissertation on that topic; I should have an answer for you in about 5 years. _________________________________________________________________ Q:Why did God create economists? A:In order to make weather forecasters look good. _________________________________________________________________ An econometrician and an astrologer are arguing about their subjects. The astrologer says, "Astrology is more scientific. My predictions come out right half the time. Yours can't even reach that proportion." The econometrician replies, "That's because of external shocks. Stars don't have those." _________________________________________________________________ A totalitarian head of state requested an economist with one arm to advise the government. Why? Because he was tired of economists who say: "Well, on one hand... But on the other hand..." _________________________________________________________________ An economist is someone who didn't have enough personality to become an accountant. _________________________________________________________________ Q: What is a recent economics graduate's usual question in his first job? A: What would you like to have with your french fries, sir? _________________________________________________________________ A central banker walks into a pizzeria to order a pizza. When the pizza is done, he goes up to the counter to get it. There, a clerk asks him: "Should I cut it into six pieces or eight pieces?" The central banker replies: "I'm feeling rather hungry right now. You'd better cut it into eight pieces." _________________________________________________________________ Reproduced below is an Economist Joke that illustrates the separate facilities solution to an externality problem. Three guys decide to play a round of golf: a priest, a psychologist, and an economist. They get behind a *very* slow twosome, who, despite a caddy, are taking all day to line up their shots and four-putting every green, and so on. By the 8th hole, the three men are complaining loudly about the slow play ahead and swearing a blue streak. The priest says, "Holy Mary, I pray that they should take some lessons before they play again." The psychologist says, "I swear there are people that like to play golf slowly." The economist says, "I really didn't expect to spend this much time playing a round of golf." By the 9th hole, they have had it with the slow play, so the psychologist goes to the caddy and demands that they be allowed to play through. The caddy says OK, but then explains that the two golfers are blind, that both are retired firemen who lost their eyesight saving people in a fire, that that explains their slow play, and that would they please not swear and complain so loud. The priest is mortified; he says, "Here I am a man of the cloth and I've been swearing at the slow play of two blind men." The psychologist is also mortified; he says, "Here I am a man trained to help others with their problems, and I've been complaining about the slow play of two blind men." The economist ponders the situation. Finally, he goes back to the caddy and says, "Listen, the next time, could they play at night?" _________________________________________________________________ A physicist, a chemist and an economist are stranded on an island with nothing to eat. A can of soup washes ashore. The physicist says, "Let's smash the can open with a rock." The chemist says, "Let's build a fire and heat the can first." The economist says, "Let's assume that we have a can-opener..." _________________________________________________________________ Q: What's the difference between a finance major and an economics major? A: Opportunity Cost _________________________________________________________________ An economist, a philosopher, a biologist, and an architect were arguing about what was God's real profession. The philosopher said, "Well, first and foremost, God is a philosopher because he created the principles by which man is to live." "Ridiculous!" said the biologist. "Before that, God created man and woman and all living things, so clearly he was a biologist." "Wrong," said the architect. "Before that, he created the heavens and the earth. Before the earth, there was only complete confusion and chaos!" "Well," said the economist, "where do you think the chaos came from?" _________________________________________________________________ The First Law of Economists: For every economist, there exists an equal and opposite economist. The Second Law of Economists: They're both wrong. _________________________________________________________________ If all the economists were laid end to end... a) it would be a good thing b) they would be more comfortable c) they would never reach a conclusion d) all of the above e) none of the above _________________________________________________________________ Two economists are walking down the street. One sees a dollar lying on the sidewalk, and says so. "Obviously not," says the other. "If there were, someone would have picked it up!" _________________________________________________________________ We have 2 classes of forecasters: Those who don't know . . . and those who don't know they don't know. - John Kenneth Galbraith _________________________________________________________________ Murphy's law of economic policy: Economists have the least influence on policy where they know the most and are most agreed; they have the most influence on policy where they know the least and disagree most vehemently. - Alan S. Blinder _________________________________________________________________ Economists don't answer questions others make because they know what the answer is. They answer because they are asked. _________________________________________________________________ There is also a joke about the last May Day parade in the Soviet Union. After the tanks and the troops and the planes and the missiles rolled by, there came ten men dressed in black. "Are they spies?" asked Gorby. "They are economists," replied the KGB director. "Imagine the havoc they will wreak when we set them loose on the Americans." _________________________________________________________________ The mathematician's child and the economist's child were in the third grade together, and the teacher asked, "If one man with one shovel can dig a ditch in ten days, how long would it take ten men with ten shovels to dig the same ditch?" Both children raised their hands. The teacher said to the mathematician's child, "Johnny, how long?" Little Johnny said, "One day, teacher." The teacher looked at the economist's child and said, "John Maynard, is that right?" Little John Maynard said, "Teacher, it all depends..." _________________________________________________________________ Given 1000 economists, there will be 10 theoretical economists with different theories on how to change the light bulb and 990 empirical economists laboring to determine which theory is the *correct* one, and everyone will still be in the dark. From mcafee Tue Apr 11 07:58:31 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA15999; Tue, 11 Apr 95 07:58:31 CDT Date: Tue, 11 Apr 95 07:58:31 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9504111258.AA15999@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Competent Defense From yesterday's Boston Globe: Miami: Sorcery has become so rampant at Miami's county courthouse that officials have created a "voodoo squad," whose job is to clean up dead chickens and goats, as well as corn, eggs and other items each morning. "Sometimes we find one chicken, sometimes we find three or four," said Raul Guasp, a courthouse maintenance man. "It all depends on who is on trial." Some of the defendants in Dade County are Cuban and Haitian natives who turn to spirits for a little help with their legal troubles. The squad canvasses the courthouse grounds early each morning to pick up dead animals, charms and other objects offered up by relatives of defendants. Courthouse officials said someone once released a white pigeon inside a courtroom. And in another, two dead lizards - their mouths tied shut with twine - were found during a break in a cocaine trial. Items commonly found include corn kernels, which are supposed to speed up a trial date; eggs, which make a case collapse; cakes, which sweeten a judge's attitude toward a defendant, and black pepper, to keep someone jailed. From mcafee Tue Apr 11 14:09:35 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA28710; Tue, 11 Apr 95 14:09:35 CDT Date: Tue, 11 Apr 95 14:09:35 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9504111909.AA28710@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: While we're here... WEST JORDAN, Utah--An argument between members of a family attending a funeral viewing erupted in gunfire Monday afternoon, killing a 32-year-old man. West Jordan Police Chief Ken McGuire said members of the extended family of Aaron Lee Greuber began arguing about the cause of his death and other funeral arrangements when a 32-year-old woman pulled a pistol and shot Terry Stewart, of Magna, to death about 1:30 PM (MT). The woman was taken into custody without incident at the Memorial Estates Funeral Home in West Jordan, a rural suburb 10 miles southwest of Salt Lake City. The chief did not know the exact relationships between the suspect, the slain man and Greuber. (From AP) ______________________________________________________________ Thanks to Leonardo Auernheimer From mcafee Tue Apr 18 10:46:40 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA25041; Tue, 18 Apr 95 10:46:40 CDT Date: Tue, 18 Apr 95 10:46:40 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9504181546.AA25041@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: This Week's News. THIS JUST IN for 9 April 1995 A South African Airways jet carrying 300 passengers from England to South Africa had to turn back and make an emergency landing. Flatulence from 72 stud pigs in its cargo hold set off a fire alarm, causing the automatic release of fire-suppressing halon gas -- which suffocated 15 of the pigs. The "prize" pigs were on the passenger plane because passenger flights are "less traumatic than going on a freighter flight," an airline spokesman said. (Reuter) Anath Patwardhan, a farmer in southern India, has had a long- standing problem with wild pigs damaging his crops. He used to beat drums to scare them away, but he recently found another method that is even more effective: he merely plays tapes of Michael Jackson music over loudspeakers in his fields. (Reuter) A robber burst through the door and yelled "Gimmie your money!" When his demand was met by laughter, he stopped to reconsider. "This ain't a bank anymore?" the robber asked. No, he was told, the Columbia, Tenn., bank branch had closed last summer and was now an insurance office. Undaunted, the robber took $127 from the two employees in the office. (AP) Researchers at the University of Sussex and London's City University are working to find out what general things people find disgusting. There was a clear gender difference -- "females exhibited significantly higher scores on all categories except gastroenteric products," the researchers said, pointing out that women can deal with (for instance) baby vomit better than men can, though men can better handle worms and such. (Reuter) Warren E. Smith of Roanoke, Va., has sued Lola Rose Miller, better known as palm reader "Miss Stella", for not giving him the winning lottery numbers that she promised. The suit asks for $3 million (for the jackpot he would have won), plus $350,000 for punitive damages and actual losses of $75,724 that he paid for Miller's fees and losing lottery tickets. Miller is already serving a one-year sentence for cheating other customers. (AP) Fined $100,000 by the Federal Communications Commission for repeated violations of a rule limiting the number of commercials that can be shown during children's programs, WSEE-TV of Erie, Pa., blamed faulty computer programming for the problem. "It was always an accident," the station's manager said. The FCC noted the violation was repeated more than 200 times. The station plans to pay the fine without an appeal. (AP) From mcafee Tue Apr 18 17:46:21 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA11771; Tue, 18 Apr 95 17:46:21 CDT Date: Tue, 18 Apr 95 17:46:21 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9504182246.AA11771@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Public Service Announcement: New Virus > 4/14/95 > 7:53 AM > FWD>F.Y.I. New Computer Virus > > There is a computer virus that is being sent across the Internet. If you > receive an e-mail message with the subject line "Good Times", DO NOT read > the message, DELETE it immediately. Please read the messages below. > > Some miscreant is sending e-mail under the title "good times"nation-wide. > If you get anything like this, DON'T > DOWNLOAD THE FILE! It has a virus that rewrites your hard drive, > obliterating anything on it. Please be careful and forward this mail to > anyone you care about. > > Date: 12/2/94 11:59 AM > > Subject: INTERNET VIRUS > > Thought you might like to know... > > The FCC released a warning last Wednesday concerning a matter of major > importance to any regular user of the InterNet. Apparently, a new computer > virus has been engineered by a user of America Online that is unparalleled > in its destructive capability. Other, more well-known viruses such as > Stoned, Airwolf, and Michaelangelo pale in comparison > to the prospects of this newest creation by a warped mentality. > > What makes this virus so terrifying, said the FCC, is the fact that no > program needs to be exchanged for a new computer to be infected. It can be > spread through the existing e-mail systems of the InterNet. Once a > computer > is infected, one of several things can happen. If the computer contains a > hard drive, that will most likely be destroyed. > If the program is not stopped, the computer's processor will be placed in > an nth-complexity infinite binary loop - which can severely damage the > processor if left running that way too long. Unfortunately, most novice > computer users will not realize what is happening until it is far too late. > > Luckily, there is one sure means of detecting what is now known as the > "Good > Times" virus. It always travels to new computers the same way in a text > e-mail message with the subject line reading simply "Good Times". Avoiding > infection is easy once the file has been received - not reading it. The > act of loading the file into the mail server's ASCII buffer > causes the "Good Times" mainline program to initialize and execute. The > program is highly intelligent - it will send copies of itself to everyone > whose e-mail address is contained in a received-mail file or a sent- mail > file, if it can find one. It will then proceed to trash the computer it is > running on. > > The bottom line here is - if you receive a file with the subject line "Good > TImes", delete it immediately! Do not read it! Rest assured that > whoever's name was on the "From:" line was surely struck by the virus. > > Warn your friends and local system users of this newest threat to the > InterNet! It could save them a lot of time and money. ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: Don McClelland Director, Information Systems From mcafee Thu Apr 20 10:26:19 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA12293; Thu, 20 Apr 95 10:26:19 CDT Date: Thu, 20 Apr 95 10:26:19 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9504201526.AA12293@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Hoax There is substantial empirical evidence, in the form of hundreds of emails arriving daily on the subject, that the good times virus is a hoax. I am embarrassed to report that it's an old hoax as well, which I missed the first time around. Sorry about that. I should have noticed that > If the program is not stopped, the computer's processor will be placed in > an nth-complexity infinite binary loop - which can severely damage the > processor if left running that way too long. could only make sense for Pentiums running in notebook computers (which have been known to overheat). The nth complexity infinite binary loop reminds me of Mr. Spock, of Startrek, who described something as large by saying it was "one to the fourth power" as big. From mcafee Thu Apr 20 23:42:43 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA00504; Thu, 20 Apr 95 23:42:43 CDT Date: Thu, 20 Apr 95 23:42:43 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9504210442.AA00504@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Thinking Ahead I thought you might like this recent note on how things are going for our intrepid astronaut, Norman Thagard, now serving on Russia's Mir space station: Since he arrived on the nine-year-old space station March 14, Thagard has conducted a number of experiments, including metabolic studies of himself and his two Mir 18 crewmates, commander Vladimir Dezhurov and Gennady Strekalov. During those studies, he said during an April 12 news conference from Mir, the trio collected about 3 gallons of urine. After they had done so, "it was apparent we had not thought about how we were going to store the urine," Thagard said. He added that "we're constantly looking for places to stow trash," noting that the crewmembers face the problem every time they consume the contents of a food package. He concluded by noting that when they look for equipment or supplies, they "have to consult the computer or ask the person on board who stowed that equipment to tell you where it is located. Sometimes we have to call the ground and the ground has to call crews from previous flights and then call us back to tell us where things are located." - From Avaition Week & Space Technology, 4/17/95 From mcafee Fri Apr 21 01:16:26 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA01817; Fri, 21 Apr 95 01:16:26 CDT Date: Fri, 21 Apr 95 01:16:26 CDT Message-Id: <9504210616.AA01817@eco.utexas.edu> From: mcafee To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Exploding Cow This may not work on your system. If you are on a unix system, save the email to a file named, say, cow, then type cat cow That works on my system pretty well. I thank Dereka Rushbrook for forwarding it to me. It came with the command below, that didn't work on my system. Subj: Type ext tt at the prompt and watch the cow explode!!! [?25l ) )     ***********************************(0kwl(B********************************** _) o) /    __) oo) \/ | | ~ (__) (oo) -\/ || /\ ~~  (__)  (oo) --\/  || -||  ~~  (__)  (oo) ---\/  || --/\  ~~  (__)  (oo) ----\/  || ---||  ~~  (__)  (oo) -----\/  || \---/\ ~ ~~  (__)  (oo) ------\/ | || ||---|| ~~ ~~  (__)  (oo) /------\/  | ||  /\---/\  ~~ ~~  (__)  (oo)  /------\/ / | ||  ||---||  ~~ ~~  (__)  (oo)  /------\/  / | || * /\---/\  ~~ ~~   (__)  (oo)  /------\/  / | ||  * ||---||  ~~ ~~  (__)  (oo)  /------\/  / | ||  * /\---/\  ~~ ~~  (__)  (oo)  /------\/  / | ||  * ||---||  ~~ ~~  (__)  (oo)  /------\/  / | ||  * /\---/\  ~~ ~~  (__)  (oo)  /------\/  / | ||  * ||---||  ~~ ~~  (__)  (oo)  /------\/  / | ||  * /\---/\  ~~ ~~  (__)  (oo)  /------\/  / | ||  * ||---||  ~~ ~~  (__)  (oo)  /------\/  / | ||  * /\---/\  ~~ ~~  (__)  (oo)  /------\/  / | ||  * ||---||  ~~ ~~  (__)  (oo)  /------\/  / | ||  * /\---/\  ~~ ~~  (__)  (oo)  /------\/  / | ||  * ||---||  ~~ ~~  (__)  (oo)  /------\/  / | ||  * /\---/\  ~~ ~~  (__)  (oo)  /------\/  / | ||  * ||---||  ~~ ~~  (__)  (oo)  /------\/  / | ||  * /\---/\  ~~ ~~  (__)  (oo)  /------\/  / | ||  * ||---||  ~~ ~~  (__)  (oo)  /------\/  / | ||  * /\---/\  ~~ ~~  (__)  (oo)  /------\/  / | ||  * ||---||  ~~ ~~  (__)  (oo)  /------\/  / | ||  * /\---/\  ~~ ~~  (__)  (oo)  /------\/  / | ||  * ||---||  ~~ ~~ A Cow|V                        A Cow|V                        A Cow|V                                  //Moo..                        //Moo..                        //Moo..                        V|A landmine.                        V|A landmine.                        V|A landmine.               (__)  (oo)  /------\/  / | ||  * /\---/\  ~~ ~~  (__)  (oo)  /------\/  / | ||  * ||---||  ~~ ~~  (__)  (oo)  /------\/  / | ||  * /\---/\  ~~ ~~  (__)  (oo)  /------\/  / | ||  * ||---||  ~~ ~~  (__)  (oo)  /------\/  / | ||  * /\---/\  ~~ ~~  (__)  (oo)  /------\/  / | ||  * ||---||  ~~ ~~  (__)  (oo)  /------\/  / | ||  * /\---/\  ~~ ~~ #3Exploding Cow #4Exploding Cow  (__)  (oo)  /------\/  / | ||  * ||---||  ~~ ~~ \|/ [?5h \ | / \|/ \***/ \|/ \* * */ \|/ [?5l  (__) | (@@)  \/ --\ \**|**/ / / * [?5h  (__)  (xx)  \/ \**|**/ \**|**/  | | * ~~ * * ~~ // *-----*\ [?5l  (__)  (xx)  \/  | | *   \ [?5h  (__)  (xx)  \/ | | * [?5l  (__)  (xx)  \/ /-----/  | | * [?5h  (__)  (xx)  \/  | | *  ~~ -------\\ [?5l  (__)  (xx)  \/  \ \ *    *|*  (__)  (xx)  \/    --*  |  //------\\  (__)  (xx)  \/   --*  ##------## //------\\    (__)  (xx)  \/  *** #3Exploded Cow #4Exploded Cow                           #5 #5  __  \  \___,  | _______|  ( ) $ |__ [ \  \___,  | ________|  ( ) ~$ ||__  [ \  \___,  | 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Food | [ \  Service | \___,  | | ____________|__________| ( )( ) ( )* ______________~ $  |_||__  Kagin Food | [ \  Service | \___,  | | _____________|__________|  ( )( ) -( ) _______________ ~$ | |_||__ | Kagin Food | [ \ | Service | \___, | | | |_____________|__________|  ( )( ) --( )  _______________~ $  | |_||__  | Kagin Food | [ \  | Service | \___,  | | |  |_____________|__________|  ( )( ) --*( )  _______________ ~$  | |_||__  | Kagin Food | [ \  | Service | \___,  | | |  |_____________|__________|  ( )( ) --* ( )  _______________~ $  | |_||__  | Kagin Food | [ \  | Service | \___,  | | |  |_____________|__________|  ( )( ) --* ( )  _______________ ~$  | |_||__  | Kagin Food | [ \  | Service | \___,  | | |  |_____________|__________|  ( )( ) --* ( )  _______________~ $  | |_||__  | Kagin Food | [ \  | Service | \___,  | | |  |_____________|__________|  ( )( ) --* ( )  _______________ ~$  | |_||__  | Kagin Food | [ \  | Service | \___,  | | |  |_____________|__________|  ( )( ) 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| | |  |_____________|__________|  ( )( ) ##--( )--## ~ \/  _______________~ $  | |_||__  | Kagin Food | [ \  | Service | \___,  | | |  |_____________|__________|  ( )( ) ##---( )-## ~ \/  _______________ ~$  | |_||__  | Kagin Food | [ \  | Service | \___,  | | |  |_____________|__________|  -( )( ) ##----( )## ~ \/  _______________~ $  | |_||__  | Kagin Food | [ \  | Service | \___,  | | |  |_____________|__________|  --( )( ) ##-----( )# ~ \/  _______________ ~$  | |_||__  | Kagin Food | [ \  | Service | \___,  | | |  |_____________|__________| --*( )( ) ##------( ) ~ \/  _______________~ $  | |_||__  | Kagin Food | [ \  | Service | \___,  | | |  |_____________|__________| -* ( )( ) ##-------( ) ~ \/  _______________ ~$  | |_||__  | Kagin Food | [ \  | Service | \___,  | | |  |_____________|__________| * ( )( ) ##-------#( )~ \/  _______________~ $  | |_||__  | Kagin Food | [ \  | Service | \___,  | | |  |_____________|__________|  ( )( )##-------##( ) \/ ~    ~  ~    ~  ~    ~  ~    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******************************************************************************** I hope you enjoyed this pleasant cow experience. > >**************************************************************************** -- san@soda.Berkeley.EDU svuong@uclink.Berkeley.EDU _/_/_/_/ _/_/_/_/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/_/ _/ _/_/_/_/ _/_/_/_/ _/ _/ _/ | Remember, the enemy's gate _/ _/ _/ _/ _/_/ | is DOWN. _/_/_/_/ _/ _/ _/ __/ -- Ender Wiggin From mcafee Mon Apr 24 07:17:57 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA08846; Mon, 24 Apr 95 07:17:57 CDT Date: Mon, 24 Apr 95 07:17:57 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9504241217.AA08846@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Last Week's News The Church of England's Easter advertising campaign featured a new slogan: "Surprise! said Jesus to his friends three days after they buried him." Gone is the cross, which "carries too much cultural baggage," said Rev. Robert Ellis of the church-owned Advertising Network, which produced the ads. The Church created the ad posters to bring in people who normally don't come to Easter services, and were not aimed at "the one or two theologically literate who could critique it," spokesman Rev. Martin Short said. (AP) Brooklyn Heights, Ohio, police arrested Brian Dawson on traffic charges. While changing into a jail uniform, a boa constrictor slid out of his underwear. Dawson insisted the snake was a pet that he was just trying to keep warm, but Peggy Alison, the owner of a pet store in nearby Parma, recognized the snake when it was shown on TV news as one that had been stolen from her store. (AP) This guy sends out news stories once per week; I forward on a portion of them. If you would like to obtain the full list, here's how to do it: TO RECEIVE "THIS JUST IN" every week free by e-mail, send e-mail to listserv@netcom.com with the message: "subscribe this-just-in" (without quotes) -- please, nothing else on the line. To UNSUBSCRIBE or for HELP subscribing, e-mail this-just-in-approval@netcom.com; a human will help you. From mcafee Thu Apr 27 08:33:10 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA09877; Thu, 27 Apr 95 08:33:10 CDT Date: Thu, 27 Apr 95 08:33:10 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9504271333.AA09877@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Constructing Deconstructionism How to Speak and Write Postmodern by Stephen Katz Postmodernism has been the buzzword in academics for the last decade. Books, journal articles, conference themes and university courses have resounded to the debates about postmodernism that focus on the uniqueness of our times, where computerization, the global economy and the media have irrevocably transformed all forms of social engagement. As a professor of sociology who teaches about culture, I include myself in this environment. Indeed, I have a great interest in postmodernism both as an intellectual movement and as a practical problem. In my experience there seems to be a gulf between those who see the postmodern turn as a neo-conservative reupholstering of the same old corporate trappings, and those who see it as a long overdue break with modernist doctrines in education, aesthetics and politics. Of course there are all kinds of positions in between, depending upon how one sorts out the optimum route into the next millennium. However, I think the real gulf is not so much positional as linguistic. Posture can be as important as politics when it comes to the intelligentsia. In other words, it may be less important whether or not you like postmodernism than whether or not you can speak and write postmodernism. Perhaps you would like to join in conversation with your local mandarins of cultural theory and all-purpose deep thinking, but you don't know what to say. Or, when you do contribute something you consider relevant, even insightful, you get ignored or looked at with pity. Here is a quick guide, then, to speaking and writing postmodern. First, you need to remember that plainly expressed language is out of the question. It is too realist, modernist and obvious. Postmodern language requires that one uses play, parody and indeterminacy as critical techniques to point this out. Often this is quite a difficult requirement, so obscurity is a well-acknowledged substitute. For example, let's imagine you want to say something like, "We should listen to the views of people outside of Western society in order to learn about the cultural biases that affect us". This is honest but dull. Take the word "views". Postmodernspeak would change that to "voices", or better, "vocalities", or even better, "multivocalities". Add an adjective like "intertextual", and you're covered. "People outside" is also too plain. How about "postcolonial others". To speak postmodern properly one must master a bevy of biases besides the familiar racism, sexism, ageism, etc. For example, phallogocentricism (male-centredness combined with rationalistic forms of binary logic). Finally "affect us" sounds like plaid pajamas. Use more obscure verbs and phrases, like "mediate our identities". So, the final statement should say, "We should listen to the intertextual, multivocalities of postcolonial others outside of Western culture in order to learn about the phallogocentric biases that mediate our identities". Now you're talking postmodern! Sometimes you might be in a hurry and won't have the time to muster even the minimum number of postmodern synonyms and neologisms needed to avoid public disgrace. Remember, saying the wrong thing is acceptable if you say it the right way. This brings me to a second important strategy in speaking postmodern, which is to use as many suffices, prefixes, hyphens, slashes, underlinings and anything else your computer (an absolute must to write postmodern) can dish out. You can make a quick reference chart to avoid time delays. Make three columns. In column A put your prefixes; post-, hyper-, pre-, de-, dis-, re-, ex-, and counter-. In column B go your suffixes and related endings; -ism, -itis, -iality, -ation, -itivity, and -tricity. In column C add a series of well-respected names that make for impressive adjectives or schools of thought, for example, Barthes (Barthesian), Foucault (Foucauldian, Foucauldianism), Derrida (Derridean, Derrideanism). Now for the test. You want to say or write something like, "Contemporary buildings are alienating". This is a good thought, but, of course, a non- starter. You wouldn't even get offered a second round of crackers and cheese at a conference reception with such a line. In fact, after saying this, you might get asked to stay and clean up the crackers and cheese after the reception. Go to your three columns. First, the prefix. Pre- is useful, as is post-, or several prefixes at once is terrific. Rather than "contemporary buildings", be creative. "The Pre/post/spacialities of counter-architectural hyper-contemporaneity" is promising. You would have to drop the weak and dated term "alienating" with some well suffixed words from column B. How about "antisociality", or be more postmodern and introduce ambiguity with the linked phrase, "antisociality/seductivity". Now, go to column C and grab a few names whose work everyone will agree is important and hardly anyone has had the time or the inclination to read. Continental European theorists are best when in doubt. I recommend the sociologist Jean Baudrillard since he has written a great deal of difficult material about postmodern space. Don't forget to make some mention of gender. Finally, add a few smoothing out words to tie the whole garbled mess together and don't forget to pack in the hyphens, slashes and parentheses. What do you get? "Pre/post/spacialities of counter-architectural hyper-contemporaneity (re)commits us to an ambivalent recurrentiality of antisociality/seductivity, one enunciated in a de/gendered-Baudrillardian discourse of granulated subjectivity". You should be able to hear a postindustrial pin drop on the retrocultural floor. At some point someone may actually ask you what you're talking about. This risk faces all those who would speak postmodern and must be carefully avoided. You must always give the questioner the impression that they have missed the point, and so send another verbose salvo of postmodernspeak in their direction as a "simplification" or "clarification" of your original statement. If that doesn't work, you might be left with the terribly modernist thought of, "I don't know". Don't worry, just say, "The instability of your question leaves me with several contradictorily layered responses whose interconnectivity cannot express the logocentric coherency you seek. I can only say that reality is more uneven and its (mis)representations more untrustworthy than we have time here to explore". Any more questions? No, then pass the cheese and crackers. Stephen Katz, Associate Professor, Sociology, Trent University ----------------------------Original message---------------------------- Stephen Katz, whom I had to good fortune to meet at a conference at Minneapolis in April last year, sent me this piece which he wrote parodying postmodernism. He called his e-mail message 'warning: this is a joke!' for obvious reasons. From mcafee Wed May 3 15:09:58 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA22735; Wed, 3 May 95 15:09:58 CDT Date: Wed, 3 May 95 15:09:58 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9505032009.AA22735@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: mildy humorous You just might be a grad student if: ...you can identify universities by their internet domains. ...you are constantly looking for a thesis in novels. ...you have difficulty reading anything that doesn't have footnotes. ...you understand jokes about Foucault. ...the concept of free time scares you. ...you consider caffeine to be a major food group. ...you've ever brought books with you on vacation and actually studied. ...Saturday nights spent studying no longer seem weird. ...the professor doesn't show up to class, and you discuss the readings anyway. ...you've ever travelled across two state lines specifically to go to a library. ...you appreciate the fact that you get to choose *which* twenty hours out of the day you have to work. ...you still feel guilty about giving students low grades (you'll get over it). ...you can read course books and cook at the same time. ...you schedule events for academic vacations so your friends can come. ...you hope it snows during spring break so you can get more studying in. ...you've ever worn out a library card. ...you find taking notes in a park relaxing. ...you find yourself citing sources in conversation. ...you've ever sent a personal letter with footnotes. ...you feel compelled to redo all empirical studies you read (just to make sure these people know what they are talking about) To which I'd add: Your knowledge of world events is limited to Saturday Night Live. As far as you know, beer only comes in pitchers. You can't remeber ordering something other than pizza in a restaurant. You consider it cooking if you toast the bagel. No one except other students in your classes understand anything you say. You can't fall asleep because the birds have startee chirping. You've purchased the economy box of 100 spiral notebooks. Formal attire means tucking in your shirt. You have to climb over your bed to get to your desk. Your sofa cost less than $20 - and you move it to your new apartment. From mcafee Thu May 4 05:25:08 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA12656; Thu, 4 May 95 05:25:08 CDT Date: Thu, 4 May 1995 05:25:07 -0500 (CDT) From: R Preston McAfee X-Sender: mcafee@mundo To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Getting into Heaven Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the worst death? So St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they died. First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there. But the last place I looked was out on the balcony. I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the asshole - he landed in the bushes! So I dragged the refrigerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself." St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside. Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he comes out with this hammer and smashes my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in the bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn't last - the last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building and crushing me." St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man. Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator..." From mcafee Fri May 5 23:34:04 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA22715; Fri, 5 May 95 23:34:04 CDT Date: Fri, 5 May 95 23:34:04 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9505060434.AA22715@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Compensating Differentials The best graffiti I ever saw was at Purdue, where someone had written "Sex kills. Move to Indiana and live forever." I was reminded of this by a joke told by Curt Taylor: A man arrives home after work to find his wife packing her suitcase. "Where are you going?" he asks her. "To Las Vegas," she answers. "I just found out that women there get $400 for what I've been giving you for free all these years." The man pulls his suitcase out of the closet and starts to pack. "Where are you going?" asks his wife. "To Las Vegas," he replies. "I want to see how you can live there on $800 per year." From mcafee Mon May 8 07:49:59 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA06309; Mon, 8 May 95 07:49:59 CDT Date: Mon, 8 May 95 07:49:59 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9505081249.AA06309@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: News A statue of a "land grandfather" god stolen from a Taoist temple in Taipei has been offered back for a $50,000 ransom. The thief also advised the temple not to contact the police. "What is he going to do, kill the god?" a temple spokesman said after calling the police anyway. He said the ransom would not be paid. "Hell, with $50,000 we can buy 10 gods." (Reuter) May 25 to 27, Hong Kong's Cultural Centre will host the International Symposium on Public Toilets. But that's not all: "As part of the symposium, the overseas visitors will be taken on a tour of some local toilets on May 27," an official announcement said. (Reuter) Paul Armstrong proposed to Connie Norman. The London man had "Connie will you marry me?" tattooed on his rear end, asked her to give him a massage, then waited until she found the question. Good thing she agreed. "I don't know what I'd have done if she gave me the bum's rush," Armstrong said. Norman plans to have "Yes" tattooed on her rear as a response. (Reuter) The tabloid TV show "American Journal" wanted to show how easy it is to buy the components of a bomb like the one used in Oklahoma City by renting two vans and anonymously trying to buy nitrate fertilizer. But a dealer in Hightstown, N.J., suspicious of city slickers buying fertilizer, refused to sell the men a ton and called police. Later, police in Carteret investigated two suspicious vans, found 500 lbs. of fertilizer, and hauled the two in for questioning. A computer check of the vans' license plates linked the duo to the earlier incident. "We were operating within the law to produce an investigative report on this issue of national importance," a senior producer explained. (AP) From mcafee Mon May 8 16:58:52 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA07777; Mon, 8 May 95 16:58:52 CDT Date: Mon, 8 May 95 16:58:52 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9505082158.AA07777@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu These come from pkm@etla.fi, who has a WWW page of economist jokes. Most of them are just lawyer jokes with economists substituted and I have edited out most of these, as well as ones I already sent out, and some that were tedious. Economics is the only field in which two people can get a Nobel Prize for saying exactly the opposite thing. __________________________________________________________________________ A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job. Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four." The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathemetician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly." Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four." Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?" __________________________________________________________________________ Three econometricians went out hunting, and came across a large deer. The first econometrician fired, but missed, by a metre to the left. The second econometrician fired, but also missed, by a metre to the right. The third econometrician didn't fire, but shouted in triumph, "We got it! We got it!" __________________________________________________________________________ Three economists and three mathematicians were going for a trip by train. Before journey mathematicians bought 3 tickets (they could count to three) and economists only one. Mathematicians were glad their stupid colleagues were going to pay a fine. Hovewer when the conductor was approaching their compartment, all three economists went to the nearest toilet. Conductor noticing that somebody is in the loo knocked to the door and in reply saw a hand with the ticket. He checked it and economists saved 2/3 of the ticket price. Next day mathematicians decided to use the same strategy- they bought only one ticket, but economists did not buy tickets at all. When mathematicians saw conductor they went to the loo, and when they heard knocking they handed in the ticket. They did not get it back. Why? The economists took it and went to the other toilet. __________________________________________________________________________ Q:Why did God create economists ? A:In order to make weather forecasters look good. [There's no hope for seismologists...] __________________________________________________________________________ Three leading economists took a small plane to the wilderness in northern Canada to hunt moose over the weekend. The last thing the pilot said was , remember, this is a very small plane and you will only be able to bring ONE moose back. But of course, they killed one each and come sunday, they talked the pilot into letting them bring all three dead moose onboard. So just after takeoff, the plane stalled and crashed. In the wreckage, one of the economists woke up, looked around and said. where the hell are we. Oh, just about a hundred yards east of the place there we crashed last year. __________________________________________________________________________ Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists. __________________________________________________________________________ An economist, a philosopher, a biologist, and an architect were were arguing about what was God's real profession. The philosopher said, "Well, first and foremost, God is a philosopher because he created the principles by which man is to live." "Ridiculous!" said the biologist "Before that, God created man and woman and all living things so clearly he was a biologist." "Wrong," said the architect. "Before that, he created the heavens and the earth. Before the earth, there was only complete confusion and chaos!" "Well," said the economist, "where do you think the chaos came from?" __________________________________________________________________________ "Murphys law of economic policy": Economists have the least influence on policy where they know the most and are most agreed; they have the most influence on policy where they know the least and disagree most vehemently. - Alan S. Blinder __________________________________________________________________________ A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year. -Marty Allen __________________________________________________________________________ If all economists were laid end to end they would not reach a conclusion. -George Bernard Shaw __________________________________________________________________________ If you put two economists in a room, you get two opinions, unless one of them is Lord Keynes, in which case you get three opinions. -Winston Churchill __________________________________________________________________________ A sure fire way to determine if someone is an economist: Ask the suspect "what's the difference between ignorance and indifference?" If the reply is "I don't know and I don't care" you can be pretty sure its an economist. __________________________________________________________________________ Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, a practical economist, and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures. __________________________________________________________________________ Source: Pasi Kuoppamaki / pkm@etla.fi From mcafee Mon May 15 10:52:21 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA23319; Mon, 15 May 95 10:52:21 CDT Date: Mon, 15 May 95 10:52:21 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9505151552.AA23319@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: You Don't Even Need to Cook it Researchers at the Savannah River (S.C.) Ecology Laboratory have suggested how low-level nuclear waste at weapons sites might be cleaned up: feed it to chickens. The chickens' high metabolism burns off the waste, the researchers say, and after removal from the site and feeding the chickens non-contaminated food for 10 days, any leftover radiation in their bodies is eliminated. Would the meat sell? "If that meat is cheaper and you call it radioactively cleaned meat and you put it on the shelf for half price, I bet people in this country would eat it," one of the researchers claims. (AP) From mcafee Tue May 16 23:10:45 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA17631; Tue, 16 May 95 23:10:45 CDT Date: Tue, 16 May 95 23:10:45 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9505170410.AA17631@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Alluring Names The following are terms for lures from the Washington Post's fishing column. Brown Rabbit Hair Zonkers Rat-L-Traps Black Wooly Buggers Yellow Deer Hair Bugs Luhr Jensen Hot-Lips crankbaits Bomber Fire Tiger crankbaits Pig-N-Jig combinations Berkley Power Worms Rebel Humpy's Sassy Shad Clam Snouts From mcafee Tue May 23 17:05:29 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA16373; Tue, 23 May 95 17:05:29 CDT Date: Tue, 23 May 95 17:05:29 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9505232205.AA16373@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: German Humor The following is from The Big Issue: "One of the primary reasons cat flaps are called cat flaps is that they're flaps specifically designed for cats, as opposed to dogs, or giraffes, or humans. All of this became abundantly clear to teenager Jason Evans, of Eastleigh, Hampshire, when he recently spent six hours stuck in one after using it in an attempt to get into his house. He was eventually cut free by firemen. In Germany, meanwhile, Gunther Burpus remained wedged in his front-door cat flap for two days because passers-by thought he was a piece of installation art. Mr Burpus, 41, of Bremen, was using the flap because he had mislaid his keys. Unfortunately he was spotted by a group of student pranksters who removed his trousers and pants, painted his bottom bright blue, stuck a daffodil between his buttocks and erected a sign saying 'Germany Resurgent, an Essay in Street Art. Please give Generously'. Passers-by assumed Mr Burpus' screams were part of the act and it was only when an old woman complained to the police that he was finally freed. "I kept calling for help," he said, "but people just said 'Very good! Very clever!' and threw coins at me." " From mcafee Wed May 24 13:57:09 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA05979; Wed, 24 May 95 13:57:09 CDT Date: Wed, 24 May 95 13:57:09 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9505241857.AA05979@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Male Scale Women take quizzes all the time, at least judging from the frequency that quizzes appear in magazines that target female audiences. Quizzes for males seem as rare as males that sort laundry, ask directions and leave the remote control alone for more than a minute at the time. So here's a quiz for men. Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guy-ness Quotient: 1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to: a. Present it to the president of the United States. b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations. c. Take it apart. 2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most? a. Innocence. b. Idealism. c. Cherry bombs. 3. When is it okay to kiss another male? a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions. b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.) c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed. 4. What about hugging another male? a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease. b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in this male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!") c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that: (1) He is legally within the base path, (2) Both of you are wearing protective cups, and (3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures. 5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to... a. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones. b. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life. c. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer. 6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is: a. A cat. b. A dog. c. A dog that eats cats. 7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy -- you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers -- when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say? a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it. b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope. c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen. 8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her -- sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her? a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner. b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her. c. Tell her what? 9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is: a. "Do they need to eat or anything?" b. "They're in school already?" c. "There are three of them?" 10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear? a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs. b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers. c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody -- and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife -- is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her. 11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land? a. He was being tested. b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there. c. He refused to ask directions. 12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement? a. Democracy. b. Religion. c. Remote control. How to Score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer "c." A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In fact, a real guy would score at least 15, because he would get the special five-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer. ______________________ Thanks to Dale Stahl for sending this to me. From mcafee Wed May 24 16:44:55 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA19423; Wed, 24 May 95 16:44:55 CDT Date: Wed, 24 May 95 16:44:55 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9505242144.AA19423@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Incompetent Criminals and Your Government at Work Six men have been arrested after an attempt to pull off "the biggest cash robbery in British criminal history" by cutting open an armored van with a blow torch. "They managed to open up the van like a can of pilchards [sardines], but they also produced a horrendously expensive bonfire," the prosecuting lawyer said, estimating that 1-1.5 million pounds in cash was burned, set off by the "several thousand degrees Centigrade" cutting tool. The resulting column of smoke was so thick that "the gang panicked and ran away." The van held a total of 11.4 million pounds (US$18.2 million) in cash. (Reuter) Police say that Madeline Vasquez, 37, the Parent-Teacher Association president of Public School 10 in Harlem, has admitted that she set fire to the principal's desk in order to cover up her theft of $800 from the school yearbook fund. She apparently resorted to the fire after her plan to clear the office by calling in a bomb threat didn't work. Charged with arson, Vasquez faces 8-25 years in prison. (AP) The city of Bellevue, Washington, is trying to force the strip club Papagayo's Cantina to make its stage wheelchair accessible so that disabled dancers can reach the stage, which currently is accessible only via stairs. "It's just asinine. If you can't dance, why should you even be on stage?" asks a talent scout for Papagayo's. But Wayne Tanaka of the city's cultural diversity task force, which also looks into Americans With Disabilities Act issues, disagrees. "It's hard for me to picture somebody in a wheelchair doing what those performers are doing," he said. But "for all I know, maybe somebody would want to do that. It would surprise me, but we live in amazing times." (AP) An election official in the Philippines is attempting to disqualify all of the candidates for the Philippine Senate because all had illegally posted their campaign posters on utility poles. "The posters cannot attach themselves to the electric posts. They cannot materialize from thin air," Regalado Maambong of the Commission on Elections said. Do the candidates have any way out of the mess? "Maybe the best defense for them is that the posting is a miracle," Maambong said. (Reuter) The robber of a restaurant in Pittsburgh was easy to identify because before he grabbed the cash from the register and ran, he filled in an application for a job at the eatery -- using his real name and address.(AP) From mcafee Wed May 24 19:54:55 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA23514; Wed, 24 May 95 19:54:55 CDT Date: Wed, 24 May 95 19:54:55 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9505250054.AA23514@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Explosive Sneakers LIFE'S A BLAST by Dave Barry Before I get to this week's topic, which is gopher safety, I wish to "set the record straight" regarding three matters. 1. Exploding Guam Sneaker. Some months ago, I discussed an article in The Pacific Daily News concerning a Guamanian boy whose Nike brand sneaker reportedly exploded. This report turns out to be untrue. According to a later Daily News story, sent to me by staffer Mark Cook, the boy admitted that there had been a firecracker in his sneaker, and it was this firecracker, *not* the sneaker, that exploded. I wish to sincerely apologize to and smooch the buttocks of the Nike legal department for any bad publicity that my column may have caused, and stress to consumers that Nike brand sneakers do not - repeat, do *not* - explode. They merely contain firecrackers that explode. I hope this clears everything up. 2. Hunting-law update. A number of angry sportspersons have written to inform me that, contrary to the impression I may have given in a recent column about hunting, it is *not* legal to drop the frozen carcasses of large animals or Tobacco Institute scientists on hunters from helicopters. If you are doing this, I urge you to stop, or at least send me videotapes. 3. Correction. Several readers have informed me that The Nashville Banner, instead of printing my column, recently printed the announcement: "Dave Barry, whose humor column normally appears in today's Lifestyles section, is taking the week off." This is not, technically, true. I did not take that week off. I engaged in my usual brutal work routine of laboring day and night for nearly 45 minutes to produce a column. What The Nashville Banner no doubt meant to say was: "We are not going to publish Dave Barry's column this week because it concerns a Hong Kong man who demonstrates the benefits of Daoist philosophy by lifting heavy weights with his private parts, and we feel that the people of Nashville do not need to know about this." I'm sure the announcement was an innocent mistake, because the Banner is a fine newspaper that would never knowingly print an untrue statement. In fact, I urge you to call the Banner and subscribe; if you act today, the Banner will give you, free of charge, a house. Speaking of houses, a question that homeowners as well as professional maintenance personnel are constantly asking is: "What is the correct method for disposing of a gopher?" The answer is: "Not the method that was attempted recently by the maintenance personnel at Fowler Elementary School, in Ceres, California." I learned about this incident from a front-page story in the April 5 Modesto Bee, written by Donna Birch and sent to me by many alert readers. What happened was, a student found a gopher on the grounds of the school, which has a chronic gopher problem. The gopher wound up in the custody of three custodians, who put it in a bucket in a small, poorly ventilated utility room. I will give you 300 million guesses as to what they decided to do next. Wrong. What they decided to do next was freeze the gopher to death by spraying it with a product called (I am not making this up) Misty Gum Remover. This product is designed to be sprayed on the gum wads that are found on the undersides of all school desks (they are stuck on right at the desk factory). The product freezes the gum, making it easier to chip off. Misty Gum Remover is not specifically designed to send gophers to that big hole in the sky, but the Fowler Elementary custodians had successfully used it for that purpose on more than one occasion, feeling that it was a more humane disposal method than others they had tried, including whacking the gophers over the head. So at this point, we have nothing more than a routine case of three custodians trying to freeze a gopher to death with gum remover - the kind of thing that (ask your kids) goes on in our nation's schools every day. Then one of the custodians decided to light a cigarette. As an American, I place full legal blame on the Misty Gum Remover manufacturers for not putting a label on their spray cans, stating: "Do not spray this product on a gopher in a poorly ventilated room and then light a cigarette." You have probably guessed what happened next. That's right, the custodians' Nike brand sneakers exploded. No, seriously, the Misty Gum Remover fumes exploded in a blast that blew the three custodians out of the utility room and injured a total of 19 people. The gopher - I am still not making this up - lived. According to the Bee, it was taken into police custody and released in an empty field, where I imagine it will spend the rest of its days whimpering and gulping down tiny gopher Valiums. The moral of the story, for both homeowners and maintenance professionals, is that if you must dispose of a gopher, you should use the method recommended by leading authorities, such as the Archbishop of Canterbury. Namely, mail it, in a secure package, to The Nashville Banner. Do *not* send it to me; I'm taking the week off. From mcafee Thu May 25 08:59:06 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA04247; Thu, 25 May 95 08:59:06 CDT Date: Thu, 25 May 95 08:59:06 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9505251359.AA04247@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Dr. Seuss' Sloppy Floppy People send me a lot of computer geek humor, especially ham-fisted microsoft jokes, that I rarely find humorous, much less hilarious. But this, sent to me by John Abowd, struck me as entertaining. Subject: Dr. Seuss (from David Kwok) If Dr. Seuss Were a Technical Writer Here's an easy game to play. Here's an easy thing to say: If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report! If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash! You can't say this? What a shame sir! We'll find you Another game sir. If the label on the cable on the table at your house, Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang! When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc, Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom! From mcafee Mon May 29 16:58:28 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA26719; Mon, 29 May 95 16:58:28 CDT Date: Mon, 29 May 95 16:58:28 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9505292158.AA26719@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Crime Scene Two men who cleared several piles of iron from the Sangmyung Women's University in Seoul have been charged with burglary: it seems what they thought was scrap had actually been four sculptures, which university officials valued at US$45,000. "I can hardly believe these were artistic works," one of the men said. "I thought the school authorities were too lazy to dispose of them." The men sold the iron to recyclers for $27. (Reuter) Believing tradition will hold, drivers in France are apparently throwing caution to the wind. Since 1965, each new French president has pardoned citizens of their minor traffic offenses. As this year's election neared, the rate of fatal accidents in France climbed -- 16% in March alone. French insurance companies say this year's accident increase will cause 500-1000 deaths. The monetary damage is also significant: President Mitterand's pardon in 1988 cost the French treasury US$1.6 billion in unpaid fines. (Reuter) Police from both cities are investigating a "rampage" of New York police officers attending a ceremony in Washington, D.C. Among other allegations, NYPD officers staying at the Hyatt Regency hotel were said to have gotten drunk while in uniform, pulled fire alarms, harassed guests, and, according to a hotel employee: "They took off all their clothes ...and went sliding down the [lobby's] escalator," which was slicked down with beer. "It was not normal." (Washington Post) The Muslim extremist group al-Jihad has called for the destruction of the 188-metre Cairo Tower, contending that its phallic shape could tempt women into sin. From mcafee Tue May 30 05:39:17 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA12608; Tue, 30 May 95 05:39:17 CDT Date: Tue, 30 May 95 05:39:17 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9505301039.AA12608@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Cheese Whiz From today's Boston Globe: Cheltenham, England - Cheese-rolling, it seems, has entered the realm of the dangerous sport. In the annual cheese-rolling contest in this city near the Welsh border yesterday, 18 of the 20 contestants were injured - and four were sent to the hospital. It can be a tough sport even for those seeking vicarious thrills. One spectator fell and hit her head. The competition, in which contenders vie for a giant round cheese by rolling smaller versions down Cooper's Hill, left four contestants with fractures and 14 with sprains. Among those unscathed was Darren Yates, who won the big cheese. From mcafee Wed May 31 16:05:54 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA20024; Wed, 31 May 95 16:05:54 CDT Date: Wed, 31 May 95 16:05:54 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9505312105.AA20024@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: For the Relationship-Challenged SHE DRIVES FOR A RELATIONSHIP. HE'S LOST IN THE TRANSMISSION By DAVE BARRY CONTRARY to what many women believe, it's fairly easy to develop a long-term, stable, intimate, and mutually fulfilling relationship with a guy. Of course this guy has to be a Labrador retriever. With human guys, it's extremely difficult. This is because guys don't really grasp what women mean by the term relationship. Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else. And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: ''Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?'' And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of. And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months. And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person? And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see . . . February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here. And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected. And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a goddamn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600. COMMUNICATIONS GAP And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure. And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs. And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy. And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a goddamn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their ... ''Roger,'' Elaine says aloud. ''What?'' says Roger, startled. ''Please don't torture yourself like this,'' she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. ''Maybe I should never have . . . Oh God, I feel so ... '' (She breaks down, sobbing.) ''What?'' says Roger. ''I'm such a fool,'' Elaine sobs. ''I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse.'' ''There's no horse?'' says Roger. ''You think I'm a fool, don't you?'' Elaine says. ''No!'' says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer. ''It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time,'' Elaine says. (There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) ''Yes,'' he says. A BEFUDDLED BEAU (Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) ''Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?'' she says. ''What way?'' says Roger. ''That way about time,'' says Elaine. ''Oh,'' says Roger. ''Yes.'' (Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.) ''Thank you, Roger,'' she says. ''Thank you,'' says Roger. Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.) IT'S ANALYSIS TIME The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either. Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: ''Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?'' We're not talking about different wavelengths here. We're talking about different planets, in completely different solar systems. Elaine cannot communicate meaningfully with Roger about their relationship any more than she can meaningfully play chess with a duck. Because the sum total of Roger's thinking on this particular topic is as follows: Huh? But the point I'm trying to make is that, if you're a woman, and you want to have a successful relationship with a guy, the No. 1 tip to remember is: 1. Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship. The guy will not realize this on his own. You have to plant the idea in his brain by constantly making subtle references to it in your everyday conversation, such as: -- ''Roger, would you mind passing me a Sweet 'n' Low, inasmuch as we have a relationship?'' -- ''Wake up, Roger! There's a prowler in the den and we have a relationship! You and I do, I mean.'' -- ''Good News, Roger! The gynecologist says we're going to have our fourth child, which will serve as yet another indication that we have a relationship!'' -- ''Roger, inasmuch as this plane is crashing and we probably have only about a minute to live, I want you to know that we've had a wonderful 53 years of marriage together, which clearly constitutes a relationship.'' Never let up, women. Pound away relentlessly at this concept, and eventually it will start to penetrate the guy's brain. Some day he might even start thinking about it on his own. He'll be talking with some other guys about women, and, out of the blue, he'll say, ''Elaine and I, we have, ummm . . . We have, ahhh . . . We . . . We have this thing.'' And he will sincerely mean it. The next relationship-enhancement tip is: 2. Do not expect the guy to make a hasty commitment. By ''hasty,'' I mean, ''within your lifetime.'' Guys are extremely reluctant to make commitments. This is because they never feel ready. ''I'm sorry,'' guys are always telling women, ''but I'm just not ready to make a commitment.'' Guys are in a permanent state of nonreadiness. If guys were turkey breasts, you could put them in a 350-degree oven on July Fourth, and they still wouldn't be done in time for Thanksgiving. >From the forthcoming book, ''Dave Barry's Complete Guide to Guys'' by Dave Barry, (c) 1995 by Dave Barry. Reprinted with the permission of Random House Inc. Distributed by Tribune Media Services Inc. From mcafee Thu Jun 1 07:52:38 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA03790; Thu, 1 Jun 95 07:52:38 CDT Date: Thu, 1 Jun 95 07:52:38 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9506011252.AA03790@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Those Who Can't, Manage THE WALL STREET JOURNAL MONDAY, MAY 22, 1995 Manager's Journal: The Dilbert Principle ---- By Scott Adams I use a lot of "bad boss" themes in my syndicated cartoon strip, "Dilbert." I'll never run out of material. I get a hundred e-mail messages a day, mostly from people who are complaining about their own clueless managers. Here are some of my favorite stories, all allegedly true: -- A vice president insists that the company's new battery-powered product be equipped with a light that comes on to tell you when the power is off. -- An employee suggests setting priorities so they'll know how to apply their limited resources. The manager's response: "Why can't we concentrate our resources across the board?" -- A manager wants to find and fix software bugs more quickly. He offers an incentive plan: $20 for each bug the Quality Assurance people find and $20 for each bug the programmers fix. (These are the same programmers who create the bugs.) Result: An underground economy in "bugs" springs up instantly. The plan is rethought after one employee nets $1,700 the first week. Stories like these prompted me to do the first annual Dilbert Survey to find out what management practices were most annoying to employees. The choices included the usual suspects: Quality, Empowerment, Re-engineering and the like. But the number-one vote-getter on this highly unscientific survey was "Idiots Promoted to Management." This seemed like a subtle change from the old concept where capable workers were promoted until they reached their level of incompetence -- the Peter Principle. Now, apparently, the incompetent workers are promoted directly to management without ever passing through the temporary competence stage. When I entered the workforce in 1979, the Peter Principle described management pretty well. Now I think we'd all like to return to those Golden Years when you had a boss who was once good at something. I get all nostalgic when I think about it. Back then, we all had hopes of being promoted beyond our levels of competence. Every worker had a shot at someday personally navigating the company into the tar pits while reaping large bonuses and stock options. It was a time when inflation meant everybody got an annual raise; a time when we freely admitted that the customer didn't matter. It was a time of joy. We didn't appreciate it then, but the Peter Principle always provided us with a boss who understood what we did for a living. Granted, he made consistently bad decisions -- after all, he had no management skills. But at least they were the informed decisions of a seasoned veteran from the trenches. Example: Boss: "When I had your job I could drive a three-inch rod through a metal casing with one motion. If you're late again I'll do the same thing to your head." Lately, however, the Peter Principle has given way to the Dilbert Principle. The basic concept of the Dilbert Principle is that the most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management. This has not proved to be the winning strategy that you might think. Maybe we should learn something from nature. In the wild, the weakest moose is hunted down and killed by Dingo dogs, thus ensuring survival of the fittest. This is a harsh system -- especially for the Dingo dogs that have to fly all the way from Australia. But nature's process is a good one; everybody agrees, except perhaps for the Dingo dogs and the moose in question . . . and the flight attendants. But the point is that we'd all be better off if the least competent managers were being eaten by Dingo dogs instead of writing mission statements. It seems as if we've turned nature's rules upside down. We systematically identify and promote the people who have the least skills. The usual business rationalization for promoting idiots (the Dilbert Principle in a nutshell) is something along the lines of "Well, he can't write code, he can't design a network, and he doesn't have any sales skill. But he has very good hair . .." If nature started organizing itself like a modern business, you'd see, for example, a band of mountain gorillas led by an "alpha" squirrel. And it wouldn't be the most skilled squirrel; it would be the squirrel nobody wanted to hang around with. I can see the other squirrels gathered around an old stump saying stuff like "If I hear him say `I like nuts' one more time, I'm going to kill him." The gorillas, overhearing this conversation, lumber down from the mist and promote the unpopular squirrel. The remaining squirrels are assigned to Quality Teams as punishment. You may be wondering if you fit the description of a Dilbert Principle manager. Here's a little test: 1. Do you believe that anything you don't understand must be easy to do? 2. Do you feel the need to explain in great detail why "profit" is the difference between income and expense? 3. Do you think employees should schedule funerals only during holidays? 4. Are the following words a form of communication or gibberish: "The Business Services Leadership Team will enhance the organization in order to continue on the journey toward a Market Facing Organization (MFO) model. To that end, we are consolidating the Object Management for Business Services into a cross strata team." 5. When people stare at you in disbelief, do you repeat what you just said, only louder and slower? Now give yourself one point for each question you answered with the letter "B." If your score is greater than zero, congratulations -- there are stock options in your future. (The language in number 4 is from an actual company memo.) ______________________________________________________________ Mr. Adams is the creator of Dilbert, which appears in 450 newspapers. He still works his day job at Pacific Bell. Copyright (c) 1995 Dow Jones and Company, Inc. Thanks to Joshua Gans for passing this on. From mcafee Thu Jun 8 23:18:31 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA06584; Thu, 8 Jun 95 23:18:31 CDT Date: Thu, 8 Jun 95 23:18:31 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9506090418.AA06584@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Future American Radio-Telecommunications Bill Gates, Andy Grove, and Jerry Sanders (CEOs of MicroSoft, Intel, and AMD) were in a high-powered business meeting. During the serious, tense discussion, a beeping noise suddenly is emitted from where Bill is sitting. Bill says, "Oh, that's my beeper. Gentlemen, excuse me, I need to take this call." So Bill lifts his wristwatch to his ear and begins talking into the end of his tie. After completing this call, he notices the others are staring at him. Bill explains, "Oh, this is my new emergency communication system. I have an earpiece built into my watch and a microphone sewn into the end of my tie. That way I can take a call anywhere." The others nod and the meeting continues. Five minutes later, the discussion is again interrupted when Andy starts beeping. He states, "Excuse me gentlemen, this must be an important call." So Andy taps his earlobe and begins talking into thin air. When he completes his call, he notices the others staring at him and explains, "I also have an emergency communication system. But my earpiece is actually implanted in my earlobe, and the microphone is actually embedded in this fake tooth." The others nod, and the meeting continues. Five minutes later, the discussion is again interrupted when Jerry emits a thunderous fart. He looks up at the others staring at him and says, "Somebody get me a piece of paper... I'm receiving a FAX." Thanks to Hal Varian for this. What's the difference between a cocktail lounge and an elephant fart? One's a barroom and one's a BARRROOOOMMMM!!! From mcafee Fri Jun 9 23:06:57 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA16299; Fri, 9 Jun 95 23:06:57 CDT Date: Fri, 9 Jun 1995 23:06:57 -0500 (CDT) From: R Preston McAfee X-Sender: mcafee@mundo To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Fibs Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII The Top Ten Lies Told by Graduate Students (taken from the Harvard Crimson) 10. It doesn't bother me at all that my college roommate is making $80,000 a year on Wall Street. 9. I'd be delighted to proofread your book/chapter/article. 8. My work has a lot of practical importance. 7. I would never date an undergraduate. 6. Your latest article was so inspiring. 5. I turned down a lot of great job offers to come here. 4. I just have one more book to read and then I'll start writing. 3. The department is giving me so much support. 2. My job prospects look really good. 1. No really, I'll be out of here in only two more years. Top Five Lies Told by Teaching Fellows: 5. I'm not going to grant any extensions. 4. Call me any time. I'm always available. 3. It doesn't matter what I think; write what you believe. 2. Think of the midterm as a diagnostic tool. 1. My other section is much better prepared than you guys. You just might be a graduate student if... ...you can analyze the significance of appliances you cannot operate. ...your carrel is better decorated than your apartment. ...you have ever, as a folklore project, attempted to track the progress of your own joke across the Internet. ...you are startled to meet people who neither need nor want to read. ...you have ever brought a scholarly article to a bar. ...you rate coffee shops by the availability of outlets for your laptop. ...everything reminds you of something in your discipline. ...you have ever discussed academic matters at a sporting event. ...you have ever spent more than $50 on photocopying while researching a single paper. ...there is a microfilm reader in the library that you consider "yours." ...you actually have a preference between microfilm and microfiche. ...you can tell the time of day by looking at the traffic flow at the library. ...you look forward to summers because you're more productive without the distraction of classes. ...you regard ibuprofen as a vitamin. ...you consider all papers to be works in progress. ...professors don't really care when you turn in work anymore. ...you find the bibliographies of books more interesting than the actual text. ...you have given up trying to keep your books organized and are now just trying to keep them all in the same general area. ...you have accepted guilt as an inherent feature of relaxation. ...you reflexively start analyzing those greek letters before you realize that it's a sorority sweatshirt, not an equation. ...you find yourself explaining to children that you are in "20th grade". ...you start refering to stories like "Snow White et al." ...you frequently wonder how long you can live on pasta without getting scurvy ...you look forward to taking some time off to do laundry ...you have more photocopy cards than credit cards ...you wonder if APA style allows you to cite talking to yourself as "personal communication" From mcafee Fri Jul 21 16:51:11 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA24391; Fri, 21 Jul 95 16:51:11 CDT Date: Fri, 21 Jul 95 16:51:11 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9507212151.AA24391@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Summetime News Charles Hayden of Pittsburgh was concerned because Chris, his 13-year-old son, was failing five subjects in school. So over an 11-week period, Hayden took Chris out of school during his study hall class and spent 110 hours tutoring him. The result: Chris passed the seventh grade -- and Hayden is being prosecuted for "illegally" removing his son from school. "I'm just kind of dumbfounded," Hayden says, noting that teachers kept him up-to-date on lesson plans to aid his tutoring. But "other parents have to work with their children during the evening," retorts school superintendent C. Richard Nichols. If convicted, Hayden could be sentenced to a fine of $22 plus court costs. "There's a lot of brain tissue chasing me for $22," Hayden says. (AP) AT&T mailed information on their "True Rewards" program to 175,000 customers. But when patrons called the printed toll-free number to get details, they were greeted with "Are you ready to get naked? If you want hardcore, uncensored, explicit sex now, then come and -- mmmmm -- take it!" Apparently, a printing error substituted AT&T's number for a phone sex number. "People have been calling and expressing their dissatisfaction," an AT&T spokeswoman noted. But not everyone is dissatisfied: "It hasn't been bad for business," said a spokeswoman for Amtec Communications, the company that provides the phone sex service. (AP) Two centuries ago, Ronkainen the Robber tested new gang recruits by making them carry a woman over an obstacle course to show that they could carry handle their loot -- they often stole wives from other tribes. But in modern Sonkajarvi, Finland, it's known as the Finnish National Wife-Carrying Championships. The goal: carry a woman, preferably someone else's wife (and she must be older than 17) over a 780-foot course through water, sand, grass and asphalt, and over two fences. Dropping the wife results in a 15-second penalty. The fastest man earns the big prize: the woman's weight in lemonade. "We Finns can be mad without alcohol, too, you know," said one local, attempting to explain the prize -- beer was ruled illegal. "This is very, very Finnish," agreed a Swedish woman who was carried in the race. "They wouldn't do this in Sweden." (Reuter) Meanwhile, in Pelkosenniemi, Finland, the third World Championship of Mosquito Killing has begun. Contestants have five minutes to kill as many of the buzzy pests as possible, but only using their bare hands. This year, the warm, moist summer season will probably mean last year's record -- seven -- will be beaten. "I know it's surprisingly few, but the problem is that the mosquitoes are drawn [away] by the warmth of the crowd watching the competition," noted Kai Kullervo Salmijarvi, who organized this year's event. While insecticides are banned, "we don't have dope tests," he added, "so anyone can tank up as they see fit." (AP) From mcafee Sun Jul 23 06:48:48 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA24398; Sun, 23 Jul 95 06:48:48 CDT Date: Sun, 23 Jul 95 06:48:48 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9507231148.AA24398@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Don't Look Now Minneapolis has banned ogling by city construction workers. If one looks at another person in public for more than nine seconds, a verbal warning is issued; repeated warnings lead to being fired. (Boston Globe, 7/23/95, p.21) From mcafee Fri Aug 11 01:53:29 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA08023; Fri, 11 Aug 95 01:53:29 CDT Date: Fri, 11 Aug 95 01:53:29 CDT Message-Id: <9508110653.AA08023@eco.utexas.edu> From: mcafee To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Precedence: bulk Subject: Explaining the wobbles in the orbits of planets On Tue, 1 Aug 1995 16:54:45 -0700 Dante Marcelo wrote: This week, a million fraternity brothers rushed to join NASA. The reason: scientists have discovered beer in space. Well, not beer exactly. But they did find alcohol: ethyl alcohol, to be precise, the active ingredient in all major alcoholic drinks (antifreeze Jell-O shots, quite obviously, are exempted from this category). Three British scientists, Drs. Tom Millar, Geoffrey MacDonald and Rolf Habing, discovered this interstellar Everclear floating in a gas cloud in the contellation of Aquila (sign of the Eagle, the mascot of Anheuser-Busch! Hmmmmm). Millar and his compatriots have estimated the size of this gas cloud at approximately 1,000 times the diameter of our own solar system; there's enough alcohol out there, they say, to make 400 trillion trillion pints of beer. These guys are British, mind you; if you were to translate this in terms of American beer (which the British, with some justification, regard as fermented club soda), the amount of potential brewski just about doubles. In human terms: remember that double-keg party you threw at the end of your Junior year in college (the second Junior year)? Imagine throwing that same party, every eight hours, for the next 30 billion years. You'd STILL have beer left over. And boy, would YOUR bathroom be a mess! Simply put, no one could ever drink 400 trillion trillion pints of beer, except maybe Buffalo Bills fans. The sheer volume of all this alcohol begs the question of how it managed to get out there in the first place. Despite the simplifying effect it has on the human brain, ethyl alcohol is a reasonably complex molecule: two carbon atoms, five hydrogen atoms, and a hydroxyl radical, all cavorting together in beery camaraderie. It's not a compund that is going to spontaneously arise out of the cold depths of space. It can lead to speculation: What is this cloud? 1. It's God's beer. After all, He worked for six days creating the universe, and on the seventh day, He rested. And after you've had a hard week at the office, don't YOU grab a beer? Since man is made in God's image, it could be that this cloud is the remaining evidence of the first, best Miller Time. 2. It's Purgatory ("400 trillion trillion bottles of beer on the wall, 400 trillion trillion bottles of beer! Take one down, pass it around, three hundred ninety-nine septillion, nine hundred ninety-nine sextillion, nine hundred ninety-nine quintillion, nine hundred ninety-nine quadrillion, nine hundred ninety-nine trillion, nine hundred ninety-nine billion, nine hundred ninety-nine million, nine hundred ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred ninety-nine, bottles of beer on the wall!") 3. Proof of an undeniably highly advanced but chronically dipsomaniac alien society. This particular theory is shaky, however: it's reasonable to assume that if the aliens were going to construct a nebula of alcohol, they'd also have large clouds of Beer Nuts and pretzels nearby for snacking. Advanced spectral analysis has yet to locate them. The truth of the matter, however, is far more prosaic. In the middle of this gas cloud is a young and no doubt quite inebriated star. As the star heats up and contracts, sucking the dust and gas of the cloud into a smaller area, complex molecules form as a result of greater interaction between the elements. Ethyl alcohol forms on small motes of dust in the cloud, and then, as the motes angle in closer towards the star and heat up, the alcohol is released from the motes in gaseous form. And there you have it: an alcohol cloud. Or, as Dave Bowman might say, "My God! It's full of booze!" Enough with the science lesson, you say. Just tell me how to GET there! Sorry, Chuckles. You can't get there from here. The gas cloud (which, by the way, has the utterly romantic name of "G34.3") is 10,000 light years away: 58 quadrillion miles. Even if you hijacked the shuttle and headed out with thrusters on full, by the time you got there, the guy in Purgatory would be done with his tune. You'd have had time to work up a powerful thirst, but you'd also be, in a word, dead. No, the Space Beer Cloud will have to wait for the far future, when men can leap through the universe at warp speed. One can only imagine what they will do when they get there: Captain Kirk: My....GOD! Sulu! What....is....THAT? Sulu: It's a free floating cloud of alcohol, sir. Kirk: And we've just run out of Romulan Ale! Could it be a trap, Bones? Bones: Damn it, Jim! I'm a doctor, not a distiller of fine spirits! Kirk: We need that booze! But if we fly through that cloud, we'll be too drunk to drive! Spock: May I remind you, Jim, that I am a Vulcan. We are a race of designated drivers. Kirk: Well, all righty, then. Spock, drive us through! Bones and I will be out on the hull. With our mouths... open! ____________________________________________________ Thanks to Al Slivinski for passing this on to me. From mcafee Fri Aug 11 14:24:14 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA22513; Fri, 11 Aug 95 14:24:14 CDT Date: Fri, 11 Aug 95 14:24:14 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9508111924.AA22513@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Precedence: bulk Subject: The Tension between the Sexes Why do men like love at first sight? It saves them a lot of time. A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? Dating children. Why do men die before their wives? They want to. Why do divorces cost so much? They're worth it. From mcafee Mon Aug 14 19:49:18 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA25477; Mon, 14 Aug 95 19:49:18 CDT Date: Mon, 14 Aug 95 19:49:18 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9508150049.AA25477@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Precedence: bulk Subject: Megabytodemcafeeawaitinophobia Greetings! Ever heard of the word for fear of peanut butter getting stuck to the roof of one's mouth? Linguaphile Al Ustinov of ibm.com is hunting for this word and he has made me curious as well. "Being an immigrant to the US, I was fascinated by this uniquely American malady and could recall this word at whim," he wrote, "Age and an excess of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches have since taken their toll on my memory, and I was wondering if you had ever heard of this phobia?" I am sure we can count of the 4,000+ linguaphiles to get him "unstuck." If you know the word (or what you think the word should be), please send it in. -------- Call for the search of a word for "fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth" went out a couple of days back. Here are some smooth and crunchy selections from the resulting outpour: Kurt Greene of ge.com came up with the word "dorsobuccalarachihypogaea- phobia." Of course, he has supplied the etymology too: "Arachis hypogaea is the species/genus/whatever-it's-called for the peanut." Erik G. Urdang from uswest.com suggested "Arachidnophobia." Some related words he sent may come handy next time you decide to order a peanut butter sandwich in some elegant French restaurant: "The French word for peanuts is `arachides,' peanut butter is, of course `beurre d'arachides.'" Forrest Richey of ucarb.com, a veteran linguaphile, concocted "hypogaeuvullasphyxiophobia." This word came with the proper usage guidelines: "Please note, I expect this word to be enunciated by one in the grip of the feared condition." Many folks enlisted the help of their friends in search for the word. Colleen Dawes of bwc.org sent in this little tale: I asked a friend of mine (Carol Sprague) who is quite a linguaphile and her response is below: `Yes, I believe it's legumopalatophobia. We used to try to induce this in our dogs by giving them bread with peanut-butter on it (p/n butter side UP of course) and watch them trying to lick it off the roof of their mouths (while rolling on the floor as we thought this was hilarious - okay, so we were like a little weird). They never seemed to learn though, because as soon as it was gone, they were back for more.' A large number did find the right word. Sooo... without further ado, the word we were looking for is arachibutyrophobia. Now that we have slipped onto other phobias, here is an interesting report from Hillel Bromberg, an avid phobophile at babson.edu: First of all, it's interesting that there is a name for the fear of young girls (parthenophobia) ... Someone with a horrifying band teacher came up with aulophobia (flutes), and a worse physics teacher gave someone barophobia (gravity). It doesn't take a chemist to produce one of my very favorites, blennophobia or myxophobia (fear of slime). Winston Churchill taught us that we should all suffer from phobophobia (fear), though I'm sure he himself never knew a pang of katagelophobia (ridicule). I don't know where it fits in, but I have to mention the infamous triskaidekaphobia (unreasonable fear of the number 13). Some of these hit rather close to home. Or don't, as the case may be. We Jews hardly suffer from ecclesiophobia (church) or papaphobia (the Pope), and our theology doesn't really leave room for ouranophobia (heaven) or stygiophobia (hell). Among others, his list included "ddiippllooppiiaapphhoobbiiaa" - fear of double vision. He added, "I do hope that, while living where you are, you never know limnophobia (fear of lakes)." Finally, here is my favorite: aibohphobia - the fear of palindromes. Many thank to all of you who responded - and to your friends! I have a feeling we might have heard from a few other folks, if it were not for graphophobia (fear of writing) (-: . In any case, there is one phobia, I am sure, none of us on this list is afflicted with: logophobia (fear of words). ------------------------------- Thanks to John Chilton for passing this on to me. From mcafee Fri Aug 25 18:27:22 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA16507; Fri, 25 Aug 95 18:27:22 CDT Date: Fri, 25 Aug 95 18:27:22 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9508252327.AA16507@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Precedence: bulk Subject: Unrecoverable Error Given that Microsoft is advertising Windows, Microsoft chose the wrong Stones' song. A more appropriate song is "(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction." From mcafee Mon Aug 28 18:14:34 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA28063; Mon, 28 Aug 95 18:14:34 CDT Date: Mon, 28 Aug 95 18:14:34 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9508282314.AA28063@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Precedence: bulk Subject: Tootling with Vigour These are examples of botched English from foreign nations, collected from several newspaper accounts by my brother. WARNING TO TOKYO MOTORISTS: "When a passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet at him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage, then tootle him with vigour." SIGN IN A BELGRADE HOTEL'S ELEVATOR: "To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each press button for the wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by natural order." INSTRUCTIONS ON A PACKET OF CONVENIENCE FOOD IN ITALY: "Beasmear a backing pan, previously buttered with good tomato sauce and after, dispose the canelloni, lightly distanced between them in a only couch." ANNOUNCEMENT IN A BELGRADE HOTEL: "The flattening of underwear with pleasue is the job of the chambermaid. Turn to her straightaway." REQUEST OF A TOKYO HOTEL: "Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such a thing is please not to read this notis." FROM A TAILOR IN RHODES: "Order now your summer's suit. Because is big rush we execute customers in strict rotation." BANGKOK DRY CLEANER'S ADVICE: "Drop your trousers here for best results." ON THE MENU OF A BUCHAREST RESTAURANT: "Chicken soup with droppings" and "Chicken roasted in spit." ITALIAN INN PROCLAIMS: "Any day or night our chef will throw up his favorite pasta dish for you." A ROME LAUNDRY'S ADVICE: "Leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time." ON VARIOUS HONG KONG MENUS: "Sea blubber." SIGN IN THE LOBBY OF A SWEDISH HOTEL: "If this is your first visit to our hotel, you're welcome to it." SWISS RESTAURANT'S MOTTO: "Our wines leave you nothing to hope for." ANNOUNCEMENT AT THE LUGGAGE STAND AT COPENHAGEN AIRPORT: "We take your bags and send them in all directions." ATHEN'S HOTEL RULES: "Visitors are expected to complain between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily." PARISIAN FASHION BANNER: "Dresses for street walking." GETTING ROOM SERVICE IN A GERMAN HOTEL: "If you wish for breakfast in your bedroom, just lift your telephone and speak to the receptionist. This will be enough to bring your food up." FROM THE MENU IN A POLISH RESTAURANT: "Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion." From mcafee Thu Aug 31 09:46:21 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA06985; Thu, 31 Aug 95 09:46:21 CDT Date: Thu, 31 Aug 95 09:46:21 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9508311446.AA06985@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Precedence: bulk Subject: Weird Science Those of you who know the barometer joke can skip to the next section. A physics exam asks how to compute the height of a building with a barometer. One student offered three answers: 1. (Triangulation) Measure the height of the barometer. Find the building's shadow, and place the barometer upright on the ground so that the shadow just touches the top of the barometer. Measure the length of the shadow, and the distance from the barometer to the end of the shadow, and use similar triangles to compute the height of the building. 2. (Gravitation). Drop the barometer from the top of the building and time its descent. Use the formula d=16 t^2 to compute the height of the building. 3. (Economics) Find the owner of the building and tell him that if he'll tell you the height of the bulding, you'll give him a good barometer. _____________________________________________________________________ This is an allegedly true story told to me by Victoria Zinde-Walsh, who lived in the former Soviet Union and knew the physicist in question. A professor of physics in the former Soviet Union had been misquoted in the newspaper a number of times. So when the newspaper approached him to answer a reader's question, the physicist refused. The newspaper offered to let him proofread the final version, so that exactly what he said would be printed, and under those circumstances, the physicist agreed. So the reader had written that he was a member of the communist party, and so was his mother, and his mother didn't believe the earth was round, and wouldn't believe it until she read it in a communist newspaper, and would they *please* print a story that the earth is round. So the physicist wrote up a little article about masts coming over the horizon, Magellan sailing around the earth, pictures from space, and how we know the earth is round. The newspaper writes up the article and they go several rounds until the article is just how the physicist wants it, and he oks printing it. The newspaper prints it, just as he wrote it, under the headline "New Advances in Soviet Physics." ____________________________________________________________ I received this from Daniel Quan. A teacher forwarded this list of comments from test papers, essays, etc., submitted to science and health teachers by elementary, junior high, high school, and college students. As she noted, "It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades." "H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water." "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube." "When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide." "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water." "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars." "Blood flows down one leg and up the other." "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration." "The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader." "Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull." "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire." "A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold." "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas." "The pistol of a flower is its only protections against insects." "The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to." "A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors." "The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight." "A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is." "Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa." "Germinate: To become a naturalized German." "Liter: A nest of young puppies." "Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat." "Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away." "Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky." "Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot." "Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives." "Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative." "To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose." "For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops." "For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it." "For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat." "To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow." From mcafee Thu Aug 31 17:43:31 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA01160; Thu, 31 Aug 95 17:43:31 CDT Date: Thu, 31 Aug 95 17:43:31 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9508312243.AA01160@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Precedence: bulk Subject: Whale of a time I put this out years ago, then lost it. Here it is again, thanks to Kevin Kosh. I think the original source is Dave Barry. ____________________________________________________________ The Farside comes to life in Oregon. I am absolutely not making this incident up; in fact I have it all on videotape. The tape is from a local TV news show in Oregon, which sent a reporter out to cover the removal of a 45-foot, eight-ton dead whale that washed up on the beach. The responsibility for getting rid of the carcass was placed on the Oregon State Highway Division, apparently on the theory that highways and whales are very similar in the sense of being large objects. So anyway, the highway engineers hit upon the plan--remember, I am not making this up--of blowing up the whale with dynamite. The thinking is that the whale would be blown into small pieces, which would be eaten by seagulls, and that would be that. A textbook whale removal. So they moved the spectators back up the beach, put a half-ton of dynamite next to the whale and set it off. I am probably not guilty of understatement when I say that what follows, on the videotape, is the most wonderful event in the history of the universe. First you see the whale carcass disappear in a huge blast of smoke and flame. Then you hear the happy spectators shouting "Yayy!" and "Whee!" Then, suddenly, the crowd's tone changes. You hear a new sound like "splud." You hear a woman's voice shouting "Here come pieces of...MY GOD!" Something smears the camera lens. Later, the reporter explains: "The humor of the entire situation suddenly gave way to a run for survival as huge chunks of whale blubber fell everywhere." One piece caved in the roof of a car parked more than a quarter of a mile away. Remaining on the beach were several rotting whale sectors the size of condominium units. There was no sign of the seagulls who had no doubt permanently relocated to Brazil. This is a very sobering videotape. Here at the institute we watch it often, especially at parties. But this is no time for gaiety. This is a time to get hold of the folks at the Oregon State Highway Division and ask them, when they get done cleaning up the beaches, to give us an estimate on the US Capitol. From mcafee Thu Aug 31 18:14:39 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA02177; Thu, 31 Aug 95 18:14:39 CDT Date: Thu, 31 Aug 95 18:14:39 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9508312314.AA02177@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Precedence: bulk Subject: Quincy's Memoirs I have unsuccessfully tried to verify this story, by working backwards from the sender and drawing a blank 5 layers deep. It's probably the plot of a Patricia Cornwall novel or a law school exercise. A journalist was unable to find the story, but was unable to verify it, although: > He had no success finding the story. We did, however, find a reference > to a "Ronald Ann and Opus" in a comic strip, from which, I bet, the name > "Ronald Opus" is derived. 1994's MOST BIZARRE SUICIDE At the 1994 annual awards dinner given by the American Association for Forensic Science, AAFS President Don Harper Mills astounded his audience in San Diego with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story. "On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound of the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide (he left a note indicating his despondency). As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been erected at the eighth floor level to protect some window washers and that Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide anyway because of this." "Ordinarily," Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended. That Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below probably would not have changed his mode of death from suicide to homicide. But the fact that his suicidal intent would not have been successful caused the medical examiner to feel that he had homicide on his hands. "The room on the ninth floor whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing and he was threatening her with the shotgun. He was so upset that, when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the a window striking Opus. "When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with this charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant that neither knew that the shotgun was loaded. The old man said it was his long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her therefore, the killing of Opus appeared to be an accident. That is, the gun had been accidentally loaded. "The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior to the fatal incident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus. There was an exquisite twist. "Further investigation revealed that the son [Ronald Opus] had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23, only to be killed by a shotgun blast through a ninth story window. "The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide." From mcafee Fri Sep 1 16:36:50 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA01284; Fri, 1 Sep 95 16:36:50 CDT Date: Fri, 1 Sep 95 16:36:50 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9509012136.AA01284@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Precedence: bulk Subject: Frozen Flying Fowl The FAA has a device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. They point this thing at the windshield of the aircraft and shoot a dead chicken at about the speed the aircraft normally flies at it. If the windshield doesn't break, it's likely to survive a real collision with a bird during flight. The British had recently built a new locomotive that could pull a train faster than any before it. They were not sure that its windshield was strong enough so they borrowed the testing device from the FAA, reset it to approximate the maximum speed of the locomotive, loaded in the dead chicken, and fired. The bird went through the windshield, broke the engineer's chair, and made a major dent in the back wall of the engine cab. They were quite surprised with this result, so they asked the FAA to check the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA checked everything and suggested that they might want to repeat the test using a thawed chicken. _________________________________________ Thanks to Dale Stahl for passing this on. From mcafee Mon Sep 4 13:06:50 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA02589; Mon, 4 Sep 95 13:06:50 CDT Date: Mon, 4 Sep 95 13:06:50 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9509041806.AA02589@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Precedence: bulk Subject: The rain sounded like someone smashing potato chips... (transcribed without permission from the Washington Post, July 23, 1995) In which we asked you to come up with bad analogies. The results were great, though we feel compelled to point out that there is a fine line between an anology that is so bad it is good and an analogy that is so good it is bad. See what we mean. 2nd Runner-Up: I felt a nameless dread. Well, there probably is a long German name for it, like Geschpooklichkeit or something, but I don't speak German. Anyway, it's a dread that nobody knows the name for, like those little square plastic gizmos that close your bread bags. I don't know the name for those either. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase) 1st Runner-Up: She was as unhappy as when someone puts your cake out in the rain, and all the sweet green icing flows down and then you lose the recipe, and on top of that you can't sing worth a damn. (Joseph Romm, Washington) And the winner of the framed Scarlet Fever sign: His fountain pen was so expensive it looked as if someone had grabbed the pope, turned him upside down and started writing with the tip of his big pointy hat. (Jeffrey Carl, Richmond) Honorable Mentions: - He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase) - The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can. (Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.) - He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. (Joseph Romm, Washington) - She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again. (Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station) - She was sending me more mixed signals than a dyslexic third-base coach. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase) - The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. (Russell Beland, Springfield) - Having O.J. try on the bloody glove was a stroke of genius unseen since the debut of Goober on "Mayberry R.F.D". (John Kammer, Herndon) - From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. (Roy Ashley, Washington) - Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center. (Russell Beland, Springfield) - Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:\flw.quid>55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quid>aaakk/ch@ung by mistake. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) - Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. - Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man." (Russell Beland, Springfield) - Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) - They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) - John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. (Russell Beland, Springfield) - The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play. (Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria) - His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) - The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon. (Jennifer Frank and Jimmy Pontzer, Washington and Sterling) __________________________________________________________________ Thanks to Susan Athey for passing this on. From mcafee Thu Sep 7 16:04:40 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA28437; Thu, 7 Sep 95 16:04:40 CDT Date: Thu, 7 Sep 95 16:04:40 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9509072104.AA28437@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Precedence: bulk Subject: Playing Hardball From letters section of the Aug. 14 issue of the New Yorker: "Editors' Note: A mistake made by a transcription service mangled a quotation from William Bennett in Michael Kelly's July 17th letter from Washington. In criticizing the political views of Patrick Buchanan, Mr. Bennett said 'it's a real us-and-them kind of thing,' not, as we reported, 'it's a real S & M kind of thing.' " From mcafee Sat Sep 16 00:07:48 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA23583; Sat, 16 Sep 95 00:07:48 CDT Date: Sat, 16 Sep 95 00:07:48 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9509160507.AA23583@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Precedence: bulk Subject: New Internet Frontiers Why did it take Packwood so long to leave Washington? He had to kiss former lovers goodbye. Hal Varian provided the following, which you should surely look for: Commercial domains registered by Procter and Gamble during the two weeks ended Aug. 25. 1995. Procter and Gamble (ANTIPERSPIRANT-DOM) Procter and Gamble (BACTERIA-DOM) Procter and Gamble (BADBREATH-DOM) Procter and Gamble (BEAUTIFUL-DOM) Procter and Gamble (BRIGHTEN-DOM) Procter and Gamble (BRIGHTENING-DOM) Procter and Gamble (BRIGHTENS-DOM) Procter and Gamble (CAVITIES-DOM) Procter and Gamble (CLEANS-DOM) Procter and Gamble (COMPLEXION-DOM) Procter and Gamble (CONDITIONER-DOM) Procter and Gamble (DANDRUFF-DOM) Procter and Gamble (DENTALCARE-DOM) Procter and Gamble (DENTURES-DOM) Procter and Gamble (DEODERANT-DOM) Procter and Gamble (DIARRHEA-DOM) Procter and Gamble (DISHES-DOM) Procter and Gamble (DISINFECT-DOM) Procter and Gamble (DRY-DOM) Procter and Gamble (FRESHNESS-DOM) Procter and Gamble (GERMS-DOM) Procter and Gamble (GUMS-DOM) Procter and Gamble (HEADACHE-DOM) Procter and Gamble (HYGIENE-DOM) Procter and Gamble (NAILS-DOM) Procter and Gamble (PIMPLES-DOM) Procter and Gamble (ROMANTIC-DOM) Procter and Gamble (SCALP-DOM) Procter and Gamble (SENSITIVE-DOM) Procter and Gamble (SENSUAL2-DOM) Procter and Gamble (STAINS-DOM) Procter and Gamble (THIRST-DOM) Procter and Gamble (TISSUES-DOM) Procter and Gamble (TOILETPAPER-DOM) Procter and Gamble (UNDERARM-DOM) Procter and Gamble (UNDERARMS-DOM) From mcafee Sun Sep 17 07:58:51 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA14904; Sun, 17 Sep 95 07:58:51 CDT Date: Sun, 17 Sep 95 07:58:51 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9509171258.AA14904@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Precedence: bulk Subject: See Dick Strike Out Brasilia, Brazil - AIDS awareness ads showing a womanizer arguing with his penis, nicknamed Braulio, were removed from the airwaves Saturday in part because children named Braulio were being teased. The ads, first aired on TV and radio Thursday, feature a man at odds with his penis, which insists on having indiscriminate sex with as many women as possible without using a condom. In one spot, Braulio's owner, played by a fully clothed actor sitting in a chair, has the following dialogue with Braulio: Braulio: "This place is full of interesting women." Owner: "Behave yourself, Braulio." Braulio: "How do you expect me to behave with so many beautiful women?" Owner: "OK, but if you come out you're going to have to wear a condom." Braulio: "OK, you win. But get the condom quickly because there's this gorgeous woman staring at me." The CBN all-news radio network said its Brasilia affiliates got indignant calls from relatives of Braulios concerned about jokes and improprieties. "In a first world country, we'd be getting rich with a libel suit," said businessman Braulio Torres, 58, who told the daily Estado de Sao Paulo he's been the brunt of jokes since the ads began." The Health Ministry hired the Master polling agency in the southern city of Curitiba to find out popular nicknames for the male sex organ, newspapers reported. Among them were Anastacio, Bimbo, Tonho, Petronio and Braulio. The oBther namesCwere Creportedly discarded for different reasons - Petronio was too long [!], Bimbo too childish. Braulio was felt to be just right. *AzbI> This To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Precedence: bulk Subject: See Dick Strike Out, Again Line noise sent an earlier version of this unfinished. Sorry. _____________________________ From today's Austin American-Statesman, quoted verbatim: Brasilia, Brazil - AIDS awareness ads showing a womanizer arguing with his penis, nicknamed Braulio, were removed from the airwaves Saturday in part because children named Braulio were being teased. The ads, first aired on TV and radio Thursday, feature a man at odds with his penis, which insists on having indiscriminate sex with as many women as possible without using a condom. In one spot, Braulio's owner, played by a fully clothed actor sitting in a chair, has the following dialogue with Braulio: Braulio: "This place is full of interesting women." Owner: "Behave yourself, Braulio." Braulio: "How do you expect me to behave with so many beautiful women?" Owner: "OK, but if you come out you're going to have to wear a condom." Braulio: "OK, you win. But get the condom quickly because there's this gorgeous woman staring at me." The CBN all-news radio network said its Brasilia affiliates got indignant calls from relatives of Braulios concerned about jokes and improprieties. "In a first world country, we'd be getting rich with a libel suit," said businessman Braulio Torres, 58, who told the daily Estado de Sao Paulo he's been the brunt of jokes since the ads began." The Health Ministry hired the Master polling agency in the southern city of Curitiba to find out popular nicknames for the male sex organ, newspapers reported. Among them were Anastacio, Bimbo, Tonho, Petronio and Braulio. The other names were reportedly discarded for different reasons - Petronio was too long [!], Bimbo too childish. Braulio was felt to be just right. From mcafee Mon Sep 18 12:48:49 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA13191; Mon, 18 Sep 95 12:48:49 CDT Date: Mon, 18 Sep 95 12:48:49 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9509181748.AA13191@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Precedence: bulk Subject: Name Recognition OTTAWA (Reuter) - A gas station owner named Dick Assman, plucked from obscurity and made the butt of jokes on the David Letterman comedy talk show, has become a star in Canada, a polling company said Monday. Assman, from the province of Saskatchewan, was a regular feature on Letterman's show early in the summer and the Angus Reid polling group has found that half of Canadians now recognize Assman's name and more than one million Canadians said they would vote for him if he ran for public office. _______________________________________ Provided by Lones Smith. From mcafee Fri Sep 22 12:09:36 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA00752; Fri, 22 Sep 95 12:09:36 CDT Date: Fri, 22 Sep 95 12:09:36 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9509221709.AA00752@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Precedence: bulk Subject: Rattled PLAYING CATCH WITH RATTLESNAKE LEAVES MAN DEAD ANNISTON, Ala. - One man died and another was hospitalized after the two had played catch using a live rattlesnake. Calhoun County Coroner Benney Hulsey said that Joe Buddy Caine, 35, of Edwardsville, Ala., was pronounced dead at Regional Medical Center in Anniston. He died a little more than an hour after being bitten on the arm by a 4-foot rattlesnake Wednesday night. Junior Bright, whose age was unavailable, was also bitten. He remained in serious condition at the medical center late Thursday. Cleburne Emergency Medical Service medic Skipper Bailey said the men told ambulance personnel they had been drinking following a day of work at a farm. After the two became intoxicated, they found the snake. Bailey said the two would catch the snake by the tail, let it go and catch it again. "Then the snake got tired of being caught by the tail," Bailey said. It first bit Bright on the hand. When Caine attempted to kill it, the snake struck him on the arm. Help was delayed because they called 911 for an ambulance instead of going to the hospital. They were semi-conscious when paramedics arrived. Caine went into cardiac arrest on the way to the hospital. ____________________________________ From the Houston Chronicle, Saturday, Sept. 9, 1995, p.9A. Thanks to Clayton Vernon for passing a copy of this article on to me. From mcafee Tue Sep 26 14:09:36 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA07017; Tue, 26 Sep 95 14:09:36 CDT Date: Tue, 26 Sep 95 14:09:36 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9509261909.AA07017@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Precedence: bulk Subject: Trumping the Dummy From the New Republic: "In his diaries, Oregon Senator Bob Packwood said of a bridge opponent: 'God, was she a good player, I was so fascinated in watching her bid and play that I could hardly concentrate on the breasts.'" __________________________ Thanks to David M. Frankel From mcafee Wed Sep 27 13:22:56 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA29297; Wed, 27 Sep 95 13:22:56 CDT Date: Wed, 27 Sep 95 13:22:56 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9509271822.AA29297@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Precedence: bulk Subject: More for the Relationship-Challenged THE FIVE TOUGHEST QUESTIONS WOMEN ASK...AND THEIR ANSWERS The five questions are: 1 - "What are you thinking?" 2 - "Do you love me?" 3 - "Do I look fat?" 4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?" 5 - "What would you do if I died?" What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example: 1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course, is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things: a - Baseball b - Football [in Canada, substitute Hockey] c - How fat you are. d - How much prettier she is than you. e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died. According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking." The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers: 2 - "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear." Wrong answers include: a - I suppose so. b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes? c - That depends on what you mean by "love". d - Does it matter? e - Who, me? 3 - "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then leave the room at the first opportunity. Wrong answers include: a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either. b - Compared to what? c - A little extra weight looks good on you. d - I've seen fatter. e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy. 4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were starring at so hard that you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include: a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way. b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things. c - Yes, but you have a better personality. d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner. e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy. 5 - "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event that you predecease me, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke: "Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?" "Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?" "Would you remarry?" persevered the wife. "No, of couse not, dear" said the husband. "Don't you like being married?" said the wife. "Of course I do, dear" he said. "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" "Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry." "You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt. "Yes" said the husband. "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife, after a long pause. "Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband. "I see," said the wife indignantly." And would you let her wear my old clothes?" "I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband. "Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?" "Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do." "Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too." "Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed." From mcafee Thu Sep 28 12:16:48 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA25596; Thu, 28 Sep 95 12:16:48 CDT Date: Thu, 28 Sep 95 12:16:48 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9509281716.AA25596@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Precedence: bulk Subject: Golf Perils A man returns home on Saturday morning from his customary round of golf. His wife meets him at the door and exclaims, "Honey, what happened? You look awful!" The man replies, "You won't believe it. Harry and I were just teeing off on the third hole when he suffered a massive heart attack and dropped dead on the spot." His wife responds "No wonder you look so bad; what a terrible morning!" "You're not kidding," the man replied, "I had to carry him for sixteen holes because we didn't have a cart!" _____________________________________ Thanks to Curt Taylor. From mcafee Fri Sep 29 13:35:19 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA15979; Fri, 29 Sep 95 13:35:19 CDT Date: Fri, 29 Sep 95 13:35:19 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9509291835.AA15979@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Precedence: bulk Subject: Approximations For those of you who still have any confidence in Microsoft products, find yourself a Mac or PC and run Excel. Then type the following number into a cell: 1.40737488355328 For those without it handy - Excel turns this number to 0.64. On some PowerMacs, it turns it into 1.28. This effect seems to work on lots of versions, including the latest. However, you shouldn't worry too much about this - the Pentium will change it back. I haven't personally verified this story (it comes from a usually reliable source), because I don't use spreadsheets myself, since I figure spreadsheets are appropriate for sociologists, research assistants or business school professors. From mcafee Tue Oct 3 18:46:58 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA16088; Tue, 3 Oct 95 18:46:58 CDT Date: Tue, 3 Oct 95 18:46:58 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9510032346.AA16088@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Precedence: bulk Subject: Tried and True What did OJ say to Judge Ito, after the acquittal? Can I have my hat and gloves back? What did Ronald Reagan say to OJ? Now that this is all over, I want you and Nicole to come over for dinner. How will OJ earn enough money to pay his lawyers? Advertising the Ginzu knife ("See it slice this tomato..."). From mcafee Thu Oct 5 10:15:46 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA21824; Thu, 5 Oct 95 10:15:46 CDT Date: Thu, 5 Oct 95 10:15:46 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9510051515.AA21824@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Precedence: bulk Subject: The Marginal Product of Labor How many Teamsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Twelve. You gotta problem with that? _____________________________________ Thanks to Max Stinchcombe. From mcafee Wed Oct 11 21:51:02 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA08149; Wed, 11 Oct 95 21:51:02 CDT Date: Wed, 11 Oct 95 21:51:02 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9510120251.AA08149@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Precedence: bulk Subject: Never Mind I posted some of these a while back, but this is a remarkable list. ___________________________________________________________________ "Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." --Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949 "I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." --Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943 "I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." --The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957 "But what ... is it good for?" --Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip. "There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." --Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977 "640K ought to be enough for anybody." -- Bill Gates, 1981 "This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." --Western Union internal memo, 1876. "The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" --David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s. "The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible." --A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.) "Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" --H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927. "I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper." --Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind." "A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make." --Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies. "We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." --Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962. "Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." --Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895. "If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this." --Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads. "So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we' ll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'" --Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer. "Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools." --1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work. "You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training." --Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable" problem by inventing Nautilus. "Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy." --Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859. "Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." --Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929. "Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." --Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre. "Everything that can be invented has been invented." --Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899. "Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction". --Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872 "The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon". --Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon- Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873. From mcafee Wed Oct 11 22:46:27 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA14498; Wed, 11 Oct 95 22:46:27 CDT Date: Wed, 11 Oct 95 22:46:27 CDT From: mcafee (R Preston McAfee) Message-Id: <9510120346.AA14498@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Precedence: bulk Subject: Living Well Joshua Gans offers the following addendum to Never Mind, appropriate given Lucas' Nobel Prize: "the major conclusion is known, and the novelty of the paper resides in the analysis ... If it has a clear result, it is hidden by the exposition." - the editor of the AER in rejecting Lucas' "Expectations and the Neutrality of Money" "But I am not at all sure that the very abstract presentation which reduces what is going on economically to a bare minimum will have wide appeal to the reader of the AER." - a referee in rejecting Lucas' "Expectations and the Neutrality of Money" __________________________________________________________________ But the AER has gotten *much* better... From mcafee Thu Oct 12 10:42:51 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA28946; Thu, 12 Oct 95 10:42:51 CDT Date: Thu, 12 Oct 1995 10:42:50 -0500 (CDT) From: R Preston McAfee X-Sender: mcafee@mundo To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Corrections to Never Mind Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII From: rjs@rpcp.mit.edu (Richard Jay Solomon) While some of these quotes are true, others are proven urban myths. Neither Harry nor Sam Warner said that about talkies (though I have often seen it ascribed to one or the other). Indeed, in 1927, Warner Bros. was betting the farm on sound movies, funded the "Jazz Singer," and later won an important patent infringement against Western Electric on sound movies. No one at Western Union wrote that memo. It was forged many decades later as a joke. W.U. was actively pursuing telephone patents in the late 1870s; they just bet on the wrong inventor and settled out of court with AT&T later. Actually the story is very complicated, but they liked telephones enough to build systems even before Alex. Tom Watson, Sr. didn't even know what a computer was in 1943 -- they were top secret and the only one was in Britain at Bletchley. Von Neumann made that statement in 1954 (I have witnesses on tape) when he was a consultant to IBM on the 701. Watson Jr. was the one who pushed the machine through IBM. He was an optimist. He estimated that they would sell twenty 701s, and they only sold 19. The U.K. Ministry of Trade put out a report around 1951 stating there was only need for ONE Commonwealth computer and there were going to put it in India so they could fly the printouts to all parts of the Empire with equal time. Von Neumann was responding to that report -- he thought he was being optimistic but cautioned that after all the math "problems" were solved, we should scrap all but one machine, and keep that last one in the Smithsonian for demos. He was right. His Edvac is in the Smithsonian. The Woz _was_ working for HP. He quit when they turned him down on the Apple I breadboard, sold his humongous HP calculator, and went into business with Jobs. The Sarnoff memo was also a forgery to make him look good. Again, the real story of radio is much more complicated. Sarnoff wasn't even a player at the time. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Sat Oct 14 16:06:48 1995 Received: by eco.utexas.edu (4.1/1.34/ECO 1.1) id AA25859; Sat, 14 Oct 95 16:06:48 CDT Date: Sat, 14 Oct 95 16:06:48 CDT Message-Id: <9510142106.AA25859@eco.utexas.edu> To: joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: mcafee Precedence: bulk Subject: Do as I say Subject: Hands-on demonstration HONOLULU, Oct.13 (AP) - An anger-management consultant counselor beat a client into a coma at a class on controlling violent behavior, the police said. The counselor was charged with manslaughter on Thursday, after the client died in a hospital. The victim, Miguel Gonzales, 32, had been unconscious since Monday night, when the authorities said he was beaten by the counselor, Charles Mahuka, a leader of an anger-management class that Mr. Gonzales was ordered to attend for assaulting his girlfriend. (NYTimes, October 14, 1995) __________________________________________________________________ Thanks to Leonardo Auernheimer for bringing this to our attention. -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu containing the line "unsubscribe joke". Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Tue Oct 17 21:00:07 1995 Date: Tue, 17 Oct 95 21:00:07 CDT To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: mcafee@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Spanning Condition Paragon Cable in New York uses a novel strategy to get its customers to pay their overdue bills. Instead of incurring the costs associated with unhooking the cable and reconnecting it, Paragon runs C-SPAN on all 77 channels. It's supposedly the most effective bill collection measure yet. (Telecommunications Policy Review 8 Oct 95 p9) _______________________________________________________ Thanks to "El Deano." This item also appeared in "News of the Weird." -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Tue Oct 24 14:17:12 1995 Date: Tue, 24 Oct 95 14:17:12 CDT To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: mcafee@eco.utexas.edu Subject: The Untied Nations This is excerpted from a story in today's Washington Post, by Henry Allen. THE UNTIED NATIONS: MAPPING A NEW WORLD DISORDER Isn't it time the United Nations stopped this global village idiocy and put on its thinking cap? Today, pathetically, it groups countries together merely because they're next to each other, and then gives them a name such as "South Asia" or "Europe." This is known as the fallacy of deterministic contiguity. Granted, there have been such noncontiguous groupings as the "Third World," which links Bangladesh and Sudan with parts of New Jersey by virtue of squalor, hopelessness and bad drivers. Now, if only the United Nations would move into the computer age, it could come up with infinite combinations of nationhood, such as: Countries where any of the following can be used in lieu of currency: chewing gum, Levi's, surface-to-air missles. Countries whose leaders appear in bulky armchairs that seem made for no other use but photo opportunities: Syria and China, for instance. Countries where the trains run on time. Countries where the trains never run on time. Countries where there used to be trains. Countries where nobody knows what time it is. There could be the U.N. Office of Somewhat Boring, Truce-Brokering, Nuclear-Sub-Protesting Countries, which include Sweden, Canada, Belgium, Switzerland and Costa Rica, the sort of countries where peace treaties get signed, along with accords, protocols, white papers and processes, all in a cordial atmosphere of mutual understanding watched over by Jimmy Carter. We could have Organizations for Countries Whose Leading Spectator Sports are Bus Plunges and Ferry Sinkings, a portfolio that might include countries where people shake fists at TV cameras and men always look as if there last shave was a week ago. How do they get that look [aka the Bronars look]? It's not quite a beard, not quite clean shaven. Bad razors? Good scissors? There could be directorates or missions for countries with Name Instability, and agencies or bureaus for countries with Name Stability. Name-stable countries include the United States of America, France, Canada [we'll see], Sweden and Australia. Name Stability correlates with power, prestige, money and being hated by billions of people in the name unstable world. The name instability desk: One thinks of Myanmar [Burma], Burkina Faso [Upper Volta], Cambodia [Kampuchea, which replaced, of all things, Cambodia], next to Thailand [Siam]. Expertise at the Name Instability Desk would include relic smuggling, cholera, and staying calm in the face of the sporadic nature of just about everything, such as electricity, tap water, presidencies, and mortar fire. Name instability correlates with the export of jute, sisal, copra and bauxite. Some countries have many names, which insures that the one you use is inappropriate: Japan/Nippon/Nihon, and Holland/The Netherlands. One of these stands alone: England/Britian/Great Britian/United Kingdom, and sometimes Albion. It could have its own desk, dealing with nations using sweet corn as a pizza topping, or nations whose subways are full of stone-drunk, tattooed men who stare very hard at you at ten in the morning, or nations with that "slightly gone to seed" feeling. We could apply this to the United States as well. Rather than have names like "the midwest" or "New England," we could group places where most people live in trailer parks and there are frequent tornadoes, towns where public services are so bad that the fire department doesn't make housecalls, and places where English is spoken as a second language but there doesn't seem to be a first language, like the Bronx and boarding schools. -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Wed Oct 25 18:05:42 1995 Date: Wed, 25 Oct 95 18:05:42 CDT To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: mcafee@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Who cares if she's anatomically correct? Mattel has introduced a new, Divorced Barbie. She comes with all Ken's stuff. ___________________________________________ Thanks to Al Slivinski -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Thu Nov 2 20:58:12 1995 Date: Thu, 2 Nov 95 20:58:12 CST To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: mcafee@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Abort, Retry, Ignore? This will appeal to some fraction of the subscribers and be hated by the rest; so you can abort after the first paragraph, as opposed to reading hoping it will get better. It won't. (It is to the meter of "The Raven" by Edgar Allen Poe...) Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary, System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor, Longing for the warmth of bed sheets, still I sat there doing spreadsheets. Having reached the bottom line I took a floppy from the drawer, I then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to store, Only this and nothing more. Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing, Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more. But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token. "Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!" One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more, Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?" Was this some occult illusion, some maniacal intrusion? These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before. Carefully I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises. The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more. Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more, From "Abort, Retry, Ignore?" With fingers pale and trembling, slowly toward the keyboard bending, Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored, Praying for some guarantee, timidly, I pressed a key. But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before. Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore, Saying "Abort, Retry, Ignore?" I tried to catch the chips off guard, and pressed again, but twice as hard. I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I swore. Now in mighty desperation, trying random combinations, Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before. Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before. Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?" There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted. Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor. And then I saw a dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night. A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core. The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore. Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?" To this day I do not know the place to which lost data go. What demonic nether world us wrought where lost data will be stored, Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes? But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more, You will one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore, Pleading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?" -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Thu Nov 2 21:09:32 1995 Date: Thu, 2 Nov 95 21:09:32 CST To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: mcafee@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Oh, Yeah? ********* Step one: HOW TO WIN ANY ARGUMENT **************************** I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules: * Drink Liquor. (Mescal, JD, or Vodka preferred) Suppose you're at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you're drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you drink several large shots of Jack Daniels, you'll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You'll be a WEALTH of information. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room. * Make things up. Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove that Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and you're damned if you're going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are underpaid." Say: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level." NOTE: Always make up exact figures. If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up, too. Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford Commission published May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?" Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say "You left your soiled underwear in my bath house." * Use meaningless but weightly-sounding words and phrases. Memorize this list: Let me put it this way In terms of Vis-a-vis Per se As it were Qua So to speak well, any-who You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.," "e.g.," and "i.e." These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you do not." Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say: "Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't have enough money." You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say: "Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D." Only a fool would challenge that statement. * Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks. You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevent phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best are: You're begging the question. You're being defensive. Don't compare apples and oranges. What are your parameters? This last one is especially valuable. Nobody, other than mathematicians, has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means. Here's how to use your comebacks: You say As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873... Your opponent says Lincoln died in 1865. You say You're begging the question. OR You say Liberians, like most Asians... Your opponent says Liberia is in Africa. You say You're being defensive. * Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler. This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say: "That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say" or "You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler." You now know how to out-argue anybody. Stay tuned for Step two: HOW TO USE HYPNOTISM TO IMPROVE YOUR SOCIAL LIFE _______________________________ Thanks to Judith Searcy for this useful advice. -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Mon Nov 6 13:31:58 1995 Date: Mon, 6 Nov 95 13:31:58 CST To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: mcafee@eco.utexas.edu Subject: This conference stinks I received an announcement for a conference today from Ted Bergstrom. Here is a partial summary. _____________________________________________________________________ Call For Papers: Scientific Program International Livestock Odor Conference '95. Iowa State University, Ames, Iowa USA The goal of this proceedings is to expand overall scientific knowledge on livestock odor resarch. Titles and summaries must specifically address livestock odor and be based on quantitative and/or qualitative data. Categories for review include advances in livestock odor research in the following areas: * Odor quantification * Odor management * Psychological issues * Costs of odor reduction * Regulatory and legal issues * Odor-masking technologies For more information: Telephone: (515) 294-4406 Fax: (515) 294-6019 Internet: pigodor@iastate.edu ________________________________________________________________ No word yet on whether multimedia [scratch and sniff] will be used. -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Tue Nov 7 22:26:41 1995 Date: Tue, 7 Nov 95 22:26:41 CST To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: mcafee@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Dig It Paleoanthropology Division Smithsonian Institute 207 Pennsylvania Avenue Washington, DC 20078 Dear Sir: Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin: 1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone. 2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids. 3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that: A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on. B. Clams don't have teeth. It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin. However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench. Yours in Science, Harvey Rowe Curator, Antiquities ________________________________________________________________________ I thank Steve Turnbull for sending me this curiosity. -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Thu Nov 9 22:08:23 1995 Date: Thu, 9 Nov 95 22:08:23 CST To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: mcafee@eco.utexas.edu Subject: A Natural Experiment The U.S. Department of Labor has a toll free number 1-800-786-4975 for minimum wage workers to call and lobby for an increase in the minimum wage. When you call this number, they ask you to say how an increase in the minimum wage would benefit you. ________________________________________________________ Thanks to Steve Bronars for keeping us apprised of how the government spends our tax dollars. -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Thu Nov 9 22:18:22 1995 Date: Thu, 9 Nov 95 22:18:22 CST To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: mcafee@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Who pays for those surveys? The Dept. of Labor? The Nov/Dec issue of Mother Jones contains this pearl of wisdom from Jeremy Rifkin: Virtually every survey of the past several years indicates that both women and men would prefer fewer hours of work and more time at home and in the community, if their wages and benefit packages would not suffer. ________________________________________________________________ Thanks to alert M.J. reader Mike Williams -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Wed Nov 22 21:49:18 1995 Date: Wed, 22 Nov 95 21:49:18 CST To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: mcafee@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Thanksgiving Thoughts I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": 1. fighting; 2. fleeing; 3.feeding; and 4. mating. Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago: "Of all the radio stations in Chicago...we're one of them." The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?" Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world. -- Dave Barry There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets? -- Dick Cavett If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base. -- Dave Barry I am sick unto death of obscure English towns that exist seemingly for the sole accommodation of these so-called limerick writers -- and even sicker of their residents, all of whom suffer from physical deformities and spend their time dismembering relatives at fancy dress balls. -- Editor of the Limerick Times (Limerick, Ireland) When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl. As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money. What's important is that you continue to do so. -- Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan Attorney I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not! -- Monty Python Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease." Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress." A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit. -- In the August 1993 issue, page 9, of PS magazine, the Army's magazine of preventive maintenance An Animated Cartoon Theology: 1. People are animals. 2. The body is mortal and subject to incredible pain. 3. Life is antagonistic to the living. 4. The flesh can be sawed, crushed, frozen, stretched, burned, bombed, and plucked for music. 5. The dumb are abused by the smart and the smart destroyed by their own cunning. 6. The small are tortured by the large and the large destroyed by their own momentum. 7. We are able to walk on air, but only as long as our illusion supports us. -- E. L. Doctorow "The Book of Daniel" On one occasion a student burst into his office. "Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me." To which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award." Old Yiddish proverb: "If triangles had a God, He'd have three sides." Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night." -- Charlie Brown, _Peanuts_ [Charles Schulz] Sacred cows make the best hamburger. -- Mark Twain -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Thu Nov 30 09:34:16 1995 Date: Thu, 30 Nov 95 09:34:16 CST To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: mcafee@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Making a List From a column by Maureen Dowd on Christmas catalogs in today's Austin American Statesman: The downscale catalogs are the last refuge of surrealism. Who can resist reindeer antlers that fit on a cat's head, a biker jacket for a dog, sunglasses with Elvis sideburns, a Santa cap with dreadlocks, and a golf beret "crafted from turf-like material to look and feel just like a miniature putting green and featuring a miniature flag pole and plastic golf ball?" __________________________ Thanks to Judith Searcy for bringing that tidbit to our attention. Meanwhile, I've been wondering what possible evolutionary reason there is for yawning to be contagious. I think it is an inter-species contagion - my cat seems to yawn after I do. -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Thu Nov 30 14:22:37 1995 Date: Thu, 30 Nov 95 14:22:37 CST To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: mcafee@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Spin [out of] Control I have a new office phone number: (512) 475-8533. Perhaps I should have called this "Tootling with Vigour, Part II" A story in the San Francisco Chronicle (approx. Nov 27) reports the following: Stanford's Grand Plan to Promote University In a new game plan for promoting Stanford University, school officials are being asked to use six specific words, including "incomparable" and "stunning" when they talk about the university. The half-dozen descriptions are included in a new 30-page "strategic communication plan" which suggests the best ways to promote the university to outsiders, alumni, parents, prospective students and faculty, foundation officials and potential donors. Director of Communications, Terry Shepard, selected the six key words after watching a 30-second television commercial produced by Stanford and shown on sports programs during the football season. "The words `challenging, vibrant, pioneering, and incomparable' are flashed on the screen with a backdrop of the campus", he said. After that it was easy to add the words, "Western (as part of pioneering), boundless and stunning. The word "excellence" was considered 'because it does describe Stanford", Shepard said, but was discarded because it is overused. "My idea was to see if we could all use the same terms so that Stanford would come to mean the same things to people", he said. The goal is to communicate the idea of the "essential Stanford" what defines the university and differentiates it from its competitors. Under the word "boundless", for example, the plan notes that Stanford spans "more fields of endeavor than our Eastern competitors". According to the suggested script, Stanford is "open, accessible, inclusive: open to any student of exceptional merit, not just the wealthy. Selective and exclusive, but on the basis of merit." "Rather than a detailed symphony score, it is meant to be a jazz tune, allowing you to do your solos and improvizations", Shepard wrote. "If enough of us can consistently sound the right notes, the result will fulfill the definition of a melody: a rhythmic succession of single tones organized as an aesthetic whole." ---------- Thanks to Ted Bergstrom for sharing that with us. -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Fri Dec 1 07:12:34 1995 Date: Fri, 1 Dec 95 07:12:34 CST To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: mcafee@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Sysop Claus Top 10 similarities between Santa Claus and system administrators. 10. Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny. 9. Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your $HOME. 8. Santa laughs entirely too much. 7. Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions. 6. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work themselves. 5. Santa doesn't care about your deadlines. 4. When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he's got, he says, "Elves make it for me." 3. Santa seldom answers your mail. 2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are infinitessimal. 1. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence. _______________________________________ Thanks to Bob Parks -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Tue Dec 5 17:43:13 1995 Date: Tue, 5 Dec 95 17:43:13 CST To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: mcafee@eco.utexas.edu Subject: The Canadian Pastime There are thousands of this type of list; this one, sent to me by frequent contributor Al Slivinski, struck me as better than usual. Top Ten Reasons why Hockey is Better Than Sex: 10. You can tell your friends about it afterwards. 9. You know you're finished when the buzzer sounds. 8. A two-on-one or three-on-one is not uncommon. 7. It lasts a full hour. 6. The puck is always hard. 5. It's legal to play hockey professionally. 4. Protective equipment is reusable and you don't even have to wash it. 3. You can count on it at least twice a week. 2. Your parents cheer when you score. 1. Periods only last 20 minutes. -- -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Sent via ExpressNet/SMTP(tm), Internet Gateway of the Gods! ExpressNet/SMTP (c)1994-95 Delphic Software, Inc. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Fri Dec 8 19:39:27 1995 Date: Fri, 8 Dec 95 19:39:27 CST To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: mcafee@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Deep Doo-Doo Politicians are like diapers: they should be changed often, and for the same reason. -Tom Blair -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Sat Dec 9 19:50:56 1995 Date: Sat, 9 Dec 95 19:50:56 CST To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: mcafee@eco.utexas.edu Subject: What's on? BUNNICULA - THE VAMPIRE RABBIT. (1982) Strange things happen to a family after they adopt an abandoned bunny. * * 1/2 GIRLFRIEND FROM HELL. (1990) Liane Curtis, Dana Ashbrook. A birthday bash is disrupted when a guest is possessed by the devil and a heavenly hit man crashes the proceedings. * I hate it when that happens. These are real movies, by the way. -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Wed Dec 13 21:06:04 1995 Date: Wed, 13 Dec 95 21:06:04 CST To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: mcafee@eco.utexas.edu Subject: No Offramps There it is again. Some clueless FOOL talking about the "Information Superhighway." They don't know JACK about the net. It's NOTHING like a Superhighway. That's a BAD metaphor. Yeah, but suppose the metaphor ran in the OTHER direction. Suppose the HIGHWAYS were like the NET. All right! Severe craziness. A highway HUNDREDS of lanes wide. Most with potholes. Privately operated bridges and overpasses. No highway patrol. A couple of rent-a-cops on bicycles with broken whistles. 500 member VIGILANTE POSSES with nuclear weapons. 237 ON RAMPS at every intersection. NO SIGNS. Wanna get to Ensenada? Holler out the window at a passing truck to ask directions. AD HOC traffic laws. Some lanes would VOTE to make use by a single-occupant-vehicle a CAPITAL OFFENSE on Monday through Friday between 7:00 and 9:00. Other lanes would just SHOOT you without a trial for talking on a car phone. AOL would be a giant diesel-smoking BUS with hundreds of EBOLA victims and a TOILET spewing out on the road behind it. Throwing DEAD WOMBATS and rotten cabbage at the other cars most of which have been ASSEMBLED AT HOME from kits. Some are 2.5 horsepower LAWNMOWER ENGINES with a top speed of nine miles an hour. Others burn NITROGLYCERINE and IDLE at 120. No license tags. World War II BOMBER NOSE ART instead. Terrifying paintings of huge teeth or VAMPIRE EAGLES. Bumper mounted MACHINE GUNS. Flip somebody the finger on this highway and get a WHITE PHOSPHORUS GRENADE up your tailpipe. Flatbed trucks with ANTI-AIRCRAFT MISSILE BATTERIES to shoot down the KRUD Traffic Watch helicopter. A little kid on a tricycle with a squirtgun filled with HYDROCHLORIC ACID. NO OFFRAMPS. Now THAT'S the way to run an Interstate Highway system. _______________________________________________________ This, from Steve Turnbull. And while we're thinking about the interstate system, here is the wisdom of the pundits. Driving across Texas at 55 isn't a long drive, it's a career. Driving slowly to save gas is like writing slowly to save ink. And from Steven Wright: I bought a house with a circular drive. I can't get my car out. -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Fri Dec 15 17:51:47 1995 Date: Fri, 15 Dec 95 17:51:47 CST To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: mcafee@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Catastrophe Cat Bathing as a Martial Art by Bud Herron Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like New, Improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisks it away. I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary - the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace. The time comes, however, when a man must face reality; when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez." When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under you arm and head for the bathtub: * Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.) * Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask and a long-sleeve flak jacket. * Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water. * Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product-testing experiment for J.C. Penney.) * Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more that two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record is -- for cats -- three latherings, so don't expect too much.) * Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat. In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But, at least now he smells a lot better. __________________________________________________________________________ Thanks to Steve Turnbull. -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Sat Dec 16 22:18:36 1995 Date: Sat, 16 Dec 95 22:18:36 CST To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: mcafee@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Studmuffin Update The Studmuffins of Science Calendar competition was evidently one of the more popular emissions from the joke network, judging by the reaction of subscribers. Here is an update. Karen Hopkin admits she "had the idea for the calendar so that I myself could meet guys." But it's not just any beefcake calendar: Hopkin is the producer of NPR's "Science Friday" show, so her calendar is "Studmuffins of Science". "If you have a Y chromosome and a Ph.D., you could be Dr. December!", she advertised. "For the sake of science, you have to do it," said Dr. September's wife, when he told her he had won one of the 12 spots in the calendar. Dr. September -- Brown University researcher Robert Valentini -- thinks the idea "is to make science and medicine more approachable... to make scientists look like real people instead of nerds in the lab who have white coats and play with mice." (AP Still can't find that perfect gift? Read on. Sylvia Branzei, a California school teacher, got her inspiration while clipping her toenails. "I said, `Ooh, what's this icky stuff under my toenails?'," she remembers. Then, "it hit me that there's a lot of gross things about our body that we want to know about." Just out is her new book, "Grossology", which explains most everything that oozes, runs, or otherwise comes out of a person's body. The book even comes with a magnifying glass so children "can analyze their own bodily discharges". The book is selling well. "I write a book about boogers and farts and I'm sitting on a gold mine," Branzei says. "I never thought this was what America wanted." (AP) Thos of you who have subscribed for years may recall The Slush Pile; recent subscribers can find it in our gopher (item 11. Mailing Lists, Subitem 6. Joke, subitem 19. Unsolicited Manuscripts). Here is an addendum. Britain's Literary Review awarded its annual "Bad Sex Prize" this year to Philip Kerr's "Gridiron". The award recognizes literary descriptions of lovemaking that are "redundant, perfunctory, unconvincing, embarrassed and embarrassing, as well as unacceptably crude," a spokesman said. Kerr's "His tremulous thumbs gathered the elastic waist of her panties and plucked them down over the twin golden domes of her behind and back up over the suspended sentences and Sobranie filter-tips of her stocking-tops as, obligingly, she brought her knees up to her chest" apparently met the criteria. Kerr defended his writing. "I think it's rather poetic in a way," he said, adding "Any sex is good sex." (Reuter) -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Wed Dec 20 08:05:24 1995 Date: Wed, 20 Dec 95 08:05:24 CST To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: mcafee@eco.utexas.edu Subject: That Christmas Spirit I always knew the incessant christmas music that we're subjected to from Thanksgiving to New Year's could spark violence. December 19, 1995 CANBERRA, Australia (Reuter) - A battered and bruised Australian Santa Claus has said he will no longer be coming to the boisterous outback town of Bourke after he was attacked by a group of children. Santa and an assistant elf fled to the local police station for help and had to continue their mission handing out sweets from a police wagon with a police escort, Santa told reporters Tuesday. ``They were kicking me in the groin, pinching, punching in the kidneys and trying to grab the sweets and remove my disguise,'' the unfortunate Santa, local businessman John Holmes, said. The attack on Holmes, who weighs in at 196 lbs., by 30 children aged eight to 13, occurred after a carol-singing concert last week. ``I wouldn't have liked to be out in the open for another five minutes,'' Holmes said. It was the third time in three years that a Santa has come under attack in Bourke. In 1993, a different Santa was dragged from his boat on the Darling River and partly stripped. Last year, children at a youth center threw bottles at Holmes during his Santa appearance. After the latest attack, Holmes said he will not be donning the red suit and white beard again. _________________________________________ Thanks to Lones Smith. -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Wed Dec 20 09:25:57 1995 Date: Wed, 20 Dec 95 09:25:57 CST To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: mcafee@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Knowledge Deficits This longish article, supplied by Al Slivinski, was originally published in the Journal of Polymorphous Perversity eight or nine years ago, I think. There are some parts I found quite funny. THE ETIOLOGY & TREATMENT OF CHILDHOOD Jordan W. Smoller University of Pennsylvania Childhood is a syndrome which has only recently begun to receive serious attention from clinicians. The syndrome itself, however, is not at all recent. As early as the 8th century, the Persian historian Kidnom made references to "short, noisy creatures," who may well have been what we now call "children." The treatment of children, however, was unknown until this century, when so-called "child psychologists" and "child psychiatrists" became common. Despite this history of clinical neglect, it has been estimated that well over half of all Americans alive today have experienced childhood directly (Suess, 1983). In fact, the actual numbers are probably much higher, since these data are based on self-reports which may be subject to social desirability biases and retrospective distortion. The growing acceptance of childhood as a distinct phenomenon is reflected in the proposed inclusion of the syndrome in the upcoming Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 4th edition, or DSM-IV, of the American Psychiatric Association (1990). Clinicians are still in disagreement about the significant clinical features of childhood, but the proposed DSM-IV will almost certainly include the following core features: 1. Congenital onset 2. Dwarfism 3. Emotional lability and immaturity 4. Knowledge deficits 5. Legume anorexia Clinical Features of Childhood Although the focus of this paper is on the efficacy of conventional treatment of childhood, the five clinical markers mentioned above merit further discussion for those unfamiliar with this patient population. CONGENITAL ONSET In one of the few existing literature reviews on childhood, Temple- Black (1982) has noted that childhood is almost always present at birth, although it may go undetected for years or even remain subclinical indefinitely. This observation has led some investigators to speculate on a biological contribution to childhood. As one psychologist has put it, "we may soon be in a position to distinguish organic childhood from functional childhood" (Rogers, 1979). DWARFISM This is certainly the most familiar marker of childhood. It is widely known that children are physically short relative to the population at large. Indeed, common clinical wisdom suggests that the treatment of the so-called "small child" (or "tot") is particularly difficult. These children are known to exhibit infantile behavior and display a startling lack of insight (Tom and Jerry, 1967). EMOTIONAL LABILITY AND IMMATURITY This aspect of childhood is often the only basis for a clinician's diagnosis. As a result, many otherwise normal adults are misdiagnosed as children and must suffer the unnecessary social stigma of being labelled a "child" by professionals and friends alike. KNOWLEDGE DEFICITS While many children have IQ's with or even above the norm, almost all will manifest knowledge deficits. Anyone who has known a real child has experienced the frustration of trying to discuss any topic that requires some general knowledge. Children seem to have little knowledge about the world they live in. Politics, art, and science -- children are largely ignorant of these. Perhaps it is because of this ignorance, but the sad fact is that most children have few friends who are not, themselves, children. LEGUME ANOREXIA This last identifying feature is perhaps the most unexpected. Folk wisdom is supported by empirical observation -- children will rarely eat their vegetables (see Popeye, 1957, for review). Causes of Childhood Now that we know what it is, what can we say about the causes of childhood? Recent years have seen a flurry of theory and speculation from a number of perspectives. Some of the most prominent are reviewed below. Sociological Model Emile Durkind was perhaps the first to speculate about sociological causes of childhood. He points out two key observations about children: 1) the vast majority of children are unemployed, and 2) children represent one of the least educated segments of our society. In fact, it has been estimated that less than 20% of children have had more than fourth grade education. Clearly, children are an "out-group." Because of their intellectual handicap, children are even denied the right to vote. From the sociologist's perspective, treatment should be aimed at helping assimilate children into mainstream society. Unfortunately, some victims are so incapacitated by their childhood that they are simply not competent to work. One promising rehabilitation program (Spanky and Alfalfa, 1978) has trained victims of severe childhood to sell lemonade. Biological Model The observation that childhood is usually present from birth has led some to speculate on a biological contribution. An early investigation by Flintstone and Jetson (1939) indicated that childhood runs in families. Their survey of over 8,000 American families revealed that over half contained more than one child. Further investigation revealed that even most non-child family members had experienced childhood at some point. Cross-cultural studies (e.g., Mowgli & Din, 1950) indicate that family childhood is even more prevalent in the Far East. For example, in Indian and Chinese families, as many as three out of four family members may have childhood. Impressive evidence of a genetic component of childhood comes from a large-scale twin study by Brady and Partridge (1972). These authors studied over 106 pairs of twins, looking at concordance rates for childhood. Among identical or monozygotic twins, concordance was unusually high (0.92), i.e., when one twin was diagnosed with childhood, the other twin was almost always a child as well. Psychological Models A considerable number of psychologically-based theories of the development of childhood exist. They are too numerous to review here. Among the more familiar models are Seligman's "learned childishness" model. According to this model, individuals who are treated like children eventually give up and become children. As a counterpoint to such theories, some experts have claimed that childhood does not really exist. Szasz (1980) has called "childhood" an expedient label. In seeking conformity, we handicap those whom we find unruly or too short to deal with by labelling them "children." Treatment of Childhood Efforts to treat childhood are as old as the syndrome itself. Only in modern times, however, have humane and systematic treatment protocols been applied. In part, this increased attention to the problem may be due to the sheer number of individuals suffering from childhood. Government statistics (DHHS) reveal that there are more children alive today than at any time in our history. To paraphrase P.T. Barnum: "There's a child born every minute." The overwhelming number of children has made government intervention inevitable. The nineteenth century saw the institution of what remains the largest single program for the treatment of childhood -- so-called "public schools." Under this colossal program, individuals are placed into treatment groups based on the severity of their condition. For example, those most severely afflicted may be placed in a "kindergarten" program. Patients at this level are typically short, unruly, emotionally immature,and intellectually deficient. Given this type of individual, therapy is essentially one of patient management and of helping the child master basic skills (e.g. finger-painting). Unfortunately, the "school" system has been largely ineffective. Not only is the program a massive tax burden, but it has failed even to slow down the rising incidence of childhood. Faced with this failure and the growing epidemic of childhood, mental health professionals are devoting increasing attention to the treatment of childhood. Given a theoretical framework by Freud's landmark treatises on childhood, child psychiatrists and psychologists claimed great successes in their clinical interventions. By the 1950's, however, the clinicians' optimism had waned. Even after years of costly analysis, many victims remained children. The following case (taken from Gumbie & Poke, 1957) is typical. Billy J., age 8, was brought to treatment by his parents. Billy's affliction was painfully obvious. He stood only 4'3" high and weighed a scant 70 lbs., despite the fact that he ate voraciously. Billy presented a variety of troubling symptoms. His voice was noticeably high for a man. He displayed legume anorexia, and, according to his parents, often refused to bathe. His intellectual functioning was also below normal -- he had little general knowledge and could barely write a structured sentence. Social skills were also deficient. He often spoke inappropriately and exhibited "whining behaviour." His sexual experience was non-existent. Indeed, Billy considered women "icky." His parents reported that his condition had been present from birth, improving gradually after he was placed in a school at age 5. The diagnosis was "primary childhood." After years of painstaking treatment, Billy improved gradually. At age 11, his height and weight have increased, his social skills are broader, and he is now functional enough to hold down a "paper route." After years of this kind of frustration, startling new evidence has come to light which suggests that the prognosis in cases of childhood may not be all gloom. A critical review by Fudd (1972) noted that studies of the childhood syndrome tend to lack careful follow-up. Acting on this observation, Moe, Larrie, and Kirly (1974) began a large-scale longitudinal study. These investigators studied two groups. The first group consisted of 34 children currently engaged in a long-term conventional treatment program. The second was a group of 42 children receiving no treatment. All subjects had been diagnosed as children at least 4 years previously, with a mean duration of childhood of 6.4 years. At the end of one year, the results confirmed the clinical wisdom that childhood is a refractory disorder -- virtually all symptoms persisted and the treatment group was only slightly better off than the controls. The results, however, of a careful 10-year follow-up were startling. The investigators (Moe, Larrie, Kirly , & Shemp, 1984) assessed the original cohort on a variety of measures. General knowledge and emotional maturity were assessed with standard measures. Height was assessed by the "metric system" (see Ruler, 1923), and legume appetite by the Vegetable Appetite Test (VAT) designed by Popeye (1968). Moe et al. found that subjects improved uniformly on all measures. Indeed, in most cases, the subjects appeared to be symptom-free. Moe et al. report a spontaneous remission rate of 95%, a finding which is certain to revolutionize the clinical approach to childhood. These recent results suggests that the prognosis for victims of childhood may not be so bad as we have feared. We must not, however, become too complacent. Despite its apparently high spontaneous remission rate, childhood remains one of the most serious and rapidly growing disorders facing mental health professional today. And, beyond the psychological pain it brings, childhood has recently been linked to a number of physical disorders. Twenty years ago, Howdi, Doodi, and Beauzeau (1965) demonstrated a six-fold increased risk of chicken pox, measles, and mumps among children as compared with normal controls. Later, Barby and Kenn (1971) linked childhood to an elevated risk of accidents -- compared with normal adults, victims of childhood were much more likely to scrape their knees, lose their teeth, and fall off their bikes. Clearly, much more research is needed before we can give any real hope to the millions of victims wracked by this insidious disorder. REFERENCES American Psychiatric Association (1990). The diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders, 4th edition: A preliminary report. Washington, D.C.; APA. Barby, B., & Kenn, K. (1971). The plasticity of behaviour. In B. Barby & K. Kenn (Eds.), Psychotherapies R Us. Detroit: Ronco press. Brady, C., & Partridge, S. (1972). My dads bigger than your dad. Acta Eur. Age, 9, 123-126. Flintstone, F., & Jetson, G. (1939). Cognitive mediation of labour disputes. Industrial Psychology Today, 2, 23-35. Fudd, E.J. (1972). Locus of control and shoe-size. Journal of Footwear Psychology, 78, 345-356. Gumbie, G., & Pokey, P. (1957). A cognitive theory of iron-smelting. Journal of Abnormal Metallurgy, 45, 235-239. Howdi, C., Doodi, C., & Beauzeau, C. (1965). Western civilization: A review of the literature. Reader's digest, 60, 23-25. Moe, R., Larrie, T., & Kirly, Q. (1974). State childhood vs. trait childhood. TV guide, May 12-19, 1-3. Moe, R., Larrie, T., Kirly, Q., & Shemp, C. (1984). Spontaneous remission of childhood In W.C. Fields (Ed.), New hope for children and animals. Hollywood: Acme Press. Popeye, T.S.M. (1957). The use of spinach in extreme circumstances. Journal of Vegetable Science, 58, 530-538. Popeye, T.S.M. (1968). Spinach: A phenomenological perspective. Existential botany, 35, 908-813. Rogers, F. (1979). Becoming my neighbour. New York:Soft press. Ruler, Y. (1923). Assessing measurements protocols by the multi-method multiple regression index for the psychometric analysis of factorial interaction. Annals of Boredom, 67, 1190-1260. Spanky, D., & Alfalfa, Q. (1978). Coping with puberty. Sears catalogue, 45-46. Suess, D.R. (1983). A psychometric analysis of green eggs with and without ham. Journal of clinical cuisine, 245, 567-578. Temple-Black, S. (1982). Childhood: an ever-so sad disorder. Journal of precocity, 3, 129-134. Tom, C., & Jerry, M. (1967). Human behaviour as a model for understanding the rat. In M. de Sade (Ed.). The rewards of Punishment. Paris:Bench press. FURTHER READINGS Christ, J.H. (1980). Grandiosity in children. Journal of applied theology, 1, 1-1000. Joe, G.I. (1965). Aggressive fantasy as wish fulfilment. Archives of General MacArthur, 5, 23-45. Leary, T. (1969). Pharmacotherapy for childhood. Annals of astrological Science, 67, 456-459. Kissoff, K.G.B. (1975). Extinction of learnt behaviour. Paper presented to the Siberian Psychological Association, 38th annual Annual meeting, Kamchatka. Smythe, C., & Barnes, T. (1979). Behaviour therapy prevents tooth decay. Journal of behavioral Orthodontics, 5, 79-89. Potash, S., & Hoser, B. (1980). A failure to replicate the results of Smythe and Barnes. Journal of dental psychiatry, 34, 678-680. Smythe, C., & Barnes, T. (1980). Your study was poorly done: A reply to Potash and Hoser. Annual review of Aquatic psychiatry, 10, 123-156. Potash, S., & Hoser, B. (1981). Your mother wears army boots: A further reply to Smythe and Barnes. Archives of invective research, 56, 5-9. Smythe, C., & Barnes, T. (1982). Embarrassing moments in the sex lives of Potash and Hoser: A further reply. National Enquirer, May 16. -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Tue Jan 2 13:19:33 1996 Date: Tue, 2 Jan 96 13:19:33 CST To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: mcafee@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Newtered Subject: Hunting Giraffes. Real Life Thoughts from Newt: "If combat means living in a ditch, females have biological problems staying in a ditch for thirty days because they get infections and they don't have upper body strength. I mean, some do, but they're relatively rare. On the other hand, men are basically little piglets, you drop them in the ditch, they roll around in it, doesn't matter, you know. These things are very real. On the other hand, if combat means being on an Aegis-class cruiser managing the computer controls for twelve ships and their rockets, a female may be again dramatically better than a male who gets very, very frustrated sitting in a chair all the time because males are biologically driven to go out and hunt giraffes." -- Adjunct Professor Newt Gingrich, Reinhardt College, January 7, 1995, "Renewing American Civilization." -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Wed Jan 10 14:10:50 1996 Date: Wed, 10 Jan 96 14:10:50 CST To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: mcafee@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Mescafe How to Use the Coffeepot from Hell By Umberto Eco There are several ways to prepare good coffee. There is the caffe alla napoletana, the caffe espresso, cafe turque, cafesinho do Brasil, French cafe-filtre, American coffee. Each coffee, in its own way, is excellent. American coffee can be a pale solution served at a temperature of 100 degrees centigrade in plastic thermos cups, usually obligatory in railroad stations for purposes of genocide, whereas coffee made with an American percolator, such as you find in private houses or in humble luncheonettes, served with eggs and bacon, is delicious, fragrant, goes down like pure spring water, and afterwards causes severe palpitations, because one cup contains more caffeine than four espressos. Swill-coffee is something apart. It is usually made from rotten barley, dead men's bones, plus a few genuine coffee beans fished out of the garbage bins of a Celtic dispensary. It is easily recognized by its unmistakable odor of feet marinated in dishwater. It is served in prisons, reform schools, sleeping cars, and luxury hotels. Of course, if you stay at the Plaza Majestic, at the Maria Jolanda & Brabante, at the Des Alpes et Des Bains, you can actually order an espresso, but when it arrives in your room it is almost covered by a sheet of ice. To avoid this mishap you ask instead for the Continental Breakfast, and you lie back, prepared to savor the pleasure of having the day's first meal in bed. The Continental Breakfast consists of two rolls, one croissant, orange juice (in homeopathic measure), a curl of butter, a little pot of blueberry preserve, another of honey, and one of apricot jam, a jug of milk, now cold, a bill totaling a hundred thousand lire, and a devilish pot full of swill. The pots used by normal people - or the good old coffee makers from which you pour the fragrant beverage directly into the cup - allow the coffee to descend through a narrow nozzle or beak, whereas the upper part includes some safety device that keeps the lid closed. The Grand Hotel and wagon-lit swill arrives in a pot with a very wide beak - like a deformed pelican's - and with an extremely mobile lid, so devised that - drawn by an irrepressible horror vacui - it slides automatically downward when the pot is tilted. These two devices allow the hellish pot to pour half the coffee immediately onto the rolls and jam and then, thanks to the sliding lid, to scatter the rest over the sheets. In sleeping cars the pots can be of cheaper manufacture, because the movement of the train itself assists in scattering the coffee; in hotels, on the other hand, the pot must be of china to make the sliding of the lid easier, but still devastating. As to the origin and purpose of the coffeepot from hell, there are two schools of thought. The school of Freiburg asserts that this device allows the hotel to demonstrate, with fresh sheets, that your bed has been duly re-made. The school of Bratislava insists that the motivation is moralistic (cf. Max Weber, The Protestant Ethic and the Spirit of Catholicism): the hellish coffeepot prevents any lazing in bed because it is very uncomfortable to eat a brioche, already steeped in coffee, when you are wrapped in coffee-soaked sheets. The hellish coffeepot is not for sale to individuals, but is produced exclusively for the great hotel chains and for the wagon-lit company. Nor is it used in prisons, where the swill is served in mess tins, because sheets soaked in coffee would be harder to detect in the darkness if knotted together for the purposes of escape. The Freiburg school suggests having the waiter set the breakfast tray on the table and not on the bed. The Bratislava school responds that this indisputably avoids the pouring of coffee on the sheets, but not its spilling over the edge of the tray and soiling the pajamas (the hotel does not provide a new pair daily); and, in any case, pajamas or not, coffee taken at the table falls straight on the abdomen and the genitals, producing burns where they would not be advisable. To this objection the Freiburg school replies with a shrug; and, frankly, this answer is unsatisfactory. ____________________________________________________ From How to Travel with a Salmon & Other Essays by Umberto Eco provided to me by Lynn Hunnicutt -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Thu Jan 11 09:13:49 1996 Date: Thu, 11 Jan 96 09:13:49 CST To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: mcafee@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Your Nerd Quotient For each of the following questions which you answer 'yes,' add one point to your score. Start at zero. Your total at the end, divided by 100, is your nerdness proportion. If you wondered what the starting value was after reading the first sentence, take the cube root of your raw score. If you can't distinguish taking a cube root from cubing your score, you may cube your score instead. If you are wondering what nerds have to do with Picasso, divide your score in half. 1. Have you ever used a computer? 2. Have you ever programmed a computer? 3. Have you ever built a computer? 4. Done #2 continuously for more than four hours? 5. Done #2 continuously for more than eight hours? 6. Did you major in electrical engineering or computer science? 7. Do you wear glasses? 8. Are your glasses broken (and taped together)? 9. Is your vision worse than 20/40? 10. Worse than 20/80? 11. Are you legally blind? 12. Have you ever asked a question in lecture? 13. Have you ever answered a question in lecture? 14. Have you ever corrected a professor? 15. Have you ever answered a rhetorical question? 16. Do you sit in the front row? 17. Do you take notes in more than one color? 18. Have you ever worn a calculator? 19. Do you read science fiction? 20. Have you ever used a microscope? 21. Have you ever used a telescope? 22. Have you ever used an oscilloscope? 23. Is your weight less than your IQ? 24. Have you ever done #2 on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday of the same weekend? 25. Have you ever done #2 past 4 a.m.? 26. Have you ever done #2 with someone of the opposite sex (besides your consultant)? 27. Have you ever done #2 for money? 28. Do you have a Rubik's cube? 29. Can you solve it? 30. Without the book? 31. Without looking? 32. Do you have acne? 33. Do you have greasy hair? 34. Are you unaware of it? 35. Have you ever bought anything from Radio Shack? 36. From Heathkit? 37. Do you know trigonometry? 38. Do you know calculus? 39. Do you know Maxwell's Equations? 40. Do you have them on a t-shirt? 41. Have you ever dissected anything? 42. Do you know pi past five decimal places? 43. Do you know e past five decimal places? 44. Do you own more than $500 in electronics (excluding TV & stereo)? 45. More than $1000? 46. More than $2500? 47. Have you ever built more than $2500 worth of electronics? 48. Have you ever watched Dr. Who? 49. More than three times in the same night? 50. Have you ever read The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy? 51. Was your SAT/GRE math score more than 300 points higher than your verbal? 52. Have you ever done homework on a Friday night? 53. Have you ever pulled an all-nighter? 54. Have you ever redesigned a major household appliance? 55. Have you ever played a computer game? 56. Done #55 in the last three months? 57. Done #55 in the last three weeks? 58. Have you ever written a computer game? 59. Are your pants too short? 60. Do your socks mismatch? 61. Have you used a chemistry set? 62. After the age of 13? 63. Have you ever played D&D (or any other role-playing game)? 64. Since high school? 65. Have you ever entered a science fair? 66. Did you win? 67. Do you own a digital watch? 68. Does it play music? 69. Does it have a calculator? 70. Have you ever used a rare earth element? 71. Do you own a CRC? 72. Do you own a CRT? 73. Do you know RPN? 74. Do you own a laser (over 1 mW)? 75. Were you ever on a chess team? 76. A debate team? 77. Do you know more than 3 programming languages? 78. More than 8? 79. Have you ever made a technical joke? 80. Did no one get it? 81. Are you socially inept? 82. Do you own a pencil case? 83. Do you wear it? 84. Do you know Schrodinger's Equation? 85. Have you ever solved it? 86. Have you ever used the word "asymptotic"? 87. Can you count in binary? 88. Have you ever broken into a computer system? 89. A government system? 90. Have you ever changed your bank account? 91. Changed someone else's? 92. Done #91 for money? 93. Have you ever inhaled helium? 94. Do you know the Latin name for the fruit fly? 95. Do you own anything that is radio controlled? 96. Have you ever interpolated? 97. Have you ever extrapolated? 98. Have you ever used a modem? 99. Can you name more than 10 Star Trek episodes Next generation or old? 100. Can you recite more than 10 Star Trek episodes? _____________________________________________________ I scored .38, which isn't as bad as I feared, given that I've tuned my car with an oscilloscope. I would have done better (lower) except for my MS-Windows solitaire addiction, good for three basis points. Still, .38 isn't too bad for someone who has spent time at both Caltech and MIT. Thanks to Glenn MacDonald, who tunes his guitar with his Heathkit oscilloscope, for this quiz. -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Fri Jan 12 16:30:16 1996 Date: Fri, 12 Jan 96 16:30:16 CST To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: mcafee@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Pleasant Diversion Dialogue monitored by radio and released by the US NAVY: Radio 1: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid collision. Radio 2: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid collision. Radio 1: This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. Radio 2: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course. Radio 1: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE. WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW! Radio 2: This is a lighthouse. Your call. ______________________________________________ Thanks to Pat Fishe. -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Sat Jan 20 14:31:55 1996 Date: Sat, 20 Jan 96 14:31:55 CST To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: mcafee@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Initially the count was ten U.S. Customs Service agents in Eagle Pass, TX, searched the driver and passenger of a pickup and found eight live snakes wrapped in socks and pantyhose inside the two men's underwear. Reported by Texas Monthly, January 1996. In other late-breaking Texas news: Following complaints by cereal companies, the University of Texas retracted a press release containing a professor's warning that "everyone who eats breakfast cereal has swallowed his or her share of rat droppings." Hundreds of people flocked to the wall of a home in east Austin, TX, to pray to an image of the Virgin Mary cast by a light from a nearby church, but they were disappointed when Pastor Pablo Perez ordered the light turned off. A fugitive in Amarillo, TX, evaded sheriff's deputies by stealing a bicycle, only to apprehended when a citizen on horseback roped him with a lariat. New Products: Longhorn cologne, $24 from the Campus Collection of Wilshire Fragrance; Aggie (Texas A&M) casket, in maroon fiberglass, $3,600 from Southwood Funeral Home in College Station. -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Tue Jan 23 17:27:37 1996 Date: Tue, 23 Jan 96 17:27:37 CST To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: mcafee@eco.utexas.edu Subject: I Cannot Tell a Lie "I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." - David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes. "They gave me a book of checks. They didn't ask for any deposits." - Congressman Joe Early (D-Mass) at a press conference to answer questions about the House Bank scandal. "He didn't say that. He was reading what was given to him in a speech." - Richard Darman, director of OMB, explaining why President Bush wasn't following up on his campaign pledge that there would be no loss of wetlands "It depends on your definition of asleep. They were not stretched out. They had their eyes closed. They were seated at their desks with their heads in a nodding position." - John Hogan, Commonwealth Edison Supervisor of News Information, responding to a charge by a Nuclear Regulatory Commission inspector that two Dresden Nuclear Plant operators were sleeping on the job. "I didn't accept it. I received it." - Richard Allen, National Security Advisor to President Reagan, explaining the $1000 in cash and two watches he was given by two Japanese journalists after he helped arrange a private interview for them with First Lady Nancy Reagan. "I was a pilot flying an airplane and it just so happened that where I was flying made what I was doing spying." - Francis Gary Power, U-2 reconnaissance pilot held by the Soviets for spying, in an interview after he was returned to the US "I was under medication when I made the decision not to burn the tapes." - President Richard Nixon "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." - Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward "I support efforts to limit the terms of members of Congress, especially members of the House and members of the Senate." - Vice-President Dan Quayle "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." - Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC "Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway." - Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review board, on chlordane "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history...this century's history.... We all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century." - Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential candidate during a news conference in which he was asked his opinion of the Holocaust "The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe." - Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia "I've always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly underpolluted." - Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries "The crime bill passed by the Senate would reinstate the Federal death penalty for certain violent crimes: assassinating the President; hijackiing an airliner; and murdering a government poultry inspector." - Knight Ridder News Service dispatch "After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post." - Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington Rhode Island "The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing." - Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series _____________________________________ Thanks to Al Slivinski for passing these on. -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Sat Jan 27 08:29:55 1996 Date: Sat, 27 Jan 96 08:29:55 CST To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: mcafee@eco.utexas.edu Subject: For Your Dean How to Compile an Inventory by Umberto Eco The Italian government has given assurances that something will be done to guarantee the autonomy of our country's universities. Italian universities were autonomous in the Middle Ages, and they functioned better than they do today. American universities, whose perfection has become legendary for Europeans, are autonomous. German universities are under the jurisdiction of the regional authorities, but local governments are more alert than a centralized administration, and in many cases - like the appointment of professors - the regional parliament merely ratifies formally what the university itself has already decided. In Italy, if a scientist discovers that phlogiston doesn't exist he will most likely be able to announce his finding only if he happens to teach a course on the Axiomatics of Phlogiston, because a course title, once it is on the ministry's lists, can be changed only after protracted negotiations among all the institutions of higher learning in the country, along with the Superior Council of Education, the Minister, and some other organizations whose names escape me. Research goes forward because someone glimpses a path that no one has seen before, and a few other people, with exceptional decisional flexibility, decide to believe in him or her. But if someone wants to move a desk in Vitipeno, a decision must come from Rome, after consultations with Chivasso, Terontola, Afragola, Montelepre, and Decimomannu, so obviously the desk will be moved only when the move is no longer necessary. Teachers engaged on temporary contracts ought to be outside scholars of great reputation and irreplaceable expertise. But between the submission of the university's request and notification of the ministry's approval we usually reach the end of the academic year, with only a few weeks of instruction remaining (unless the ministry simply says no). Clearly, in such an aleatory situation, it is hard to attract a Nobel laureate, and we end up with the dean's unemployed sister-in-law. Research bogs down also bogs down because the bureaucratic routine makes us waste time solving ridiculous problems. I am the head of a university department. Some years ago we were told to make an inventory of the department's physical possessions, a scrupulous list. Our only available employee was supposed to deal with a thousand other questions. But it was possible to farm out the task to a private organization that asked for three hundred thousand lire. We had the money, but in funds meant for inventoriable materials. How could we declare that an inventory was inventoriable? I had to set up a committee of logicians, who suspended their own researches for three days. In my statement they saw something comparable to The Set of Normal Sets. Then they decided that the act of compiling an inventory, as it is an act, is not an object and therefore cannot be inventoried, but they further decided that its output is the catalogue of the inventory and, as this is an object, it can be inventoried. We asked the private firm to bill us not for the act but for its result, a result that we then inventoried. For several days I distracted serious scholars from their specific tasks, but I avoided going to jail. Some months ago the janitors came and told me we were without toilet paper. I told them to buy some. The secretary told me I currently had funds only for inventoriable materials, and pointed out that while toilet paper can be inventoried, the natural tendency of such paper is to vanish, for reasons that I prefer not to go into, and once it has vanished, it vanishes also from the inventory. I formed a committee of biologists to ask how we could inventory toilet paper, and the answer was that such a thing is possible, but at a very high human cost. I summoned a committee of jurists, who supplied me with the solution. I receive the toilet paper, I inventory it, and I require its distribution among the rest rooms for scientific purposes. If the paper disappears, I report the theft of catalogued material by unknown criminals. Unfortunately, I have to repeat this process every two days, and an inspector from the Secret Services has uttered some heavy insinuations, criticizing an institution that can be infiltrated by unidentified crooks so easily and so frequently. I am under suspicion, but I have an iron-clad alibi. They'll never get me. The flaw is that to find the solution I had again to remove illustrious men of learning, for days and days, from research that would be of use to our country, while we wasted the taxpayers' money on hours of work from teachers and staff, not to mention telephone calls and fax paper. But no one is ever indicted for squandering government money if everything is done within the law. -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Sat Jan 27 16:49:25 1996 Date: Sat, 27 Jan 96 16:49:25 CST To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: mcafee@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Manual Labor How to Choose a Remunerative Profession by Umberto Eco There are certain jobs that are much in demand and that pay very well, but they require careful preparation. For example, the job of setting up around the city those signs that indicate the way to the superhighways. Their purpose is to clear traffic from the downtown area - and also from the superhighways, as we promptly realize once we have followed them and ended up, exhausted, on the most dangerous deadend street in the industrial suburbs. But it is not easy to put signs in exactly the right places. A simpleton might consider placing them at a spot where the driver is confronted with a complicated choice among several streets, and where there is thus a good chance he will get lost if left unassisted. But, on the contrary, the sign must be affixed only where, since the proper route is obvious and the driver would instinctively choose it, he must be sent off in another direction. To do the job really well the applicant should have some notion of urban planning, psychology, and the theory of games. Another very desirable job is that of writing the instructions included in, or printed on, the packaging of domestic appliances and electronic instruments. Above all, these instructions must prevent installation. The ideal model is not that of the thick manuals supplied with computers; these also achieve the aim, but at great cost to the manufacturer. The proper model is rather the folded slip of paper accompanying pharmaceuticals, products with the extra feature of having names that, while apparently scientific, have actually been devised to make obvious the nature of the product as if to ensure that its purchase embarrasses the purchaser (Prostatan, Menopausin, Crabex). The instructions enclosed in the box, in contrast, succeed with a minimum of words in making incomprehensible the warnings on which our lives depend: "No counterindications, except in cases of unforeseen lethal reaction to product." For domestic appliances et similia the instructions must expound at length things so self-evident that you are tempted to skip them, thus missing the one truly essential bit of information: In order to install the PZ40 it is necessary to unwrap the packaging and remove the appliance from the box. The PZ40 can be extracted from its container only after the latter is opened. The container is opened by lifting, in opposite directions, the two flaps of the upper side of the box (see diagram below). Take care, during the process of opening, to keep the container in a vertical position, with the lid facing up, otherwise the PZ40 may fall out during the operation and suffer damage. The lid to be opened is clearly marked with the words THIS SIDE UP. In the event that the lid does not open at the first attempt, the consumer is advised to try a second time. Once the lid is opened, it is advisable to tear off the red strip before removing the inner, aluminum lid; otherwise the container will explode. WARNING: after the PZ40 has been removed, the container can be discarded. Another job that is not to be dismissed lightly is that of compiling questionnaires, usually during the summer season, for popular weekly magazines. "Between a bottle of Epsom salts and one of twenty-year-old cognac, which would you choose? Would you rather spend your vacation with an eighty-year-old leper or with Demi Moore? Do you prefer being sprinkled with ferocious red ants or sharing a sleeping compartment with Claudia Schiffer? If you have answered `1' to all the above questions, then you are inventive, original, brilliant, but sexually a bit frigid. If all your answers are `2', then you're a rascal." In the Medicine and Health supplement of a leading daily I came upon a questionnaire about sunbathing, which allowed you to choose among three answers for every question, A, B, and C. The A answers are interesting: "If you expose your skin to the sun, how red does it get? A: Intensely. How often do you suffer from sunburn? A: Every time I go out in the sun. How would you describe your skin forty-eight hours after the erythema? A: Still red. Solution: if you have answered A to most questions, your skin is very sensitive and you are subject to a painful sunburn." I am thinking of a questionnaire that would ask: "Have you often fallen out of a window? If yes, have you suffered multiple fractures? After each fall, have you been certified as permanently disabled? If your answers are A, either you're pretty stupid or your aural labyrinth is in bad shape. Don't look out the window when the usual jokester yells up from below urging you to come down and join him." --------------------------------- Thanks to Lynn Hunnicut for passing this, and the previous Eco stories, to me. -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From mcafee Mon Jan 29 07:59:49 1996 Date: Mon, 29 Jan 1996 07:59:48 -0600 (CST) From: R Preston McAfee To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Uncommon Comments I teach an intro to microeconomics course; two years ago one of my students wrote "Terrible course. The professor obviously knows nothing about macroeconomics." Guilty as charged. Taken From the MIT Course Evaluation Guide, Fall, 1991: "Text makes a satisfying `thud' when dropped on the floor." "The class is worthwhile because I need it for the degree." "His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame." "Textbook is confusing...Someone with a knowledge of English should proofread it." "Have you ever fell asleep in class and awoke in another? That's the way I felt all term." "Problem sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam material." "Recitation was great. It was so confusing that I forgot who I was, where I was, and what I was doing--It's a great stress reliever." "I would sit in class and stare out the window at the squirrels. They've got a cool nest in the tree." "This course kept me out of trouble from 2-4:30 on Tuesdays and Thursdays." "The absolute value of the TA was less than epsilon." "TA steadily improved throughout the course...I think he started drinking and it really loosened him up." "Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose--spraying in all directions--no way to stop it." From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Tue Jan 30 20:08:09 1996 Date: Tue, 30 Jan 96 20:08:09 CST To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: mcafee@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Some Pig Bill Clinton gets off Air Force One with a pig under each arm. As Clinton passes the Marine at the bottom of the ramp, the Marine salutes and says: "NICE PIGS SIR!" Clinton stops and says: "Soldier, these are not PIGS, they're Arkansas Razorbacks, the finest hogs on earth! I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea." To which the Marine replies: "NICE TRADE SIR!" ____________________________________________ Thanks to Steve Turnbull. -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Wed Jan 31 18:26:54 1996 Date: Wed, 31 Jan 96 18:26:54 CST To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: mcafee@eco.utexas.edu Subject: In both cases, yell FORE! What's the difference between an unlucky skydiver and a bad golfer? The bad golfer goes "WHACK!.....Damn!" -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Mon Feb 5 13:54:56 1996 Date: Mon, 5 Feb 96 13:54:56 CST To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: mcafee@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Say "lavee!" These are from the New York magazine competition where they asked competitors to change *one* letter in a familiar non-English phrase and redefine it. Carpe per diem Seize the money. Idios amigos (We're wild and crazy guys!) J'y suis, J'y pestes (I can stay for the weekend) Respondez s'il vous plaid (Honk if you're Scottish) Que sera, serf (Life is feudal) Pro Bozo publico (Support your local clown) Monage a trois (I am three years old) Felix navidad (Our cat has a boat) Mazel ton! (Lots of luck) Merci rien (Thanks for nothin') L'etat, c'est Moe (All the world's a stooge) ---------------------------------- Thanks to Peter Rosendorff -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Thu Feb 8 16:38:25 1996 Date: Thu, 8 Feb 96 16:38:25 CST To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: mcafee@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Total Quality Management Schubert's Productivity A company chairman was given a ticket for a performance of Schubert's Unfinished Symphony. Since he was unable to go, he passed the invitation to the company's Quality Assurance Manager. The next morning, the chairman asked him how he enjoyed it, and, instead of a few plausible observations, he was handed a memorandum which read as follows: 1. For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra, thus avoiding peaks of inactivity. 2. All twelve violins were playing identical notes. This seems unnecessary duplication, and the staff of this section should be drastically cut. If a large volume of sound is really required, this could be obtained through the use of an amplifier. 3. Much effort was involved in playing the demi-semiquavers. This seems an excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes should be rounded up to the nearest semiquaver. If this were done, it would be possible to use trainees instead of craftsmen. 4. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated, the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes. In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Schubert given attention to these matters, he probably would have had the time to finish his symphony. ------------------------ Thanks to Doug Rathbun. This reminds me of the German who saw a Wagner opera in New York. When I asked him how he liked the opera, he said "It was Wagner as you feared it could be." -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Sat Mar 2 01:22:40 1996 Date: Sat, 2 Mar 1996 01:22:40 GMT To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Exornery I was told my ex gave up drinking. He must have seen the handwriting on the floor. When my husband and I got divorced, we split the house. He got the outside. I met my husband at a party. I almost shit. I thought he was home with the kids. How is the circus different from a singles' bar? At the circus, the clowns don't talk. "How can you leave me?" he cried. "I'm like putty in your hands." "Exactly", she said. At the marriage counselor's office, the woman complained, "What's-his-name here says I don't give him enough attention". "You're the world's worst lover!" the husband growled. "I couldn't be", his wife shot back, "that would be just too much of a coincidence!" My ex-husband always said that he could be anything he wanted to be. Apparently, he wanted to be an asshole. While in bed with her husband's best friend, a woman got a phone call. "That was Sam. But don't worry: he's playing cards with you so he won't be home for a while." _________ >From "Jokes for Women Only" Vol. 3, Susan Savannah, Shenandoah Press, 1993. _________ Thanks to Chantale LaCasse -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Tue Mar 5 15:38:10 1996 Date: Tue, 5 Mar 1996 15:38:10 GMT To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Major Decisions WHAT YOU LEARN IN COLLEGE AND HOW TO CHOOSE A MAJOR Learning in College: Many of you young persons out there are seriously thinking about going to college. Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college: * Things you will need to know in later life (two hours). * Things you will not need to know in later life (1,998 hours). These are the things you learn in classes whose names end in -ology, -osophy, -istry, -ics, and so on. The idea is, you memorize these things, then write them down in little exam books, then forget them. If you fail to forget them, you become a professor and have to stay in college for the rest of your life. It's very difficult to forget everything. For example, when I was in college, I had to memorize -- don't ask me why -- the names of Three metaphysical poets other than John Donne. I have managed to forget one of them, but I still remember that the other two were named Vaughan and Crashaw. Sometimes, when I'm trying to remember something important like whether my wife told me to get tuna packed in oil or tuna packed in water, Vaughan and Crashaw just pop up in my mind, right there in the supermarket. It's a terrible waste of brain cells. Choosing your Major: After you've been in college for a year or so, you're supposed to choose a major, which is the subject you intend to memorize and forget the most things about. Here is a very important piece of advice: Be sure to choose a major that does not involve Known Facts and Right Answers. This means you must *not* major in mathematics, physics, biology, or chemistry, because these subjects involve actual facts. If, for example, you major in mathematics, you're going to wander into class one day and the professor will say: "Define the cosine integer of the quadrant of a rhomboid binary axis, and extrapolate your result to five significant vertices." If you don't come up with *exactly* the answer the professor has in mind, you fail. The same is true of chemistry: if you write in your exam book that carbon and hydrogen combine to form oak, your professor will flunk you. He wants you to come up with the same answer he and all the other chemists have agreed on. Scientists are extremely snotty about this. So you should major in subjects like English, philosophy, psychology, and sociology -- subjects in which nobody really understands what anybody else is talking about, and which involve virtually no actual facts. I attended classes in all these subjects, so I'll give you a quick overview of each: ENGLISH: This involves writing papers about long books you have read. You must provide enormously creative theories. If you can regularly come up with lunatic interpretations of simple stories, you should major in English. PHILOSOPHY: Basically, this involves sitting in a room and deciding there is no such thing as reality and then going to lunch. You should major in philosophy if you plan to take a lot of drugs. PSYCHOLOGY: This involves talking about rats and dreams. Psychologists are *obsessed* with rats and dreams. I once spent an entire semester training a rat to punch little buttons in a certain sequence, then training my roommate to do the same thing. The rat learned much faster. My roommate is now a doctor. If you like rats or dreams, and above all if you dream about rats, you should major in psychology. SOCIOLOGY: For sheer lack of intelligibility, sociology is far and away the number one subject. I sat through hundreds of hours of sociology courses, and read gobs of sociology writing, and I never once heard or read a coherent statement. This is because sociologists want to be considered scientists, so they spend most of their time translating simple, obvious observations into scientific-sounding code. If you plan to major in sociology, you'll have to learn to do the same thing. For example, suppose you have observed that children cry when they fall down. You should write: "Methodological observation of the sociometrical behavior tendencies of prematurated isolates indicates that a causal relationship exists between groundward tropism and lachrimatory, or 'crying,' behavior forms." If you can keep this up for fifty or sixty pages, you will get a large government grant and possibly tenure to keep up the good work. It beats having to work for a living. -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Tue Mar 5 16:45:25 1996 Date: Tue, 5 Mar 1996 16:45:25 GMT To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: They all deserve Huggies A survey was done of the U.S. Republican candidates for the presidency on what kind of underwear they wear: Pat Buchanan answered: "Briefs." Steve Forbes said: "Boxers." Lamar Alexander replied: "Briefs." Robert Dole, who is 72, answered: "Depends." _____________________________________________ Thanks to Al Slivinski -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Wed Mar 6 12:38:53 1996 Date: Wed, 6 Mar 1996 12:38:53 GMT To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Evidently most of you already know how I ordered a video entitled "How to Irritate People," because it starred John Cleese. The company sent me salt and pepper shakers shaped like jukeboxes. I'm not making this up. I figured it was part of the marketing for the video. The following is somewhat funnier than the video. I found it gets funnier as it goes on. HOW TO BE ANNOYING Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way." Drum on every available surface. Remove every line of someone's .newsrc file except the entry for alt.sex.fetish.hamster.duct_tape. Sing the Batman theme incessantly. Staple papers in the middle of the page. Ask 800 operators for dates. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go." Set alarms for random times. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip." Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving. Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the volume properly adjusted. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise. Honk and wave to strangers. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies. Wear your pants backwards. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!" Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's "Metal Machine Music." Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape mode. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE. only type in lowercase. dont use any punctuation either Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets. Pay for your dinner with pennies. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes. Repeat everything someone says, as a question. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/OJ Simpson conspiracy theories. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now." Light road flares on a birthday cake. Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley. Leave tips in Bolivian currency. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador." Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks. When Christmas carolling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One." As much as possible, skip rather than walk. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read. Finish the 99 bottles of beer song. Sing the "This is the song that never ends..." song. (Ya know, Lamb Chops?) Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles. Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up", and repeat. Drive half a block. Name your dog "Dog." Inform others that they exist only in your imagination. Ask people what gender they are. Reply to everything someone says with "That's what YOU think." Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot." Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes." Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September. Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. Chew on pens that you've borrowed. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance. Wear a LOT of cologne. Ask to "interface" with someone. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing." Sing along at the opera. Mow your lawn with scissors. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!" Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy." Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend." Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles." Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket." Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture." Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times. Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more. _____________________________________ Thanks to Mike Williams. -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Wed Mar 6 15:24:05 1996 Date: Wed, 6 Mar 1996 15:24:05 GMT To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Thumb's Down "The Washington Republican caucuses will be won by whoever gets the lion's share of the Christian conservatives." From Oregon Public Broadcasting, March 4; provided by Lynn Hunnicutt. This reminds me of the statement, quoted by Molly Ivins, that there is nothing wrong with Texas Baptists that couldn't be solved by holding them underwater longer. -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Fri Mar 8 03:06:35 1996 Date: Fri, 8 Mar 1996 03:06:35 GMT To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Magic Act From the 1/26/96 editorial page of the Manchester Union Leader, with credits to the Western Journalism Center: In the New Mexico Legislature's 1995 session, Sen. Duncan Scott, a Republican from Albuquerque, proposed an amendment to a psychologist regulatory bill offered by another senator. The Scott amendment would have dramatically changed the face of New Mexico's legal system: The amendment said: "When a psychologist or psychiatrist testifies during a defendant's competency hearing, the psychologist or psychiatrist shall wear a cone-shaped hat that is not less than two feet tall. The surface of the hat shall be imprinted with stars and lightning bolts. "Additionally, a psychologist or psychiatrist shall be required to don a white beard that is not less than 18 inches in length, and shall punctuate crucial elements of his testimony by stabbing the air with a wand. Whenever a psychologist or psychiatrist provides expert testimony regarding a defendant's competency, the baliff shall contemporaneously dim the courtroom lights and administer two strikes to a Chinese gong." The bill, with the wizard amendment, passed the Senate by voice vote and cleared the House 46-14. Unfortunately, Gov. Gary Johnson vetoed the legislation. ________________ Thanks to Caryn Carlson for providing this news item. New Mexico, by the way, is the state that passed a law in the 1970s against using state funds to send professors to the Western Economic Association meetings. This always struck me as remarkably sensible. -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From mcafee Thu Mar 21 14:24:39 1996 Date: Thu, 21 Mar 1996 08:24:38 -0600 (CST) From: R Preston McAfee To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu We've seen some of these before, but this is certainly a more complete list. YOU KNOW YOU'RE A REDNECK IF.... ------------------------------------ (compiled from Jeff Foxworthy shows) Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off. You've ever used lard in bed. You think potted meat on a saltine is a hors d'oeuvre. There is a stuffed possum mounted any where in your home. You consider a six pack of beer and a bug zapper quality entertainment. Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State trooper to "kiss my ass". The primary color of your car is "Bondo". Directions to your house include: "turn off the paved road". You honestly believe women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures. Your family tree does not fork. Your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan. You've ever hollered: "Rock the house Bubba" during a piano recital. Your mother has ever been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event. You've ever barbecued SPAM on the grill. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights. Your brother-in-law is also your uncle. You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since Smokey and the Bandit was snubbed for best motion picture. The rear tires on your car are twice as wide as the front ones. You prominently display a gift in your house that you bought at Graceland. You consider Outdoor Life deep reading. Your mother keeps a spit-cup on the ironing board. You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding. The most common phrase you hear at a family reunion is: "What are you looking at, shithead?" You think beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups. You think Campho-phenique is a miracle drug. You have more than two brothers named Bubba and Junior. You father encourages you to quit school when Larry announces an opening on the lube rack. You think Volvo is a part of the female anatomy. You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time. You have a rag for a gas cap. You had a toothpick in your mouth when you had your wedding picture taken. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. You have a "Hefty bag" for a passenger side window on your car. Your house doesn't have any curtains- but your truck does. Your front porch collapses and kills more than two hounds You consider your license plate "personalized" because your father made it. After making love, you have to ask your date to roll down the window. You have a picture of Willie Nelson or Johnnie Cash over your fireplace. You still have an 8-track tape player in your car or house. Your idea of safe sex doesn't include anyone else. You have ever bar-be-qued hamburgers at the driver-in theater. You liked the velvet picture of Elvis that someone in a van sold you beside the highway better than anything you saw at an art show or museum. You have ever driven down the road with your seat belt hanging out of the door making sparks. You have ever spray-painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass. Someone asks to see your ID, and you show them your belt buckle. Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income. You have ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle. Jack Daniels is on your list of most admired people. You see no need to stop at a rest stop because you have an empty milk jug in the car. Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging. You have ever had to scratch your sister or girlfriend's name out of the message "For a good time, call _______." Red Man chewing tobacco sends you a Christmas card. You bought a VCR because wrestling comes on while you're at work. Your dad walks to school with you because you're both in the same grade. You view the next family reunion as a great chance to meet a woman. Your wife has a beer gut, and you think it's attractive. You have ever signed a petition to have the national anthem changed to "Free Bird." You call your boss "Dude." You have ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. You need one more hole punched in your card before you get a freebie at the "House of Tattoos." You get an estimate from the barber before he cuts your hair. You look like Willie Nelson after you get your hair cut. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers. You've ever worn a cowboy hat to church. You have sunglasses that are mirrored on the inside. You think BMW are the call letters for a radio station. You wear a belt buckle that weighs more than three pounds. You've ever been to a funeral or wedding where there were more pickup trucks than cars. Your all-time favorite movie is "Cannonball Run." You have any relatives named "Elmer" or "Jed." Your girlfriend thinks the way you pick your nose is cute. You wish your house looked like the one on the beginning of "Beverly Hillbillies" or "Green Acres." Your favorite actors are Gomer Pile, Goober, and Barney Fife. Your pet parrot knows how to whistle the song to "the Andy Griffith Show." From mcafee Fri Mar 22 09:05:10 1996 Date: Fri, 22 Mar 1996 09:05:09 -0600 (CST) From: R Preston McAfee To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: 80 Proof This is a somewhat improved version of an old list. HOW TO PROVE IT proof by example: The author gives only the case n = 2 and suggests that it contains most of the ideas of the general proof. proof by intimidation: "Trivial." proof by vigorous handwaving: Works well in a classroom or seminar setting. proof by cumbersome notation: Best done with access to at least four alphabets and special symbols. proof by exhaustion: An issue or two of a journal devoted to your proof is useful. proof by omission: 'The reader may easily supply the details' "The other 253 cases are analogous..." proof by obfuscation: A long plotless sequence of true and/or meaningless syntactically related statements. proof by wishful citation: The author cites the negation, converse, or generalization of a theorem from the literature to support his claims. proof by funding: How could three different government agencies be wrong? proof by eminent authority: "I saw Karp in the elevator and he said it was probably NP- complete." proof by personal communication: "Eight-dimensional colored cycle stripping is NP-complete [Karp, personal communication]." proof by reduction to the wrong problem: "To see that infinite-dimensional colored cycle stripping is decidable, we reduce it to the halting problem." proof by reference to inaccessible literature: The author cites a simple corollary of a theorem to be found in a privately circulated memoir of the Slovenian Philological Society, 1883. proof by importance: A large body of useful consequences all follow from the proposition in question. proof by accumulated evidence: Long and diligent search has not revealed a counterexample. proof by cosmology: The negation of the proposition is unimaginable or meaningless. Popular for proofs of the existence of God. proof by [cyclic] mutual reference: In reference A, Theorem 5 is said to follow from Theorem 3 in reference B, which is shown to follow from Corollary 6.2 in reference C, which is an easy consequence of Theorem 5 in reference A. proof by metaproof: A method is given to construct the desired proof. The correctness of the method is proved by any of these techniques. proof by picture: A more convincing form of proof by example. Combines well with proof by omission. proof by vehement assertion: It is useful to have some kind of authority relation to the audience. proof by ghost reference: Nothing even remotely resembling the cited theorem appears in the reference given. proof by forward reference: Reference is usually to a forthcoming paper of the author, which is often not as forthcoming as at first. proof by semantic shift: Some of the standard but inconvenient definitions are changed for the statement of the result. proof by appeal to intuition: Cloud-shaped drawings frequently help here. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Tue Mar 26 19:45:48 1996 Date: Tue, 26 Mar 1996 19:45:48 -0600 (CST) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Good Question Some of these we've seen before. This, apparently urgent, arrived by fax on Friday from Valley Bank: The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide: 1. Was that the same nose you broke as a child? 2. Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning? 3. Q: What happened then? A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me." Q: Did he kill you? 4. Was it you or your younger brother that was killed in the war? 5. The youngest son, the 20-year old, how old is he? 6. Were you alone or by yourself? 7. How long have you been a French Canadian? 8. Do you have any children or anything of that kind? 9. Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture. A: That's me. Q: Were you present when that picture was taken? 10. Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in? 11. Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? 12. Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now? A: I'll be three months on November 8. Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8? A: Yes. Q: What were you doing at that time? 13. Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable? A: I used to be. Q: How many times have you committed suicide? A: Four times. 14. So you were gone until you returned? 15. Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls? 16. You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it? 17. Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also? 18. Q: Have you lived in this town all your life? A: Not yet. 19. A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question." 20. Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edinton at the Rose Chapel? A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct? A: No, you stupid ****, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. _________________________ Forwarded to me by Jim McAfee -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From mcafee Sat Mar 30 00:05:07 1996 Date: Sat, 30 Mar 1996 00:05:06 -0600 (CST) From: R Preston McAfee To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Duct taped eyeglasses YOU MAY BE AN ENGINEER If you introduce your wife as -mylady@home.wife- If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie If you want an 8X CDROM for Christmas If Dilbert is your hero If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50 If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys If you use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts If, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string If you window shop at Radio Shack If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies If you have -Dilbert- comics displayed anywhere in your work area If you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run If you are convinced you can build a phazer out of your garage door opener and your camera's flash attachment If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush If you own -Official Star Trek- anything If you have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside If a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception If you thought the concoction ET used to phone home was stupid If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project If you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts If you have never backed-up your hard drive If you are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but are afraid to say it out loud If you truly believe aliens are living among us If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance If you have ever purchased an electronic appliance -as-is- If you see a good design and still have to change it If the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it If the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind If you own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers, but you don't remember where they are If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal If you have more toys than your kids If you need a checklist to turn on the TV If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name If your wife thinks your taste in ties is bizarre If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already If you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for If your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was normal If you know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size screw driver to use If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting If people groan at the party when you pick out the music If you can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week If people hound you for pocket protectors at Halloween time If you did the sound system for your senior prom If your checkbook always balances If your girlfriend says the way you dress is no reflection on her If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life If you thought the real heroes of -Apollo 13- were the mission controllers If you think your computer looks better without the cover If you think that when people around you yawn, its because they didn't get enough sleep If your wife hasn't the foggiest idea what you do at work If you spend more on your home computer than your car If you know what http:/ stands for If you've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage If your favorite part of the 6 o clock news is comparing their latest satellite weather picture with yours If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory If your lap-top computer costs more than your car If your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine, 2. Fat, 3. Sugar, 4. Chocolate __________________________________ Thanks to Dale Stahl, who was an engineer in a former life From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Sat Mar 30 09:29:13 1996 Date: Sat, 30 Mar 1996 09:29:13 -0600 (CST) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Just say no Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually mean....) 10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo- playing geek in "Deliverance.") 9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You are one Jurassic geezer.) 8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.) 7. My life is too complicated right now. (I'm waiting for a rich Sugardaddy.) 6. I've got a boyfriend. (I've got a vibrator.) 5. I don't date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were the only man in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.) 4. It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you.) 3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.) 2. I'm celibate. (One look at you and I'm ready to swear off men altogether.) ..and the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it actually means) 1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with.) ____________________________________________________________________ Thanks to modal contributor Al Slivinski. -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Sun Mar 31 18:06:14 1996 Date: Sun, 31 Mar 1996 18:06:14 -0600 (CST) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Deep Doo-doo From today's Austin American Statesman: Plainfield Wis. - Police used a marked roll of toilet paper to put the squeeze on a principal suspected of stealing bathroom tissue from his high school. Dennis Ferriter, 57, was suspended from Tri-County High after a search of his car and office turned up the marked toilet paper and two marked $1 bills that had been placed in a vending machine, Superintendent James Erdman said. The markings could only be seen under ultraviolet light. No charges have been filed. Authorities suggested Ferriter may have taken the toilet paper for a bed and breakfast he owns. The principal refused to comment. A janitor raised suspicions about Ferriter in February after noting that a roll of toilet paper was routinely missing from a supply room after Ferriter ate lunch there. On Feb. 26, school officials and police began daily counts of the toilet paper. None was missing on days Ferriter was absent. Investigators also reported discrepancies between nightly audits of cash in the school vending machines and Ferriter's deposits from them. -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From mcafee Sun Mar 31 18:42:50 1996 Date: Sun, 31 Mar 1996 18:42:50 -0600 (CST) From: R Preston McAfee To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: How to Annoy your Students Wear a hood with one eyehole. After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream "MY PACEMAKER!" Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop. Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?" Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor can't hear you, you'll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy". If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr. Smartypants?" Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book while muttering "tsk, tsk". Ask students to call you "Tinkerbell" or "Surfin' Bird". Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether your butt looks fat. Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo. Or the guitar. Or just hum it. Ask the students to sing along. Show a video on medieval torture implements. Giggle throughout it. Announce "you'll need this", and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board. Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Start the lecture by dancing and lip-syncing to James Brown's "Sex Machine." Ask occasional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering simps would know" and move on. Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as you pace back and forth. Address students as "worm". Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a single-question oral final exam. Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin singing spirituals. Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch. Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student's name, rank, and serial number. Have a drummer waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a question, have a drum roll played before your answer. Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally. Wear a "virtual reality" helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your hands. Mention in passing that you're wearing rubber underwear. Growl constantly and address students as "matey". Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite numbers and ask students to "sit back and groove". Announce that last year's students have almost finished their class projects. Inform your English class that they need to know Fortran and code all their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements. Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he's named "Boogers McGee" and is your "mascot". Whenever someone asks a question, walk over to the dog and ask it, "What'll it be, McGee?" Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you "Snuggles". Do calculations in base 11. Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours. Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while you lecture. Take two minute "commercial breaks" every ten minutes. Ask students to list their favorite showtunes on a signup sheet. Criticize their choices and make notes in your grade book. Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep their distance for their own safety and mutter something about "that bug I picked up in the field". Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, "Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN'T HEEEEEEAR YOU!" ______________________ Thanks to Moin Yahya From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Sun Mar 31 20:34:16 1996 Date: Sun, 31 Mar 1996 20:34:16 -0600 (CST) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Observations A day without sunshine is like night. "Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk." -- Stephen King The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. -Anonymous editor Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools. This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force. -- Dorothy Parker To err is human, to moo bovine. There are two major products to come out of Berekley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence. _______________________________________ Thanks to Chantale LaCasse Actually, LSD came out of Sandoz, in Switzerland. Explain that! -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Thu Apr 11 14:34:35 1996 Date: Thu, 11 Apr 1996 14:34:35 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Frequent Bouts of Indigestion The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and International Studies report on GLOBAL ORGANIZED CRIME; the author who introduces the story swears it's true. FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital. Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda. Pizza Guy: And where would you like them delivered? Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital. PM: The psychiatric hospital? Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent. PM: You're an FBI agent? Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is. PM: And you're at the psychiatric hospital? Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas. PM: And you say you're all FBI agents? Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here? PM: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent? Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving. PM: How are you going to pay for all of this? Agent: I have my checkbook right here. PM: And you're *all* FBI agents? Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked. Pizza Guy: I don't *think* so... >click< _________________________________ Thanks to Francesca Talenti -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Thu Apr 11 22:00:02 1996 Date: Thu, 11 Apr 1996 22:00:02 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Eat and Get Gas Every so often, one sees a trash can that says "Museum of Modern Art" or "Princeton University" on it. One often sees "Parking with Invalid Permit Only" and doesn't think twice. Practically every construction project in Austin features a dumpster that says "Longhorn Disposal." Perhaps we should be shipping these dumpsters to England. One is often asked to give money "for cancer" or for other nasty diseases to which I am opposed. I don't understand who the supporters are. As one drives over the Longfellow bridge to MIT, an overhead sign dictates that one lane is for "Busses." What follows are other silly signs. At a Santa Fe gas station: "We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container." In a New York restaurant: "Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager." On the wall of a Baltimore estate: "Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy" On a movie theater: "Children's matinee today. Adults not admitted unless with child." In a Florida maternity ward: "No children allowed." In a New York medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center" In a toy department: "Five Santa Clauses -- No waiting!" At a number of military bases: "Restricted to unauthorized personnel." On a display of "I love you only" valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs." In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan." On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced" In downtown Boston: "Calahan Tunnel -- No end" In the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?" In a Maine restaurant: "Open 7 days a week and weekends." In a New Jersey restaurant: "Open 11 AM to 11 PM midnight." On a radiator repair garage: "Best place to take a leak." In the vestry of a New England church: "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished." On the grounds of a public school: "No tresspassing without permission." On a Tennessee highway: "When this sign is under water, this road is impassable." ------- Thanks to Mike Williams -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Tue Apr 16 18:47:47 1996 Date: Tue, 16 Apr 1996 18:47:47 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Air Head Fired My local convenience store in London Ontario was named Les' Variety. These are allegedly actual headlines. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted Farmer Bill Dies in House Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? Stud Tires Out British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands Eye Drops off Shelf Teacher Strikes Idle Kids Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66 Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told Miners Refuse to Work after Death Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant Stolen Painting Found by Tree Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge Deer Kill 17,000 Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half New Vaccine May Contain Rabies Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing Air Head Fired Steals Clock, Faces Time Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training ----------------------------------------- Thanks to Moin Yahya -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Wed Apr 17 10:12:34 1996 Date: Wed, 17 Apr 1996 10:12:34 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Hal Varian, Stranded There was this male engineer, on a cruise ship in the Caribbean for the first time. It was wonderful, the experience of his life. He was being waited on hand an foot. But, it did not last. A Hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went down almost instantly. The man found himself, he knew not how, swept up on the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea mightily for a ship to come to his rescue. One day, as he was lying on the beech stroking his beard and looking for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. Could it be true, was it a ship? No, from around the corner of the island came this rowboat. In it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, or at least seen in 4 months. She was tall, tanned, and her blond hair flowing in the sea breeze gave her an almost ethereal quality. She spotted him also as he was waving and yelling and screaming to get her attention. She rowed her boat towards him. In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from? How did you get here"? She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank" "Amazing", he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? Where, did you get the rowboat? You must have been really lucky to have a rowboat wash-up with you?" "It is only me", she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing else did." "Well then", said the man, "how did you get the rowboat?" I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island, replied the woman. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree". "But, but, asked the man, what about tools and hardware, how did you do that?" "Oh, no problem, replied the woman, on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that If I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that, she said. Where do you live?" At last the man was forced to confess that he had been sleeping on the beach. "Well, let's row over to my place, she said." So they both got into the rowboat and left for her side of island. The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemprope. They walked up a stone walk and around a Palm tree, there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. "It's not much, she said, but I call it home. Sit down please, would you like to have a drink?" "No, said the man, one more @nn coconut juice and I will puke." "It won't be coconut juice, the woman replied, I have a still, how about a Pina Colada? Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After a while, and they had exchanged their stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?" "No", the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life, and even on the cruise ship". "Well if you would like to shave, there is a man's razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." So, the man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bath room. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back down stairs.. "You look great, said the woman, I think I will go up and slip into something more comfortable." So she did. And, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman returned wearing fig leafs strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenia. "Tell me, she asked, we have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely, is there anything that you really miss? Something that all men and woman need. Something that it would be really nice to have right now." "Yes there is, the man replied, as he moved closer to the woman while fixing a winsome gaze upon her, "Tell me ... Do you happen to have an Internet connection?" ---------------------- Thanks to Al Slivinski -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From mcafee Wed Apr 24 09:26:49 1996 Date: Wed, 24 Apr 1996 09:26:48 -0500 (CDT) From: R Preston McAfee To: Charles River -- Bridger Mitchell , Subject: No Dialtone >From USA TODAY, DATE: 04/19/96 By Kevin Maney Sometime in 1999: ``Hello. This is Bell Atlantic-Nynex-MCI-TCI-America Online customer service. May I help you?'' ``Yes, I'd like to report a problem with my telephone.'' ``Our records show you don't have local phone service through us.'' ``How'd you know who I am? I didn't give you my name.'' ``We have ways.'' ``Well, I'm pretty sure you have my phone service.'' ``Our records show you have long-distance, cellular, satellite TV, Internet access and your MasterCard through us. Your phone service must be through one of the other three big communications companies. Have you looked at your bill?'' ``My bill is 134 pages long.'' ``Oh, you're one of our light users. But we'd be happy to become your local phone provider. If you sign up, you get one-third off long-distance calls made on your cellular phone to friends and family members who have an Internet home page.'' ``It's tempting, but I just want my phone fixed.'' ``Fine, sir. Just a reminder: Next time you need to contact us, try our Internet site. And when you get there, you can sign up for a free showing, through your satellite TV system, of Hamlet starring Bell Atlantic-Nynex-MCI-TCI-America Online CEO Ray Smith.'' ``Thanks. Goodbye.'' Click. Dial. Ring. ``Good morning! This is SBC-Pacific Telesis-Sprint-GTE-Little Caesars.'' ``Little Caesars? You do pizza?'' ``You buy it over phone lines. It's content. Would you like one? You get a medium with two toppings when you order HBO on cable.'' ``Uh, no. I called because my phone line isn't working right.'' ``I see. Do you have your phone over your cable line or do you have your phone over a phone line.'' ``A phone line, I think.'' ``OK, then that's not SBC-Pacific Telesis-Sprint-GTE-Little Caesars. My file shows that you get cable TV and video games on demand from us, but in your area, we only offer phone service over cable lines. If you use a phone line, it must be one of the other companies.'' ``Thanks. I'll call them.'' ``And sir? We're testing some new products in your area. We're offering electric service and natural gas service for 10% less than the public utilities. One-stop shopping. We want to provide you with everything that comes into your house and connects to a device or appliance.'' ``No, thanks. Bye.'' Click. Dial. Ring. ``Hello. Endorphin Enterprises.'' ``I'm sorry. I must have dialed the wrong number.'' ``You're probably in the right place. We just changed our name. We used to be US West-UUNet-Universal Pictures-Ameritech, but that got pretty cumbersome. I guess they wanted to call it UUUUSA, but then decided to start fresh. So we're Endorphin Enterprises.'' ``Clever.'' ``Personally, I thought we should call ourselves Youse Guys. Get it?'' ``Yeah, that's good. Um, I was calling because my phone line doesn't seem to work right.'' ``Ohhhhh. What services do you have with us?'' ``I'm not sure.'' ``We offer everything: local, long-distance, cellular, cable TV, satellite TV, Internet access, music on demand and so on. But so does everybody else these days.'' ``Yes, well, it's gotten a little confusing. I've already called those two other companies with long names.'' ``Oh, right. OK, see, it looks like you don't have anything at all with us. Now, we could make your life easier by giving you all the services so you'd know who to call. Except in your area, we only offer movies on demand over the Internet, so that could be a problem.'' ``No, really, I just want to get my phone fixed.'' ``My guess is you must have your local phone service through AT&T. That's the only other company left in the business.'' ``OK, I'll try AT&T.'' Click. Dial. Ring. ``Hello. AT&T. Bob Allen speaking.'' ``Bob Allen? The chairman? I'm sorry. I wanted customer service.'' ``No problem. Hold on a moment.'' Pause. Rustling sounds.``Hello. Customer service. Bob Allen speaking.'' ``Mr. Allen, I really just wanted customer service.'' ``This is it. We spun off everything but my office. It goes totally against the megamerger trend. Our shareholders love it. I'm getting paid $55 billion this year.'' ``Well, sir, my phone line doesn't work right, and I think I need someone to come fix it.'' ``Be right there, as soon as I can find my tool belt.'' GNviaNewsEDGE Copyright (c) 1996 Gannett/USA TODAY Electronic News From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Mon Apr 29 10:25:38 1996 Date: Mon, 29 Apr 1996 10:25:38 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Mindless Entertainment Subject: Brain drain. (fwd) Tokyo, Japan: Kashima University has expelled four medical students for pelting other students with human brains. School officials say the three men and one woman were dissecting cadavers in the science laboratory when one of the males removed part of a cerebral cortex from a corpse's skull and threw it at one of the other medical students. Within minutes a "brain fight" had broken out. The students then reportedly opened the windows of the second-floor lab and began throwing the brains down on unwitting passersby on the street below. One girl was hit in the face and required treatment at the university's emergency room. School security officers say they're fairly certain that more people were involved in the brain-throwing but only four were witnessed. The expelled students said they didn't plan the brain fight. One of them said, "It just sort of happened." He blamed the odd behavior on the pressure of constant study and lack of sleep. "We just had to let off some steam," admitted Ayako Hanyu, 19. "I guess things got a little out of hand." But Dean Shiuro Tatsuno refuses to budge on his decision to expel the students. "We realize that our medical students are under pressure," said Dean Tatsuno. "But we expect our future doctors and nurses to conduct themselves like ladies and gentlemen at all times." ----------------------------------- Thanks to Dan Slesnick -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Mon Apr 29 14:55:26 1996 Date: Mon, 29 Apr 1996 14:55:26 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Pissed Off The response of Glenn MacDonald to the Mindless Entertainment story: Do you remember the related story about the U of Toronto med student who removed a cadaver's penis? He took the penis with him to a Toronto Maple Leaf hockey game at Maple Leaf Gardens. The Gardens, built around the turn of the century, does not have urinals. Instead it has a long "trough." The student approaches the trough, dangles the penis from his fly and loudly pretends to be having difficulty urinating. Once he has everyone's attention, he shouts "This damn thing's useless", tears it out of his pants, tosses it in the trough, and leaves. -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Thu May 2 08:46:29 1996 Date: Thu, 2 May 1996 08:46:29 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Visualize Whirled Peas Bumper Stickers Auntie Em. Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy. We're staying together for the sake of the cats. It's been lovely, but I have to scream now. Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. This is not an abandoned vehicle. I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily. Beautify Texas. Put a Yankee on a bus. Welcome to Texas, now go home. It's as bad as you think and they are out to get you. If you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own. Life's too short to dance with ugly men. My wife says if I go fishing one more time, she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her. When you do a good deed get a receipt (in case heaven is like the IRS). I is a college student. Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off. Beer isn't just for breakfast any more. Sorry, I don't date outside my species. Eschew obfuscation. Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of a milk carton. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. Is there life before coffee? Never play leap frog with a unicorn. Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m. Cover me. I'm changing lanes. The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful. I Cayman went. My other wife is beautiful. I need someone really bad. Are you really bad? Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips. Don't laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle. Nuke the unborn baby whales. Geez if you belive in honkus. Friends don't let friends drive naked. Save California; when you leave take someone with you. There's one in every crowd and they always find me. If money could talk, it would say goodbye. When you're in love, you're at the mercy of a stranger. Just when you think you've won the rat race along come faster rats. Wink. I'll do the rest. An Irishman is not drunk so long as he can hold on to one blade of grass and not fall off the earth. Cynics are people who know the price of everything and the value of nothing. I may be fat but you're ugly, and I can lose weight. Who cares who's on board? Die Yuppie Scum. No radio. Already stolen. Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister. Carlsbad Caverns: 22% more cavities. Exxon Suxx. Flying saucers are real, the Air Force doesn't exist. I don't care who you are, what you are driving, or where you would rather be. So many pedestrians, so little time. ------------------------------------ Thanks to Al Slivinski. -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Thu May 2 09:58:41 1996 Date: Thu, 2 May 1996 09:58:41 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: A Dirty Iguana? Texas bumper sticker observed by Daniel Quan: KEEP HONKING. I'M RELOADING. In other Texas news: Lubbock - Not only is one Lubbock duplex a home-improvement nightmare - leaky plumbing included - it also comes with a subfloor resident who doesn't mind the water. Jarrell Rowell waded into the mess beneath the duplex to do some of the dirty repair work and found a scaly reptile - either an alligator or a caiman. "I find all kinds of things working under houses, but never an alligator," Rowell said. "Snakes, spiders, mice - you know, the usual - but never an alligator." Rowell said he pulled the large, tropical reptile from underneath the floor of a unit in which he had just repaired the plumbing. "It freaked me out. At first I thought it was a dirty iguana," he said. Texas Game Warden Audie Hamm said the reptile is either a baby alligator or a caiman, a South American tropical cousin to the alligator. "I'd have to have a wildlife biologist look at it to tell," he said. But either way, he said, "They'll bite the dog out of you. They're pretty tough." Rowell found the reptile during remodelling Thursday. He put on his leather work gloves, reached in and held the 26 inch long creature's mouth closed as he placed it in a plastic tub. After calling his wife, who called the local office of the Texas Parks and Wildlife Department, Rowell took the reptile home and placed it in his bathtub before its transfer to the city animal shelter. ----------------- From the Austin American Statesman, Sunday, April 28, 1996, p. B4. -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Thu May 2 20:00:57 1996 Date: Thu, 2 May 1996 20:00:57 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Public Service Announcement I think all of my public service announcements have turned out to be hoaxes. This one sounds plausible, and in any case offers good advice. The busy conference and vacation season will soon be upon us, so I thought you might be interested in the following alert from the FAA, forwarded to the Lexington office today: The FAA recently learned of a hustle that's being employed at airports all across the country to steal laptop computers. It involves two persons who look for a victim carrying a laptop and approaching a metal detector. They position themselves in front of the unsuspecting passenger. They stall until the mark puts the laptop computer on the conveyor belt. Then the first subject moves through the metal detector easily. The second subject sets off the detector and begins a slow process of emptying pockets, removing jewelry, etc. While this is happening, the first subject takes the laptop as soon as it appears on the conveyor belt and moves away quickly. When the passenger finally gets through the metal detector, the laptop is gone. The subject that picks it up heads into the gate area and disappears among the crowd. Sometimes a third subject will take a hand-off from the first subject and the computer is out of the restricted area before the mark even knows that it is gone. This is becoming a widely practiced problem and is happening at airports everywhere. When traveling with a laptop computer, try to avoid lines to enter a metal detector when possible. When you can't do that, delay putting your luggage and laptop on the conveyor belt until you are sure that you will be the next person through the metal detector. As you move through the metal detector, keep your eyes on the conveyor belt and watch for your luggage and laptop to come through as well as watching for what those in front of you are picking up. SOURCE: U.S. Federal Aviation Administration Captain Terry Bowman, Chief, Technology Integration Secretary of the Air Force, Office of Public Affairs (703) 695-8561 -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Fri May 3 13:58:24 1996 Date: Fri, 3 May 1996 13:58:24 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Damn Yankees Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there. "Names Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... thought you'd like to come." "Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem... after 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em." Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." Damn, Sam thinks... tough crowd. "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again." Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too." "Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there ... by the way, what should I wear? Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us." ______________________________________ Two Texas were bragging. The first said "My ranch is so big I can get in my car at dawn, drive all day, and still not be at the other end of my ranch when night falls." The second responded "I had a car like that once." ______________________________________ Thanks to Al Slivinski -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Tue May 7 10:24:47 1996 Date: Tue, 7 May 1996 10:24:47 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Derailed The Difference Between MDs and PhDs: 10 MDs and 10 PhDs are going to a meeting by train. The 10 MDs each have their own ticket, but the 10 PhDs have 1 ticket between them. The MDs ask the PhDs (in a caring manner), "How are you going to manage with only one ticket?" "Just watch." reply the PhDs. They all get on the train and the 10 MDs take their seats and hand their tickets to the conductor. But the PhDs all pile into a bathroom, and when the conductor comes by, a single arm reaches out and gives him the ticket. The MDs, feeling enlightened, decide to try the same thing on the way home, so they purchase just one ticket between the ten of them. Now the PhDs buy no ticket at all. "How are you going to get home?" ask the MDs. "Just watch." the PhDs reply. When they get on the train, all the MDs pile into a bathroom. 9 of the PhDs get into another bathroom. The tenth PhD then knocks on the MDs' bathroom door and says "Ticket please." -------------------------------------------- From Itzhak Gilboa by way of Bart Lipman -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Wed May 8 09:52:49 1996 Date: Wed, 8 May 1996 09:52:49 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: The Next Episode of Columbo I think this is an urban myth (although there is nothing urban about the story) since the first time I heard it, it transpired in Ontario and the diver was in a lake. It has the classic signs of urban legend: spurious detail (the height of the diver, the height of the bucket) combined with inadequate detail to check the story. Why is his face mask still on? -------------------- Fire Authorities in California found a corpse in a burnt out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The 5'10" deceased male was dressed in a full wetsuit, complete with a dive tank, flippers and face mask. A post-mortem examination revealed that the person died not from burns but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about determining how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that, on the day of the fire, the person went for a diving trip off the coast--some 20 MILES away from the forest. The firefighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, called in a fleet of helicopters with very large buckets. The buckets were dropped into the ocean for rapid filling, then flown to the forest fire and emptied. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next he was doing a breaststroke in a fire bucket 300m in the air. ---------------------------------------- Thanks to Glenn MacDonald -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Sat May 11 19:50:59 1996 Date: Sat, 11 May 1996 19:50:59 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Those who can't do, promote Vegetarian Heads Texas Beef Program AUSTIN, Texas (Reuter) - The Texas official in charge of promoting Texan cattle can preach the benefits of beef -- but don't invite her to a cook out. Diane Smith, who oversees livestock programs as assistant commissioner of the state agriculture department, admitted this week she has been a vegetarian for the past 14 years. ``It has nothing to do with my work,'' Smith told reporters. ``It's a personal preference.'' Texas agriculture officials quickly came to her defense. ``What's the beef?'' asked Rick Perry, Texas Agriculture Commissioner, who Friday said Smith has done an oustanding job promoting the $8 billion Texas beef industry. Texas ranchers also publicly support the job Smith has done, citing her efforts to export beef embryos to China and arrange a shipment of cattle to Israel, among other things. ``I guess our thought is that we'd prefer that nobody be a vegetarian, but that's a personal choice and we have absolutely no complaint about how she's handled herself professionally,'' said Burt Rutherford, spokesman with the Texas Cattle Feeders Association in Amarillo, Texas. But some cattlemen, reeling from high feed costs and low beef prices -- to say nothing of lingering mad cow concerns -- were not thrilled to learn a vegetarian has been in charge of state efforts to promote beef for the past five years. ``To be honest, we weren't real crazy about it at first,'' said one industry official, who asked not to be named. ``It's a little like asking an atheist to sell Bibles.'' ---------------------------- Thanks to Lones Smith. -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Thu May 16 14:24:05 1996 Date: Thu, 16 May 1996 14:24:05 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee For a joke network, not that many jokes actually get sent out. This one is from Curt Taylor: Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions." Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this." With that she sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light." "Correct," said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a very dreadful disappointment." -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Tue May 21 10:45:26 1996 Date: Tue, 21 May 1996 10:45:26 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Summers' Fetid Prophecy Beijing - The United States has dumped a shipment of fetid trash on China's shores, palming it off as recyclable paper, Chinese news media reported Monday. Five hundred and forty tons of bathroom waste, plastic bags, empty medicine bottles and other refuse were found in the eastern port of Qingdao on Saturday, the media reported. China has been importing large amounts of waste paper, mostly from the United States, for its growing paper industry. (Austin American Statesman, 5/21/96) and in other news, MAN BITES SNAKE Edinburg, Texas - A man bitten by a poisonous coral snake Friday killed the reptile by biting off its head, then used its skin as a tourniquet - a move that probably saved his life. Valentin Grimaldo of Rio Bravo should make a full recovery, said Lisa Killion, a spokeswoman for the Edinburg Hospital. (AP) (Boston Globe, 5/12/96, provided by Madeline Zavodny) -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Sat May 25 18:41:34 1996 Date: Sat, 25 May 1996 18:41:34 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: By the way, do you have any Grey Poupon? Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral. "Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce", the man said. The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest", the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away. "Wait sir", the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?" The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?" ------------------------------- Thanks to El Deano. -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Tue Jun 4 03:15:53 1996 Date: Tue, 4 Jun 1996 03:15:53 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Population Explosion From the Saturday/Sunday Herald Tribune, the second lead story, "Asian Rivals to Co-Host 2002 Soccer World Cup," the third paragraph reads: The tournament, which is expected to draw four million spectators and 40 billion television viewers worldwide, has been a prize coveted by each country for years. Thanks to Larry Ausubel. -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Tue Jun 4 03:25:26 1996 Date: Tue, 4 Jun 1996 03:25:26 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Olympians Let the Games begin -- after a word from our $40 million sponsor. by Dave Barry Recently I went to Atlanta to check up on preparations for the 1996 Olympic Games (official motto: "Put your Corporate Motto Here for $40 Million"). As the organizers modestly point out at every opportunity, these will be the biggest games in the history of the universe. They're going to be HUGE. Take a look at some of these numbers: Total budget: $1.6 Billion Number of athletes competing: Over 10,000 Number of events: 271 Number of events left once you eliminate all the mutant sports like synchronized kayaking: Maybe 6 TV audience: (counting everybody on earth 7 times) 35 billion Number of molecules in a single grain of salt: 470 trillion Number of times the average American will see an Olympic-related TV commercial that will attempt to equate an activity such as pole vault with an activity such as shrinking swollen hemorrhoidal tissue: 2,537 Estimated number of times some American, somewhere, sitting on a Barcalounger and watching the Games, will look at "Izzy", the official cute cartoon mascot of the Olympics, and say, "Dang, Marge, that thing looks like a sperm": 7,172,219 Total number of people who will come to Atlanta this July: 17 million Total available parking-spaces: 4 As you can imagine, every single resident of Atlanta is wildly excited about the Olympics, except for those residents who have been sick of the whole thing since roughly 1991. The city is being transformed by a frenzy of construction. When I visited, a huge new state-of-the-art stadium was being finished; immediately upon completion, it will, in a demonstration of just how frenzied this town is, be torn down and replaced by an even NEWER stadium for the actual games. Also, all the major highways in north-central Georgia are being reconstructed so that, when viewed from the air they spell out "COCA-COLA WELCOMES THE OLYMPICS." (This project was planned before anybody realized the "Olympics" has a "y" in it.) Coca-Cola is the Official Carbonated Beverage That Tastes Pretty Much The Same as Pepsi of the 1996 Olympics. There are many other official sponsors, including Avon, which is the Official Cosmetics, Skin Care and Fragrance sponsor; and "Wheel of Fortune" and "Jeopardy!" which are - I swear I am not making this up - the Official Game Shows. Of course the Olympics are not just about big corporations paying rediculous sums of money to be official sponsors. The Olympics are also about ordinary sports fans paying rediculous sums of money for lodging. I saw a classified advertisement in the Atlanta Journal-Constitution in which somebody was offering to rent a four-bedroom, two-bath home during the Olympics for $10,000, which doesn't sound too unreasonable until you notice that this home is located in central Alabama. As an American and a sports fan, you're probably wondering if you can cash in on this. I think so. The official 1996 Olympics Travel and Accomodations Guide has a map showing four official Housing Zones as concentric circles increasingly distant from Atlanta: Zone 4 include Nashville, Tenn. So let's say you have a house in Witchita, Kan.: All you do is put an ad in the Journal-Constitution offering to rent Olympic housing in, say, Zone 9 (Seattle would be Zone 23). Go ahead! GIve it a shot! You can't win if you don't enter the race! Speaking of which, there will also be, weather permitting, some athletic events with the 1996 Olympics. If you would like to obtain tickets to see one of these events, hahahahaha. No, seriously, there are a total of 11 million event tickets for the games, and although most of these were snatched directly off the printing press by Olympic officials, corporate sponsors, heads of state, local politicians, the media, celebrities, organized crime and rich people in general, that still leaves, for distribution to the general public, a number (3) of prime tickets to the quarter-finals of the Cross-Country Badminton event. If you would like to appply for a chance to receive these tickets on a first-come, first-served random lottery basis, place a wad of cash in an envelope and mail it to Fair Ticket Sweepstakes, c/o Dave Barry, Olympic Housing Zone 8. But even if you are not fortunate enough to be able to see the Olympic Games in person, you'll still be able to be a part of the Olympic experience by watching every second of the coverage, including commercials, on TV. (Don't even get up to take a shower! People are paying a LOT of money to show you these commercials!) I for one cannot wait for that dramatic moment in the July 19 Opening Ceremony when the torch-carrying runner enters the stadium and, in a dramatic gesture symbolizing the essence of the Olympic spirit, buys a vowel. -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Sun Jun 9 13:26:00 1996 Date: Sun, 9 Jun 1996 13:26:00 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Receptive Noninitiation Excerpts from The Official Sexually Correct Dictionary and Dating Guide by Henry Beard and Christopher Cerf. DATING DON'TS AND DON'TS A Handy Checklist for the Politically Correct 90s Here, just in time for spring, is a list of things that are now against the rules, according to the the sex-and-dating police. Read -- and memorize -- this information to avoid lawsuits, dismissal from work, expulsion from school -- or worse! LIP-LICKING, TEETH-LICKING, AND PROVOCATIVE EATING. All these (and more) are on a list of "unacceptable gestures and behaviors" distributed at the University of Maryland at College Park. STANDING TOO CLOSE. Standing too close is one of a long list of "sexually harassing behaviors" that Susan Strauss and Pamela Espeland caution us "have been reported in U.S. high schools." (Others are MAKING "VERBAL COMMENTS ABOUT CLOTHING" and "WEARING AN OBSCENE HAT.") ATTENDING PERFORMANCES OF "ROMEO AND JULIET." London school official Jane Hardman-Brown refused to take her students to see "Romeo and Juliet" on the grounds that it was a "blatantly heterosexual love story." EXCESSIVE EYE-CONTACT. University of Toronto chemistry professor Richard Hummel was recently prosecuted for "prolonged staring" at a female student. INSUFFICIENT EYE-CONTACT. A handbook published at Barnard College in New York warns male professors who fail to make sufficient eye-contact with their female students that their conduct is "contributing to a biased atmosphere in the classroom" which may cause women to "feel discouraged and/or physically threatened." RECEPTIVE NONINITIATION. If a woman makes a pass at her male boss, and her boss responds, he (not she) is guilty of sexual harassment, according to Hunter College professor Sue Rosenberg Zalk. Zalk's term for this underpublicized offense: "receptive noninitiation." FORGETTING A WOMAN'S NAME. A report issued by a committee at the University of Pennsylvania lists "women's names not remembered" as a pernicious form of sexual discrimination. PUBLIC DISPLAYS OF AFFECTION. The Minnesota Department of Education discourages "displays of affection in hallways" on the grounds that such displays "may offend others" and are "heterosexist." HAMBURGERS. Jeremy Rifkin, author of Beyond Beef, notes that "the statistics linking domestic violence and quarrels over beef are both revealing and compelling." SELF-DEPRECATING HUMOR. And finally this, from Robin Morgan, former editor of Ms.: If a man's "self-deprecating humor" leads a woman to initiate sex with him, then that man is -- in a "radical feminist" sense of the term -- guilty of assault. --------------------------------- Provided by David Frankel -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Sun Jun 9 14:00:08 1996 Date: Sun, 9 Jun 1996 14:00:08 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Eat and Get Gas II 2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess. Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family. Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00. For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too. Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family. We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00. 50% Off Our Rockers! ---------------------------- From Al Slivinski, of course -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From mcafee Sun Jun 9 14:02:17 1996 Date: Sun, 9 Jun 1996 14:02:16 -0500 (CDT) From: R Preston McAfee To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Beam me Your Starship Captain just might be a redneck if... - your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month - he paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles - you have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob" - he refers to Klingons as "Critters" - he refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns" - he has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil - he installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section - he says "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open hailing frequencies" - he hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen - he rewires his communicator into his belt buckle - he keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it - he says "Yee-Ha!" instead of "Engage" - he has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser - he insists on calling his executive officer "Bubba" - he sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of "Bassmaster" - he programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens - he paints the starship John Deere green - he refers to a Pulsar as a "Blue Light Special" - he refers to the Mutara Nebula as a "swamp" - his moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale - he sings "Lucille" instead of "Kathleen" - his idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls - he wears mirrored shades on the Bridge - his idea of a "gas giant" is that big ol' XO Bubba after a meal of beans and weenies - he sets his phaser to "Cajun" From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Mon Jun 10 21:26:34 1996 Date: Mon, 10 Jun 1996 21:26:34 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Russian Politicians Leonid Ilyich Brezhnev was not the most intelligent leader of the USSR. Technically speaking, he was dumb as a stump. To conceal this, virtually everything Brezhnev said was written on cue cards by aides. When Brezhnev made the opening welcome at the Moscow olympics, he began by saying "Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!" and an aide whispered "Sir, what are you doing?" It turns out that Brezhnev was reading the Olympic symbol. Current commentary on the coming election in Russia: "Gorbachev took us to the edge of the abyss, and Yeltsin has made a great leap forward." ---------------------- Thanks to Julia McAfee -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Wed Jun 12 13:47:12 1996 Date: Wed, 12 Jun 1996 13:47:12 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: More Fingers than Teeth Top Indications Your Family May be Dysfunctional 18> The exorcist hotline number jotted next to the phone. 17> New bill to ban assault weapons specifically mentions your family. 16> Your vacations are planned through AA instead of AAA. 15> Your mother and your preteen sister always fighting over the last beer. 14> In the middle of family reunion, FBI cuts power to ranch. 13> Bikers next door always complaining about the noise. 12> Local police save money by making your house a precinct substation. 11> Brother is writing nostalgic screenplay, "A Menedez Family Christmas." 10> Your new little sister is named after a famous serial killer. 9> Holidays usually celebrated by sniffing glue and kicking a toaster around the house. 8> Your son informs you he doesn't care to be your cellmate anymore. 7> You have to buy separate Mother's Day cards for each of Mom's personalities. 6> No more sunny breakfast nook now that kitchen is a methamphetamine lab. 5> You *finally* get your work published in a major newspaper and your rat-bastard brother sics the Feds on you. 4> Instead of saying grace before dinner, father reads a passage from Penthouse Forum. 3> Thanksgiving Dinner consists of Wild Turkey instead of roast turkey. 2> Didn't make today's Top Five List? Dad holds ya, Mom beats ya. ... and the Number 1 Indication Your Family May be Dysfunctional... 1> Family discussions usually begin with, "Put the gun down." --------------------------------- Thanks to Al Slivinski, of course -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Wed Jun 12 15:21:38 1996 Date: Wed, 12 Jun 1996 15:21:38 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Catbox Lining Firm Grasp of the Obvious Department From the Notebook pages of The New Republic 1995: -------------------------------------------------------- Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link Cornell Daily Sun, December 7, 1995 Whatever Their motives, Moms Who Kill Kids still Shock Us Holland Sentinal, date unknown. Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut The New York Times, November 22 Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find The Los Angeles Times, November 2 'Light' meals are lower in fat, calories Huntington Herald-Dispatch, November 30 Alcohol ads promote drinking The Hartford Courant, November 18 Malls try to attract shoppers The Baltimore Sun, October 22 Official: Only rain will cure drought The Herald-News, Westpost, Massachusetts Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men The Sunday Oregonian, September 24 Low Wages Said Key to Poverty Newsday, July 11 Man shoots neighbor with machete The Miami Herald, July 3 Tomatoes come in big, little, medium sizes The Daily Progress, Charlottesville, Virginia, March 30 Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones, Study Shows The New York Times, March 10 Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies The Los Angeles Times, March 2 Scientists see quakes in L.A. future The Oregonian, January 28 Wachtler tells graduates that life in jail is demeaning The Buffalo News, February 26 Free Advice: Bundle up when out in the cold Lexington Herald-Leader, January 26 Prosecution paints O.J. as a wife-killer Fort Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel, January 25 Economist uses theory to explain economy Collinsville Herald-Journal, February 8 Bible church's focus is the Bible Saint Augustine Record, Florida, December 3, 1994 Clinton pledges restraint in use of nuclear weapons Cedar Rapids Gazette, April 6 Discoveries: Older blacks have edge in longevity The Chicago Tribune, March 5 Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear Journal of Commerce, April 20 Biting nails can be sign of tenseness in a person The Daily Gazette of Schenectady, New York, May 2 Lack of brains hinders research The Columbus Dispatch, April 16 How we feel about ourselves is the core of self-esteem, says author Louise Hart Boulder, Colorado, Sunday Camera, February 5 Fish lurk in streams Rochester, New York, Democrat & Chronicle, January 29 -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Sun Jun 16 17:45:00 1996 Date: Sun, 16 Jun 1996 17:45:00 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: The Sound of One Hand Squeezing Mustard Q: What did the Zen Master say to the hotdog vender? A: "Make me one with everything." ---------------------------------------------------- Thanks to Curt Taylor, who evidently has been in California too long. -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Thu Jun 20 18:57:16 1996 Date: Thu, 20 Jun 1996 18:57:16 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Yellow Snow President Clinton wakes up to a beautiful winter morning. The sun is shining, the air is crisp, and there is a light blanket of snow on the ground. He stretches and goes to look out the window at the snow-covered White House lawn and sees the words "President Clinton sucks" written in pee in the snow. Clinton gets all upset and calls White House Security. He tells them he doesn't care what it takes but he wants to know who did this. The Chief of Security returns in a couple of days to the President and tells him that he has good news, bad news, and real bad news. "OK," says Clinton, "give me the good news first, then the bad news, and then the real bad news." The Chief says: "The good news is after taking analysis of the pee, we know who the culprit is." Clinton nods and the Chief continues: "The bad news is the culprit is Vice President Gore." This really upsets the President, but he controls his anger and asks the Chief to tell him the real bad news. The Chief of Security swallows and says, "It's in Hilary's hand writing". ---------------------------------------- Thanks to David Frankel -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From mcafee Sat Jun 22 21:26:29 1996 Date: Sat, 22 Jun 1996 21:26:29 -0500 (CDT) From: R Preston McAfee To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: What kind of doctor? A woman goes to the doctor, and he tells her, "You're in great shape. You have the breasts of an 18-year-old. You have the waist of a 20-year old. You have the thighs of a 16-year-old." She goes home all excited, and tells her husband, who's watching TV, "Honey, I went to the doctor, and he told me I'm in great shape." "Yeah, yeah," he replies, uninterestedly. "He said I have the breasts of an 18-year old, the waist of a 20-year-old, and the thighs of a 16-year-old." "Yeah, yeah," the husband says, "What'd he say about yer ass?" "Sorry," the wife responds, "your name never came up." From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Mon Jun 24 21:28:41 1996 Date: Mon, 24 Jun 1996 21:28:41 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: The Inexorable March of Progress "I smoke in moderation, only one cigar at the time." -Mark Twain The last time I reported on catalogs, I was trying to figure out what color "Arizona" is. This is from The Executive Gallery [Motto: "Your Source for Career Development & Lifestyle Enhancement Products"], p.11. SMOKING A FINE CIGAR IS A GREAT PLEASURE, REMEMBERING IS EVEN GREATER. February, 1985. Aspen. After a glass of Cabernet Sauvignon, you retrieve a priceless Montecristo cigar from your pocket. You fondle the oily hand-rolled tobacco torpedo in your hand. As soon as you light it, the incomparable aroma fills the air. The cinnamon flavor is enhanced by the strong chocolate and leather notes. The long spicy finish culminates in perfection. You can recall every detail of that special cigar in our handsome leather journal. From the color of ash to the coutry of origin, each element of your cigars will be recorded and and rememberedf for years. Leather Cigar Journal Item LCJ289 $59.95 The advertisement (I'm not making this up) shows a picture. One devotes a page to each cigar experience, including type of cigar, price (the sample shows $9.00), date, occasion (the sample says "Promotion"), source ("My boss" - evidently the boss forgot to remove the price tag), place smoked, food and wine, who made the wrapper, the guage, shape (one of eight categories, including, inexplicably, "Pyramid"), and eight 1 to 10 ratings, including oiliness, color of ash (what's a ten?), firmness, finish, evenness of burn, taste, and two more I can't decipher. There is room for comments, an overall rating (circling one of the first ten positive integers), and even a place to glue the label, in case someone ever disputes your record. This catalog also features - a baseball with a golfer silk-screened on it - a notepad that conceals a flask - a leather bag to "Pretend you are part of the Pony Express" Operators are standing by, giggling. -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Tue Jun 25 12:04:08 1996 Date: Tue, 25 Jun 1996 12:04:08 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Stand-up Crook `Were looking for somebody who is very embarassed or very tired.' -A police spokesperson, on the thieves who raided an impotence clinic in Melbourne, Australia, stealing drugs that can cause five-day-long erections. From the June 22, 1996 London Free Press, and sent to me by Al Slivinski -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Wed Jun 26 09:04:06 1996 Date: Wed, 26 Jun 1996 09:04:06 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Testes Marketing TORONTO (Jun 25, 1996 - 15:41 EST) -- The Canadian Football League was looking for attention when it came up with a new marketing slogan. Not all the attention has been good, though. Jeff Giles, the CFL's chief operations officer, admits that some people are offended by the "Our Balls Are Bigger" slogan. "I think you tend to hear more from the people who are upset than the people who are not," Giles said. "The slogan was meant to reflect an attitude. It depicts the attitude that we've been kicked around a lot and we're going to start kicking back." The slogan also refers to the days when the CFL used a bigger football than the NFL. Both leagues now use the same size balls. "I used to have a tough time holding CFL footballs because they were so big," Winnipeg quarterback Kent Austin said. "But they're the same size as the NFL's ball these days." Despite the controversy over the slogan, Giles said CFL executives are satisfied because the campaign has made more people aware of the league. "Our objective already has been met because people are talking about us -- negatively or positively," he said. ----------------------------------- Contributed by John McMillan -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Fri Jun 28 11:19:18 1996 Date: Fri, 28 Jun 1996 11:19:18 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: He's an Unqualified Success Robert Thornton, a professor of economics at Lehigh University in Bethlehem, PA, has compiled a list, the Lexicon of Inconspicuously Ambiguous Recommendations, of useful phrases for letters of recommendation on marginally qualified or unqualified candidates. Thornton's AEA listing gives his specialty as Public Employee Bargaining. --Some examples from LIAR-- For a lazy candidate: In my opinion, you will be very fortunate to get this person to work for you. To describe a person who is totally inept: I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever. To describe an ex-employee who had problems getting along with fellow workers: I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine. To describe a candidate who is so unproductive that the job would be better left unfilled: I can assure you that no person would be better for the job. To describe a job applicant who is not worth further consideration: I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment. To describe a person with lackluster credentials: All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly. ------------------------------------------ Thanks to Chantale LaCasse -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Fri Jul 5 12:37:37 1996 Date: Fri, 5 Jul 1996 12:37:37 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: New Math, eh? It was reported yesterday that a lobsterman in a small town in Nova Scotia had trapped a 133 year old lobster. As part of the town's summer festival, there will now be a contest to guess the weight of the 133 year old lobster. When interviewed by a CBC reporter, a spokesman for the town assiduosly refused to reveal the weight of the lobster so as not to compromise the contest. The spokesman was willing, however, to explain how the age of the lobster was determined. "It's quite simple", said the spokesman. "A lobster gains one pound of weight every seven years. Thus one can determine his age by multiplying his weight by seven." -------------------------------------------------------------- Thanks to Ig Horstmann -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Fri Jul 5 12:46:40 1996 Date: Fri, 5 Jul 1996 12:46:40 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: New Math, eh? It was reported yesterday that a lobsterman in a small town in Nova Scotia had trapped a 133 year old lobster. As part of the town's summer festival, there will now be a contest to guess the weight of the 133 year old lobster. When interviewed by a CBC reporter, a spokesman for the town assiduosly refused to reveal the weight of the lobster so as not to compromise the contest. The spokesman was willing, however, to explain how the age of the lobster was determined. "It's quite simple", said the spokesman. "A lobster gains one pound of weight every seven years. Thus one can determine his age by multiplying his weight by seven." -------------------------------------------------------------- Thanks to Ig Horstmann -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Wed Jul 17 14:14:23 1996 Date: Wed, 17 Jul 1996 14:14:23 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Lost in translation We've seen some of these faux pas before. This list is from John Chilton. Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example... The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth." In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead." Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off." The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty." When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe. Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals". Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse. When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company mistakenly thought the spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant." An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato." Chicken-man Frank Perdue's slogan, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that explained "It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused." Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means "big breasts." In this case, however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno mag. In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water. Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name. In an effort to boost orange juice sales in predominantly continental breakfast eating England, a campaign was devised to extoll the drink's eye-opening, pick-me-up qualities. Hence the slogan, "Orange juice. It gets your pecker up." -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Tue Jul 30 17:00:25 1996 Date: Tue, 30 Jul 1996 17:00:25 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Schrodinger's Cat Ate My Homework Created by Jason Lisle Due to the enormous workload involved in physics classes combined with stress and lack of sleep, physics students often forget (either by accident, defense mechanism, or intentionally) what their major really is. Thus, as a physics major, I took it upon myself to create a small list of indicators to help us all remember what we really are. YOU MIGHT BE A PHYSICS MAJOR... if you have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically. if you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division. if you chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force." if you've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator. if when you look in a mirror, you see a physics major. if it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer. if you frequently whistle the theme song to "MacGyver." if you always do homework on Friday nights. if you think in "math." if you've calculated that the World Series actually diverges. if you hesitate to look at something because you don't want to break down its wave function. if you have a pet named after a scientist. if you laugh at jokes about mathematicians. if the Humane society has you arrested because you actually performed the Schrodinger's Cat experiment. if you can translate English into Binary. if you can't remember what's behind the door in the science building which says "Exit." if you have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer, because there's a wind-chill factor in the lab. If you are completely addicted to caffeine. if you avoid doing anything because you don't want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe. if you consider ANY non-science course "easy." if when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe. if you'll assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math easier. if you understood more than five of these indicators. if you make a hard copy of this list, and post it on your door. If these indicators apply to you, there is good reason to suspect that you might be classified as a physics major. I hope this clears up any confusion. ------------------------------------------- Thanks to Moin Yahya -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Tue Jul 30 22:48:15 1996 Date: Tue, 30 Jul 1996 22:48:15 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Posteriors of Science The Economist (7/6/96) reports an experiment that I am very happy I was not the RA for: Leaf-cutter ants are tropical insects that spend their days slicing pieces out of plants...to fertilize "gardens" where the ants grow fungus, which they eat... Two Welsh biologists, Melanie Bass...and Malcolm Cherrett...found that a fungus garden exposed to the attentions of worker ants for a mere three hours produced 30% more fungus than a garden that had been kept ant-free. [They] suspected this was due to pruning. The ants...broke off bits of the mycelial mass which, in turn stimulated further growth...To confirm their hypothesis, the two agromyrmecologists had to rule out alternative explanations. One alternative was that the ants' feces were fertilizing the fungi. This possibility was eliminated by emptying the rectums of the workers in come colonies before letting them loose in the garden. ------------------------ Thanks to Charlie Brown. -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Mon Aug 12 07:12:50 1996 Date: Mon, 12 Aug 1996 07:12:50 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: All Hat 'n' No Computer How to tell if you might be a "high tech redneck" If your e-mail address ends in ".over.yonder.com" If you connect to the World Wide Web via a "Down Home Page" If the bumper sticker on your truck says "My other computer is a laptop" If your laptop has a sticker that says "Protected by Smith and Wesson" If you doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone. If your baseball cap read "DEC" instead of "CAT" If your computer is worth more than all your cars combined If your wife said "either he or the computer had to go", and you still don't miss her If you've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your beer on If you ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy" If your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite truck, tractor, or farm animal If you start all your e-mails with the words "Howdy y'all" -------------------- Thanks to Moin Yahya -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From mcafee Tue Aug 13 16:38:13 1996 Date: Tue, 13 Aug 1996 16:38:12 -0500 (CDT) From: R Preston McAfee To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Engineering Psychology People who work in the fields of science and technology are not like other people. This can be frustrating to the nontechnical people who have to deal with them. The secret to coping with technology-oriented people is to understand their motivations. This chapter will teach you everything you need to know. I learned their customs and mannerisms by observing them, much the way Jane Goodall learned about the great apes, but without the hassle of grooming. Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to be one. The word "engineer" is greatly overused. If there's somebody in your life who you think is trying to pass as an engineer, give him this test to discern the truth. ENGINEER IDENTIFICATION TEST You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked. You... A. Straighten it. B. Ignore it. C. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a solar-powered, self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron. The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to anybody who writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole stupid thing on "Marketing." SOCIAL SKILLS Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction. "Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social interaction: *Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation *Important social contacts *A feeling of connectedness with other humans In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives for social interactions: *Get it over with as soon as possible. *Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant. *Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects. FASCINATION WITH GADGETS To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories: (1)things that need to be fixed, and (2)things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them. Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems. Normal people don't understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet. No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized and feature-poor toys. FASHION AND APPEARANCE Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste. LOVE OF "STAR TREK" Engineers love all of the "Star Trek" television shows and movies. It's a small wonder, since the engineers on the starship Enterprise are portrayed as heroes, occasionally even having sex with aliens. This is much more glamorous than the real life of an engineer, which consists of hiding from the universe and having sex without the participation of other life forms. DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above function. Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest, and handy around the house. While it's true that many normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people harbor an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineerlike children who will have high-paying jobs long before losing their virginity. Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties to late forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible men in technical professions: * Bill Gates. * MacGyver. Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain that way until about thirty minutes after their clinical death. Longer if it's a warm day. HONESTY Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the truth. Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed below. "I won't change anything without asking you first." "I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow." "I have to have new equipment to do my job." "I'm not jealous of your new computer." FRUGALITY Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a problem in optimization, that is, "How can I escape this situation while retaining the greatest amount of cash?" POWERS OF CONCENTRATION If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability to concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead prematurely. Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started checking resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree in electrical engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it. RISK Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake, the media will treat it like it's a big deal or something. EXAMPLES OF BAD PRESS FOR ENGINEERS * Hindenberg. * Space Shuttle Challenger. * SPANet(tm) * Hubble space telescope. * Apollo 13. * Titanic. * Ford Pinto. * Corvair. * Intel Pentium The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this: RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people. REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame. Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to avoid risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for reasons that are far too complicated to explain. If that approach is not sufficient to halt a project, then the engineer will fall back to a second line of defense: "It's technically possible but it will cost too much." EGO Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers: * How smart they are. * How many cool devices they own. The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that the problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable problem until it's solved. No illness or distraction is sufficient to get the engineer off the case. These types of challenges quickly become personal -- a battle between the engineer and the laws of nature. Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem. (Other times just because they forgot.) And when they succeed in solving the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better than sex--and I'm including the kind of sex where other people are involved. Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that somebody has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means it's not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along these lines: "I'll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to solve difficult technical problems." At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand between the engineer and the problem. The engineer will set upon the problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Sun Aug 18 21:15:21 1996 Date: Sun, 18 Aug 1996 21:15:21 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Just Say No KT&T Communications, not be confused with AT&T Communications, has registered several new operating units in Texas. Those companies, "I Don't Know", "I Don't Care", "It Doesn't Matter", and "Whoever", charge about double the cost of some other long distance companies for operator-assisted long distance calls, the Associated Press says. The choice comes when the operator asks which long distance company you want to complete your call. "It's not deceptive at all," insists Dennis Dees, president of KT&T. Dees won't say how many calls his new companies has completed, but said "I Don't Care" and "It Doesn't Matter" were the most successful. (AP) ---------------------------------------------- Thanks to Chantale LaCasse -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Mon Aug 26 11:01:17 1996 Date: Mon, 26 Aug 1996 11:01:17 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: MIT Admissions The last time we looked in on MIT's admissions, we found: "Nerd City. A place where everyone talks in numbers, chats via e-mail, and studies all night. Yep, that's MIT. The buildings and majors and classes have numbers instead of names. The place is swarming with rocket scientists, computer scientists, social scientists, and probably a few mad scientists. And students never leave the lab. No parties, no dates, no fun." -The MIT Admissions Brochure Here are further admissions of MIT Admissions. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- April 18, 1994 Mr. John T. Mongan [Address supressed] Dear John: You've got the grades. You've certainly got the PSAT scores. And now you've got a letter from MIT. Maybe you're surprised. Most students would be. But you're not most students. And that's exactly why I urge you to consider carefully one of the most selective universities in America. The level of potential reflected in your performance is a powerful indicator that you might well be an excellent candidate for MIT. It certainly got my attention! Engineering's not for you? No problem. It may surprise you to learn we offer more than 40 major fields of study, from architecture to brain and cognitive sciences, from economics (perhaps the best program in the country) to writing. What? Of course, you don't want to be bored. Who does? Life here *is* tough *and* demanding, but it's also *fun*. MIT students are imaginative and creative - inside and outside the classroom. You're interested in athletics? Great! MIT has more varsity teams - 39 - than almost any other university, and a tremendous intramural program so everybody can participate. You think we're too expensive? Don't be too sure. We've got surprises for you there, too. Why not send the enclosed Information Request to find out more about this unique institution? Why not do it right now? Sincerely, Michael C. Benhke Director of Admissions P.S. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, "Insight," just check the appropriate box on the form. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- May 5, 1994 Michael C. Behnke MIT Director of Admissions Office of Admissions, Room 3-108 Cambridge MA 02139-4307 Dear Michael: You've got the reputation. You've certainly got the pomposity. And now you've got a letter from John Mongan. Maybe you're surprised. Most universities would be. But you're not most universities. And that's exactly why I urge you to carefully consider one of the most selective students in America, so selective that he will choose only *one* of the thousands of accredited universities in the country. The level of pomposity and lack of tact reflected in your letter is a powerful indicator that your august institution might well be a possibility for John Mongan's future education. It certainly got my attention! Don't want Bio-Chem students? No problem. It may surprise you to learn that my interests cover over 400 fields of study, from semantics to limnology, from object-oriented programming (perhaps one of the youngest professionals in the country) to classical piano. What? Of course you don't want egotistical jerks. Who does? I *am* self-indulgent *and* over confident, but I'm also amusing. John Mongan is funny and amusing - whether you're laughing with him or at him. You're interested in athletes? Great! John Mongan has played more sports - 47 - than almost any other student, including oddball favorites such as Orienteering. You think I can pay for your school? Don't be too sure. I've got surprises for you there, too. Why not send a guaranteed admission and full scholarship to increase your chance of being selected by John Mongan? Why not do it right now? Sincerely, John Mongan P.S. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, "John Mongan: What a Guy!" just ask. ------------------------------ Thanks to Chantale LaCasse. -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Tue Aug 27 11:47:38 1996 Date: Tue, 27 Aug 1996 11:47:38 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Defensive Driving This item from last week's PBS radio's "Car Talk": Cecile Porc drove for eight miles with a cyclist spread-eagled across her windscreen, refusing to stop because she thought he was a mugger. Madame Porc, 83, hit the man at a crossroads near Valence, catapulting him onto the bonnet where he clung for dear life. As she accelerated to 70 miles an hour, she was shouting "Murderer, Murderer" said the victim. He hammered on the windscreen and screamed "I'm a cyclist" but she just turned on the windscreen wipers. She was eventually stopped by a police roadblock but remained unrepentant. "My only regret," she later declared, "is that I didn't drive into a wall and squash him like a truffle." -------------------------------------------- Thanks to Charlie Brown -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Wed Aug 28 14:04:19 1996 Date: Wed, 28 Aug 1996 14:04:19 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: People Unclear on the Concept 45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil. Karen Lee Joachimmi, 20, was arrested in Lake City, Florida for robbery of a Howard Johnson's motel. She was armed with only an electric chain saw, which was not plugged in. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, R.I, after allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and stealing the closest four bags of money. It turned out they contained $800 in PENNIES, weighed 30 pounds each, and slowed him to a stagger during his getaway so that police officers easily jumped him from behind. The Belgium news agency Belga reported in November that a man suspected of robbing a jewelry store in Liege said he couldn't have done it because he was busy breaking into a school at the same time. Police then arrested him for breaking into the school. Drug-possession defendant Christopher Johns, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five-minute recess to compose himself. Atlanta Braves pitcher John Smoltz gave himself five-inch-long welts in March when he tried to iron his polo shirt while wearing it. "I've ironed that way five or six times," he said, "and never had it happen." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thanks to Scott Freeman -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Tue Sep 3 15:11:29 1996 Date: Tue, 3 Sep 1996 15:11:29 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Tourette's Parrot I thought I had distributed this one a few years ago, but I didn't find it in the archives [http://eco.utexas.edu]. So I'm glad Chantale LaCasse reminded me of it. So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush. At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets *very* quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?" -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Fri Sep 6 12:21:46 1996 Date: Fri, 6 Sep 1996 12:21:46 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Royal Normans David Sibley has just given me what must be the ultimate conspiracy theory, making the Trilateral Commission Conspiracy Theory appear sane. The document, which runs twelve pages, is entitled "Plan to Overthrow U.S. Ruling Families - Royal Normans," and begins by saying "Not a conspiracy theory, but documented evidence." This remarkable document sets out how the descendants of William the Conqueror, having enslaved England in 1066, continue to dominate England and the U.S. Seventeen presidents are listed as descendants of William the Conqueror (or RONOs - Royal Normans), and moreover the wives of six others (including both wives of Woodrow Wilson) were also RONOs. RONOs continue to control the United States by a complicated process that involves control of 27,000 foreign corporations, and the creation of money by banks and the federal reserve. Banks create money by loaning it out (evidently without reserve requirements) and then keeping the interest payments. The actual plan involves driving the RONOs to an "isolated desert protection area" where we can watch them very closely ("Each RONO must be individually and continuously electronically monitored by cameras, microphones etc. 24 hours a day"), and stop them from "killing, robbing, enslaving and mass deceiving. RONOs must learn to do their work, themselves. This will also clean their bloodlines for future births." The method of overthrowing the RONOs involves drawing a symbol, that looks like this || /---\ | N | \___/ | \ kind of a stylized R with an inscribed N and two horns at the top (which I gather signify the horns of Vikings). Seeing this symbol will cause RONOs to become uncomfortable. There is a complication - there are false RONOs: people who believe they are descended from English royalty, but are not. The document doesn't say what to do about them. If we succeed in driving the RONOs to the desert, there will be no more rent, mortgage payments, and property taxes, because a government for the people (rather than for RONOs) will give people what they want. The document ends with a description of nineteen other publications (although one of them is the document itself) about RONOs, including a list of songs about RONOs such as that smash hit "Who hates RONOS? We hate RONOs" and "Kuke'em, kuke'em, kuke'em. Kuke Royal Normans." Another publication sets out lies by RONOs about Japanese ownership of U.S. industry, and two are devoted to the manipulation of the banks and Federal Reserve System. Thought you'd like to know. -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Mon Sep 16 14:02:43 1996 Date: Mon, 16 Sep 1996 14:02:43 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: CNNsual CNN recently set up a 1-800 number so that people could call in with questions and comments about the programming. The number to call is 1-800-TALKCNN. Mistakenly, however, CNN advertised the 1-800 number as 1-800-CNNTALK. Call the second number and you will see why CNN is extremely embarrassed about their advertising blunder. Don't worry, it's completely toll free. Thanks to Moin Yahya -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Tue Sep 17 09:52:57 1996 Date: Tue, 17 Sep 1996 09:52:57 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Big Brother Oslo, Norway -- There was only one thing wrong with the plan two men drew up for a $1.56 million robbery Monday. The police had a copy. When the two suspects tried to rob the Norwegian postal service's cash transport between the northern towns of Bodoe and Narvik, 30 heavily armed police, a helicopter and a fleet of police cars were waiting. One suspect was shot, suffering minor wounds in both legs. The other surrendered peacefully, the Norwegian news agency NTB reported. Their names were not released. The men, two Swedes in their mid-30s, had drawn up careful plans for the robbery but lost them. The police found the plans in an unclaimed suitcase left at Oslo's Fornebu Airport on March 24. Police kept tabs on the men for nearly six months, waiting for them to strike -- and made sure the van was not carrying cash that day. -----From today's Austin American-Statesman, p. A3---------------------- And also in the news.... MANY DON'T WASH HANDS, STUDY SHOWS A study of 6,333 users of public restrooms, co-sponsored by the American Society for Microbiology and Bayer Corp., was conducted by having researchers hide in stalls or "pretend to comb their hair." Behavior at particular locations in five cities was examined. The study found: New York has the filthiest hands, with 60% of those using the facilities in Penn station washing their hands afterwards. At Chicago's Navy pier, 78% washed their hands. At the casino in New Orleans, 71% washed, while 69% in San Francisco's Golden Gate Park and 64% after an Atlanta Braves game washed up. Women are more likely to wash than men (74% to 61%), but in New Orleans and New York, women were slightly less likely to wash up. Finally, 94% of the population claim they always wash their hands after using public restrooms. -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Wed Sep 18 15:24:33 1996 Date: Wed, 18 Sep 1996 15:24:33 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Wooden it be nice? That evening, addressing 1,200 people at a $1,000-a-plate dinner sponsored by the Conference of Presidents of Major American Jewish Organizations in Manhattan, he [Al Gore] asked if anyone ever heard the story about the first Jewish President. No one had, of course, so he began by saying that the first Jewish President had called his mother to insist she attend the inauguration, and she responded by saying, "Oh, in January? In Washington? It's so cold. What will I wear?" Mr. Gore said the Jewish President then insisted that his mother come, saying: "Mother, you have to be there. I'll send Air Force One. You'll sit next to the Secretary of State, and he'll be very nice." "She finally agreed to come," Mr. Gore went on. "She sits next to the Secretary of State. The President-elect stands up, raises his hand to take the oath of office. Then his mother nudges the Secretary of State and says, `See that man up there with his hand up? His brother's a doctor.'" ------------From the New York Times, Saturday, Sept 14, 1996---------- Thanks to Madeline Zavodny The same woman is walking along Fifth Avenue in Manhattan and a flasher in a trenchcoat comes up, opens the coat wide, and exposes himself. She says "You call that a lining?!?" -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Sun Sep 22 08:15:03 1996 Date: Sun, 22 Sep 1996 08:15:03 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Take the money and run for office From today's Austin American-Statesman, p. A15 WASHINGTON - Professional prankster Michael Moore wanted to know how low America's presidential contenders would go for cash. Or at least, how carefully they look at the checks they get. He sent a $100 check labelled "Hemp Growers of America" to President Clinton's re-election campaign. It came back stamped "PAID" -- followed by two thank-you notes from Clinton. Then Moore sent Pat Buchanan, who has made outlawing abortion a crusade, $100 from "Abortionists for Buchanan." He followed with $75 from "The John Wayne Gacey Fan Club," a phony group for a real serial killer named Gacy. Both were cashed. "If it said $100, we just saw the dollar signs," said Connie Mackey, a spokeswoman for the now-defunct Buchanan campaign. Moore, best known for taking on General Motors in the satirical documentary film "Roger & Me," didn't fool everyone. Bob Dole's Republican presidential campaign returned two checks from "Satan Worshipers for Dole." Billionaire Ross Perot passed up a $100 donation marked "Pedophiles for Free Trade." Perot, who had not yet received the Reform Party nomination, wasn't accepting contributions at the time. -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Tue Sep 24 09:29:37 1996 Date: Tue, 24 Sep 1996 09:29:37 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: They hit them with urine-soaked, rolled-up salmon skins instead Stockholm--As Swedes brace themselves for the start of a long, cold winter, artist Ann-Kristin Antman has come up with a Stone Age design especially for the cold climate-an anorak made of urine-soaked fish skin. Antman, from Vuollerim in far-northern Sweden, made the coat from the skins of 20 salmon weighing about 15 kilograms each, Swedish tabloid Aftonbladet reported. She soaked the coat in five litres of urine collected from members of her family. `It is a method used during the Stone Age in Sweden', Antman said. `Eskimos hardened fish skin in urine and made raincoats and even shoes from it. It protects well from the rain and rough weather and is really hard-wearing. The smell disappears when you rinse the skins in water, ' Antman reassured potential fashion victims. From Reuter, reprinted in the London Free Press. And in a related story in the Globe and Mail: Dr. Randall Lockwood of the U. S. Humane Society has studied the problem of dog bites for 25 years. He insists that one would never have to hit a dog to get it to behave. `In 20 years of watching wolves, I never saw a wolf hit another wolf with a rolled-up newspaper. Violence begets violence.' ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thanks to Al Slivinski -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From mcafee@eco.utexas.edu Mon Sep 30 13:34:08 1996 Date: Mon, 30 Sep 1996 13:34:07 -0500 (CDT) From: R Preston McAfee To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Trouble Brewing The following is a letter sent to Miller Brewing Company earlier this month. ======================================== Miller Brewing Company Milwaukee, Wisconsin 53201 Dear Sir or Madam, I have been a drinker of Miller beer's for many years (actually, ever since that other company donated a big chunk of change to Handgun Control Inc. back in the mid 80's). Initially, my beer of choice was Lite, but some time in mid 1990 while in Honduras I switched to MGD smuggled up from Panama. Now, for nearly six years, I have been a faithful drinker of MGD. For these past years, I have come to expect certain things from Genuine Draft. I expect that whenever I see that gold can of MGD, I am about ready to enjoy a great, smooth brew. But wait! Sometime around the first of the year, my beloved MGD changed colors, so to speak. That familiar gold can was no longer gold! Knowing that I am, by nature, somewhat resistant to change, I forced myself to reserve judgment on the new can design. Gradually, I grew to appreciate the new label. That was until about May of this year. That was when I discovered (empirically) that I really didn't like the new design. Further investigation of the cause of my distress resulted in the following observations: 1. Your cans are made of aluminum. 2. Aluminum is a great conductor of energy. 3. Your beer is commonly consumed outside, and thus, the container may be exposed to sunlight. 4. Sunlight striking the can causes radiant warming of the surface of the can. 5. The resultant heat (energy) is transferred through the aluminum, by conduction, to the contents of the can (the beer). 6. Warm beer sucks. This is a process that can be observed in just about any beer. However, this process is significantly accelerated in MGD because you painted the damn can black!!! Who was the rocket scientist that designed the new graphic for the can and implemented the change right before summer? Granted, this process may not be real evident up there in Wisconsin, but down here in Oklahoma where the summers are both sunny and hot, this effect is quite a problem. There's no telling what the folks in Texas and Arizona are having to put up with. Knowing that you would probably not address this issue unless you had firm evidence of a problem, I and several other subjects conducted extensive experimentation. The results of these experiments are listed below. The experiments were conducted over two days on the deck next to my pool. The study included seven different types of beer (leftovers from a party the previous weekend) that were initially chilled to 38( and then left exposed to sunlight for different lengths of time. These beers were sampled by the testsubjects at different intervals. The subjects, all normally MGD drinkers, were asked at each sampling interval their impressions of the different beers. The length of time between the initial exposure to sunlight and the point where the subject determined the sample undrinkable (the Suckpoint) was determined. The average ambient temperature for the trials was 95 degrees F. Beer Type Average Suckpoint (min) ====================================== Miller Lite (white can) 6.2 Bud (white can) 5.5 Bud Lite (silver can) 5.2 Ice House (blue and silver can) 4.4 Coors Lite (silver can) 4.1 Miller Genuine Draft (black can) 2.8 Coors (gold can) 0.1 It was evident that the color of the can directly correlates to the average suckpoint, except for Coors which was pretty much determined to suck at any point. It is to be hoped that you will consider re-designing your MGD cans. All beer drinkers that are not smart enough to keep their beer in the shade will thank you. Sincerely, Bradley Lee Beer-drinker ============= Dear Bradley Lee, Thank you for your letter and your concern about the MGD can color as it relates to premature warming of the contents. Like you, we at Miller Beer take beer drinking very seriously. To that end, we have taken your letter and subsequent experiment under serious consideration. Outlined below are our findings and solution to your problem. May we add that we have had similar letters from other loyal beer drinkers, mostly from the Southern United States. First, let us congratulate you on your findings. Our analysis tends to agree with yours regarding Coors. It certainly does suck at about any temperature. Now, it was our intentions when redesigning the MGD can to create better brand identity and brand loyalty. Someone in marketing did some kind of research and determined we needed to redesign the can. You will be pleased to know, we have fired that idiot and he is now reeking havoc at a pro-gun control beer manufacturer. The design staffer working in cahoots with the marketing idiot was also down-sized. However, once we realized this mistake, to undo it would have been even a bigger mistake. So, we took some other actions. From our market research, we found a difference between Northern beer drinker and Southern beer drinkers. Beer drinkers in the South tend to drink slower than beer drinkers in the North. We are still researching why that is. Anyway, at Miller Beer, it was never our intentions to have someone take more than 2.5 minutes to enjoy one of our beers. We pride ourselves in creating fine, smooth, quick drinking beers and leave the making of sissy, slow sipping beers to that Sam guy in Boston. However, it is good to know that you feel our Miller Lite can last as long as 6 minutes. However, may we suggest in the future you try consuming at least two in that time frame. From your letter, we had our design staff work 'round the clock to come up with a solution that would help not just MGD but all our fine Miller products. We hope you have recently noticed our solution to your problem. We found that the hole in the top of the can was not big enough for quick consumption. So, we have now introduced the new "Wide Mouth" cans. We hope this will solve all your problems. Might I also suggest that if you what to get the beer out of the can even faster, you can poke a hole on the side near the bottom, hold your finger over it, open the can, tip it to your mouth and then pull your finger off the hole. This is a common way to drink beer at parties and impress your friends. This technique is known as "shot-gunning". You should like the name. Again, thank you for your letter and bring to our attention that there might be other beer drinkers taking more that 2.5 minutes to drink our beers. Let me assure you that I am have our advertising department work on campaign to solve this problem, too. Sincerely, Tom B. Miller Public Relations Miller Brewing Co. P.S. And remember, at Miller Beer we do favor gun control, too. So please use two hands when firing. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Thanks to Moin Yahya From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Tue Oct 1 10:58:37 1996 Date: Tue, 1 Oct 1996 10:58:37 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: This crud's for you Reported in the Globe and Mail: Archeologists in Berkeley Cal. are excavating a 1920 trash pit left by the Zeta Psi fraternity, to see how early Californians lived. `Among the artifacts. ' says the Associated Press, ` was formal china decorated with the fraternity crest, including demitasse coffee cups. [It] indicates a since-lost dining formality as well as an effort to reinforce community spirit through the use of the crest, placed on the cups so it would face right-handed drinkers.' In other Globe and Mail news: In Britain, 300 women have taken out insurance against having a virgin birth by act of God-in expectation of a Second Coming in the year 2000. The annual fee is 100 pounds and the payout would be 1 million pounds, says the Sunday Telegraph. -------------------------- Thanks to Al Slivinski -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From mcafee@eco.utexas.edu Thu Oct 3 10:37:29 1996 Date: Thu, 3 Oct 1996 10:37:28 -0500 (CDT) From: R Preston McAfee To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Algebraic Sociology After applying some simple algebra to some trite phrases and cliches a new understanding can be reached of the secret to wealth and success. Here are two well-known truths Knowledge is Power, Time is Money. As every engineer knows, Power is Work over Time. Substituting algebraic equations for these time worn bits of wisdom, we obtain: K = P (1) T = M (2) P = W/T (3) Now, do a few simple substitutions: Put W/T in for P in equation (1), which yields: K = W/T (4) Put M in for T into equation (4), which yields: K = W/M (5) Now we've got something. Expanding back into English, we get: Knowledge equals Work over Money. What this MEANS is that: 1. The More You Know, the More Work You Do, and 2. The More You Know, the Less Money You Make. Solving for Money, we get: M = W/K (6) Money equals Work Over Knowledge. From equation (6) we see that Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches 0, regardless of the Work done. What THIS MEANS is: The More you Make, the Less you Know. Solving for Work, we get W = M x K (7) Work equals Money times Knowledge From equation (7) we see that Work approaches 0 as Knowledge approaches 0. What THIS MEANS is: The stupid rich do little or no work. Working out the socioeconomic implications of this breakthrough is left as an exercise for the reader. ----------------------------- Thanks to Mike Sadler From mcafee@eco.utexas.edu Sun Oct 6 15:19:41 1996 Date: Sun, 6 Oct 1996 15:19:40 -0500 (CDT) From: R Preston McAfee To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: The Bubba-Ann Landers File PERSONAL HYGIENE ---------------- Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods. Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours. Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method. DINING OUT ---------- When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label. Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours. ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME ------------------------- A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his manners are. Be considerate of your guests. Point out in advance where the injury-threatening springs are located on the sofa. If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes. DATING (Outside the Family) --------------------------- Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. No matter how broke you are, never take your date flowers that were stolen from a cemetery. Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago." Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00. Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the boy's responsibility to get her to school on time. If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration. Even if you can't get a date, avoid kidnapping. It's bad for your reputation. THEATER ETIQUETTE ----------------- Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you. WEDDINGS -------- Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift. Is it okay to bring a date to a wedding? Not if you are the groom. When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you cut. A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also a proven fly deterrent. For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion. DRIVING ETIQUETTE ----------------- Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way. Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving. Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession. TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS ---------------------- Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home. The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets. Always provide an alibi to the police for family members. From mcafee@eco.utexas.edu Sun Oct 6 15:21:35 1996 Date: Sun, 6 Oct 1996 15:21:34 -0500 (CDT) From: R Preston McAfee To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Lost in Translation The following are winners in a New York Magazine contest in which contestants were asked to take a well-known expression in a foreign language, change a single letter, and provide a definition for the new expression. HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS?-Can you drive a French motorcycle? EX POST FUCTO-Lost in the mail IDIOS AMIGOS-We're wild and crazy guys! VENI, VIPI, VICI-I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered J'Y SUIS, J'Y PESTES-I can stay for the weekend. COGITO EGGO SUM-I think, therefore I am a waffle. RIGOR MORRIS-The cat is dead. RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID-Honk if you're Scottish. QUE SERA SERF-Life is feudal. LE ROI EST MORT, JIVE LE ROI-The King is dead. No kidding. POSH MORTEM-Death styles of the rich and famous PRO BOZO PUBLICO-Support your local clown. MONAGE A TROIS-I am three years old. FELIX NAVIDAD-Our cat has a boat. HASTE CUISINE-Fast French food VENI, VIDI, VICE-I came, I saw, I partied. QUIP PRO QUO-A fast retort ALOHA OY-Love; greetings; farewell; from such a pain you should never know! MAZEL TON-Lots of luck APRES MOE LE DELUGE-Larry and Curly get wet. PORTE-KOCHERE-Sacramental wine ICH LIEBE RICH-I'm really crazy about having dough. FUI GENERIS-What's mine is mine. VISA LA FRANCE-Don't leave chateau without it. VENI, VIDI, VISA-I came, I saw, I bought CA VA SANS DIRT-And that's not gossip MERCI RIEN-Thanks for nothin'. AMICUS PURIAE-Platonic friend L'ETAT, C'EST MOO-I'm bossy around here. L'ETAT, C'EST MOE-All the world's a stooge. -------------------------------------------------- Thanks to Robert Goldfarb From mcafee@eco.utexas.edu Sun Oct 6 15:25:54 1996 Date: Sun, 6 Oct 1996 15:25:53 -0500 (CDT) From: R Preston McAfee Reply-To: R Preston McAfee To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Beastlist 666 - Number of the beast 668 - Neighbor of the beast 660 - Approximate number of the Beast DCLXVI - Roman numeral of the Beast 666.0000 - Number of the High Precision Beast 0.666 - Number of the Millibeast 1/666 - Common Denominator of the Beast 666[-/(-1)] - Imaginary number of the Beast 1010011010 - Binary of the Beast 29A - Hexidecimal of the Beast 1-666 - Area code of the Beast 00666 - Zip code of the Beast 1-900-666-0666: Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now! Only $6.66/minute. Over 18 only please. $665.95 - Retail price of the Beast $699.25 - Price of the Beast plus 5% state sales tax $769.95 - Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul $656.66 - Walmart price of the Beast $646.66 - Next week's Walmart price of the Beast Phillips 666 - Gasoline of the Beast Route 666 - Way of the Beast 666 F - Oven temperature for roast Beast 666k - Retirement plan of the Beast 666 mg - Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast 6.66% - 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast of Hell National Bank, $666 minimum deposit. DSM-666 (revised) - Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast Lotus 6-6-6 - Spreadsheet of the Beast Word 6.66 - Word Processor of the Beast i66686 - CPU of the Beast 666i - BMW of the Beast 6, uh... what was that number again? - Number of the Blonde Beast -- Thanks to John Benedetto From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Mon Oct 7 10:05:05 1996 Date: Mon, 7 Oct 1996 10:05:05 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Lawn Physics The state of Texas regulates the lawn sprinkler installation industry. Until yesterday, I thought this regulation was an excellent example of Stigler's "capture theory." From yesterday's "Ask Marilyn" column in Parade Magazine: Q: If a lawn sprinkler with a rotating head were to suck water in instead of spewing it out--that is, if you were to put it underwater and apply suction to the other end of the hose--in which direction would the sprinkler head turn: in the same or the opposite direction? And why? A: This very phenomenon was the subject of much discussion and argument among nuclear physicists and quantum theorists until Richard Feynman (who had waffled back and forth between educated guesses) decided to conduct an experiment and learn the result through direct observation. After getting everything set up and operating (although he decided to use compressed air in a glass bottle to force the sprinkler inside to send the water back out through the hose), he opened the valve a little farther and then a little farther yet, and the whole thing exploded, spraying glass and water everywhere and making a big mess in the basement of Princeton's new cyclotron lab, from which he was then exiled. Supposedly, the sprinkler didn't turn at all, and it's now accepted that, because the water enters all the holes from all directions at the same time, it applies no force. Imagine how tough it's going to be for these guys to learn whether the Big Bang theory is correct! ----------------------- Thanks to Charles Brown -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Tue Oct 8 09:17:36 1996 Date: Tue, 8 Oct 1996 09:17:36 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Wishful Thinking A husband and wife were out enjoying a round of golf, and about to tee off on the third hole lined with beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice - her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. The ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces. They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened. When they peeked inside the house, they found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a gentleman sitting on the couch witth a turban on his head. The wife asked the man, "Do you live here?" "No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there, freeing me from that little bottle. I am so grateful!" he answered. The wife asked "Are you a genie?" "Oh, why yes i am. In fact, I am so grateful i will grant you two wishes, and the third i will keep for myself." the man replied. The husband and wife agreed on two wishes - one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever. The genie nodded his head and said "Done!" The genie now said, "For my wish, i would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, i made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire." The husband and wife agreed. After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife "How long have you been married?" To which she responded "Three years." The genie then asked "How old is your husband?" To which she replied "31 years old" The genie then asked "And how long has he believed in this genie stuff?" -------------------------- Thanks to Chantale LaCasse -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Tue Oct 8 10:41:55 1996 Date: Tue, 8 Oct 1996 10:41:55 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Autoerotic I knew this feller, he told me this, I don't know if it's true. He said that one day he was riding through North Carolina and he saw a sign that said: "VASELINE-POWERED CAR FOR SALE". He thought this was pretty odd, and he had plenty of time to screw off, so he decided to follow the signs to look at the Vaseline-powered car. He drove for about 5 miles and finally came upon a sign that pointed up a driveway, which led back into some woods. He pulled in and drove about half a mile and came upon a house. It looked deserted so he blew the horn. He waited for about a minute before an old man came out. He rolled his window down and called out to him, "Hey! Is it true that you have a Vaseline-powered car for sale?" The old man assured him he did and the feller asked him if he could see it. They walked back behind the house to an old barn. The old man opened the double wide barn door and there was a car sitting under an old dirty blanket. The old man pulled the blanket off the car and under it was a shiny red Corvette. "1969, 396 Cubic inch, 400 horsepower, 4-speed transmission", the old man said. The feller asked him if it was true that the car ran on Vaseline. And the old man went to the Vaseline tank and stuck his hand inside. When he pulled it out it was covered with Vaseline. "Care to drive it?", he asked. As the feller snapped on his seat belt the old man said, "Don't go too fast. Vaseline has more pick-up than regular gas. And it's low on Vaseline, too, so don't go too far". This feller turned the key and that car fired up and it sounded like the space shuttle and then it settled down like a purring tiger. He found first gear and eased out of the barn. He turned onto the hardtop and hit second gear at 45 mph. Third at 70 and into fourth at 95. The car felt wonderful! 110 mph and so smooth! And the pick-up was unbelieveable! He had covered 5 miles in under 3 minutes and all of a sudden the car shut off. He coasted to a stop and got out. To his fear, he was out of Vaseline. He started to walk. Meanwhile, down the road... A family had just finished supper. There was Dad, Mom, and two daughters, one home from college, the other in high school. Dad was telling Mom how good supper was and Mom said that since she cooked such a fine meal that she shouldn't have to wash the dishes. The oldest girl said that she couldn't do the dishes because she had a date and the other said she had homework to do and couldn't do the dishes. Dad said that he was the man of the house and he'll be damned if he would do the dishes. They argued for a few minutes and then Dad told everybody to shut up. He said that since they couldn't decide who would wash the dishes then what they should do is go in the living room, sit down, and the first person to say anything would have to do the dishes. They agreed and moved to the living room. They sat down and stared at each other, not speaking a word. Everybody had their mouths closed. Nobody dared to speak. Silence filled the room. There was a knock at the door. A few moments later, another knock. The man at the door saw the family through the window. He knocked again but nobody answered. He walked in. "Hey, I knocked on your door but nobody said...hey, food! Do you mind if I have some?" The stranger asked. Nobody said anything. So he went to the table and started eating. He looked in the fridge and found some beer and asked if he could have some. Nobody said anything. He drank three or four beers and got a little buzz. He walked into the living room and asked dad if he minded if he had sex with his oldest daughter. Nobody said anything. He took the girl in the bedroom and had sex with her. Later, he was back at the supper table drinking more beer. He walked back into the living and asked dad if he could have sex with his youngest daughter. Nobody said anything. He took her into the bedroom and had sex with her, too. Later, sitting at the table, after more beer, mom started to look pretty good. He walked in and asked dad if he minded if he had sex with his wife. Nobody said anything. So he took mom into the bedroom and had sex with her. When he was through he walked into the living room and stood in front of dad. "Hey, do you have any Vaseline?", he asked dad. And dad said, "I'll wash the damn dishes." -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Wed Oct 9 14:32:14 1996 Date: Wed, 9 Oct 1996 14:32:14 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Rocket Scientists During the heat of the space race in the 1960s, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of approximately $1 million U.S. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth. The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil. --------------------------- Thanks to Moin Yahya -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Wed Oct 9 14:35:56 1996 Date: Wed, 9 Oct 1996 14:35:56 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Nepotism is Fourth "Corruption is not the number one priority of the Police Commissioner. His job is to enforce the law and fight crime." - Police Benevolent Association President E.J. Kiernan -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Fri Oct 11 11:43:45 1996 Date: Fri, 11 Oct 1996 11:43:45 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Panting This is circulating around the internet as a true story. This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage. Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night. Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like Prohibition is coming back. Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make it through twenty minutes without either puking or shitting. After several hours of this, he is able to stop puking, but he is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes to shit. He doesn't want to cancel the date, because he's afraid he won't ever talk to her again. So they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a 30 minute ride). They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the appetizers to use the bathroom. They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without interruption, but he has to go back again during the entrees. They decide to get dessert. During dessert, our hero feels another rumbling, but doesn't want to look like a complete bathroom freak, so he holds it. After a few minutes, the rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of gas stored up. He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there at the table (discreetly, of course). Unfortunately, this little bit of gas came with another little surprise. "Oh shit," he thinks (and feels). Instead of running to the bathroom right away, our hero immediately leans on the arms of his chair to keep from sitting on this surprise. He maintains this yoga position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure out what to do before his tan pants... (a) start to smell, or (b) start to show stains on the outside. He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant. Oh, by the way, he is walking like a cowboy. On the way to the train station, they pass the Gap. "Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was looking at last week?" he asks. "No problem, I'd like to look around too," she replies. They go into the Gap. Fortunately, at the Gap, men's fashions are on the right, women's fashions are on the left. They split up. Our hero grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the khakis. After selecting a pair that most closely resemble his current outfit, he brings both items to the register. His eyes are on his date (still on the other side of the store) to make sure that she doesn't see him buying the pants. He doesn't even want the sweater, so he says through clenched teeth (just in case his date can read lips from 40 feet away) "Just the pants." "What?" asks the Gap girl. "Just the pants!" (His eyes still trained on his date.) Gap girl: "Oh, OK." He pays for the pants and walks over to his date, then they leave the store. They board the train just before it leaves the station and find two seats in the middle of the car. Without sitting down, our hero excuses himself and walks to the bathroom in the back of the car. He gets to the bathroom as the train departs, and quickly rips off his pants and boxer shorts. He rolls them into a ball and throws them out the window. After cleaning himself off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls out...just the sweater. As you must have realized, the only solution is to wear the sweater as pants. So he squeezes his legs into the arms of the sweater and pulls the rest of the fabric tight around his waist. He can only keep himself covered by hunching over. Walking will be a new challenge altogether. Rather than going through the absolute trauma of returning to his seat and explaining (or creating an elaborate lie to explain) the entire incident, our hero waits in the bathroom until the train stops at the next station. He waits until the moment the train starts to pull away from the station, then dashes out of the bathroom (as quickly as a hunched over cowboy with sweater pants can dash) and jumps off the train. He is lost and stranded somewhere between New York City and Westchester. He hasn't seen the girl since. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Here are three from Curt Taylor. There was this old couple in a nursing home talking. The old man says to the old woman, "I'll bet you can't guess how old I am." The old woman says, "I can if you unzip your fly." The old man unzips his fly, and the old woman reaches into his pants and gropes around for a minute or so. She pulls back her hand and says to him, "You're 83 years old." The old man says, "That's amazing! How did you do that?" The old woman says, "You told me yesterday." -------------------------------------------- God says to Adam "I have some good news and some bad news, what do you want to hear first?" Adam says "Tell me the good news first." God says "I'm going to give you a penis and a brain. You'll derive from these great pleasure and great intellect." Adam replies, "Wonderful! But what's the bad news?" God says, "I'm only going to give you enough blood supply to work one at a time." -------------------------------------------- A brunette walks into a bar and asks for a "CL". "CL?" asks the bartender. "Duh!" says the brunette, "A Coors Light". Bartender hands her the beer. Redhead walks into the bar and asks for a "BL". "BL?" asks the bartender. "Duh!" says the redhead, "A Bud Light". Bartender hands her the beer. A ______ [there's no way I'm going to distribute another ______ joke ever again!] walks into the bar and asks for a "15". "15?" asks the bartender. "Duh!" says the ______, "a 7 'n 7" ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thanks to Curt Taylor for trying to get me in trouble. -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Sat Oct 12 22:09:11 1996 Date: Sat, 12 Oct 1996 22:09:11 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Mixups The LBJ library released 80 hours of tapes and transcripts made by President Lyndon B. Johnson at the beginning of his presidency. The transcription was imperfect. The transcription has LBJ saying "I've got a pack of them bastards waiting on me." It appears, given the context, that LBJ actually said "I've got the Pakistani Ambassador waiting on me." (from today's Austin American-Statesman). Contrary to my earlier credit, Jeffrey M. Seiff was not the source of "Autoerotic." Rather, someone went to a lot of trouble to make it appear to me that he was, as a strategy for embarrassing him. Seiff says he objected to someone who mailed this joke, along with two others, to everyone at Stanford GSB. I apologize for the misattribution. Bear in mind that it is not technically difficult to forge email. Even this email might not have come from me, but from someone else, like Jeffrey M. Seiff. -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Mon Oct 14 15:04:48 1996 Date: Mon, 14 Oct 1996 15:04:48 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: How 'bout them winders? Ways things would be different if Microsoft was headquartered in Alabama 1. Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders 2. Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an unopened beer bottle 3. Occasionally you'd bring up a window that was covered with a Hefty bag 4. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-right" or "Naw" 5. Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos 6. The "Recycle Bin" in Winders'95 would be an outhouse with a crescent moon 7. Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player you'd hear a digitized drunk redneck yelling "Freebird!" 8. Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders '95 theme song wouid be Achy-Breaky Heart 9. PowerPoint would be named "ParPawnt" 10. Microsoft's programming tools would be "Vishul Basic" and "Vishul C++" 11. Winders 95 logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag 12. Microsoft Word would be just that: one word 14. Instead of Vice President, Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz" 15. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am 16. Microsoft Office replaced with Micr'sawft Henhouse 17. Well, the first thing you know, old Bill's a billionaire 18. Speadsheet software would include examples to inventory dead cars, fridges and washing machines in your front yard 19. Flight Simulator replaced by Monster Truck Simulator 20. Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates ------------------------------ Thanks to Laila Asmar -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Mon Oct 14 18:08:36 1996 Date: Mon, 14 Oct 1996 18:08:36 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Aggie Pastime The hazards of southern engineering. From Arkansas Democrat & Gazette, Thursday, July 25, 1996 TWO LOCAL MEN INJURED IN FREAK ACCIDENT Two local men were seriously injured when their pick-up truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday morning. Woodruff County Deputy Davey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center. The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog gigging trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pick-up truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded on east-bound toward the White River Bridge. After traveling approximately 20 miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to the right exiting the pavement and striking the tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his nuts off or we might have been dead", stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper for ten years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how the accident happened," said Snyder. Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia, Poole's wife asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck. -------------------------- Thanks to Chantale LaCasse -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Tue Oct 15 09:04:38 1996 Date: Tue, 15 Oct 1996 09:04:38 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Red tapeworm "JUDGE, A law student who marks his own papers." - H.L. Mencken Politics defined: Poli = many; tics = blood suckers. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. -P.J. O'Rourke Driving slowly to save gas is like writing slowly to save ink. " Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these." --Ovid (43 B.C.-A.D. 18) "BUREAUCRAT, n.: A person who cuts red tape sideways." -- J. McCabe -------------------------- Thanks to Chantale LaCasse -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Tue Oct 15 10:19:19 1996 Date: Tue, 15 Oct 1996 10:19:19 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Sarcastic Skies During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?" Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "(Expletive) you." Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too." The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was canceled and people were late, they were no longer angry at United. ---------------------- Thanks to Al Slivinski -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From mcafee@eco.utexas.edu Fri Oct 18 19:17:29 1996 Date: Fri, 18 Oct 1996 19:17:28 -0500 (CDT) From: R Preston McAfee To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: No Anxiety A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door: 1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook. 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. 9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. 10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T! 11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me." 12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry". 13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God." 14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's. -------------------------------------------- Thanks to Paul Milgrom From mcafee@eco.utexas.edu Wed Oct 23 13:41:11 1996 Date: Wed, 23 Oct 1996 13:41:11 -0500 (CDT) From: R Preston McAfee To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: Obscure Facts I make no claims for the accuracy of these facts. If you toss a penny 10000 times, it will not be heads 5000 times, but more like 4950. The heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the bottom. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher. The housefly hums in the middle octave, key of F. A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. If your eyes are six feet above the surface of the ocean, the horizon will be about three statute miles away. The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. The only other word with the same amount of letters is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconioses, its plural. Hydroxydesoxycorticosterone and hydroxydeoxycorticosterones are the largest anagrams. Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula." Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older. An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots. The band Duran Duran got their name from an astronaut in the 1968 Jane Fonda movie "Barbarella. Cleo and Caesar were the early stage names of Cher and Sonny Bono. Ben and Jerry's send the waste from making ice cream to local pig farmers to use as feed. Pigs love the stuff, except for one flavor: Mint Oreo. The company providing the liability insurance for the Republican National Convention in San Diego is the same firm that insured the maiden voyage of the HMS Titanic. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer. Dr. Samuel A. Mudd was the physician who set the leg of Lincoln's assassin John Wilkes Booth...and whose shame created the expression for ignominy, "His name is Mudd." The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during world War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo. Wilma Flintstone's maiden name was Wilma Slaghoopal, and Betty Rubble's Maiden name was Betty Jean Mcbricker. A pregnant goldfish is called a twit. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 The Ramses brand condom is named after the great pharaoh Ramses II who fathered over 160 children. If NASA sent birds into space they would soon die, they need gravity to swallow. Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life" It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog throws up its stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of its mouth. Then the frog uses its forearms to dig out all of the stomach's contents and then swallows the stomach back down again. Armored knights raised their visors to identify themselves when they rode past their king. This custom has become the modern military salute. White Out was invented by the mother of Mike Nesmith (Formerly of the Monkees) . Sylvia Miles had the shortest performance ever nominated for an Oscar with "Midnight Cowboy." Her entire role lasted only six minutes. Charles Lindbergh took only four sandwiches with him on his famous transatlantic flight. Goethe couldn't stand the sound of barking dogs and could only write if he had an apple rotting in the drawer of his desk. If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes. Gilligan of Gilligan's Island had a first name that was only used once, on the never-aired pilot show. His first name was Willy. The skipper's real name on Gilligan's Island is Jonas Grumby. It was mentioned once in the first episode on their radio's newscast about the wreck. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak. Playing cards were issued to British pilots in WWII. If captured, they could be soaked in water and unfolded to reveal a map for escape. The "L.L." in L.L. Bean stands for Leon Leonwood. Ivory bar soap floating was a mistake. They had been over mixing the soap formula causing excess air bubbles that made it float. Customers wrote and told how much they loved that it floated, and it has floated ever since. Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realize what is occurring, relax and correct itself. The saying "it's so cold out there it could freeze the balls off a brass monkey" came from when they had old cannons like ones used in the Civil War. The cannonballs were stacked in a pyramid formation, called a brass monkey. When it got extremely cold outside they would crack and break off... Thus the saying. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself. The Sanskrit word for "war" means "desire for more cows." A walla-walla scene is one where extras pretend to be talking in the background -- when they say "walla-walla" it looks like they are actually talking. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb. 101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy) are the only two Disney cartoon features with both parents that are present and don't die throughout the movie. 'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand. The Baby Ruth candy bar was actually named after Grover Cleveland's baby daughter, Ruth. A whale's penis is called a dork. Armadillos have four babies at a time and they are always all the same sex. Armadillos are the only animal besides humans that can get leprosy. To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, push your thumbs into its eyeballs -- it will let you go instantly. Reindeer like to eat bananas. A group of unicorns is called a blessing. Twelve or more cows are known as a "flink." A group of frogs is called an army. A group of rhinos is called a crash. A group of kangaroos is called a mob. A group of whales is called a pod. A group of geese is called a gaggle. A group of ravens is called a murder. A group of officers is called a mess. A group of larks is called an exaltation. A group of owls is called a parliament. Physicist Murray Gell-Mann named the sub-atomic particles known as quarks for a random line in James Joyce, "Three quarks for Muster Mark!" Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a Calorie. The phrase "sleep tight" derives from the fact that early mattresses were filled with straw and held up with rope stretched across the bed frame. A tight sleep was a comfortable sleep. "Three dog night" (attributed to Australian Aborigines) came about because on especially cold nights these nomadic people needed three dogs (dingos, actually) to keep from freezing. ___________________________________________________________ Thanks to Moin Yahya From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Wed Oct 23 15:29:02 1996 Date: Wed, 23 Oct 1996 15:29:02 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: The Preacher's Ass A preacher who wanted to raise money for his church was told there was a fortune in horse racing, so he decided to buy a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep that the preacher ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured, however, that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, in the first race, his donkey came in second. The next day the paper had the headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS. The preacher was so pleased that he entered the donkey in another race. This time, it won, and the paper read PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The new headline read BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop, and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the animal. The preacher, being a charitable chap, gave it to a nun in a nearby convent. The headline the next day said NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted! He told the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey, and she finally found a farmer who would take it off her hands for ten dollars. The paper said NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS They buried the Bishop the next day. _________________________________________________________________________ Thanks to Moin Yahya. -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Thu Oct 24 21:42:45 1996 Date: Thu, 24 Oct 1996 21:42:45 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Mulling What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?" ____________________________________________________ What do you do if an aggie throws a pin at you? Run like hell, he probably has a grenade in his mouth. _____________________________________________________ Women. You can't live with them, and yet, they're everywhere. _____________________________________________________ Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. _____________________________________________________ I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths. - Steven Wright _____________________________________________________ The Aixelsyd Foundation. "Rouy Troppus Srettam." _____________________________________________________ Treat every day like it's your last day on earth: a lot of whimpering and crying. _____________________________________________________ Everytime I read a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I did, until she got an unlisted number. _____________________________________________________ Every time a plane lands, anywhere in the US, a flight attendant comes on and says "We'd like to be the first to welcome you to ..." Notice that they never actually get around to welcoming you. _____________________________________________________ F WE HD 2 WRT EMLZ LK VNTY PLTZ R WRTN, IT WUD B VRY HRD 2 CMUNEKT BT Z EMLZ WUD UZ FU CHRKTRZ, N WE WUD SAV N AKS CHRGZ. -PRZTN PS: U WR XPKTN Wm SAFR, PRAPZ? _____________________________________________________ Home is where the house is. _____________________________________________________ The light at the end of the tunnel is a train coming your way. _____________________________________________________ -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Fri Oct 25 22:26:37 1996 Date: Fri, 25 Oct 1996 22:26:37 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: I'll Try A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottled and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals - unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle". -------------------------------- Thanks to Chantale LaCasse -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Tue Nov 5 13:58:46 1996 Date: Tue, 5 Nov 1996 13:58:46 -0600 (CST) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Strategic Confession Three men are outside the priest's confessional area talking about their sins while waiting for the priest to finish. One admits to beating his wife up; the second admits to gambling his wages away and the third admits to committing adultery with a woman from the parish. The adulterer goes into the box and admits to his sin but refuses to name the woman he had committed adultery with. The priest asks him "Was it Mrs. Richards?" "No father," came the reply "and I cannot tell you who it was." "Was it Mrs. Brown?" "No father." The priest then told the man that he was going to get one more chance to confess properly and if not he would be excommunicated for two weeks. "Was it Mrs. Maclanahan?" asked the priest. "No father." "That's it," said the priest. "You're excommunicated for two weeks." The man left the cubicle with a big smile on his face. "How did it go?" asked the other two. "Great," he said. "I got two weeks off and three good leads!" __________________________________________ Thanks to Curt Taylor -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From mcafee@eco.utexas.edu Wed Nov 6 12:30:05 1996 Date: Wed, 6 Nov 1996 12:30:04 -0600 (CST) From: R Preston McAfee To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: All foam Politically correct ways to say someone is stupid: A few clowns short of a circus. A few fries short of a Happy Meal. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead. One taco short of a combination plate. All foam, no beer. The cheese slid off his cracker. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel. Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel. He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools. As smart as bait. Chimney's clogged. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash. Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor. A few peas short of a casserole. Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box. Forgot to pay his brain bill. Her sewing machine's out of thread. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels. His belt doesn't go through all the loops. If he had another brain, it would be lonely. Missing a few buttons on his remote control. No grain in the silo. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. Receiver is off the hook. Several nuts short of a full pouch. Skylight leaks a little. Slinky's kinked. Surfing in Nebraska. Too much yardage between the goal posts. One morroca short of a mariachi band. Nice house, nobody home. _______________________________________________ Thanks to SA From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Wed Nov 6 12:42:32 1996 Date: Wed, 6 Nov 1996 12:42:32 -0600 (CST) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: New Frontiers in Cosmetic Surgery From the Reuters News Service By Kevin Drawbaugh Invention Puts Rover's Dignity Back - Implants available for neutered dogs Chicago - Plastic replacement testicles for neutered dogs are selling briskly in the United States and Canada, and the manufacturer plans to market its unusual product - called Neuticles - in Britain. Since they were launched in March, Neuticles have been implanted in 817 American dogs, said CTI Corp. president and Neuticles inventor Gregg Miller, of Buckner, MO. "We're doing six to 10 U.S. implants per day," he said, adding that sales campaigns in Britain - where pets are revered - and South Africa are planned. "People are aghast when they hear about Neuticles to begin with. If you're not a dog owner, it seems silly," Miller said. But he said implants may help reduce a growing unwanted pet population by encouraging squeamish owners to go get their pets neutered. "Before, you only had one option. ... With these,the dog looks the same. He feels the same.. He doesn't even know he's been neutered," Miller said. Jelly-bean shaped Neuticles come in five sizes - suitable for dogs from Chihuahuas to Great Danes - and range in price from $28 for an extra-small pair to $32 for large. They are implanted into the scrotum in a two-minute procedure immediately following removal of the natural testicles. "We think it's kind of silly, but if this is going to be something that encourages owners to have their dogs neutered , then fine," said Martha Armstrong, spokeswoman for the Humane Society of the United States in Washington. Dr. Alan Lipowitz, a Minneapolis-based veterinarian and an officer of the American College of Veterinary Surgeons, said it was not known whether dogs suffer psychologically from neutering. "But if it makes the owner feel better and doesn't do any harm to the dog, then good," he said. A former journalist and candy-company owner, Miller got the idea for Neuticles after his bloodhound Buck lost his doghood. "I felt bad; Buck felt bad," he said. "It dawned on me that this 200-year-old procedure needed to be updated." Miller contacted veterinarian Dr. Richard Holder. "When I first told him my idea, he said I was crazy," Miller said. But Holder agreed to develop the implantation procedure and after 3 1/2 years of research, Neuticles are a reality. No complications have been reported, and veterinarians around the country are ordering the product. Implants for cats are under development, Miller said. ____________________________________________ Thanks to SA -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From mcafee@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Fri Nov 8 14:40:40 1996 Date: Fri, 8 Nov 1996 14:40:39 -0600 (CST) From: R Preston McAfee To: joke-archive@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Subject: Philosophical Coop WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? Plato: For the greater good. Karl Marx: It was an historical inevitability. Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for who among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained. Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas. Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD! Noam Chomsky: The chicken didn't exactly cross the road. As of 1994, something like 99.8% of all US chickens reaching maturity that year, had spent 82% of their lives in confinement. The living conditions in most chicken coops break every international law ever written, and some, particularly the ones for chickens bound for slaughter, border on inhumane. My point is, they had no chance to cross the road (unless you count the ride to the supermarket). Even if one or two have crossed roads for whatever reason, most never get a chance. Of course, this is not what we are told. Instead, we see chickens happily dancing around on Sesame Street and Foster Farms commercials where chickens are not only crossing roads, but driving trucks (incidentally, Foster Farms is owned by the same people who own the Foster Freeze chain, a subsidiary of the dairy industry). Anyway, ... (Chomsky continues for 32 pages. For the full text of his answer, contact subsidiary of the dairy industry). Tomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out. Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take. Douglas Adams: Forty-two. Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you. B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will. Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being. Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road. Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence. Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference. Aristotle: To actualize its potential. Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature. Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence Salvador Dali: The Fish. Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees. Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death. Epicurus: For fun. Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it. Johann Friedrich von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it. Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain. Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast. David Hume: Out of custom and habit. Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason. Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road? The Sphinx: You tell me. Mr. T: If you saw me coming you'd cross the road too! Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life. Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated. Molly Yard: It was a hen! Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side. Empiricist: Let's not jump to any conclusions. Let's ask all the above people this question and collect the facts first. This is, after all, the only way to arrive at a proper conclusion, based not on biases but on facts. __________________________________ Thanks to Max Stinchcombe From owner-joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Mon Nov 11 14:02:56 1996 Date: Mon, 11 Nov 1996 14:02:56 -0600 (CST) To: joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Aye, Matey It has always bothered me that pirates are supposed to say "Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum," like some intoxicated Santa Claus. I have also wondered about the sanitation associated with having a parrot on one's shoulder. Did pirates wear a guano shield or a striped shirt? In what follows, Al Slivinski sheds some light on why pirates appear the way they do. A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch. The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off." "Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off." "Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eyepatch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked increduously. "Well...", said the pirate, "..it was my first day with the hook." -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Mon Nov 18 13:50:26 1996 Date: Mon, 18 Nov 1996 13:50:26 -0600 (CST) To: joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Canine Dining There's a guy with a Doberman pinscher and a guy with a chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman pinscher says to the guy with a chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat." The guy with the chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The guy with the Doberman pinscher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed." The guy with the Doberman pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Doberman pinscher?" He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good." The guy at the door says, "Come on in." The guy with the chihuahua figures, "What the hell" so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The guy with the chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A chihuahua?" He says, "You mean they gave me a chihuahua?" ---------------------------------------------- Thanks to Chantale LaCasse In other news, the Texas Water Development Board had a series of bomb threats. Here is how they responded to the third one, by email. DPS has informed us that a bomb threat has been called in to the 8th floor (GLO) of the SFA building. They are not evacuating the building, but are informing us to use our discretion. We are alerting you all, so you can use your discretion as to whether to leave. Any time you take off today will need to be taken as annual leave or comp time. If you do not have any leave time left and wish to leave the building, please consult with your division director on Monday. If no one will be remaining in your division, please leave an appropriate phone message and try to leave a contact beeper number if at all possible. -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Fri Nov 22 15:24:27 1996 Date: Fri, 22 Nov 1996 15:24:27 -0600 (CST) To: joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Summer of 92 Two from Glenn MacDonald: A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces that after dinner, she would like to go out and have sex for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, " And I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!" ------------- A Magician had settled into a comfortable gig on a cruise ship. His act was rendered hilarious by his parrot, who ridiculed the magician after every trick, saying things like, "Big Deal, the card is up his sleeve," or "He put the ball in a hidden floor, the faker!" One night the ship began to sink. Confusion reigned, and the magician was barely able to hop into a tiny lifeboat with his beloved parrot. For two days the magician and the parrot floated on the rough seas. Strangely, the parrot sat on the opposite end of the tiny craft staring at the magician. Finally, the parrot blurted out, "OK, I give up! Where'd you put the *#$@%$& boat?!" -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Tue Dec 3 14:16:44 1996 Date: Tue, 3 Dec 1996 14:16:44 -0600 (CST) To: joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Constantly Surprised Two mathematicians were having dinner in a restaurant, arguing about the average mathematical knowledge of the American public. One mathematician claimed that this average was woefully inadequate, the other maintained that it was surprisingly high. "I'll tell you what," said the cynic, "ask that waitress a simple math question. If she gets it right, I'll pick up dinner. If not, you do." He then excused himself to visit the men's room, and the other called the waitress over. "When my friend comes back," he told her, "I'm going to ask you a question, and I want you to respond `one third x cubed.' There's twenty bucks in it for you." She agreed. The cynic returned from the bathroom and called the waitress over. "The food was wonderful, thank you," the mathematician started. "Incidentally, do you know what the integral of x squared is?" The waitress looked pensive; almost pained. She looked around the room, at her feet, made gurgling noises, and finally said, "Um, one third x cubed?" So the cynic paid the check. The waitress wheeled around, walked a few paces away, looked back at the two men, and muttered under her breath, "...plus a constant." --------------------- Thanks to Paul Milgrom -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Wed Dec 4 10:23:30 1996 Date: Wed, 4 Dec 1996 10:23:30 -0600 (CST) To: joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Bush League From the Toronto Globe and Mail, via Al Slivinski: Last year Barbara Bush was named `First Lady of the Century' by Outlaw Biker magazine. Music can act as a sedative during urological procedures, according to Yale University researchers. The most popular is Billy Joel, followed by classical music. --------------------------------------------- Included in the Random House College Dictionary's definition of classical music is the phrase "as opposed to popular music." So we see why classical music isn't popular. -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Thu Dec 5 14:36:18 1996 Date: Thu, 5 Dec 1996 14:36:18 -0600 (CST) To: joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Say Again? From various church announcements and pronouncements, by way of Judith Searcy: Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor. Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. __________________________________________________________ And from Moin Yahya: A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded 'yes.' After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me." "He sure is, lady," said the Captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry." -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Thu Dec 5 22:58:03 1996 Date: Thu, 5 Dec 1996 22:58:03 -0600 (CST) To: joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Love Among the Rutabagas Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a strict church. The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. The pastor goes to the middle-aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the pastor. The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied. "What happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "That's OK," said the young man, "We're not welcome at Safeway anymore either." ---------------------- Thanks to Al Slivinski -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From mcafee@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Fri Dec 6 17:01:08 1996 Date: Fri, 6 Dec 1996 17:01:07 -0600 (CST) From: R Preston McAfee To: joke-archive@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Subject: Punishment - For Children Only What do you get if you cross an elephant and a rhinocerous? 'ell if I know. 'ell if I know why I posted this, either. 1. A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." 2. A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazlenut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc." 3. A hungry African lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp. 4. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. 5. An old indian chief had a stomach ache that wouldn't go away. He summoned the medicine man. The medicine man gave him a leather thong, two feet long. "Chew on the thong every day for twenty minutes, until you've eaten the whole thing, and you will be cured." The old chief took weeks to finally eat the whole thing, but still had the stomach ache. So he summoned the medicine man again. "Did you eat the thong?", asked the medicine man. The chief replied, "yes, the thong is gone, but the malady lingers on." 6. A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents." 7. A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?" The man replies, "all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious... Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegtables, everything." "Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why chrome?" asks the patient. To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!" 8. An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. He challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred. Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys. "Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?" The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides." -------------------------------------- Thanks to El Deano From owner-joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Sun Dec 8 09:12:57 1996 Date: Sun, 8 Dec 1996 09:12:57 -0600 (CST) To: joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Easily Embarrassed From today's Austin American-Statesman Colonel Craig Reap, Chief of the Montana Highway Patrol, on Montana's daytime "reasonable and proper" (no fixed speeding limit) speed limit: "I don't think it is an embarrassment. It's a novelty, like the Unabomber and the Freeman." And in late-breaking news about the trade deficit: Progress is slow in the modernization of the FAA computer system begun in 1981. "Today, much of the FAA's 1960s-era computer equipment is still in use, some of it using vacuum tubes so outdated in the era of the silicon microchip that replacements must be imported from Poland." -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Mon Dec 9 20:35:54 1996 Date: Mon, 9 Dec 1996 20:35:54 -0600 (CST) To: joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Student from Hell From Luke Froeb: The opening credits of The Simpsons shows Bart Simpson writing the same sentence over and over again on a chalkboard, reminiscent of the whole "write it 100 times" punishment, which establishes him as a troublemaker. Each episode (when they use this version of the credits, the Simpsons are famous for changing opening and closing credits mid-season) is usually different. Someone apparently went through the trouble of taping all the Simpsons, watching them all and writing down what Bart is writing on the board. These are the collected writings of the Simpsons from the chalkboard exercises that Bart writes during the opening credits. Even if you're not a fan, you may like these. I will not carve gods. I will not spank others. I will not aim for the head. I will not barf unless I'm sick I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty. I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge. I will not conduct my own fire drills. Funny noises are not funny. I will not snap bras. I will not fake seizures. This punishment is not boring and pointless. My name is not Dr. Death. I will not defame New Orleans. I will not prescribe medication. I will not bury the new kid. I will not teach others to fly. I will not bring sheep to class. A burp is not an answer. Teacher is not a leper. Coffee is not for kids. I will not eat things for money. I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call. The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee. I will not call the principal "spud head". Goldfish don't bounce. Mud is not one of the 4 food groups. No one is interested in my underpants. I will not sell miracle cures. I will return the seeing-eye dog. I do not have diplomatic immunity. I will not charge admission to the bathroom. I will never win an emmy. The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy. All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy. I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause. I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers. My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man. I will not go near the kindergarten turtle. I am not deliciously saucy. Organ transplants are best left to professionals. The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan". I will not celebrate meaningless milestones. There are plenty of businesses like show business. Five days is not too long to wait for a gun. I will not waste chalk. I will not skateboard in the halls. Underwear should be worn on the inside. The Christmas Pageant does not stink. I will not torment the emotionally frail. -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Wed Dec 11 08:13:15 1996 Date: Wed, 11 Dec 1996 08:13:15 -0600 (CST) To: joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Surprise! Why I fired my secretary ------------------------ Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went into breakfast, knowing my wife would be pleasant and say Happy Birthday and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say Good Morning, let alone any Happy Birthday. I said, well, that's wives for you. The children will remember. The children came into breakfast and didn't say a word. When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon. About noon Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office. Do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment, we had another martini and smoked a cigarette and she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable." "Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife and children. All were singing Happy Birthday. I sat there, stunned, on the couch, wearing nothing but my socks. -------------------- Thanks to Moin Yahya -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Sat Dec 21 17:22:18 1996 Date: Sat, 21 Dec 1996 17:22:18 -0600 (CST) To: joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: For that budding bubbette From today's Austin American-Statsman While shoppers nationwide plead for Holiday Barbies, stores in San Francisco are offering a more eclectic assortment, including Trailer Trash Barbie, Hooker Barbie, and Drag Queen Barbie. The alternative dolls are retooled and decidedly unauthorized versions of the Mattel dolls. At In-jean-ious, on Castro Street, shoppers can even pay a premium to specify the precise number and locations of body piercings. Trailer Trash Barbie is as plastic and anatomically impossible as the real thing, but the similarity ends there. A cigarette dangles from her lips, her platinum hair shows black roots, she has a baby slung over her hip and a quote bubble that says "My Daddy Swears I'm the Best Kisser in the County!" There's also Big Dyke Barbie, sporting a pierced nose. Carrie Barbie is decked out in a blood-drenched prom dress. Then there's Drag Queen Barbie, actually a refurbished Ken in an evening gown and wig. At the El Segundo headquarters of Mattel, which makes the 100+ mainstream Barbies that sell at a rate of two per second, executives say they do have a sense of huor - up to a point. "The reality is that Barbie has become a cultural icon and she has been adapted to all different aspects of society," said Sean Fitzgerald, Mattel vice president for corporate communications. "we're a very diverse society - Barbie respects that." -------------------------------- In other holiday thoughts: Honk if you love peace and quiet. Give me ambiguity, or give me something else. -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Thu Jan 9 10:15:22 1997 Date: Thu, 9 Jan 1997 10:15:22 -0600 (CST) To: joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Whoops! Today was a remarkable day for news, even ignoring the overturned Brinks truck that spilled $400,000 in Overton, FL. ALEXANDRIA, Va. - Margaret Anne Hunter had been a bride four months before she discovered just how big a mistake she had made: Not only was Thorne Wesley Jameson Groves not Mr. Right, he wasn't even a mister. Thorne Groves - whom Hunter first met through an American Online chat room - was really Holly Anne Groves, a woman who claimed to have AIDS to avoid intimacy in the bedroom and who bound her breasts with elastic bandages because of what she said were chest injuries suffered in a car accident. Hunter said that when she confronted Groves with her suspicions, the woman admitted the deception but gave no explanation. "I know that what he did was incredibly hurtful and cruel and fiendish," said Hunter, who still refers to her husband as "he." "As to why he did it, I don't know. I don't think Thorne knows either." Hunter is seeking an annulment. She also filed a $575,000 fraud suit against her husband to recover, among other things, the cost of the lavish wedding her parents put on last spring. Groves' mother, Janis Groves, called the lawsuits "lies" but wouldn't comment further. Hunter, 24, and Groves, 26, met online in 1995. A few times during their marriage, mail or telephone calls appeared for Holly Groves, Hunter said. Thorne Groves said Holly was his twin sister, but Hunter and her family became suspicious. "We weren't thinking he was a woman. That wasn't it. We just knew things weren't adding up. Something was wrong, and I couldn't put my finger on it," she said. ---------------------- In other news today: The Seattle school district expelled Jeffrey Parks, a ten year old, for bring a 1" long plastic gun, which came with a G.I. Joe action figure, to school. The gun violated the "zero tolerance" school policy on weapons. After meeting with the boy's parents, the school agreed to lessen the serious of the infraction from a weapons violation, which is a criminal offense, to a rules violation, a district offense. This reduction permits Jeffrey to attend school, starting today. Jeffrey denied pointing the gun at anyone, and said it was in his pocket by mistake. Another boy saw it when Jeffrey was fishing for lunch money in his pockets. Continental Airlines has sued Deborah Loeding for baking spiked bread for her ex-husband William Loeding, a Continental Airlines pilot. According to the suit, in 1994 Deborah Loeding added marijuana to a loaf of rye bread that she gave to her ex-husband, in order to get him into trouble. William Loeding was fired by Continental after a random drug test detected the marijuana, two days after he ate the bread. Deborah Loeding subsequently testified in a grievance hearing that she deliberately put the marijuana in the bread to cause him "significant distress in his personal and professional life," the lawsuit charged. -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Sat Jan 11 00:32:26 1997 Date: Sat, 11 Jan 1997 00:32:26 -0600 (CST) To: joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Health Moved On I joined an HMO at CalTech, and was assigned a primary care physician named, of all things, T. Hee (I'm not making this up). This should have better prepared me for experiences to come. Here's some FAQs. Frequently Asked Questions About Health Care By David Lubar Q. What does HMO stand for? A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!" Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eye. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same. Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification? A. No. Only those you need. Q. I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want? A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors basically fall into two categories -- those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don't worry -- the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half day's drive away! Ask for Dr. Howard. Q. What are pre-existing conditions? A. This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it. Q. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions? A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment. Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine? A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment. Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do? A. Poke yourself in the eye. Q. I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient surgery, but I'd already paid my bill. What should I do? A. You have two choices. Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries. Q. What should I do if I get sick while traveling? A. Try sitting in a different part of the bus. Q. No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick? A. You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician. It's best to wait until you return, and then get sick. Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a kidney transplant right in his office? A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10 co-payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at it. Q. What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs? A. Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses. Q. Will health care be any different in the next century? A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then. -------------------------------- Thanks to Dale O. Stahl. -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Thu Jan 16 12:11:38 1997 Date: Thu, 16 Jan 1997 12:11:38 -0600 (CST) To: joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Get Hi CNN, January 15, 1997 KINGSVILLE, Texas (Reuter) -- The greeting may take some getting used to, but Kleberg County commissioners have thrown their support behind a local man's campaign to take the "hell" out of hello. County Judge Pete De La Garza said on Wednesday that the commissioners voted unanimously for a resolution urging the use of "heaven-o" instead of hello in greetings. "Is everybody using it? The answer is of course, no. It's a very new thing and everybody's a little apprehensive," De La Garza told Reuters. "I suppose it's like everything else, once you get adjusted to it, you might start using it." The idea was spawned by flea market operator Leonso Canales who thought it sinister that the root of "hello" was "hell." He has led a three-year campaign to get the county to remove the offensive word. His victory will result in telephones being answered in the county courthourse with the salutation "heaven-o." --------------------- Thanks to Leonardo Auernheimer -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Thu Jan 23 13:39:06 1997 Date: Thu, 23 Jan 1997 13:39:06 -0600 (CST) To: joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Wait for it A young man once asked God how long a million years was to Him. God replied, "A million years to me is just like a single second in your time." The young man then asked God what a million dollars was to Him. God replied, "A million dollars to me is just like a single penny to you." The young man then got his courage up and asked: "If that's so, God, then could I have one of your pennies?" God smiled and replied, "Sure, just a second." ---------------------------------------------- Thanks to Al Slivinski. At pre-school a four-year-old boy confides a secret to a four-year-old girl. "This morning," he whispers, "I found a condom on the veranda!" The girl, looking puzzled, asks, "What's a veranda?" (Thanks to Curt Taylor, proud parent, for that bit.) -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Mon Feb 3 11:56:41 1997 Date: Mon, 3 Feb 1997 11:56:41 -0600 (CST) To: joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Good Excuse A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following; "Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more." "You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" Hey, coola down lady," said the man. Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi." Thanks to Al Slivinski, who adds: "Doing a good job around here is like peeing your pants in a dark suit; you get a warm feeling all over but nobody notices." --------------------------------------------------------------- The following are actual quotes taken from insurance forms and eventually published in the Toronto Globe & Mail, Sunday, July 26, 1977, and reprinted in National Lampoon's True Facts; provided by Francesca Cornelli. Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have. I thought my window was down but found out it was up when I put my hand through it. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. I had been shopping for plants all day, and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision. I had been driving in my car for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident. I was unable to stop in time, and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries. As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished. I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat I found that I had a skull fracture. I was sure that the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the roadway when I struck him. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him. I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off my car. The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth. I was thrown from my car as I left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows. The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end. -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Tue Feb 4 16:44:31 1997 Date: Tue, 4 Feb 1997 16:44:31 -0600 (CST) To: joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: It's useful to know a joke like this There's these three guys and they're out having a relaxing day fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish. Now one of the guys just doesn't believe it, and says: "Ok, if you can really grant wishes, than double my I.Q." The mermaid says: "Done." Suddenly, the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analyzing it with extreme insight. The second guy is so amazed he says to the mermaid: "Triple my I.Q." The mermaid says: "Done." The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems that have been stumping all the scientists of varying fields: quantum physics, chemistry, etc. The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends, that he says to the mermaid: "Quintuple my I.Q." The mermaid looks at him and says: "You know, I normally don't try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I really wish you'd reconsider." The guy says: "Nope, I want you to increase my I.Q. times five, and if you don't do it, I won't set you free." "Please," says the mermaid "You don't know what you're asking...it'll change your entire view on the universe...won't you ask for something else...a million dollars, anything?" But no matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted on having his I.Q. increased by five times it's usual power. So the mermaid sighed and said: "Done." And he became a woman. ---------------------- Thanks to Al Slivinski -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From mcafee@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Fri Feb 7 18:44:43 1997 Date: Fri, 7 Feb 1997 18:44:42 -0600 (CST) From: R Preston McAfee To: joke-archive@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Subject: Wife 2.0 Last year, a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found it's a memoryhog leaving very little system resources for other applications. Not only that, but Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before). At installation, Wife 1.0 also provides no option as to the installation of undesired plug-ins such as Mother-In-Law 55.8 and the Brother-In-Law beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0 include: - a "don't remind me again" button; - a minimize button; - an install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources; and - an option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the other systems hardware probe feature to be much more useful. I decided myself to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with GirlFriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently, you cannot install GirlFriend 2.0 on top of GirlFriend 1.0. You must uninstall GirlFriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently, the versions of GirlFriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. (You'd think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now.) To make matters worse, the uninstall program for GirlFriend 1.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. On top of everything else, all versions of GirlFriend continually pop up annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0. ******** BUG WARNING ******** Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then, Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient system resources. ******** BUG WORK AROUNDS ******** To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as LapLink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0. Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.1 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of viruses which can be accidently downloaded from the UseNet." From owner-joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Sun Feb 9 23:01:09 1997 Date: Sun, 9 Feb 1997 23:01:09 -0600 (CST) To: joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: The Loonie It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. George was a smiling, cheerful sort of mailman, not the kind who shoots up an office. When George arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him on 35 years without a single firearms incident and sent him on his way with a tidy gift of cash (no stamps). At the second house the Occupants (for that was their name - they got a *lot* of mail) presented him with a box of fine cigars. George beamed with the thought of savoring the cigars, and recording each thrilling smoking experience in his leatherbound Cigar Journal. The folks at the third house handed him an assortment of terrific fishing lures, including a Luhr-Jensen Hot Lips Crankbait, a Brown Rabbit Hair Zonker, and several Black Wooly Buggers and a clam snout. At the fourth and last house on his route he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. Without saying a word, she took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced (George has been a drooling idiot ever since). When he could stand no more, she undid the handcuffs and they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, bacon, fried potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry pancakes smothered in butter and syrup, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied and his arteries the texture of PVC pipe (now we see why it was George's last day) she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar coin, a loonie (for this occurred in Canada where mailmen only have four houses on their routes as a way of creating jobs), resting on the saucer. "This was just too wonderful for words," he said as his spittle congealed on the counter, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, `Fuck him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea." -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From mcafee@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Tue Feb 11 19:58:36 1997 Date: Tue, 11 Feb 1997 19:58:35 -0600 (CST) From: R Preston McAfee To: joke-archive@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Subject: Charmed, I'm sure First choose your favorite Lucky Charm (from the cereal) from the list below. Pink hearts Yellow moons Orange stars Green clovers Blue diamonds Purple horseshoes The oat bits Ok. Have you identified your favorite? Now you can read on. An amazing new study shows that your favorite Lucky Charms marshmallow bit shape determines what you're like in bed! Yes, it's true--just take this simple test to determine your true bedroom personality: GREEN CLOVERS: If your favorite Lucky Charms marshmallow shape is the green clover, you're a happy-go-lucky type in bed. You don't take anything too seriously in the bedroom or elsewhere and always manage to have a good time, even if you have someone else with you. You don't have any patience with depressed people and tend to sit on them until they cheer up. BLUE DIAMONDS: If your favorite marshmallow shape is the blue diamond, your thoughts in bed are mostly about what you'll get later. "If he really enjoys this, will he buy me that mink coat?" is probably what's going through your mind. People who like blue diamonds have a notebook of preprinted fill-in-the-blank palimony suit forms and are the people most likely to file their nails while making love. ORANGE STARS: If your favorite shape is the orange star, you expect to be the center of attention in bed. You expect your partner to spend most of his time pleasing you and when you do something for him, you expect enthusiastic moaning if not applause. People who like orange stars often have mirrors over their beds, not because they are turned on by watching what is being done, but because they want to be able to watch themselves having a good time. They often moan out their own names while making love. PINK HEARTS: If you like pink hearts, you're the romantic type. You like your partner to whisper romantic phrases into your ear and, if he's too distracted to form coherent phrases, you'll settle for romantic syllables. People who like pink hearts read most of the romance novels published and are turned on by people wearing armor. PURPLE HORSESHOES: If purple horseshoes are your thing, your tastes are modern, uninhibited, and somewhat warped. You like variety in the bedroom, especially when you can include handcuffs, chains, swingsets, and chocolate pudding. Be careful when going out on a picnic with anyone who likes purple horseshoes--she's/ he's likely to pin you down with croquet hoops when you're not looking and who knows what could happen next? YELLOW MOONS: If you're the yellow moon type, you're more interested in satisfying your partner's needs than your own. You prefer to lie back and wait for your partner to jump on you and express her/his needs verbally or nonverbally. People who like yellow moons usually own several pairs of handcuffs and other instruments of kinky sex just in case someone should ever want to tie them up and ravish them. Keep your eyes open for anyone who eats all the yellow moons out of her cereal as soon as she opens the box. Those little oat bits that aren't marshmallows at all: If you prefer the little oat bits, you probably don't like sex anyway and don't need to read this article. People who prefer the oat bits usually become accountants, librarians who work at the reference desk, or government employees; these people like to chow down on a big bowl brimming with oat bits before a tough day of protesting suggestive lyrics in rock music. People who like oat bits have more time to spend writing letters to the editor than any other type. --------------------------------- Thanks to Moin Yahya From owner-joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Wed Feb 12 08:56:19 1997 Date: Wed, 12 Feb 1997 08:56:19 -0600 (CST) To: joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Come-on Comeback A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?" ------------------------------ Thanks to Chantale LaCasse -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Thu Feb 13 15:10:24 1997 Date: Thu, 13 Feb 1997 15:10:24 -0600 (CST) To: joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Yankees To a southerner, a yankee is anyone who lives north of Virginia. To a New Yorker, a yankee is someone who lives in New England. To someone from Massachusetts, a yankee is someone who lives in Maine. To someone from a town in Maine, a yankee is an old coot who lives in the woods without electricity and has no teeth. So there are different views of yankees. Here is a method for assessing whether you are, in fact, a yankee. 1) You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside." 2) You think Heinz Ketchup is spicy! 3) You can pronounce "Worcestershire sauce" correctly. 4) For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits. 5) You don't know what a moon pie is. 6) You've never had grain alcohol. 7) You've never eaten okra. 8) You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork. 9) You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips. 10) You have no idea what a polecat is. 11) Whenever someone tells an off-color joke about farm animals, it goes over your head. 12) You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle. 13) You've never told a joke with a punchline. 14) You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags. 15) More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut. 16) You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show. 17) Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you say "all of you," "you guys," or "youse guys," even if both of them are women. 18) You don't think Howard Stern has an accent. 19) You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-and-knife show. 20) You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach. 21) You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house. 22) The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on-ramp on the highway. 23) You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores. 24) The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus. 25) You call binoculars "opera glasses." 26) You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping. 27) You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt. 28) You don't know what applique is. 29) Most of your formative high school sexual experiences took place within the context of a football game. 30) You don't know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy Bob, Kay Bob, Robert Bob, Percival Bob) 31) You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one. 32) You've never been to a craft show. 33) You don't pay attention when people on the subway talk to you. 34) None of your fur coats are homemade. 35) You can say succotash without smiling. -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Sun Feb 16 12:41:15 1997 Date: Sun, 16 Feb 1997 12:41:15 -0600 (CST) To: joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Can't win A Jewish guy called Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He goes into the synagogue and begins to pray: "God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto". Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Jacob goes back to the synagogue: "God, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well". Lotto night comes and Jacob still doesn't win!! Back to the synagogue: "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order?". Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Jacob is confronted by the voice of GOD himself: "JACOB, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE, BUY A FUCKING TICKET." -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Wed Feb 19 15:14:42 1997 Date: Wed, 19 Feb 1997 15:14:42 -0600 (CST) To: joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: The remarkable thing is that they're still dating This assignment was actually turned in by two English students: Rebecca and Gary English 44A SMU Creative Writing Prof Miller In-class Assignment for Wednesday Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached. ---------------------------------------------------------------- At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of the question. Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit. He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel." Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully. Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top- secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow'em out of the sky!" This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent. Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. You total $*&. Stupid %&#$!. ---------------------------------------------- Thanks to Glenn MacDonald for passing that on. -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From mcafee@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Thu Feb 20 16:57:55 1997 Date: Thu, 20 Feb 1997 16:57:53 -0600 (CST) From: R Preston McAfee To: joke-archive@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Subject: Hang 'em High (Cite as: 1996 WL 655576 (S.D.Tex.)) Stephanie SMITH v. COLONIAL PENN INSURANCE COMPANY. Civil Action No. G-96-503. United States District Court, S.D. Texas, Galveston Division. Nov. 6, 1996. Richard Lee Melancon, Melancon and Hogue, Friendswood, TX, for Stephanie Smith. James Robert Scott, Hirsch Glover Robinson & Sheiness, Houston, TX, for Colonial Penn Insurance Company. ORDER DENYING MOTION TO TRANSFER KENT, District Judge. *1 This is a breach of contract case based on an insurance contract entered into by Plaintiff and Defendant. Now before the Court is Defendant's October 11, 1996 Motion to Transfer Venue from the Galveston Division to the Houston Division of the United States District Court for the Southern District of Texas pursuant to 28 U.S.C. s 1404(a). For the reasons set forth below, the Motion is DENIED. * * * * * * * [3] Defendant's request for a transfer of venue is centered around the fact that Galveston does not have a commercial airport into which Defendant's employees and corporate representatives may fly and out of which they may be expediently whisked to the federal courthouse in Galveston. Rather, Defendant contends that it will be faced with the huge "inconvenience" of flying into Houston and driving less than forty miles to the Galveston courthouse, an act that will "encumber" it with "unnecessary driving time and expenses." The Court certainly does not wish to encumber any litigant with such an onerous burden. The Court, being somewhat familiar with the Northeast, notes that perceptions about travel are different in that part of the country than they are in Texas. A litigant in that part of the country could cross several states in a few hours and might be shocked at having to travel fifty miles to try a case, but in this vast state of Texas, such a travel distance would not be viewed with any surprise or consternation. [FN1] Defendant should be assured that it is not embarking on a three-week-long trip via covered wagons when it travels to Galveston. Rather, Defendant will be pleased to discover that the highway is paved and lighted all the way to Galveston, and thanks to the efforts of this Court's predecessor, Judge Roy Bean, the trip should be free of rustlers, hooligans, or vicious varmints of unsavory kind. Moreover, the speed limit was recentlyincreased to seventy miles per hour on most of the road leading to Galveston, so Defendant should be able to hurtle to justice at lightning speed. To assuage Defendant's worries about the inconvenience of the drive, the Court notes that Houston's Hobby Airport is located about equal drivetime from downtown Houston and the Galveston courthouse. Defendant will likely find it an easy, traffic-free ride to Galveston as compared to a congested, construction-riddled drive to downtown Houston. The Court notes that any inconvenience suffered in having to drive to Galveston may likely be offset by the peacefulness of the ride and the scenic beauty of the sunny isle. *2 [4] The convenience of the witnesses and the parties is generally a primary concern of this Court when considering transfer motions. However, vague statements about the convenience of unknown and unnamed witnesses is insufficient to convince this Court that the convenience of the witnesses and the parties would be best served by transferring venue. See Dupre, 810 F.Supp. at 823 (to support a transfer of venue, the moving party cannot merely allege that certain key witnesses are not available or are inconveniently located, but must specifically identify the key witnesses and outline the substance of their testimony). In the Court's view, even if all the witnesses, documents, and evidence relevant to this case were located within walking distance of the Houston Division courthouse, the inconvenience caused by retaining the case in this Court would be minimal at best in this age of convenient travel, communication, discovery, and trial testimony preservation. The Galveston Division courthouse is only about fifty miles from the Houston Division courthouse. "[I]t is not as if the key witnesses will be asked to travel to the wilds of Alaska or the furthest reaches on the Continental United States." Continental Airlines, 805 F.Supp. at 1397. As to Defendant's argument that Houston might also be a more convenient forum for Plaintiff, the Court notes that Plaintiff picked Galveston as her forum of choice even though she resides in San Antonio. Defendant argues that flight travel is available between Houston and San Antonio but is not available between Galveston and San Antonio, again because of the absence of a commercial airport. Alas, this Court's kingdom for a commercial airport! [FN2] The Court is unpersuaded by this argument because it is not this Court's concern how Plaintiff gets here, whether it be by plane, train, automobile, horseback, foot, or on the back of a huge Texas jackrabbit, as long as Plaintiff is here at the proper date and time. Thus, the Court declines to disturb the forum chosen by the Plaintiff and introduce the likelihood of delay inherent in any transfer simply to avoid the insignificant inconvenience that Defendant may suffer by litigating this matter in Galveston rather than Houston. See United Sonics, Inc. v. Shock, 661 F.Supp. 681, 683 (W.D.Tex.1986) (plaintiff's choice of forum is "most influential and should rarely be disturbed unless the balance is strongly in defendant's favor"); Dupre, 810 F.Supp. at 828 (a prompt trial is not without relevance to the convenience of parties and witnesses and the interest of justice"). For the reasons stated above, Defendant's Motion to Transfer is hereby DENIED. The parties are ORDERED to bear their own taxable costs and expenses incurred herein to date. The parties are also ORDERED to file nothing further on this issue in this Court, including motions to reconsider and the like. Instead, the parties are instructed to seek any further relief to which they feel themselves entitled in the United States Court of Appeals for the Fifth Circuit, as may be appropriate in due course. *3 IT IS SO ORDERED. DONE this 6th day of November, 1996, at Galveston, Texas. FN1. "The sun is 'rize, the sun is set, and we is still in Texas yet!" FN2. Defendant will again be pleased to know that regular limousine service is available from Hobby Airport, even to the steps of this humble courthouse, which has got lights, indoor plummin', 'lectric doors, and all sorts of new stuff, almost like them big courthouses back East. ---------------------------- Thanks to Phil Auerswald From owner-joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Fri Feb 21 07:58:55 1997 Date: Fri, 21 Feb 1997 07:58:55 -0600 (CST) To: joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Lucifer's Loafers Good idea department (fron yesterday's Austin American-Statesman): Reebok International Ltd. said Wednesday it was considering ways to backtrack after finding that its "Incubus" women's shoe, released about a year ago, shared its name with a mythical demon that preyed on sleeping women. Now the footwear company is having a devil of a time trying to correct its mistake. An incubus is an evil spirit that in medieval times was thought to descend upon women and have sex with them. A second definition is simply "nightmare." Company executives found out about the meaning of the shoe's name from reporters at ABC's Phoenix affiliate, Reebok spokeswoman Kate Burnham said. "I'm horrified, and the company is horrified," she said. "How the name got on the shoe and went forward I do not know. We are a company that has built its business on women's footwear, so to do anything that's denigrating to women is not what we're about." 53,000 Incubus shoes, with list price $57.99 have been shipped to U..S. retailers. Reebok is considering covering the label on the box (the name does not appear on the shoe) with a sticker, or simply blacking out the name with magic markers. --------------------------- Other thoughts: Millihelen (n.): The amount of beauty required to launch one ship. --------------------------- Judge: Do you want a bench trial or a jury trial? Plaintiff (accused of car theft): A jury trial. Judge: Do you understand the difference? Plaintiff: Yes, your honor. My case is decided by twelve ignorant people instead of one. --------------------------- Oregon (n.): Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go Saturday night. See also New Zealand (sixty million sheep with...) --------------------------- Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence. --------------------------- At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his thumb with a hammer. -- Marshall Lumsden --------------------------- "I want to die peacefully like my father did, not like his passengers who were screaming and yelling." --------------------------- It's hard to rope a steer, but easy to throw the bull. --------------------------- The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey. -Andy Warhol --------------------------- -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Tue Feb 25 12:40:04 1997 Date: Tue, 25 Feb 1997 11:43:51 -0600 (CST) To: joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Why bother? Word-processing has made it possible to right-justify any thought or idea, even those that can't be justified on any other grounds. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Everyone talks about apathy, but no one does anything about it. ----------------------------------------------------------------- There is a theory, which I heard from Arthur Robson, that all languages are actually English, but foreigners just speak poorly. I'm often reminded of this theory, especially travelling in Australia or England. This theory helps us interpret the following provided by Al Slivinski. Room Service: Morny. Rune-sore-bees. Hotel Guest: Oh, sorry. I thought I dialed Room Service. RS: Rye, rune-sore-bees. Morny. Djewish to odor sunteen? HG: Uh... yes. I'd like some bacon and eggs. RS: Ow July den? HG: What? RS: Aches. Ow July den? Pry, boy, pooch...? HG: Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry. Scrambled please. RS: Ow July dee baycome? Crease? HG: Crisp will be fine. RS: Hokay. An Santos? HG: What? RS: Santos. July Santos? HG: Ugh. I don't know... I don't think so. RS: No. Judo one toes? HG: Look, I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what "judo one toes" means. I'm sorry. RS: Toes! Toes! Why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow cenglish mopping why bother? HG: English muffin! I've got it! You were saying toast! Fine. An English muffin will be fine. RS: Why bother? HG: No. Just put the bother on the side. RS: Wad? HG: I'm sorry. I meant butter. Butter on the side. RS: Copy? HG: I feel terrible about this but... RS: Copy. Copy, tea, mill... HG: Coffee! Yes, coffee please. And that's all. RS: One Minnie. Ass rune torino fee, strangle aches, crease baycome, tossy cenglish mopping why bother honey sigh, and copy. Rye? HG: Whatever you say. RS: Hokay. Tendjewberrymud. HG: You're welcome. -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From mcafee@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Tue Feb 25 18:03:49 1997 Date: Tue, 25 Feb 1997 18:03:48 -0600 (CST) From: R Preston McAfee To: joke-archive@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Subject: Trick Question It is quite difficult to score genius on this test. Scoring 21 Correct - Genius 16-20 Correct - Above Normal 15 Correct - Normal 8-14 Correct - Nincompoop 6-7 Correct - Moron 0-5 Correct - Idiot 1. Do they have a 4th of July in England? 2. How many birthdays does the average man have? 3. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28? 4. A woman gives a beggar 50 cents; the woman is the beggar's sister, but the beggar is not the woman's brother. How come? 5. Why can't a man living in the USA be buried in Canada? 6. How many outs are there in an inning? 7. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister? Why? 8. Two men play five games of checkers. Each man wins the same number of games. There are no ties. Explain this. 9. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer? 10. A man builds a house rectangular in shape. All sides have southern exposure. A big bear walks by, what color is the bear? Why? 11. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have? 12. I have two US coins totaling 55 cents. One is not a nickel. What are the coins? 13. If you have only one match and you walked into a room where there was an oil burner, a kerosene lamp, and a wood burning stove, which one would you light first? 14. How far can a dog run into the woods? 15. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half hour. How long would the pills last? 16. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left? 17. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark? 18. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5' 10'' tall. What does he weigh? 19. How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen? 20. What was the President's name in 1970? Answers 1. Yes 2. One 3. All of them (12) 4. The beggar is her sister. 5. He can't be buried if he isn't dead. 6. 6 7. No - because he is dead. 8. They aren't playing each other. 9. 70 10. White. The house is at the North Pole so it is a polar bear. 11. 2 12. 50 cent piece and a nickel. (The other one is a nickel) 13. The match. 14. Half way. Then he is running out of the woods. 15. 1 Hour 16. 9 17. None - Noah took them on the ark. 18. Meat 19. 12 20. Same as it is now. From mcafee@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Thu Feb 27 11:20:34 1997 Date: Thu, 27 Feb 1997 11:20:33 -0600 (CST) From: R Preston McAfee To: joke-archive@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Subject: Guessing Game The following stuff can be found on the walls of the of the Program Executive Office for ASW, Air Assault and Special Missions (read "President's") Helicopters: "One of the serious problems in planning against American Doctrine is that the Americans do not read their manuals. Nor do they feel any obligations to follow their doctrine." --- From a Russian Document "The reason that the American Navy does so well in wartime is that war is chaos, and the American Navy practices chaos on a daily basis." --A German general officer ---------------------------------- Thanks to John Chilton From mcafee@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Fri Feb 28 08:44:05 1997 Date: Fri, 28 Feb 1997 08:44:04 -0600 (CST) From: R Preston McAfee To: joke-archive@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Subject: Hmm 1. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? 2. Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure? 3. Is there another word for synonym? 4. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?" 5. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs? 6. When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away? 7. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"? 8. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? 9. Why do they report power outages on TV? 10. What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant? 11. Is it possible to be totally partial? 12. What's another word for thesaurus? 13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? 14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk? 15. Why do they lock gas stations bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? 16. Why do people who know the least know it the loudest? 17. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off? 18. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? 19. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? 20. When it rains, why don't sheep shrink? 21. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? 22. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to become vocal? 23. Why is the word abbreviation so long? 24. When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in? Thanks to April Marie Franco From mcafee@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Tue Mar 4 15:55:05 1997 Date: Tue, 4 Mar 1997 15:55:03 -0600 (CST) From: R Preston McAfee Reply-To: R Preston McAfee To: joke-archive@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Subject: Developing dependencies Frightening Similarities --------------------------- --------------------------- Drug Dealers Software Developers --------------------------- --------------------------- Refer to their clients Refer to their clients as "users". as "users". The first one's free!" "Download a free trial version..." Have important South-East Have important South-East Asian connections Asian connections (to help move the stuff). (to help debug the code). Strange jargon: Strange jargon: "Stick", "Rock", "SCSI", "RTFM", "Dime bag", "E". "Java", "ISDN". Realize that there's Realize that there's tons of cash in the tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old 14- to 25-year-old market. market. Job is assisted by the Job is assisted by industry's producing industry's producing newer, more potent mixes. newer, faster machines. Often seen in the company Often seen in the company of of pimps and hustlers. marketing people and venture capitalists. Their product causes DOOM. Quake. SimCity. Duke Nukem 3D. unhealthy addictions. 'Nuff said. Do your job well, and Damn! Damn! DAMN!!! you can sleep with sexy movie stars who depend on you. ------------------------ Thanks to Dale O. Stahl. From owner-joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Mon Mar 10 18:11:28 1997 Date: Mon, 10 Mar 1997 18:11:28 -0600 (CST) To: joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Job Security These are summaries of actual employment lawsuits from the Employment Law Strategist, May 1996. Did an employer properly discharge an off-duty employee who, under the influence of alcohol and drugs, and while suffering from a mental illness, came to the plant, pointed a loaded gun at a fellow employee and pulled the trigger, though the gun did not fire? Remarkably, the arbitrator ruled that the employee had been wrongfully discharged and ordered him reinstated. The arbitrator reasoned that, while the union contract provided for discipline or discharge for disorderly conduct and for bringing firearms onto company property, that provision was overridden by the company's contractual commitment to an employee assistance program for alcohol, drug and mental problems. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- After adverse publicity, a bus driver for a Texas transit company was discharged as a public safety risk after he pleaded guilty to the misdemeanor of causing injury to a child, which occurred outside the scope of his employment. He had also been arrested in a previous incident in which he had pleaded guilty to a felony robbery charge for driving the getaway vehicle for a fellow employee who was robbing a bank. A labor arbitrator ordered the employee reinstated with full back pay and benefits. The arbitrator noted that the driver had a good employment record and that his involvement in the bank robbery was simply a favor for a friend. Regarding the current case, he noted that the employee had whacked his daughter on the legs because she had dropped a younger child on the child's head. In support of his decision, the arbitrator note that one employee who had deliberately run over a woman with a company vehicle and another employee who had sexually assaulted his daughter were merely transferred to non-driving positions. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- It was a tradition at a manufacturing plant for an employee to dress up as a rooster, sneak up behind tardy workers and surprise them with a flap of feathers and a loud "Cock-a-doodle-do." Funny? Not to everyone. An assembly line worker who showed up late for his 6 a.m. shift responded to the crowing by jumping on top of the rooster and choking it. The worker was suspended for three months for violating a plant rule prohibiting fighting. In granting the tardy worker's claim for unemployment benefits, a state court judge in Virginia ruled that the rooster's buffoonery amounted to a provocation sanctioned by the employer. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Last year, after a two-day trial, a federal court jury in Missouri returned a verdict in favor of a female store employee on her sexual harassment and constructive discharge claims. It awarded her $35,000 in compensatory damages and $50 million in punitive damages. In post-trial motions, the defendant argued that the punitives were grossly excessive and unconstitutional. In response, the district court reduced them to $5 million, and offered an explanation for the disparity in compensatory and punitive damages: "More than likely, the disparity rose from the aggravating behavior of defense counsel at trial. For example, while cross-examining the plaintiff, counsel approached, waved 'the finger' in her face, and rudely shouted, 'F--- you.'" Maybe the jury concluded that the sexual harassment that started in the workplace had continued in the courtroom. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Los Angeles officials ordered a strip club to remove a shower in which dancers bathed while an audience watched. The city ruled that because the shower was inaccessible to strippers who might use wheelchairs, it violated the Americans with Disabilities Act. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thanks to Kristin Famulari for bringing the frontiers of employment law to our attention. -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Tue Mar 11 10:19:58 1997 Date: Tue, 11 Mar 1997 10:19:58 -0600 (CST) To: joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Bowled Over Man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, it's so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. "Where the hell have you been?!?!" "Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her." "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn liar!!! You went bowling again!!!" ---------------------- Thanks to Al Slivinski -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Wed Mar 12 18:21:25 1997 Date: Wed, 12 Mar 1997 18:21:25 -0600 (CST) To: joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Undue Perversity It is worth checking out the homepage that documents this story, at //ghg.ecn.purdue.edu/ I wish this had been going on when I was a grad student at Purdue. Thanks to Luke Froeb for bringing it to my attention. THE 3 SECOND BARRIER Our subject today is lighting charcoal grills. One of our favorite charcoal grill lighters is a guy named George Goble, a computer person in the Purdue University engineering department. Each year, Goble and a bunch of other engineers hold a picnic in West Lafayette, Indiana, at which they cook hamburgers on a big grill. Being engineers, they began looking for practical ways to speed up the charcoal-lighting process. "We started by blowing the charcoal with a hair dryer," Goble told me in a telephone interview. "Then we figured out that it would light faster if we used a vacuum cleaner." If you know anything about (1) engineers and (2) guys in general, you know what happened: The purpose of the charcoal-lighting shifted from cooking hamburgers to seeing how fast they could light the charcoal. From the vacuum cleaner, they escalated to using a propane torch, then an acetylene torch. Then Goble started using compressed pure oxygen, which caused the charcoal to burn much faster, because as you recall from chemistry class, fire is essentially the rapid combination of oxygen with a reducing agent (the charcoal). We discovered that a long time ago, somewhere in the valley between the Tigris and Euphrates rivers (or something along those lines). By this point, Goble was getting pretty good times. But in the world of competitive charcoal-lighting, "pretty good" does not cut the mustard. Thus, Goble hit upon the idea of using --- get ready --- liquid oxygen. This is the form of oxygen used in rocket engines; it's 295 degrees below zero and 600 times as dense as regular oxygen. In terms of releasing energy, pouring liquid oxygen on charcoal is the equivalent of throwing a live squirrel into a room containing 50 million Labrador retrievers. On Gobel's World Wide Web page (the address is //ghg.ecn.purdue.edu/), you can see actual photographs and a video of Goble using a bucket attached to a 10-foot-long wooden handle to dump 3 gallons of liquid oxygen (not sold in stores) onto a grill containing 60 pounds of charcoal and a lit cigarette for ignition. What follows is the most impressive charcoal-lighting I have ever seen, featuring a large fireball that according to Goble, reached 10,000 degrees Fahrenheit. The charcoal was ready for cooking in --- this has to be a world record --- 3 seconds. There's also a photo of what happened when Goble used the same technique on a flimsy $2.88 discount-store grill. All that's left is a circle of charcoal with a few shreds of metal in it. "Basically, the grill vaporized," said Goble. "We were thinking of returning it to the store for a refund." Looking at Goble's video and photos, I became, as an American, all choked up with gratitude at the fact that I do not live anywhere near the engineers' picnic site. But also, I was proud of my country for producing guys who can be ready to barbecue in less time than it take for guys in less-advanced nations, such as France, to spit. Will the 3-second barrier ever be broken? Will engineers come up with a new, more powerful charcoal-lighting technology? It's something or all of us to ponder this summer as we sit outside, chewing our hamburgers, every now and then glancing in the direction of West Lafayette, Indiana, looking for a mushroom cloud. -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From mcafee@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Mon Mar 17 10:28:05 1997 Date: Mon, 17 Mar 1997 10:28:04 -0600 (CST) From: R Preston McAfee To: joke-archive@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Subject: A Skier's Dictionary A Skier's Dictionary ==================== Condensed from "Skiing: A Skier's Dictionary" by Henry Bread and Roy McKie Alp: One of a number of ski mountains in Europe. Also a shouted request for assistance made by a European. Avalanche: One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly frighten timid individuals away from the sport. See also: Blizzard, First Aid, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse. Bindings: Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from serious injury during a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the skis skittering across the slope where they trip two other skiers. Bones: There are 206 in the human body. No need for dismay, however; the two bones of the middle ear have never been broken while skiing. Cross-Country Skiing: Traditional Scandinavian all-terrain technique. It's good exercise, doesn't require purchase of costly lift tickets. It has no crowds or lines. See also Cross-Country Something-Or-Other. Cross-Country Something-or-Other: Touring on skis along trails in scenic wilderness, gliding through snow-hushed woods far from the hubbub of the ski slopes, hearing nothing but the whispery hiss of the skis slipping through snow and the muffled screams of other skiers dropping into the puffy powder of a deep, wind-sculpted drift. Exercises: A few simple warm-ups to make sure you're prepared for the slopes: 1) Tie a cinder block to each foot and climb a flight of stairs. 2) Sit on the outside of a fourth-story window ledge with your skis on and your poles in your lap for at least 30 minutes. 3) Bind your legs together at the ankles, lie flat on the floor; then, holding a banana in each hand, get to your feet. Gloves: Designed to be tight around the wrist to restrict circulation, but not so closefitting as to allow any manual dexterity; they should also admit moisture from the outside without permitting any dampness within to escape. Gravity: One of four fundamental forces in nature that affect skiers.. The other three are the strong force, which makes bindings jam; the weak force, which makes ankles give way on turns; and electromagnetism, which produces dead batteries in expensive ski-resort parking lots. See Inertia. Inertia: Tendency of a skier's body to resist changes in direction or speed due to the action of Newton's First Law of Motion. Goes along with these other physical laws: 1) Two objects of different mass falling side by side will have the same rate of descent, but the lighter one will have larger hospital and home care bills. 2) Matter can neither be created nor destroyed, but if it drops out of a parka pocket, don't expect to encounter it again in our universe. 3) When an irresistible force meets an immovable object (see "Tree") Prejump: Maneuver in which an expert skier makes a controlled jump just ahead of a bump. Beginners can execute a controlled pre-fall just before losing their balance and, if they wish, may precede it with either a pre-scream and a few pre-groans or simple profanity. Shin: The bruised area on the front of the leg that runs from the point where the ache from the wrenched knee ends to where the soreness from the strained ankle begins. Ski!: A shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming down the hill. Another warning skiers should be familiar with is "Avalanche!" (which tells everyone that a hill is coming down the hill). Skier: One who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to break them. Stance: Your knees should be flexed, but shaking slightly; your arms straight and covered with a good layer of goose flesh; your hands forward, palms clammy, knuckles white and fingers icy, your eyes a little crossed and darting in all directions. Your lips should be quivering, and you should be mumbling, "Am I nuts or what?" Thor: The Scandinavian god of acheth and painth. Traverse: To ski across a slope at an angle; one of two quick and simple methods of reducing speed. Tree: The other method. ---------------------- Thanks to Al Slivinski From mcafee@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Tue Mar 25 15:30:57 1997 Date: Tue, 25 Mar 1997 15:30:56 -0600 (CST) From: R Preston McAfee To: joke-archive@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Subject: Bar Wars An Irishman driving down the road got pulled over by a policeman. "You're drunk," the cop said. "Thank the good Lord for that," the Irishman replied. "I thought the steering had gone." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be, buddy?" The man says, "Set me up with five whiskey shots, and make 'em doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next and so on until all five are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking. "You'd drink 'em this fast, too, if you had what I have." The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have, pal?" The man replies quickly, "I have a dollar." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man with no arms walked into a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender shoved the foaming glass in front of him. "Look," said the customer, "I have no arms - would you please hold the glass up to my mouth?" "Sure," said the bartender, and he did. "Now," said the customer, "I wonder if you'd be so kind as to get my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth." "Certainly." And it was done. "If," said the armless man, "you'd reach into my right hand pants pocket, you'll find the money for the beer." The bartender got it. "You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more. Where is the men's room?" "Out the door," said the bartender, "turn left, walk two blocks and there's a filling station on the corner." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- An Englishman, an Aussie and a Scotsman are sitting in a pub, quaffing a few nut-brown ales. While they're sitting around blankly staring at their mugs, three flies buzz down from the ceiling and lazily circle each drinker. Suddenly, "bussssplooop," each fly does a kamakazi dive into a different glass. The Englishman gives a disgusted look at his pint, dips the fly out with a spoon, flicks it over his shoulder and drains the glass. The Aussie notices the fly as he puts the glass to his lips. With a quick puff, he blows the bug out in a cloud of foam, and tosses the beer down in one gulp. They both look on amazed as the Scotsman carefully grasps the fly by its wings, gently lifts it and shakes it off. Then he says to the fly in a quiet voice, "There y'are now, laddie, SPIT IT OOOT!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Arthur was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a Nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drinking. "You should be ashamed of yourself, young man! Drinking is a sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!" Now Arthur gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive. "How do you know, Sister?" "My Mother Superior told me so." "But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?" "Don't be ridiculous, of course I have never taken alcohol myself." "Then let me buy you a drink. If you still believe afterwards that it is evil, I will give up drinking for life." "How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?" "I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will know." The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Arthur goes inside to the bar. "Another pint to me, and a triple vodka on the rocks," then he lowers his voice and says to the barman, "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?" "Oh, no! It's not that bloody Nun again, is it?" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- A rabbi, a priest, and a bishop walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 he's willing to bet anyone who says he can't. The bartender takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks "what's the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside". The dog answers "ROOF". The bartender says "who are you kidding, I'm not paying". The dogs owner says, "How about double or nothing and I'll ask him something else". The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks "who was the greatest ballplayer of all time". The dog answers "Roof". With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door. As they bounce on the sidewalk the dog looks at his owner and says "DiMaggio?". ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- A grasshopper hops into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says "You know, we have a drink named after you here." The grasshopper looks puzzled, and replies "You have a drink named Fred?" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thanks to Chantale LaCasse From owner-joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Wed Apr 30 21:43:18 1997 Date: Wed, 30 Apr 1997 21:43:18 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Compound Interest It seems that more and more neighborhoods house paramilitary survivalists armed with sufficient firepower to defeat the Canadian army in six hours, religious zealots in large compounds with enough automatic weapons to satisfy Miami's demand for a couple of months, and people who think Bill Clinton really didn't inhale. On the outskirts of Austin, there is a large sign for the Church of Divine Love, an organization that feels compelled to surround itself with a lot of barbed wire. Perhaps this is to keep the deer out. My own neighborhood is going through some interesting changes. (Here I am using the term `interesting' in the sense found in the Chinese curse: "May you live in interesting times.") One of my neighbors has embarked on a building program to rival the Romans: he is building his fourth house on his single lot, which is possible thanks to the Libertarian zoning commission. Large packs of snarling mangy curs roam my neighborhood, eating cats, small children and my newspaper. One neighbor, a man with arms like tree trunks festered with tattoos, owns several of these mastiffs, including the most aggressive of them. Are the dogs part of a plan to police the neighborhood perimeter after it is seized by the disenfranchised? Outlandishly, the leader of the pack, the alpha dog, hops on only three legs. I've gone to war with this roving pack of weird dogs, dogs that look like the kind of misshapen, lop-sided, erratically colored dogs one would find fifty years after a major nuclear war. I should say that they attacked me first, several times chasing me into the house. My first salvo in response was a supersoaker filled with water, which frightened them; it is rather apparent that bathing was outside their experience. But these canine marauders are not entirely stupid, and soon figured out that water, for all its odious qualities, is harmless. Next I tried vinegar, and that did keep the surly dogs at bay for a longer time, but eventually vinegar no longer worked. My next move in the dog war was to throw rocks at them. I have a large number of small white rocks, as part of my landscaping in the front yard. Rocks did a pretty good job, driving the pack, which can number as high as 15, away. I have also filled a supersoaker with ammonia, and am prepared to incapacitate these curs if they follow me into the garage again. But are the owners, with their tattoos and body-piercings, of these nasty, antisocial canines going to take me hostage when they secede from the United States, and feed me to their best friends? In these troubled times, it behooves us to keep an eye on our neighbors, and be prepared for a long siege by the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, to sell our homes before the neighbors poison themselves, or to be ready to loan your neighbor a pamphlet on making bombs. It seems important to know the indications that your neighborhood is about to be described as a compound on CNN. 1. High school replaces bake sale with ammo sale to raise money for its varsity militia. 2. You occasionally find a man in the kitchen tied to a chair. 3. Local Walmart devotes entire aisle to barbed wire. 4. More and more neighbors drive humvees. 5. Girl Scouts sell C-4 Plastique (plastic explosive) and fuses instead of cookies. 6. Decathlon at local school includes grenade throw. 7. Next door neighbor extends his tunnel every night. 8. Incessant calls from Soldier of Fortune for interviews. 9. Grocery store can't keep canned corned beef hash in stock. 10. Local Boy Scouts earn merit badges for laying tripwires, garroting, and placing landmines. 11. Mailman delivers free samples from Smith and Wesson most weeks. 12. Neighborhood watch program involves nightscopes and high-powered rifles. 13. Local summer camp, Camp Redwood, changes name to Camp Red Brigade. 14. All of your neighbors have the same first name. 15. Department store sheets come with eyeholes cut out. 16. Neighborhood ice cream truck replaces bell with a klaxon, and only offers freeze-dried ice cream. -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://www.eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Thu May 1 06:47:45 1997 Date: Thu, 1 May 1997 06:47:45 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Effective Incentives A ten year old public school boy was finding fifth grade math to be the challenge of his life. Science? A piece of cake. Geography? No big deal. Spelling? Ha! Give me a break...but MATH? It was devastating! To not only him, but his mom and dad, too! And not that they weren't doing everything and anything to help their son...Private tutors, peer assistance, CD-Roms, Textbooks, even HYPNOSIS! Nothing worked. Finally, at the suggestion of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private school. Not just ANY private school, but a Catholic school. Nuns smacking you on the fingers with a ruler. Weekly mass. The whole shootin' match. Well, the first day of school finally arrived, and dressed in his salt-and-pepper cords and white wool dress shirt and blue cardigan sweater, the youngster ventured out into the great unknown. His mother and father hoped they were doing the right thing. They were both there waiting for their son when he returned home. He walked in with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face. He walked right past them and went straight to his room - and quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He only emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, he went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern continued every evening until it was time for the first quarter report card. No TV. No sports on the weekend. Just study, study, study. After school, the boy walked into the home with his report card, unopened, in his hand. Without a word, he dropped the envelope on the family dinner table and went straight to his room. His parents were petrified. What lay inside the envelope? Success? Failure? DOOM?!? Fearfully, the mother opened the letter, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A" under the subject, MATH. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at the remarkable progress of their young son! "Was it the nuns that made the difference?", the father asked. The boy only shook his head and said, "No." "Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?", asked the mother. Again, the boy shrugged, "No." "The textbooks? The teacher? The curriculum?", asked the father. "Nope," said the son. "It was all very clear to me from the very first day of Catholic school." "How so?", asked his mom. "When I walked into the lobby, and I saw that guy they'd nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business!" ---------------------------------- Thanks to Lindsay Thomason -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://www.eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From mcafee@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Tue Jun 3 06:26:01 1997 Date: Tue, 3 Jun 1997 06:25:57 -0500 (CDT) From: R Preston McAfee To: joke-archive@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Subject: Star Pants From Curt Taylor, we have lines from Star Wars that can be improved if you substitute the word "Pants" for key words: -We've got to be able to get some reading on those pants, up or down. -The pants may not look like much, kid, but they've got it where it counts. -I find your lack of pants disturbing. -These pants contain the ultimate power in the Universe. I suggest we use it. -Han will have those pants down. We've got to give him more time! -General Veers, prepare your pants for a ground assault. -I used to bulls-eye womp-rats in my pants back home. -TK-421. . . Why aren't you in your pants? -Lock the door. And hope they don't have pants. -You are unwise to lower your pants. -She must have hidden the plans in her pants. Send a detachment down to retrieve them. See to it personally Commander. -Governor Tarkin. I recognized your foul pants when I was brought on board. -You look strong enough to pull the pants of a Gundark. -Luke. . . Help me remove these pants. -Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your pants. -That blast came from those pants. That thing's operational! -A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt this was in the presence of my old master. -Don't worry. Chewie and I have gotten into pants a lot more heavily guarded than this. -Maybe you'd like it back in your pants, your highness. -Your pants betray you. Your feelings for them are strong. Especially one... Your sister! -Jabba doesn't have time for smugglers who drop their pants at the first sign of an Imperial Cruiser. -Short pants are better than no pants at all. From mcafee@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Tue Jun 3 06:59:55 1997 Date: Tue, 3 Jun 1997 06:59:52 -0500 (CDT) From: R Preston McAfee To: joke-archive@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Subject: Lucky in Love One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes." The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks to himself, "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life." Well, a year goes by and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing. The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?" "It's great! I hit under par every time." "I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?" The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill." "I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?" The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week." The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Only once or twice a week?" "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish." --------------------------------------------------------------- A middle aged man and woman meet, fall in love, and decide to get married. On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride says to her new groom, "Please promise to be gentle... I'm still a virgin." The startled groom says "How can that be? You've been married 3 times before." The bride responds: "Well you see it was this way. My first husband was a psychiatrist and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist and all he ever wanted to do was look at it." "And my third husband was a stamp collector and all he ever wanted to do was.......God I miss him!" From owner-joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Thu Aug 7 08:31:10 1997 Date: Thu, 7 Aug 1997 08:31:10 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Information Dissemination People keep asking me if the joke network has been disabled. It hasn't; it has just been months since I heard a joke that made me laugh outloud (the usual, but not invariant, standard). Here's one, courtesy of Al Slivinski. A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren. Last night I made love to two 18 year old girls. Twice, in fact." The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?" "Never Father, I'm Jewish." "So then, why are you telling me?" "I'm telling everybody." -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://www.eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From mcafee@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Mon Aug 18 12:57:49 1997 Date: Mon, 18 Aug 1997 12:57:46 -0500 (CDT) From: R Preston McAfee To: joke-archive@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Subject: Opera Summaries Wagner's "Ring" cycle. Loveless dwarf steals aquatic sisters' gold. Trouble ensues. Mozart's "Don Giovanni." Debonair Spaniard nails thousands of babes, gets stoned, goes to hell. Strauss' "Salome." Nazarene cult leader loses head over kinky teenage stripper. Bizet's "Carmen." Sexy cigarette factory worker finds loving both a corporal and a toreador a load of bull. Verdi's "Aida." Ethiopian princess disguised as slave gets caught in pyramid scheme. Puccini's "Tosca." Famous opera singer kills sadistic police chief, leaps to a conclusion. Verdi's "Otello." Desdemona decides the Moor the merrier. Jealous hubby smothers her with attention. Verdi's "Rigoletto." Hunchbacked jester plots to off daughter's boyfriend, winds up holding the bag. Wagner's "Tristan und Isolde." Knight and princess betrothed to someone else drink powerful potion, fall madly in love and sing about it until the cows come home and die. Beethoven's "Fidelio." Cross-dressing wife rescues incarcerated husband, strikes blow for prison reform and empowered women. Puccini's "Madama Butterfly." Japanese child bride is seduced and abandoned by fickle American naval officer. He gets the point. So does she. Strauss' "Der Rosenkavalier." Married princess fools around with young count who's sung by a woman dressed as a man who later dresses up as a woman. Puccini's "La Boheme." Sickly seamstress gets involved with a bunch of Parisian lowlifes, sings and coughs a lot, dies. Verdi's "La Traviata." High-living party girl gives up boyfriend at request of his old man, sings and coughs a lot, dies. From owner-joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Wed Aug 20 12:00:39 1997 Date: Wed, 20 Aug 1997 12:00:39 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: How to Sing the Blues HOW TO SING THE BLUES 1. Most blues begin "woke up this morning." 2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line. I got a good woman, with the meanest dog in town. 3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of. Got a good woman with the meanest dog in town. He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and he weighs 500 pounds. 4. The blues are not about limitless choice, convertible debentures, golden parachutes, BMWs, opera, or environmental impact statements. 5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die. 6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis. 7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression. Chicago, St. Louis, Austin and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues. 8. The following colors do not belong in the blues: a. violet b. beige c. mauve d. taupe 9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall, the lighting is wrong. 10. Good places for the Blues: a. the highway b. the jailhouse c. an empty bed Bad places: a. Ashrams b. Gallery openings c. weekend in the Hamptons d. Trump plaza 11. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man. 12. Do you have the right to sing the blues? Yes, if: a. your first name is a southern state -- like Georgia b. you're blind c. you shot a man in Memphis (see exception below) d. your woman can't be satisfied. No, if: a. you were once blind but now can see. b. you have a trust fund. c. you hold elected office 13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues. 14. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues. Other blues beverages are: a. cheap wine b. Irish whiskey c. muddy water Blues beverages are NOT: a. Any mixed drink b. Any wine kosher for Passover c. Yoo Hoo (all flavors) 15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency room. It is not a blues death if you die during a liposuction treatment. 16. Some Blues names for Women a. Sadie b. Big Mama c. Bessie 17A. Some Blues Names for Men a. Joe b. Willie c. Little Willie d. Lightning Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis. 17B. Other Blues Names (Starter Kit) a. Name of Physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic) b. First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi) c. Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) For example, Blind Lemon Jefferson, Anorexic Willie, or Cripple Cherimoya. ------------------------------- Attributed to Memphis Earlene Gray with help from Uncle Plunky, by way of Al Slivinski. -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://www.eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Mon Sep 15 20:07:41 1997 Date: Mon, 15 Sep 1997 20:07:41 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Welfare Reform From the Elko Daily Free Press of July 25 1997, extracts from letters received by the welfare departments of the State of Nevada. "I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born 2 years old. When do I get my money?" "I am very much annoyed to find you have branded my son illeterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born." "I want my money as quick as I can get it. I've been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor." --------------------------------- Thanks to Jacques Cremer, who evidently has unusual summer reading. Those with time to spare, an ethernet connection or at least a 56K modem, and 2 Mb of cache, check out my homepage at http://www.eco.utexas.edu/faculty/McAfee/ You'll probably find just about what you'd have anticipated. -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://www.eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Mon Sep 15 20:13:39 1997 Date: Mon, 15 Sep 1997 20:13:39 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Personal Best From the "Just Say No" files: Excerpted from the book "A Collection of Personal Ads From Alternative Newspapers," by Skippy Williams and Zohre Crumpton, 1996, Simon and Schuster, and provided to me by Al Slivinski: Bitter, unsuccessful middle aged loser wallowing in an unending sea of inert, drooping loneliness looking for 24 year old needy leech-like hanger-on to abuse with dull stories, tired sex and Herb Alpert albums. Me--trying to sleep on the bus station bench, pleading with you to give me a cigarette; you--choking on my odor, tripping over your purse trying to get away; at the last moment, our eyes meeting. Yours were blue. Can I have a dollar? Imp and angel. Disembodied head in jar, 24, seeks pixie goddess to fiddle with while Rome burns. You bring marshmallows. No. I make joke. You like laugh? I like comebacks and confessions. Send photo of someone else. I am spitting kitty. Ftt Fttttttt. I am angry bear.. Grrrrr. I am large watermelon seed stuck in your nose. Zermmmmmmmmmm. I am small biting spider in your underwear. Yub yub yub. No mimes. Three toed mango peeler searching for wicked lesbian infielder. Like screaming and marking territory with urine? Let's make banana enchiladas together in my bathtub. You bring the salsa. Mongoloid spastic underwear model with extra limb (you guess where?) in search of bottlenosed dolphin and extra prickly cactus juice. Soup is good food. I like eating mayonnaise and peanut butter sandwiches in the rain, watching Barney Miller reruns, peeing on birds in the park and licking strangers on the subway; you eat beets raw, have climbed Kilimanjaro, and sweat freely and often. Must wear size five shoes. Timber! Falling downward is the lumber of my love. You grind your axe of passion into my endangered headlands. Don't make me into a bureau. I want to be lots and lots of toothpicks. Small lumpy squid monkey seeks healthy woman with no identifying scars, any age. Must have all limbs. Recommend appreciation of high-pitched, screeching noises. Must like being bored and lonely. Must not touch the squids, EVER. There is a little place in the jumbled sock drawer of my heart where you match up all the pairs, throw out the ones with holes in them, and buy me some of those neat dressy ones with the weird black and red geometrical designs on them. Mmmm Pez! Rabid Wonder Woman fan looking for someone in satin tights, fighting for our rights and the old red, white 'n blue. You look like Linda Carter? Big plus. Know all words to theme song? Marry me. Sanctimonious mordacious raconteur seeking same for hijinks and hiballs. SJM 27 wants to look someone in the eye so don't be tall. Or, if you can't help it, enjoy laying down. Wanna swim upstream? Angry, simple-minded, balding, partially blind ex-circus flipper boy with a passion for covering lovers in sour cream and gravy seeks exotic, heavily tattooed piercing fanatic, preferably hairy, either sex, for whippings, bizarre sex and fashion consulting. No freaks. -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://www.eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Wed Sep 17 20:30:41 1997 Date: Wed, 17 Sep 1997 20:30:41 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Better off The Darwin awards are an internet phenomenon, supposedly given to the person who dies from the most idiotic self-inflicted means. I searched in vain for any corroboration to last year's award winner (described briefly below). I saw a couple of the stories below in newspapers, but others I find implausible and the entire lot may be a crock. (#15 is credited to a 1992 British Sunday Express story by some accounts.) By the way, there is a website devoted to the darwin awards and claiming to be the official site (note their name) but doesn't seem to have any voting. http://www.officialdarwinawards.com/index.html Use the categories; clicking on the individual stories on the index didn't work. This website also claims the JATO story is a myth. So for what its worth, which is pretty much nothing, here are some grisly stories of human stupidity. Steve Williamson passed this on. --------------------------------------------- It is once again time to vote for the Darwin Award nominees for 1997. As you know these nominees will not be contributing to the gene pool (thankfully). You may recall last year's Darwin Award winner: The man who found out moments before making a 300 MPH dent in an Arizona cliff that the JATO (jet assist take off) unit he'd strapped to his car could not be turned off once it was turned on. 1995's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it. The 1997 nominees are: NOMINEE #1 [San Jose Mercury News] An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut. NOMINEE #2 [Kalamazoo Gazette] James Burns, 34, of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police described as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft." NOMINEE #3 [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario] Man slips, falls 23 stories to his death. A man cleaning a bird feeder on his balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death, police said Monday. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair Sunday when the accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel regional police. "It appears the chair moved and he went over the balcony," Honer said. "It's one of those freak accidents. No foul play is suspected." NOMINEE #4 [Hickory Daily Record] Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N.C., when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson .38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear. NOMINEE #5 [UPI, Toronto] Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lauwers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association. NOMINEE #6 [AP, Cairo, Egypt] Six people drowned Monday while trying to rescue a chicken that had fallen into a well in southern Egypt. An 18-year-old farmer was the first to descend into the 60-foot well. He drowned, apparently after an undercurrent in the water pulled him down, police said. His sister and two brothers, none of whom could swim well, went in one by one to help him, but also drowned. Two elderly farmers then came to help, but they apparently were pulled by the same undercurrent. The bodies of the six were later pulled out of the well in the village of Nazlat Imara, 240 miles south of Cairo. The chicken was also pulled out. It survived. NOMINEE #7 [Bloomburg News Service, 25 March] A terrible diet and a room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing from the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near airtight bedroom. He was "...a big man with a huge capacity for creating [this deadly] gas." Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized. NOMINEE #9 [San Jose Mercury News] A 24-year-old salesman from Hialeah, Fla., was killed near Lantana, Fla., in March when his car smashed into a pole in the median strip of Interstate 95 in the middle of the afternoon. Police said that the man was traveling at 80 MPH and, judging by the sales manual that was found open and clutched to his chest, had been busy reading. NOMINEE #10 [The News of the weird.] JOINT NOMINEE Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously in 1989. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. In March 1989, sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted. On Jan. 1, 1997, Laurence Baker, also a convicted murderer once on death row, but later serving a life sentence at the state prison in Pittsburgh, Pa., was electrocuted by his homemade earphones as he watched his small TV while sitting on his metal toilet. NOMINEE #11["The Indianapolis Star"]. Cigarette lighter may have triggered fatal explosion Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzleloader was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 p.m. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a .54-caliber muzzleloader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited. NOMINEE #12 [AP, Mammoth Lakes] A San Anselmo man died yesterday when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad, authorities said. Matthew David Hubal, 22, was pronounced dead at Centinela Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's Department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from the lift towers, said Lieutenant Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit the towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It was not clear if the tower he hit was one with its pad removed. "With the cold temperatures, the snow was probably pretty fast," said Donnelly. NOMINEE #13 [Reuters, Warsaw, Poland] A poacher electrocuting fish in a lake in central Poland fell into the water and suffered the same fate as his quarry, police said Thursday. The 24-year-old man was one of four who went fishing with a cable, one end of which they attached to a net and the other to a high-voltage electricity supply line, the PAP news agency quoted a police official in Wloclawek as saying. "For a while everything went according to the poachers' plan and they had fish in their bags. But at a certain moment the man holding the net tripped and fell into the water," the agency said. The other poachers tried in vain to revive him, it said. NOMINEE #14 [AP, St. Louis] Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police found him unconscious in front of the store: paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death. NOMINEE 15 [Unknown] To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock-and was killed instantly when it fell on him. NOMINEE 16 [Associated Press, Kincaid, W. VA] Blasting Cap Explodes in Man's Mouth at Party. A man at a party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth and tongue, state police said Wednesday. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium, hooked to a battery, and was trying to explode it." Payne said. "It wouldn't go off and this guy said, "I'll show you how to set it off." I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that," Payne said. AND FINALLY, NOMINEE #17 In December near Mineral Wells, Tex., three men who were attempting to steal copper wire off live electrical lines for resale were electrocuted. Copper wiring is a valuable scrap metal in Texas but is usually stolen from electric cables that are not being used. Here are some people that may be future nominees/winners, but still haven't made it to the "Big Leagues" [UPI, Portland, OR] Doctors at Portland's University Hospital said Wednesday an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive, and will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous, in Grants Pass, Ore. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Roberts' right eye. Doctors said had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have cut and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Dr. Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain, with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said had Robert tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this." No charges have been filed but theJosephine County district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation. [Arkansas Democrat Gazette, July 25, 1996] Two Local Men Injured in Freak Truck Accident, Cotton Patch, Ark. Two local men were seriously injured when their pick-up truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday morning. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center. The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog gigging trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pick-up truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded on east-bound toward the White River bridge. After traveling approximately twenty miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to the right exiting the pavement and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his nuts off or we might both be dead" stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper for ten years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened", said Snyder. -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://www.eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu Fri Oct 3 11:17:51 1997 Date: Fri, 3 Oct 1997 11:17:51 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@mundo.eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Silver lining "Good Things About Rooming With the President's Daughter" 10. Bitchin' motorcade from history class to language lab 9. She shows up with beer coasters hand-knit by Betsy Ross 8. Your summer job next year: Ambassador to Belgium 7. Secret Service guys always available to buy you beer 6. Her care packages always include a tray of dad's "special" brownies 5. Futures market investment tips from her Mom work well 4. Secret Service makes Ted Kennedy put his pants back on 3. When ordering from Domino's, you can take advantage of the President's volume discount 2. If you receive poor mark on test, you can have professor slapped around by Janet Reno 1. Somehow, you're not so embarrassed about your own father -------------------------------------- Thanks to Luke Froeb -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://www.eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Thu Nov 13 13:27:53 1997 Date: Thu, 13 Nov 1997 13:27:53 -0600 (CST) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Good Thinking People keep asking me whether I've lost my sense of humor or the joke network has died. Well, now that I'm department chair, I have to reserve my sense of humor to the tantrums and machinations of my colleagues, and there is little left over for the internet. But here are two, the first from Lynn Hunnicutt about a real Texas word problem, the second from Al Slivinski, that evoked a chuckle. ___________________________________________________________________ A teacher was helping her student with a math problem. She recited the following story : "There are three birds sitting on a wire. A gunman shoots one of the birds. How many birds are left on the wire?" The boy pauses. "None," he replied thoughtfully. "No, no, no. Let's try again," the teacher says patiently. She holds up three fingers. "There are three birds sitting on a wire. A gunman shoots one," she puts down one finger, "how many birds are left on the wire?" "None," the boy says with authority. The teacher sighs. "Tell me how you came up with that." "It's simple, "says the boy, "after the gunman shot one bird, he scared the other two away." "Well," she says, "it's not technically correct, but I like the way you think." "Okay," chimes the boy, "now let me ask you a question. There are three women sitting on a bench eating Popsicle's. One woman is licking the Popsicle, one woman is biting the Popsicle, and one is sucking the Popsicle. Which one is married?" he asked innocently. The teacher looked at the boy's angelic face and writhed in agony, turning three shades of red. "C'mon," the boy said impatiently, "one is licking the Popsicle, one is biting, and one is sucking. Which one is married?" "Well," she gulped and in a barely audible whisper replied," the one who's sucking. "No," he says with surprise, "the one with the wedding ring on. But I like the way you think." _____________________________________________________________________ According to FORBES (11/3/97), Reagan liked to tell this joke about Churchill: Churchill stops by a men's room where he encounters Labourite Clement Attlee, the man who replaced him after WW II. When Attlee took the next urninal, Churchill moved a few paces away. "My, my, Winston," Attlee said. "Are we being modest?" Churchill replied: "Not at all Clement. It's just that whenever you Labourite chaps see something that is large, privately owned and working well, you want to nationalize it." -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://www.eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Tue Nov 18 08:37:01 1997 Date: Tue, 18 Nov 1997 08:37:01 -0600 (CST) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Good Thinking I always like to encourage PC humor--there is so little of it. A man was waiting in the doctor's office. The doctor came in and said, "Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that you have an inoperable brain tumor." "The good news is our hospital has just been certified to do brain transplants. There has been an accident right out front and a young couple was killed. You can have which ever brain you like. The man's brain is $100,000.00 and the woman's brain is $30,000.00." The patient could not help but ask; "Why such a large difference in the costs between the male and the female brain?" The doctor replied, "the female brain is used." ____________________________________________________________________ An anthropologist goes "in the field" to study a tribe of cannibalists. In the local butcher shop they sell human meat. There are brains for sale. Trying to repress her horror, the anthropologist notices a sign that says: "anthropologists' brains, 20$ a pound, sociologists' brains 40$ a pound, economists' brains 60$ a pound". So she wonders why even in this far away country the wage scale of the different social scientists seems to apply, and asks the butcher: "why do economists' brains cost so much?" To which the butcher replies: "It is the law of supply and demand. Brains in economists are rare.". [Only an anthropologist would call cannibals "cannibalists." This is evidence that an anthropologist actually invented the joke.] _____________________________________________________________________ Thanks to Dereka Rushbrook -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://www.eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Mon Nov 24 10:40:22 1997 Date: Mon, 24 Nov 1997 10:40:22 -0600 (CST) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Brave New Kids REJECTED DR. SEUSS BOOKS: 1. The Cat in the Blender 2. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert 3. The Fox in Detox 4. Who Shat in the Hat? 5. Horton Hires a Ho' 6. The Flesh-Eating Lorax 7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day 8. Your Colon Can Moo---Can You? 9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil 10. Green Ovum and Spam 11. Are You My Proctologist? 12. My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket 13. Aunts in My Pants 14. Oh, the Places You'll Scratch and Sniff! 15. The Grinch's Ten Inches 16. Bartholomew and the Yeast Infection ____________________________________________ Thanks to Dan Hamermesh -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://www.eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Sun Dec 7 21:03:10 1997 Date: Sun, 7 Dec 1997 21:03:10 -0600 (CST) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Where Did I Put That? A doctor had come out of an examination room and begun to write a prescription. A nurse walked by and said, "Excuse me, Doctor, but you are trying to write with your thermometer." The doctor looked at the thermometer and said, "Dammit! Some asshole has my pen." ----------------------------- Thanks to Al Slivinski -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://www.eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Sun Dec 7 22:29:21 1997 Date: Sun, 7 Dec 1997 22:29:21 -0600 (CST) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Bar None The tourist goes into a bar, and there's a dog sitting in a chair, playing poker. He says, "Is that dog really playing poker?" And the bartender says, "Yeah, but he's not too good. Whenever he has a good hand, he starts wagging his tail." This duck waddles into a bar, and the bartender says, "What can I get for you?" The duck says, "Got any grapes?" The bartender says, "No, we serve beer and whiskey and stuff like that." The duck says, "O.K." and he leaves. The next day, the same duck comes in, hops up on the stool and says, "Got any grapes?" The bartender say, "No--I've told you two days in a row that we don't have any grapes. You come in here again, and I'm going to nail your beak to the bar!" So the duck leaves. The very next day, the same duck comes back into the bar and says, "Got any nails?" And the bartender says, "No, why?" And the duck says, "Got any grapes?" ---------------------------- Thanks to Chantale LaCasse -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://www.eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From mcafee@eco.utexas.edu Mon Dec 8 09:37:19 1997 Date: Mon, 8 Dec 1997 09:37:18 -0600 (CST) From: R Preston McAfee To: joke-archive@eco.utexas.edu Subject: PC Beatles YESTERDAY Yesterday, All those backups seemed a waste of pay. Now my database has gone away. Oh I believe in yesterday. Suddenly, There's not half the files there used to be, And there's a milestone hanging over me The system crashed so suddenly. I pushed something wrong What it was I could not say. Now all my data's gone and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay. Yesterday, The need for back-ups seemed so far away. I knew my data was all here to stay, Now I believe in yesterday. =============================== Write in C ("Let it Be") ------------------------ When I find my code in tons of trouble, Friends and colleagues come to me, Speaking words of wisdom: "Write in C." As the deadline fast approaches, And bugs are all that I can see, Somewhere, someone whispers: "Write in C." Write in C, Write in C, Write in C, oh, Write in C. LOGO's dead and buried, Write in C. I used to write a lot of FORTRAN, For science it worked flawlessly. Try using it for graphics! Write in C. If you've just spent nearly 30 hours, Debugging some assembly, Soon you will be glad to Write in C. Write in C, Write in C, Write in C, yeah, Write in C. BASIC's not the answer. Write in C. Write in C, Write in C Write in C, oh, Write in C. Pascal won't quite cut it. Write in C. ========================================= Songs to program by... Eleanor Rigby ------------- Eleanor Rigby Sits at the keyboard And waits for a line on the screen Lives in a dream Waits for a signal Finding some code That will make the machine do some more. What is it for? All the lonely users, where do they all come from? All the lonely users, why does it take so long? Guru MacKenzie Typing the lines of a program that no one will run; Isn't it fun? Look at him working, Munching some chips as he waits for the code to compile; It takes a while... All the lonely users, where do they all come from? All the lonely users, why does it take so long? Eleanor Rigby Crashes the system and loses 6 hours of work; Feels like a jerk. Guru MacKenzie Wiping the crumbs off the keys as he types in the code; Nothing will load. All the lonely users, where do they all come from? All the lonely users, why does it take so long? -------------------------------- Thanks to Lones Smith From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Mon Dec 8 14:32:39 1997 Date: Mon, 8 Dec 1997 14:32:39 -0600 (CST) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Bar Eight A guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says, "I bet $50 that no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus can't play". The people in the bar look around and someone fetches out an old guitar. The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes up the strings and starts playing "Stairway to Heaven". The octopus' owner pockets the fifty bucks. Next guy comes up with a trumpet. The octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks its lips and starts playing a fantastic jazz solo. The guy hands over another fifty bucks to the octopus' owner. The bar owner has been watching all this and disappears out back, coming back a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm. He puts them on the bar and says to the guy and his octopus, "Now, if your octopus can play that I'll give you a hundred dollars". The octopus takes a look at the bagpipes, lifts them up, turns them over, has another look from another angle. Puzzled, the octopus's owner comes up and says, "What are you messing around for? Hurry up and play the darn thing!". The octopus says "Play it? Heck, I'm gonna marry it!" ----------------------------------------------------- Thanks to Curt Taylor -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://www.eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Wed Jan 7 10:27:25 1998 Date: Wed, 7 Jan 1998 10:27:25 -0600 (CST) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Don't Ask A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife "Dear, there is something that I must ask you". It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer can not take that all that away. But ... I must know, did he have a different father?" The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did." The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks "Who ... Who was he? Who was the father"? Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says "You." --------------------- Thanks to Bart Lipman -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://www.eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Tue Jan 13 08:30:16 1998 Date: Tue, 13 Jan 1998 08:30:16 -0600 (CST) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Herding Cats, Opening a Can of Hornets How to write like a Texan speaks: She could talk the legs off a chair. He's all hat and no cattle. So dry the catfish are carrying canteens. He's so busy, you'd think he was twins. It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs. Cold as a cast iron commode. She's two sandwiches short of a picnic. Ugly? Why she's so ugly that she needs to sneak up on a glass of water or else the glass breaks. Confused as a goat on astro-turf. Handy as hip pockets on a hog. So ugly that his mama takes him everywhere she goes so she doesn't have to kiss him goodbye. Looks like he sorts bobcats for a living. So buck-toothed that he could eat corn-on-the-cob through a picket fence. If brains were leather, he couldn't saddle a fly. -------------------------- Thanks to Chantale LaCasse -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://www.eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Wed Jan 21 14:08:30 1998 Date: Wed, 21 Jan 1998 14:08:30 -0600 (CST) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Aphorisms Black holes are where God divided by zero. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder... 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence? Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo! If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor. For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. OK, so what's the speed of dark? Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines! All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose. ----------------------------- Thanks to Curt Taylor -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://www.eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Fri Jan 23 17:03:04 1998 Date: Fri, 23 Jan 1998 17:03:04 -0600 (CST) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Decaffeinate the ones you love Decaf Poopacino by Dave Barry I have exciting news for anybody who would like to pay a lot of money for coffee that has passed all the way through an animal's digestive tract. And you just know there are plenty of people who would. Specialty coffees are very popular these days, attracting millions of consumers, every single one of whom is standing in line ahead of me whenever I go to the coffee place at the airport to grab a quick cup on my way to catch a plane. These consumers are always ordering mutant beverages with names like `mocha-almond-honey-vinaigrette lattespressacino,'' beverages that must be made one at a time via a lengthy and complex process involving approximately one coffee bean, three quarts of dairy products and what appears to be a small nuclear reactor. Meanwhile, back in the line, there is growing impatience among those of us who just want a plain old cup of coffee so that our brains will start working and we can remember what our full names are and why we are catching an airplane. We want to strike the lattespressacino people with our carry-on baggage and scream ``GET OUT OF OUR WAY, YOU TREND GEEKS, AND LET US HAVE OUR COFFEE!'' But of course we couldn't do anything that active until we've had our coffee. It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity. I bet this kind of thing does not happen to heroin addicts. I bet that when serious heroin addicts go to purchase their heroin, they do not tolerate waiting in line while some dilettante in front of them orders a hazelnut smack-a-cino with cinnamon sprinkles. The reason some of us need coffee is that it contains caffeine, which makes us alert. Of course it is very important to remember that caffeine is a drug, and, like any drug, it is a lot of fun. No! Wait! What I meant to say is: Like any drug, caffeine can have serious side effects if we ingest too much. This fact was first noticed in ancient Egypt when a group of workers, who were supposed to be making a birdbath, began drinking Egyptian coffee, which is very strong, and wound up constructing the pyramids. I myself developed the coffee habit in my early 20s, when, as a ``cub'' reporter for the Daily Local News in West Chester, Pa., I had to stay awake while writing phenomenally boring stories about municipal government. I got my coffee from a vending machine that also sold hot chocolate and chicken-noodle soup; all three liquids squirted out of a single tube, and they tasted pretty much the same. But I came to need that coffee, and even today I can do nothing useful before I've had several cups. (I can't do anything useful afterward, either; that's why I'm a columnist.) But here's my point: This specialty-coffee craze has gone too far. I say this in light of a letter I got recently from alert reader Bo Bishop. He sent me an invitation he received from a local company to a ``private tasting of the highly prized Luwak coffee,'' which ``at $300 a pound ... is one of the most expensive drinks in the world.'' The invitation states that this coffee is named for the luwak, a ``member of the weasel family'' that lives on the Island of Java and eats coffee berries; as the berries pass through the luwak, a ``natural fermentation'' takes place, and the berry seeds -- the coffee beans -- come out of the luwak intact. The beans are then gathered, washed, roasted and sold to coffee connoisseurs. The invitation states: ``We wish to pass along this once in a lifetime opportunity to taste such a rarity.'' Or, as Bo Bishop put it: ``They're selling processed weasel doodoo for $300 a pound.'' I first thought this was a clever hoax designed to ridicule the coffee craze. Tragically, it is not. There really is a Luwak coffee. I know because I bought some from a specialty-coffee company in Atlanta. I paid $37.50 for two ounces of beans. I was expecting the beans to look exotic, considering where they'd been, but they looked like regular coffee beans. In fact, for a moment I was afraid that they were just regular beans, and that I was being ripped off. Then I thought: What kind of world is this when you worry that people might be ripping you off by selling you coffee that was NOT pooped out by a weasel? So anyway, I ground the beans up and brewed the coffee and drank some. You know how sometimes, when you're really skeptical about something, but then you finally try it, you discover that it's really good, way better than you would have thought possible? This is not the case with Luwak coffee. Luwak coffee, in my opinion, tastes like somebody washed a dead cat in it. But I predict it's going to be popular anyway, because it's expensive. One of these days, the people in front of me at the airport coffee place are going to be ordering decaf poopacino. I'm thinking of switching to heroin. ----------------------- Thanks to Judith Searcy -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://www.eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Sun Feb 1 14:59:53 1998 Date: Sun, 1 Feb 1998 14:59:53 -0600 (CST) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Tail to the Chief The internet is overloaded with Zippergate material; here is a compendium from a variety of sources. What's the latest game played at the White House? Swallow the leader. Why does Bill Clinton wear underwear? To keep his ankles warm. How did 500 women sampled at random respond when asked if they would have sex with Bill Clinton? 86% responded "Not again." What's the difference between Watergate and Zippergate? At least this time, there's no doubt about the identity of Deep Throat. What advice did Yasar Arafat give Clinton in their meeting last week? "Bill....Goats don't talk!!" What do Bill and Ross Perot have in common? They both heard a giant sucking sound What was the draft title of Hillary's book? "It Takes a Village to Satisfy my Husband" Who were Monica's closest friends during her internship? Kneel and Bobb Has the President changed his official title? Yes, from Commander-in-Chief to Seaman First Class What was Clinton's excuse this time? "I didn't impale" What is the difference between Bill Clinton and the Titanic? Only 1500 people went down on the Titanic. How do you know a Clinton intern has been in the Oval office? By the buckle impression on her forehead If you can believe that Bill Clinton didn't inhale, then Lewinski didn't swallow. _________________________________________________________ The Top 16 Nicknames for the Presidential Scandal: 16 Lolitagate 15 Quick! Time For Another War With Iraq! 14 The Crook, The Intern, The Wife, and that 'Hey Vern' guy 13 The D Cup Domes Scandal 12 Starr Wars 11 Ex-intern killed in freak missile accident-gate 10 The Lay of Pigs 9 Stain of the Union Undress 8 Monicaca 7 "Paid for by Gore/Rodham 2000"-gate 6 Pubic Missile Crisis 5 Linguapalooza 4 Honey, I shrunk my approval rating 3 Gaining-On-Wilt-gate 2 Tail to the Chief and the Number 1 Nickname for the Presidential Scandal... 1 Bad Will Hunting What did Clinton say to Monica Lewinsky? "I said lie in this position, not lie in the deposition! " Why doesn't Bill Clinton use a bookmark? He prefers bending over his pages. What's the difference between the Titanic and Bill Clinton? Only 1500 went down on the Titanic. What did Bill Clinton say after the Paula Jones deposition? "Oh, sure, *now* she opens her mouth. " Q: Why was it difficult for Clinton to fire Monica Lewinsky? A: He couldn't giver her a pink slip without asking her to try it on first. Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common? A: They were both upset when Bill finished first. Q: What is Bill's definition of safe sex? A: When Hillary is out of town. Q: How does Bill keep Monica Lewinsky away from the White House? A: He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride. So it's about Bill Clinton's new revelations about his sex life. Seems today he finally admitted that he had sex with Gennifer Flowers a couple of times....but he didn't come. Q: When did Clinton realize Paula Jones wasn't a Democrat? A: When she didn't swallow everything he presented. "One thing's for sure about Clinton... He sure doesn't neglect domestic affairs!" Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a gigolo? A: A gigolo can only screw one person at a time. Q: What's the definition of an Arkansas Virgin? A: A girl that can run faster than the Governor. Q: What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes *he* did? A: A dead girlfriend. What was the first line on Monica Lewinsky's resume? I sat on President Clinton's staff from 1995-1997 What is America's new symbol? The spread eagle What did Al Gore whisper to Newt at the State of the Union? "I'm one blow job away from the Presidency" What did the President say when he was asked about Rwanda? "I didn't touch her!" Where did the President get Monica Lewinsky's dress? Seamen's _______________________________________ Application for a White House Internship Greetings prospective White House interns! This year, our program is heading into its 69th year of bringing America's best and brightest to the Nation's Capitol to help the "Head Man" do his job. We expect that 1998 will be the most exciting one yet! Why, you might be asking yourself, do I want to be a part of this demanding, yet rewarding program? Check this out: * Be a part of the action in the pulsing, throbbing political scene of the hottest city in the world! * Get up close and personal with some of America's movers and shakers! * See rooms in the White House that even a VIP tour won't show you! * Get total access to plenty of sensitive Presidential activities! Sound like it's for you? Just listen to this testimonial from a former intern: "I couldn't believe it! After only a few months on the job answering phones and fetching coffee, there I was, debriefing the president. Getting involved in executive branch affairs is just fantastic." - M. Lewinsky, Beverly Hills, Calif. As you can see, being a White House intern is more than long hours, hot debates and touchy national issues. Still interested? Fill out this information form and send it back to the White House at president@whitehouse.gov Name: Hometown: Sex: __ F Age: Measurements: (required for medical purposes) How many beers it takes to get you... ..Giggly: ..Drunk: ..Hot: ..To lie to a federal prosecutor: Quick quiz: You've always considered the White House: a) a monument to democracy b) the place where great leaders meet c) vaguely erotic d) extremely erotic Hillary Clinton is a(n): a) model wife and mother b) icon of late 20th century femininity c) obstacle d) inappropriate companion for the leader of the free world You've always wanted to know more about the President's: a) Israeli policies b) childhood in Hope, Ark. c) romper room d) "monument to democracy" My social life as an intern would likely consist of: a) hitting Georgetown bars with the other interns b) reading, study c) late nights working at the White House d) late nights working the White House Score 1 point for each a, 2 for each b, 3 for each c, 4 for each d. Scores of 16 can start tomorrow. Scores of 12 and above, please call soon. Uncle Sam wants you. *Please feel free to forward this form to anyone you know who might be interested in this program. The White House is an equal opportunity employer. _______________________________________ A poll of 500 women was conducted where they were asked them if they would have sex with President Clinton. 85% of them said never again. _______________________________________ Almost all the late night shows outdid themselves with wickedly funny Bill Clinton jokes this week. At the top of the list, Jay Leno suggested a title for Hilary Clinton's next book: "It Takes a Village, to Keep an Eye on My Husband." And Leno observed: "Only President Clinton could divert attention from a sex scandal, with another sex scandal." Leno added, "The New York Post is reporting that Monica Lewinsky said she did not consider her affair with Bill Clinton adultery because it only involved oral sex. If Clinton can get that law passed, every man in America is going to vote for him." Leno compared Clinton to President Nixon: Nixon Ex-President Clinton Sex-President Nixon Built dog house at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. Clinton In dog house at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. Nixon Suffered difficulties with Ho Chi Min Clinton Suffered difficulties with Ho's Nixon Told subordinates in lie in dispositions Clinton Told subordinates to lie in this position On Comedy Central's "Daily Show," Craig Kilborn mockingly described Clinton's defense: "The President reportedly fired back that a year-and-a -half affair with Lewinsky would have been impossible... He would have become bored and cheated on her after six months. Tops." "President Clinton is now being accused of having sex with a 22-year-old White House intern," Conan O'Brien noted in his Thursday monologue, "In response, the President said, `That's ridiculous. If I couldn't score with Paula Jones, how could I get a 22-year-old intern?'" ____________________________________________ Top 10 Benefits of a White House Internship: 10. First-hand knowledge of domestic affairs 9. Pay is lousy, but the hush money is great 8. Gives new meaning to MTV slogan "Rock the Vote" 7. Observe the President's commitment to young people first hand 6. Learn intricacies of statutory rape law 5. Have president chase around desk brandishing his "subpoena" 4. President tells you he really wants you on his staff 3. Try out JFK's legendary rocking chair 2. Have president introduce you to his "special investigator" and the number one benefit of a White House internship... 1. Find out what a politician means when he says he's been polling his constituents! _____________________________________________ What did Bill Clinton say to Monica Lewinsky? Want to come to the Oval Office and see the Executive Branch? What did Ted Kennedy say to Bill Clinton? What are you worried about? At least she's not dead. Did you hear that the State of the Union speech has been cancelled? From now on Clinton will give a State of the Unit speech. Do you know what the newest game in the White House is? Swallow the leader. -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://www.eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Fri Feb 6 15:29:06 1998 Date: Fri, 6 Feb 1998 15:29:06 -0600 (CST) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Jokes from various sources The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The Rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers. "What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff. "It's my direct line to the Lord!" The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy Father insists that the Rabbi tries it out, and, indeed, he is connected to the Lord. The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him. After hanging up the Rabbi says. "Thank you very much. This is great! But listen, I want to pay for my phone charges." The Pope, of course refuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and finally, the pontiff gives in. He checks the counter on the phone and says: "Allright! The charges were 100,000 Lira." The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over a packet of bills. A few months later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit. In the Chief Rabbi's chambers he sees a phone identical to his and learns it also is a direct line to the Lord. The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that requires divine consultation and asks if he can use the Rabbi's phone. The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away. After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone charges. The Rabbi looks on the phone counter and says: "1 Shekel 50!" The Pope looks surprised: "Why so cheap!?!" The Rabbi smiles: "Local call." ________________________________________ A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest put down his book and opened a conversation by saying, "I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork... but have you really never even tasted it?" The rabbi closed his newspaper and responded, "I must tell you the truth. Yes I have, on the odd occasion." The rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "I know that in your religion, you're supposed to be celibate... but..." The priest interjected, "Yes, I know what you are going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice." The two resumed their reading. There was silence for a while. Then the rabbi peeked around his newspaper and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?!" _______________________________ A baby was born who was so advanced, he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor. "Are you my doctor?" he asked. "Yes, I am," said the doctor. The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during birth." He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?" "Yes, I am," she said. "Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he said. He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?" "Yes, I am," his father answered. The baby motioned him close, then poked him on the forehead with his index finger five times saying, "I want you to know that THAT HURTS!" ____________________________ A guy came into a bar one day and said to the bartender, "Give me six double vodkas." The bartender says, "Wow! You must have had one hell of a day." "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay." The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!" On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" "Yeah, my wife..." ____________________________ Two Kentuckians drove to a gas station in Indiana for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest. "If you win, you're entitled to free sex," said the attendant. "How do we enter?" asked the Kentuckian. "Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10. If you guess right, you win free sex." "O.K. I guess 7," said the Kentuckian. "Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant. The next week, the two Kentuckians returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the one Kentuckian asked the attendant if the contest was still going on. "Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1-10. If you guess right, you win free sex." "Two," said the Kentuckian. "Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again." As they walked back to the car, the one Kentuckian said to the other, "You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged." "No way," said the other. "My wife won twice last week. -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://www.eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Sat Feb 21 09:15:48 1998 Date: Sat, 21 Feb 1998 09:15:48 -0600 (CST) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Olympics In Arkansas The Top 16 Ways the Olympics Would Differ if Held in Arkansas: 16> Doves released during opening ceremonies are promptly shot by the crowd and sold as concession snacks. 15> Little Rock's most famous strip club, "Peek-a-Boo Street", forced to change its name. 14> In an amazing coincidence, every proposed Olympic venue turns out to be owned by Hillary Clinton. 13> The Big Event? The 100m Sisterchase. 12> No snow + No ice = Skiing through 10 inches of grits and skating on fresh bacon fat. 11> Instead of shooting at boring targets, biathletes take aim at muskrats and ATF agents. 10> Olympic officials attempt to pass off LeAnn Rimes' frantic yodeling as a medley of all the different national anthems, "includin' all them new Russian ones!" 9> Metal detectors replaced with ringworm detectors. 8> Teary-eyed awe of seeing Olympic Flame burn is replaced by teary-eyed *hyucks* of seeing Vern light his own gas. 7> Urine drug test magically transformed into "Distance Pissing Competition." 6> Olympic Village replaced with Olympic Trailer Park. 5> Awards of gold, silver and bronze medals replaced by award of gold, silver and bronze teeth. 4> Curling now merely one part of the "Big Hair" competition. 3> Opening Ceremony reduced to Roger Clinton with a Skynyrd tape and a trunk full of bottle rockets. 2> Hometown favorites falter in ice skating competitions due to all them extra toes. and the Number 1 Way the Olympics Would Differ if Held in Arkansas... 1> Two words: Billy Bobsledding From: Moin Yahya -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://www.eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Sat Feb 28 10:04:41 1998 Date: Sat, 28 Feb 1998 10:04:41 -0600 (CST) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Just say "Mmmm." The Men's Guide to what a woman really means when she says something. "You want" = You want "We need" = I want "It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now. "Do what you want" = You'll pay for this later. "We need to talk" = I need to complain "Sure... go ahead" = I don't want you to. "I'm not upset" = Of course I'm upset, you moron! "You're...so manly" = You need a shave and you sweat a lot. "You're certainly attentive tonight" = Is sex all you ever think about? "I'm not emotional and I'm not overreacting!" = I'm pms'ing. "Be romantic, turn out the lights." = I have flabby thighs. "This kitchen is so inconvenient" = I want a new house. "I want new curtains" = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper... "I need wedding shoes" = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white. "Hang the picture there" = NO, I mean hang it a centimeter to the side! "I heard a noise" = I noticed you were almost asleep. "Do you love me?" = I'm going to ask for something expensive. "How much do you love me?" = I did something today you're really not going to like. "I'll be ready in a minute" = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV. "Is my butt fat?" = Tell me I'm beautiful. "You have to learn to communicate" = Just agree with me. "Are you listening to me!?" = Too late, you're dead. "Yes" = No "No" = No "Maybe" = No "I'm sorry." = You'll be sorry. "Do you like this recipe?" = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it. "Was that the baby?" = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep. "I'm not yelling!" = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important. "All we're going to buy is a soap dish" = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new pocket books, and OMIGOD those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook? The answer to "What's wrong?" (see what men are asking below): "The same old thing" = Nothing "Nothing" = Everything "Everything" = My PMS is acting up. "Nothing, really" = It's just that you're such an asshole. "I don't want to talk about it" = Go away, I'm still building up steam. The Woman's Guide to What a Man is Really Saying... "I'm hungry." = I'm hungry. "I'm sleepy." = I'm sleepy. "I'm tired." = I'm tired. "Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. "Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. "Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. "May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. [Eventually = As soon as possible] "Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage! "You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you. "What's wrong?" = 1. I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this. 2. What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now? 3. I guess sex tonight is out of the question. "I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex? "I love you." = Let's have sex now. "I love you, too." = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now! "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before. Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't lookthat much different! "Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me. "Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys. (while shopping) "I like that one better." = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home! "I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together." = I'm gay. ------------------------------------- Thanks to Kristin Famulari, who translates for me -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://www.eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Mon Mar 9 15:12:09 1998 Date: Mon, 9 Mar 1998 15:12:09 -0600 (CST) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: Cowboys and Superman This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York. It looks like a nice place and he takes a seat at the bar next to another guy. "This is a nice place, I've never been here", the first guy says. "Oh really?", the other replies, "it's also a very special bar". "Why is that?", the first guy asks. "Well, you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original Van Gogh, and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic." "Gee, that's amazing!", the first guy says. "Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you're pushed back up." "No way, that's impossible", the first guy replies. "Not at all, take a look", the other man replies and walks over to the window, followed closely by the first man. He opens the window, climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window. "See, it's fun. You should try it", he says. "Try it, I don't even believe I saw it!", the first man shouts. "It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again". And with that, he falls out the window again. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window. "Give it a try, it's a blast", he says. "Well, what the heck, I'll give it a try", the first man says and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10...20...30...40...50...60...70... 80...90..100 feet and splat! He ends up as roadkill on the sidewalk. After watching the first man fall to his death, the other guy casually closes the window and heads back to the bar and orders another drink. The bartender arrives with the drink and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk". ----------Thanks to Bart Lipman---------------- A COWBOY'S GUIDE TO LIFE Don't squat with your spurs on. Don't never interfeer with something that ain't botherin' you none. Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm. The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'. Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco. If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably ain't. It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep. Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around. Don't worry about bitin' off more'n you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think. Always drink upstream from the herd. Generally, you ain't learnin' nothin' when your mouth is a-jawin'. Tellin' a man to git' lost and makin' him do it are two entirely different propositions. Trust everybody in the game, but always cut the cards. If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there. When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be suprised if they learn their lesson. When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back. Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket. Never miss a good chance to shut up. -------------------Thanks to Chantale LaCasse--------------- A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me!", she told him earnestly. "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away an laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him: "How does that feel?" To which he replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell." ---------------------Thanks to Nino Famulari--------------------- -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://www.eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Wed Mar 11 16:24:39 1998 Date: Wed, 11 Mar 1998 16:24:39 -0600 (CST) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1000 miles/gallon." Recently, General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the following statement: "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?" In addition, if Microsoft made cars: 1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car. 2. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on. 3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail, and you would have to re-install the engine. This takes fifteen or twenty minutes. 4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But then, you would still have to buy more seats. 5. MacIntosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on 5% of the roads. 6. The MacIntosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower. 7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car fault" warning light. 8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt. 9. The airbag system would say, "are you sure?" before going off. 10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened. --------Thanks to Julia McAfee------------------------- -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://www.eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Tue Jun 9 16:45:34 1998 Date: Tue, 9 Jun 1998 16:45:34 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: "R. Preston McAfee" Subject: Good Sport "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." -Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." - Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996 "You guys line up alphabetically by height." - Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle." - Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school." Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes." Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to." Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro." Lou Duva, Veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is." 1992- Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play." 1982 - Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or a father." 1981 - Tommy Lasorda , Dodger manager, when asked what terms s A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thanks to Glenn MacDonald -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://www.eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Mon Jun 15 17:55:56 1998 Date: Mon, 15 Jun 1998 17:55:56 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: "R. Preston McAfee" Subject: Union dues and blues A union boss at a convention in Las Vegas decides to visit a local brothel. He asks the madam, "Is this a union house?" "No, I'm sorry, it isn't," she says. "Well, if I pay $100, what do the girls get?" he asks. "The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20." Mightily offended by such unfair dealings, the man stomps off in search of a more equitable shop. Finally, he reaches a brothel where the madam says, "Why yes, this is a union house." "And if I pay $100, waht do the girls get?" he asks. "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20." "That's more like it!" the man says. He looks around the room and points to a gorgeous redhead. "I'd like her for the night." "I'm sure you would, sir, but. . . " says the madam, gesturing at a 70-year-old woman in the corner, "Ethel here has seniority." ---------------------------------- Thanks to Kristin McAfee -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://www.eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Tue Jun 16 13:51:10 1998 Date: Tue, 16 Jun 1998 13:51:10 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: R Preston McAfee Subject: The Forgotten Man From the Texas Higher Education Coordinating Board: Your last name is your password. If you have any questions or have forgotten your password, please contact the Coordinating Board. -------------------------------- Thanks to Dale Stahl -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://www.eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Mon Jun 22 21:42:58 1998 Date: Mon, 22 Jun 1998 21:42:58 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: "R. Preston McAfee" Subject: Bird brain A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. While doing this the clerk spots two penguins sitting on the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?" The man in the car says, "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them but I haven't a clue." The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo." "Yeah, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away. The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car. "Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo!" "Oh, I did," says the driver, "and we had a swell time. Today I'm taking them to the beach." ------------ A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he's lonesome so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help. The store he happened into specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet. Surprised, he mutters, "I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?" The parrot says, "With my prick, you dummy." The guy is startled and says, "You certainly talk well for a parrot." The parrot says, "Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish." The guy says, "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for." The parrot says, "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me, I'll bet he'll sell me." The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Clinton said this, the A's won, the Giant's lost, the Pope did so and so. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says, "Come in and shut the door." The guy says, "What's up?" The parrot says, "I don't know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips." The guy says, "Oh, a momentary flight of passion." The parrot says, "Then he fondled her breasts." The guy says, "He did??" The parrot says, "Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts." The guy says, "My God, what happened next???" The parrot says, "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch." -------------------------------- Thanks to Al Slivinski -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://www.eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Tue Jul 28 15:22:21 1998 Date: Tue, 28 Jul 1998 15:22:21 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: "R. Preston McAfee" Subject: Picture Perfect I was again reminded of the theory that all languages are English (others are spoken poorly; see gopher://mundo.eco.utexas.edu:70/0R908640-910969-/mailing/joke.archive) by: Things We Would Never Know Without American Movies: 1. A single match is bright enough to light up a room the size of Yankee Stadium. 2. All bombs are fitted with large, red, electronic readouts that tell exactly when they are set to go off. 3. Medieval peasants all had perfect teeth. 4. All telephone numbers in the U.S. begin with 555. 5. Women staying overnight in isolated homes will investigate strange noises alone and in their underwear. 6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, you need not know the language but rather speak with a German accent. 7. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever look for you there. 8. If you are outnumbered in a martial arts fight, your enemies may dance around and grunt, but they will wait politely to attack you one at a time. 9. You can see the Eiffel Tower from any window in Paris. 10. When alone, foreigners will speak English to each other. ------------------------------------- Thanks to Glenn MacDonald -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://www.eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Thu Jul 30 19:08:56 1998 Date: Thu, 30 Jul 1998 19:08:56 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: "R. Preston McAfee" Subject: Clear-headed Thinking > A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train > stops. On my desk I have a work station... > If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? Studies show> Studies showS five out of four people have trouble with fractions. > How come you never hear about gruntled employees? > If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what,exactly, is a > fog horn made out of? > If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, > "Quit while you're ahead"? > Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? > What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? Clear? > What WAS the best thing before sliced bread? > If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery? > Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell > him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it. > How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked > when someone threw a gun at him? > Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid > contains real lemons? > Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? > Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"? > Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? > ------------------------------------------------ Thanks to Kristin McAfee> > > > > > > -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://www.eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Fri Aug 21 09:34:37 1998 Date: Fri, 21 Aug 1998 09:34:37 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: "R. Preston McAfee" Subject: Word Games Microsoft Word often seems intentionally designed to frustrate. There are so many automated actions that minor changes in one part of a document have dramatic, unintended and annoying effects in other parts of a document. The idiotic Mr. Paperclip pops up with the kind of impeccable timing that makes me want to fix the program with a hatchet. Perhaps this programmatic malevolence explains the discovery of the following tidbit, which worked fine in Word 97 with the English thesaurus. 1. type " I'd like to see Bill Gates dead" 2. highlight text 3. go to the tools menu; pull down language; go to thesaurus 4. check out the dialog box - "Looked up" and "Replace with Synonym" Thanks to Steve Williamson for this discovery. -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://www.eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Mon Aug 31 14:30:48 1998 Date: Mon, 31 Aug 1998 14:30:48 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: "R. Preston McAfee" Subject: Rental Giants ACTUAL LETTERS TO LANDLORDS 1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared. 2. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off. 3. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door. 4. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand on this? 5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall. 6. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 7. Our toilet seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces. 8. The person next door has a large erection in his backyard which is unsightly and dangerous. 9. Will you please send someone to repair our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant. 10. Our kitchen floor is very damp; we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it. 11. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink. 12. Could you please send someone to fix the faucet in our bathtub. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us this way. 13. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much. 14. When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy. ------------------------------------------------------- Thanks to Glenn MacDonald -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://www.eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Mon Aug 31 14:40:38 1998 Date: Mon, 31 Aug 1998 14:40:38 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: "R. Preston McAfee" Subject: Bubba II A few of these we've seen before (see, for example, gopher://mundo.eco.utexas.edu:70/0R231459-233949-/mailing/joke.archive and gopher://mundo.eco.utexas.edu:70/0R238935-240195-/mailing/joke.archive for earlier lists) but nothing so comprehensive, and funny, as this list, provided by Glenn "Bubba" MacDonald. "YOU" MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF... You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't. You think the stock market has a fence around it. Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater. You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu. Your boat has not left the drive-way in 15 years. You own a homemade fur coat. Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns. You burn your yard rather than mow it. You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen. The Salvation Army declines your mattress. You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen. Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to spare a loved one. Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall because of her language. Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest. You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born. You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial. Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos". You think a chain saw is a musical instrument. You've ever given rat traps as gifts. You clean your fingernails with a stick. Your coffee table used to be a cable spool. You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list. Every socket in your house breaks a fire code. You've totaled every car you've ever owned. There are more than five McDonald's bags in the floorboard of your car. The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice. There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door. You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys. The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem. You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap. You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie. You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape. You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell." The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house. Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes. You've ever financed a tattoo. You've ever stolen toilet paper. You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture. People hear your car a long time before they see it. The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot. You prefer car keys to Q-tips. You take a fishing pole into Sea World. You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup. You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature. You think the French Riviera is foreign car. You go to a stock car race and don't need a program. You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it. MOTEL 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming. You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off. You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass. Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick. You own a denim leisure suit. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold. Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices. Your family tree does not fork. You have a rag for a gas cap. The dog can't watch you eat without gagging. You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window. You've ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions. You've ever had to scratch your sisters name out of a message that begins, "For a good time call...." You ever hit on somebody in a VD clinic. Your brother-in-law is also your uncle. You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while you're at work. Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner. All of your four letter words are two syllables. You've ever been too drunk to fish. You cut your toenails in front of company. You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet women. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive. Hitchhikers won't get in the car with you. You've ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading. You call your boss "dude". You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy. You have grease under your toenails. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader. You've ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding. You've ever cleaned fish in your living room. You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug. -- To unsubscribe from this list send a message containing the words unsubscribe joke to majordomo@eco.utexas.edu. Previous messages are available from http://www.eco.utexas.edu or gopher://eco.utexas.edu. From owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu Wed Sep 2 09:44:57 1998 Date: Wed, 2 Sep 1998 09:44:57 -0500 (CDT) To: joke@eco.utexas.edu From: owner-joke@eco.utexas.edu (R Preston McAfee) Reply-To: "R. Preston McAfee" Subject: Don't tell your mother-in-law Thoughtful Anagrams: Dormitory Dirty Room Evangelist Evil's Agent Desperation A Rope Ends It The Morse Code Here Come Dots Slot Machines Cash Lost in 'em Animosity Is No Amity Mother-in-law Woman Hitler Snooze Alarms Alas! No More Z's Alec Guinness Genuine Class Semolina Is No Me